Anne2345
02-28-2013, 01:34 PM
Over the past year and a half or so, I have come out to a number of people as to who and what I really am.
In so doing, I have learned much about myself and those people that matter most to me.
Quite honestly, coming out to my friends has been among the most necessary and rewarding experiences of my life.
But make no mistake, the first few times that I came out were also among the most difficult experiences of my life. It is no easy thing, after all, to come out to another human being when you have spent your entire life hiding in the closet and quivering in fear, solitude, isolation, and self-imposed exile.
Still, for me, I was going to lose my mind if I did not let the real me out. I was going to go insane and explode. I was simply going to die inside.
So in my mind, when it came right down to it and I had nowhere else to hide, I was left with few options. Live or die. Exist or do not.
In complete, total, abject desperation, I did the only thing I could do at the time to save myself. I put myself out there and let others into my world.
Looking back on it now, though, I laugh at how utterly ridiculous my life was prior, and how foolish, absurd, and senseless I have acted throughout the years.
For four decades of my life, I hid myself away from friends, family, community, society, and the world. I let no one in.
Even worse, I barely even let myself in. I did all I could do to deny myself, in fact, and to suppress the essence that composes me.
And within my being, I erected massive defenses, barriers, and thick walls designed to keep my insides in and my outsides out.
I also created an impenetrable facade. The deceptive veil that cloaked my secretive life was indeed impressive. I presented to the world the male I believed others expected me to be. But I didn't present as just any male, mind you, because in my scared, fearful, terrified mind, that would have been far too easy to see through.
So instead, I presented as Mr. Ultra-Manly Man, and did all I could do to cultivate the image.
I played hard, aggressive, rough, physical contact sports. I hung out with all the dudes drinking beer, cutting up, making crude jokes, and ribbing others for being a pussy if they failed to appropriately man-up. I adopted a confident, entitled, male-privileged, masculine persona in my professional career upon which I have based entire business relationships upon.
Within public and around others, I used to make a point of shying away from and rejecting all things feminine.
I was a classic case of over-compensation.
I know longer do these things. I no longer over-compensate. I no longer play that game, unless circumstances absolutely require it. However, I can now readily envision a possible reality sometime in my future where circumstances will not require that I betray and desecrate who I really am, where I could not imagine such a thing before. But that is further on down the road, and the topic of another post.
Regardless, I am a more authentic and real person for having gotten over myself in this manner. At this point, I would not go back even if I could, which I cannot. I even, surprise of all surprises, like myself now, my remaining failings and hang-ups notwithstanding.
Fortunately, however, with those I have come out to thus far, I have been received well, and with understanding, compassion, and love.
It's funny, though, because no matter how varied the substance of my friends’ responses to my heart-felt, emotionally raw, soul-bearing confessions and admissions may have been, they all shared at least one common attribute.
All of my friends, each and every one of them, were bowled over and completely shocked when I told them. They didn't see it coming. Not at all. When I uttered those three life-changing and reality altering words – “I am transsexual” - the jaw of each friend quite literally dropped to the floor. And just hung there. For like ever, as if frozen in carbonite.
The thing is, before coming out, I could have given each and every one of them one million guesses as to what I was about to say. And not one of them would have guessed that I was going to come out as a transsexual. Not one.
Even when I shared pictures of me dressed as me, I could see the stark disbelief and surprise oozing from their respective gazes and facial expressions. I had fooled ‘em, and I fooled ‘em all. I done good hidin' it. I done darn good.
In this, within the TS community, I know I am not alone. Apparently, based upon my observations, transsexuals seem to be quite adept at hiding who they are. Transsexuals appear to be masters of disguise. Our ability to create and maintain illusion is indeed formidable. The acting skills of the transsexual are worthy of Oscar nominations. We are unerringly proficient and talented at what we do.
Which is a damn ****ing shame, because cowering behind closed doors in fear of life, our souls slowly rotting away, just waiting to die all alone and in misery, is no real way to live. It’s neither right, nor fair. It's profoundly tragic. It should never have to be this way.
One million guesses. One million ****ing guesses without a correct answer.
What a joke. What a sad, pathetic, ****ing joke, and a depressing, lamentable waste of life.
Thank god I am finally doing something about it now, after all this time.
