How to tell my daughter....

[Emjay]

Hi,

So I guess I'm looking on some advice here as to how to tell my daughter about Autumn.

She's 16 and lives with my S.O. and I full time. We've been very close since she was very little and I feel like the time may be approaching that I need to let her in on this part of me. She's very open minded and accepting of all people (we have always raised her to accept all people for who they are).

That being said, I know she's open and all but I DON'T know how she will feel about "Dad" being something other than just "Dad". I'm fairly sure she would be ok with it. There have been comments made (about the shaved legs, waxing, how certain things feminize my face, etc).... For all I know she already knows, or at least suspects, anyway after just typing that last sentence...

Any advice anyone can lend would be greatly appreciated, or would this just be a burden she doesn't need in her life?

[docrobbysherry]

I've been hoping for a post on how to tell my 18 y/o old daughter, Autumn. Until I read something that is honest and covers all the bases, I don't think she needs to know. But, I'm a closet dresser. R u?

If u r planning on going out as Autumn, u may need to have that "conversation" with her. But, if u dress only in private, why do u feel the need to tell her now?

[Barbara Maria]

Autumn,I feel your dilemma. I have two daughters,now grown. I'm no expert but one thing I've learned about teenage girls is that they appreciate honesty and being talked to like an adult. From what you say,my guess is she's probably already figured it out. If that's true,she may resent your keeping it from her. If I were you,I think I would tell her.She sounds like an intelligent young lady. You may be surprised at how well she deals with it. Wish you the best. Keep us posted.XOXO Barbara

[PaulaQ]

There have been comments made (about the shaved legs, waxing, how certain things feminize my face, etc).... For all I know she already knows, or at least suspects, anyway after just typing that last sentence...

She probably does suspect, so it is likely better to tell her. However, why do you feel you need to tell her? Not saying whether you should or not, esp since you've left lots of clues. Just asking what does she gain from knowing this?

[ReineD]

Any advice anyone can lend would be greatly appreciated, or would this just be a burden she doesn't need in her life?

I think she's old enough to know, especially if there are tell-tale signs and comments from others. It's best for her to learn it from you. I think you should just come out and say it, prefaced with telling her that you want to tell her something that is difficult for you to tell. Don't forget to tell her that you will always be her dad.

Also, please be aware that sometimes people are very open-minded as long as it's not in their back yards. So I think you would do well to ask your daughter, after your talk, how she feels about all of this and tell her that you will respect her wishes to not see you dressed if she feels this way at first. Telling older kids isn't much different than telling spouses, siblings or parents ... they just might need some time to get used to the idea.

Good luck! :)

[Beverley Sims]

If there is no need to know I would not bother telling her.
What is private between you and your wife can remain that way.

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi,

So I guess I'm looking on some advice here as to how to tell my daughter about Autumn.

She's 16 and lives with my S.O. and I full time. We've been very close since she was very little and I feel like the time may be approaching that I need to let her in on this part of me. She's very open minded and accepting of all people (we have always raised her to accept all people for who they are).

That being said, I know she's open and all but I DON'T know how she will feel about "Dad" being something other than just "Dad". I'm fairly sure she would be ok with it. There have been comments made (about the shaved legs, waxing, how certain things feminize my face, etc).... For all I know she already knows, or at least suspects, anyway after just typing that last sentence...

Any advice anyone can lend would be greatly appreciated, or would this just be a burden she doesn't need in her life?

Hi Autumn,

You just just described my own situation almost to the letter, minus having the SO. My daughter is also 16. I have been contemplating this as well. Here are my thoughts. At this time, I'm not looking at my own situation, but rather hers. She is in tenth grade, very focused on school and doing very well. Could she handle my crossdressing? Probably. She is very resilient.

However, I'm deciding not to be direct with her on the issue until she is out of high school. I simply don't want to add to her plate any more than she already has. She has plenty to think about without me adding anything more to concern herself with. We have a great relationship. Because of that, I'm content to let her be indirectly aware. If she were to ask me, then I would be honest with her. I'll let her decide that and allow her to have me be what she needs me to be.

I've chosen to put her ahead of me, as every parent should when it comes to their child. When she is in a place, with high school conquered, a couple more years of cognitive development, life experience and maturity gained, then I'll be open with her. This isn't about hiding anything from her, but helping to keep her life as simple and stable as I possibly can. I can't control all the things she sees and hears in her day to day life that worry or stress her out, and am not aware of probably a lot of them anymore than my parents were when I was a teen.

Our situation is different than yours. My ex and I divorced a couple years back. My daughter seems great on the outside, but on the inside in her own private little world, who knows? We try to be very open, but she is a young lady trying to make sense of a lot of things in life at sixteen. It makes sense to me for now, just to be daddy.

Hope this helps. Good luck on whatever route you end up going.

Cheers,

A dad who calls himself Kalista

[PaulaQ]

Also, please be aware that sometimes people are very open-minded as long as it's not in their back yards.

This bears repeating about 1000 times - it is an excellent, true, and not obvious point!

