How did you come to accept this about yourself?

[PaulaQ]

Was it hard to for you accept your crossdressing / like this about yourself?
If it was, how'd you come to accept it?

___________________________
Although I feel wonderful while dressing, and find the entire experience euphoric while I'm doing it, I have to be honest here and say that I am NOT liking this part of myself.

I accept that there is a part of me that wants to be a girl, or at least dress like one, there is no denying that. At some level, I've known this since I was young. I've suppressed and denied this all my life. I think this is one of a couple of things that has made me feel "different" from others over the course of my life.

Thing is - I don't want to be different.

But I am, always have been, and I'm finding that I'm still not liking that too much. (I've NEVER liked feeling different, although I always have.)

I guess I also have some fear and suspicion about the euphoric "pink fog" feelings I experience while doing this. They remind me of something - namely how I felt when I abused alcohol and drugs. I've been sober a really long time - but part of me fears I've simply found a new way to escape reality. The powerful emotions, and seemingly compulsive behavior I experience while dressing frankly scares the hell out of me.

I don't do anything risky or outrageous - but the degree to which I NEED to do this scares me, because the last thing I NEEDED this badly nearly killed me.

So how about it? Am I simply expressing a long suppressed female side of my personality, or am I a some type of junkie? (I haven't had feelings this strong in over 20 years since I sobered up, and it really frightens me.)

And if I'm really not some type of addict, then how do I resolve the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants this, and the part of me that totally hates it and fears it will wreck my life?

I realize nobody can tell me what I should do - but I'd like to hear how others have resolved this conflict in their own minds / hearts.

I have realized that before I can really talk to anyone in my life about this - I need to really accept this about myself, and not sound like I'm telling them "yep, sorry, I have cancer. It's untreatable. I'm doomed." Because that's how I feel - and I don't think that will make for an especially good presentation of my situation.

[suchacutie]

At age 55 my wife and I discovered Tina together. It seemed completely natural from the beginning! It's harder to accept when life just doesn't make any time for Tina!

[Elirra]

Good question. The short answer is that I have not accepted that I am a crossdresser, yet. In fact, I hate that I have to waste my time and money on such a trivial, seemingly useless fetish.

But here I am, giving the question in your post serious contemplation. I hope that I can accept things by the time it's all said and done with.

If nothing else, you can't call us anything but unique.

Cheers,

Elirra

[Wildaboutheels]

Would you dress/as much IF you were blind?

I think our VISION and how it affects us MEN is one of the best things about being a man so I have never had any trouble "accepting" myself.

As far as being "different", I have never had any problem with it.

The thing is, WHAT makes you think you are so different? What % of CDing men, do you think would even come to a Forum to discuss it? There really is no "reasonable" way to tell just how many men CD.

Is there?

It's also an easy guess that 95% don't dress all the way and/OR for more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time?

Reagrdless, there is no right or wrong way/s to dress or wrong reason/s regardless of Forum MYTHS to the contrary.

[PaulaQ]

Good question. The short answer is that I have not accepted that I am a crossdresser, yet.

Well, I hate to break this to you, but I can see a certain amount of evidence that you may be one of us... :)


If nothing else, you can't call us anything but unique.

No doubt.

I have no desire to be a unique snowflake. I've spent my entire life being "different". (I also suffer from a rare condition that affects perhaps 1 in 100,000 - it makes me - somewhat distinctive.) I've always hated this. And now this. Great. Just. Freaking. Great.

At least I can hide this, I hope.

[monalisa]

It was easy as it was a gradual transformation starting with panties and then adding different articles of clothing until eventually I had enough clothes and wigs to do a total change.

[Eryn]

I wouldn't so much say I've accepted this part of myself so much as I have discovered what i have always been and what those odd feelings and desires were about.

There wasn't something wrong with me of which I should be ashamed, but rather something that I should express and share with other accepting people.

In the meantime I've met wonderful people who I otherwise wouldn't have met and done things (not just dressing) that I otherwise wouldn't have done. In the balance, I think that I've come out far ahead.