It's not too late, you know. It's not too late for any of us . . . .
In so doing, I have learned much about myself and those people that matter most to me.
Quite honestly, coming out to my friends has been among the most necessary and rewarding experiences of my life.
But make no mistake, the first few times that I came out were also among the most difficult experiences of my life. It is no easy thing, after all, to come out to another human being when you have spent your entire life hiding in the closet and quivering in fear, solitude, isolation, and self-imposed exile.
Still, for me, I was going to lose my mind if I did not let the real me out. I was going to go insane and explode. I was simply going to die inside.
So in my mind, when it came right down to it and I had nowhere else to hide, I was left with few options. Live or die. Exist or do not.
In complete, total, abject desperation, I did the only thing I could do at the time to save myself. I put myself out there and let others into my world.
Looking back on it now, though, I laugh at how utterly ridiculous my life was prior, and how foolish, absurd, and senseless I have acted throughout the years.
For four decades of my life, I hid myself away from friends, family, community, society, and the world. I let no one in.
Even worse, I barely even let myself in. I did all I could do to deny myself, in fact, and to suppress the essence that composes me.
And within my being, I erected massive defenses, barriers, and thick walls designed to keep my insides in and my outsides out.
I also created an impenetrable facade. The deceptive veil that cloaked my secretive life was indeed impressive. I presented to the world the male I believed others expected me to be. But I didn't present as just any male, mind you, because in my scared, fearful, terrified mind, that would have been far too easy to see through.
So instead, I presented as Mr. Ultra-Manly Man, and did all I could do to cultivate the image.
I played hard, aggressive, rough, physical contact sports. I hung out with all the dudes drinking beer, cutting up, making crude jokes, and ribbing others for being a pussy if they failed to appropriately man-up. I adopted a confident, entitled, male-privileged, masculine persona in my professional career upon which I have based entire business relationships upon.
Within public and around others, I used to make a point of shying away from and rejecting all things feminine.
I was a classic case of over-compensation.
I know longer do these things. I no longer over-compensate. I no longer play that game, unless circumstances absolutely require it. However, I can now readily envision a possible reality sometime in my future where circumstances will not require that I betray and desecrate who I really am, where I could not imagine such a thing before. But that is further on down the road, and the topic of another post.
Regardless, I am a more authentic and real person for having gotten over myself in this manner. At this point, I would not go back even if I could, which I cannot. I even, surprise of all surprises, like myself now, my remaining failings and hang-ups notwithstanding.
Fortunately, however, with those I have come out to thus far, I have been received well, and with understanding, compassion, and love.
It's funny, though, because no matter how varied the substance of my friends’ responses to my heart-felt, emotionally raw, soul-bearing confessions and admissions may have been, they all shared at least one common attribute.
All of my friends, each and every one of them, were bowled over and completely shocked when I told them. They didn't see it coming. Not at all. When I uttered those three life-changing and reality altering words – “I am transsexual” - the jaw of each friend quite literally dropped to the floor. And just hung there. For like ever, as if frozen in carbonite.
The thing is, before coming out, I could have given each and every one of them one million guesses as to what I was about to say. And not one of them would have guessed that I was going to come out as a transsexual. Not one.
Even when I shared pictures of me dressed as me, I could see the stark disbelief and surprise oozing from their respective gazes and facial expressions. I had fooled ‘em, and I fooled ‘em all. I done good hidin' it. I done darn good.
In this, within the TS community, I know I am not alone. Apparently, based upon my observations, transsexuals seem to be quite adept at hiding who they are. Transsexuals appear to be masters of disguise. Our ability to create and maintain illusion is indeed formidable. The acting skills of the transsexual are worthy of Oscar nominations. We are unerringly proficient and talented at what we do.
Which is a damn ****ing shame, because cowering behind closed doors in fear of life, our souls slowly rotting away, just waiting to die all alone and in misery, is no real way to live. It’s neither right, nor fair. It's profoundly tragic. It should never have to be this way.
One million guesses. One million ****ing guesses without a correct answer.
What a joke. What a sad, pathetic, ****ing joke, and a depressing, lamentable waste of life.
Thank god I am finally doing something about it now, after all this time.
It's not too late, you know. It's not too late for any of us . . . .