It is not uncommon for people to feel one way about "society at large", and feel EXACTLY the opposite about their personal life. You can call this hypocrisy, and I suppose it is - but even very good people have flaws - we all do - and this is a more common flaw than many might suppose.

BTW, I think younger people today are vastly more accepting of all sorts of things that were never accepted when I was that age. There's a decent chance she'll be completely unphased.

[Rachelakld]

Mine were 10, 12 & 14 when I told them, I had been wearing shinny leggings for months before hand saying how much I love the look & feel of leggings. They mentioned that their girlfriends had the same etc.
Often if I painted their toe nails or finger nails, I would also do mine say how nice theirs looked.

I did remind them that if they told anyone outside the family, it will probably cause major trouble at school.
I also had to remind them that I was not gay and that mum has known before we got married.

Check my web site to see a photo of me with Miss 14 doing Ipady stuff

[Rogina B]

If you want to" feel her out without coming out",I suggest sitting down at the computer at a good time and watching""Eighteen minutes and eighteen seconds/fifty shades of gay" on Ted.com/talk with your daughter.It will hold her interest and will open up an avenue for you to possibly tell her that Dad is a little different and [I assume] born that way.

[Joanne f]

I am not always sure that a direct all out tell is the right way to go about it with teenagers as they deal with things differently at that age , I think it is better to slowly introduce your way of dressing slowly to them and if they have a question or make a comment which knowing teenagers they will then just answer them honestly and then you can go at their pace which will be best for you in the long run , don't forget that they have many other things going on in their head at this time of life but they notice a lot more things than you realise so they will have a good idea already .
You have to sort out the difference between what they like or dislike from what they think their friends will like or dislike which is very important to a teenager so their answer is not always how they think about it personal .

[Sally24]

To answer the question about why to share this.....

There is a good chance that your children will accidently find out on their own. Unless you keep all your "stuff" under lock and key and never venture out of your room they might figure it out. That's not the best way to learn something important.

Many here are transgendered and this is not something we do so much as who we are. My children are very close to me and I share my thoughts with.them about everything. They would have been very disappointed, I think, if they found this out eventually and I had never shared this part of me with them.

My kids were in their late 20's when I had the opportunity to tell them. I think they would have handled it well much earlier but it wasn't an issue back then.

[StaceyJane]

My daughter was the one to tell me that she knew. And that it was okay.
I had know idea I had been found out but the support I got from my daughter was amazing.

[Robynts]

Autumn,

My daughter found out about Robyn about 6 years ago. At the time she did not want to see Robyn but she was OK with going shopping for Robyn (and her too) overall she was accepting which is what I would have expected if you had asked me. Since that time she went off to college and did a 180 degree change! She came back after college and does not like the fact that Robyn even exists and she transfers all her negativity about Robyn to me when I am in male mode which really sux (it hurts to be disrespected by our daughter with your wife's tacit approval. I think she got most of the attitude from one of her brother's girlfriends who is very much a redneck and virtual trailer trash who said she would never let her children around me because of Robyn! On top of all that my daughter's negativity is changing her mother too, and her mother was very tolerant in the past.

My daughter used to be the light of my life. Now all I can do is count the days until she gets the hell out of the house. (Gawd I can't wait until the first of April when she starts a job, far far away from home!)

Bottom line, you take your chances if you come out to her. I wish you the best!

[Emjay]

Thank you all so much for all of the thoughtful replies, I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. I also have a lot to think about and go over before deciding what to do either way.

I'm fairly certain that she wouldn't react negatively but you never know. I'm 99.9% certain she wouldn't have a NIMBY (not in my back yard) reaction. She's just not that way. I don't want to burden her with more emotional stuff than she already has, her mother and I divorced a few years ago and we have pretty much had each other's back since the split. My current S.O. lives with us and they get along really really well, which is a godsend. But I do have to ask the question of myself: Is this more for me or for her? Honestly I don't know. I would love to share this part of me with her but is now the right time? I would never force anything on her and would always respect her wishes regarding seeing or not seeing Autumn.

I am venturing out of the closet more and more each day and I'm finding that Autumn is a very large part of who I am so there will probably (most likely) come a time when it's inevitable. I don't want her to just find out by accident. I don't keep my things under lock and key per se nor do I leave them lying around to be found either so I guess it's potluck if she were to happen to look in the closet for something and find Autumn's things...

Robyn, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. That really breaks my heart. I hope the two of you can find some peace with each other, I couldn't imagine going through that.

Sorry for kind of rambling, I'm just trying to keep everyone's input in mind. Again, thank you all.

[ReineD]

But I do have to ask the question of myself: Is this more for me or for her? Honestly I don't know.

In your first post I had the impression there are many tell-tale signs when you are in guy mode, and people that you know are making comments. If this is the case, then likely there is also some gossip and you do not want your daughter to hear about this from anyone else.

If no one in your extended family knows or suspects, then I agree that you might want to think about why you wish to tell your daughter. Is it for convenience, meaning do you want to be able to dress at home in front of her? If so, then really it would be up to her. She might be OK with the idea that you dress, but it might well take her awhile before she is willing to become involved. One of our members has two daughters and I think I remember reading that she waited until they were both off to college and well established in lives of their own.