[RenneB]

Over the years it was just something I had to learn more about. Starting at the tender age of 4, I just knew I was more happy dressing as a girl... as time went on I knew I had to hide it as it wasn't socially acceptable... Until the age of the internet back in '95, I thought for sure I was one of the only people in the world born like this. Now I know differently.

I accept who I am as a unique human with a 'gift'. Depending on where I go, this gift is either a way to fit in or stand out. I do my best to try to blend in with the crowd....

Not sure what type of answer you were looking for, but as an old sailor once said "I's am what's I's am".

Renne.....

[PaulaQ]

The thing is, WHAT makes you think you are so different? What % of CDing men, do you think would even come to a Forum to discuss it? There really is no "reasonable" way to tell just how many men CD.

About this - nothing - I'm in the same boat as many others on this forum. I don't know how common we are - I know we aren't well accepted in society, although this has improved.

I'm handicapped as well, and have been all my life, and I'm from a time before being handicapped was as well accepted as it is today. I'm tired of feeling different, and feeling as if I have no choice in the matter.

I'm sorry if I'm being whiny - I'm trying to figure out how to like this about myself. Because I hate the thought of having another existential crisis. Why can't I just be normal?

[Chickhe]

It was very hard to accept because I was brought up in a social environment that treated anything different as taboo. I mean, even in high school, it was considered odd to join the chess club or walk with a skip in your step...not that I was in to any of those things, but it seemed like every club was a clique also. Anyhow, we were even tought no to speak until spoken to and stuff like that. Even sex was something considered taboo. So...try dealing with all that and add in CDing. For most of my life I thought something was wrong with ME. How did I accept it? I figured out that I have nothing wrong with me...its everyone else (and its not that they are doing anything wrong, its that they don't have the required experience to understand). The great thing is, society has changed a great deal, all the taboos are way more in the open than they once were. You can do different things now and not be considered an outcast. So, just accept that you have some different interests, explore and learn about them and forget what anyone else thinks.

[PaulaQ]

I wouldn't so much say I've accepted this part of myself so much as I have discovered what i have always been and what those odd feelings and desires were about.


Thanks.


Depending on where I go, this gift is either a way to fit in or stand out. I do my best to try to blend in with the crowd....

Yeah, I'll never blend in. That is not in the cards. I don't blend in in guy mode. People stare at me all the time, and have for my entire life. I don't even notice it anymore, although it used to bother my wife enormously. Eventually, people around me get used to it too - or they don't hang around me.

[AllieSF]

First, me. I started late in life to crossdress, like almost 7 years ago, and I am legally old as of early last year. That gave me a lot of advantages when compared to those people who started this much younger. I am at a phase/stage of my life where I can see that bright light at the end of the tunnel, and I don't really want to reach the end. So, being older, mature and after having lived a fairly decent and uneventful life, my classification, it is much easier for me to decide not to question and worry about all this than it is for you younger people to deal with it.

Second, you. If you have had something that made you be different and stand out in a way all your life, and I mean stand out in a way that you do not really like, then I can see where it would be very easy to have your feelings about this and all your questions. In other words, you are not crazy for trying to understand this and not necessarily liking it. As you said, this lifestyle has its bright and euphoric moments, but can also have its darker side and side effects too. All I can say is that it is not bad, it is fun, so instead of fighting it why not try to find a way to fit it into your daily or periodic moments in life where you can enjoy it and then put it aside to get on with other things that may be more important to you. I wish you the best and keep us informed how you progress through this crazy maze of feelings, frustrations and doubts.

[Sister Rachel]

Paula, I'm with you on this, gotta go to bed now ( work in the am), but sending "friend request", we'll talk, girl x

[Stevie]

I really don't know exactly when I came to terms with it. But I do know there was a point that I didn't want anything to do with it. Answering this question leaves me confused on how I got to this point. All I can say is my feelings today are more of acceptance than denial. Why fight it.

