AKAMichelle
03-01-2013, 12:18 AM
I have watched for the last couple of days several videos about children who are TG with supportive parents and it got me to thinking a lot about my upbringing. My parents were not very supportive so I continued on with my male life. Yes I got along fine and survived, but as I got older those feelings from early years were back. I question the all impossible to answer "What if" and don't know where to get perspective on it.
For a little background on me for those who don't remember me here on the forum. I first realized that I was different at age 3 playing with my neighbor's dolls and at age 5 playing dressup in a dress in kindergarten. At age 8 I prayed every night to wake up as a girl for as long as I could remember. It eventually subsided but I wonder if it was more to do with my parents nonacceptance than the feelings going away. I can't remember if I just found a way to exist and go forward with my life realizing that I had to live life as a boy. I dressed every chance I got when I was young and got caught multiple times but it never really quit. I got married and had 3 boys but still continued to wear womens clothes when I could. It was more like this is the way that I should be than anything sexual after I grew out of puberty. I felt extreme peace when I would go out because I felt like the world was finally getting to see the real me.
I came on here about 6 years ago and was so inspired by some of the members courage that I too found a backbone. I found that backbone luckily at my lowest time in my life. I had just learned that partners stole everything we had. I spent 2 years suicidal because I was worth more dead than alive. I survived that period by wanting one of my last acts to be going out in public dressed as I see myself inside. That night was the scariest but I did it. I call it my drive by moment as I walked from one end of the Walmart store to the other and out the door. That night I conquered my fear which was pushing me over the cliff and I returned to the living. That night changed my life forever. Soon afterwards I formed a meetup group here in Denver that grew to well over 200 members in just 12 months because I wanted to teach people that your life doesn't end after you tell your loved ones. You can tell your family and survive. The meetup group was a wonderful tool to getting a lot of us together in one place. I remember one meeting we had over 75 people show up which was fantastic to see everyone. The meetup group and this forum especially helps you to understand that your aren't the only person who has or will deal with being TG. Many of us never have a support network outside of this forum and that is very sad.
I went to ballets, movies, dinner, flew multiples times all over the US, spent weekends as Michelle in various cities. I went and did just about anything that I wanted. I was basically living my life as Michelle at that point, but I reached a point where balance was achieved. Many of you may ask what I mean by balance and that is the moment where you feel the same way regardless of what you have on. At the point of balance I quit dressing completely because there were issues with continuing that I didn't want to deal with or want any part of. While I am not dressing, the feelings have never left. I am still TG and always will be. I have just found a way to deal with it for now that I have peace with. Now what happens tomorrow is something that I have no clue.
What affect do you think your parents acceptance if they ever found out had your choices during that time? I look at the young kids who are dealing with these issues early and many times wish that was me. Then I never would have had so many years of being on the fence and dealing with all of the internal conflicts that I did.
For a little background on me for those who don't remember me here on the forum. I first realized that I was different at age 3 playing with my neighbor's dolls and at age 5 playing dressup in a dress in kindergarten. At age 8 I prayed every night to wake up as a girl for as long as I could remember. It eventually subsided but I wonder if it was more to do with my parents nonacceptance than the feelings going away. I can't remember if I just found a way to exist and go forward with my life realizing that I had to live life as a boy. I dressed every chance I got when I was young and got caught multiple times but it never really quit. I got married and had 3 boys but still continued to wear womens clothes when I could. It was more like this is the way that I should be than anything sexual after I grew out of puberty. I felt extreme peace when I would go out because I felt like the world was finally getting to see the real me.
I came on here about 6 years ago and was so inspired by some of the members courage that I too found a backbone. I found that backbone luckily at my lowest time in my life. I had just learned that partners stole everything we had. I spent 2 years suicidal because I was worth more dead than alive. I survived that period by wanting one of my last acts to be going out in public dressed as I see myself inside. That night was the scariest but I did it. I call it my drive by moment as I walked from one end of the Walmart store to the other and out the door. That night I conquered my fear which was pushing me over the cliff and I returned to the living. That night changed my life forever. Soon afterwards I formed a meetup group here in Denver that grew to well over 200 members in just 12 months because I wanted to teach people that your life doesn't end after you tell your loved ones. You can tell your family and survive. The meetup group was a wonderful tool to getting a lot of us together in one place. I remember one meeting we had over 75 people show up which was fantastic to see everyone. The meetup group and this forum especially helps you to understand that your aren't the only person who has or will deal with being TG. Many of us never have a support network outside of this forum and that is very sad.
I went to ballets, movies, dinner, flew multiples times all over the US, spent weekends as Michelle in various cities. I went and did just about anything that I wanted. I was basically living my life as Michelle at that point, but I reached a point where balance was achieved. Many of you may ask what I mean by balance and that is the moment where you feel the same way regardless of what you have on. At the point of balance I quit dressing completely because there were issues with continuing that I didn't want to deal with or want any part of. While I am not dressing, the feelings have never left. I am still TG and always will be. I have just found a way to deal with it for now that I have peace with. Now what happens tomorrow is something that I have no clue.
What affect do you think your parents acceptance if they ever found out had your choices during that time? I look at the young kids who are dealing with these issues early and many times wish that was me. Then I never would have had so many years of being on the fence and dealing with all of the internal conflicts that I did.