[traci_k]

Finally gave up fighting the feelings
I'm 57 now and throughout my life have wished, have wanted, to be a woman. Gave it all up after first marriage broke up 16 yrs ago. Married a good Baptist girl and thought it was all behind. Then you see a GG with a short skirt, great legs and cute heels and think, would I love to try those on. Eventually I succumbed to the pink fog, bought some panties and skirt and wouldn't you know, my wife shortly thereafter found them. (I had told her before we got married that I had been a CD but that was all behind me.) Or so I thought, but like many people who have tried to purge it from their live by tossing everything, the pink fog rolls in again. Maybe I'm TS or CD but the fact is I love feminine things and how they feel, so I gave up fighting the feelings and accepted that this will always be a part of me. Then I finally got up the nerve to join the forum.
Wishing you the best in your struggles!
Hugs!

[PaulaQ]

All I can say is that it is not bad, it is fun, so instead of fighting it why not try to find a way to fit it into your daily or periodic moments in life where you can enjoy it and then put it aside to get on with other things that may be more important to you. I wish you the best and keep us informed how you progress through this crazy maze of feelings, frustrations and doubts.

I'm actually trying. Chatting on this forum, as Paula (I've never given this part of me a name or a voice), has made me realize that this is really a part of me.

I have all the typical problems others here have - a wife who doesn't know, kids, a career. I have a problem or two probably not as many here have. But we all have problems - and they are usually not easy for any of us. I get that.

But I sat down and ticked of my list of problems, and I began to question - if I were my wife, would I stay with a:
- handicapped
- ex-alcoholic
- cross dresser / transgender / who the hell knows what?
And I pretty much realized - yeah, ok, that guy is a write-off. Why would you stay with someone like that?
- maybe he'll lose the ability to walk (probable)
- maybe he'll start drinking again (ok, it's been > 20years, but you can't rule it out, ever.)
- and he wants to be a she, or dress up, or something? (yeah, alright, I give, that's the last straw.)

The overall weirdness of all of the above combined, just strikes me as absurd and ridiculous.

Sorry to be the forum attention strumpet. I really am having a hard time knowing how to feel about this. I feel cursed, I guess.

Doesn't help that the emotions this brings up scare the hell out of me, too. I am pretty conflicted, because part of me LOVES this. Love, love, love, love, loves. it.

I appreciate all of your replies, by the way. I'm glad I found this forum. (Although you may not be so glad I did!) This is the first time in my life I've ever felt comfortable about talking about this stuff. This is the first place where I've never lied about it in one way or another.

[MysticLady]

Let's face it. We're just a special bunch of folks:)

[ArleneRaquel]

Mystic Lady,
Your statement is so true.

Over the years I have become more and more accepting of my way of life, such as appearing as a woman, in many Gay Pride Parades since 1974, and even more so after I went full-time, virtually, in 2004. The latter fulfilled a life time dream. In the last two years, or thereabouts, I have accepting my sexually, which is Bi !

[Raychel]

We are all special folks, no doubt about that.

For me this has been a ong process, Of course I had alot of years that I was in hiding.
But since I have joined this forum and with the support and help of others, I have
grown to accept this is part of who I am. It has made my life alot more easier, knowing
that there are so many other people that have gone and are going thru the same things
that I have.

When I told my wife, it was a very stressful time for us both. But thru it all she has stayed with
me and supported me. Again with the help of others for her.

As I tell more people and they either say whatever or are totally cool and excited about it.
This only make my life easier.

I have told a long time friend, (just happens to be a GG) about my crossdressing.
and she is totally excited, Can't wait to go shopping with me.

I told my sister just today, and her reply was "that is all".

As more people accept me, It just makes it easier for me to accept myself.

[Angela Campbell]

I have known I was like this since my earliest recollections. I never really was ashamed of it, although I knew to keep it a secret. I never denied it. I spent a lot of time not doing it because I was married and did not want anyone to know. Last year I found myself living alone for the first time in my life and that is when I finally embraced it.

I can no more be ashamed of wanting to be a woman, and wanting to look like one, than I can be ashamed that I have blue eyes and I am short. It is what I am. No I do not wear a sign and tell everyone I meet but I do not tell them many personal things. There are many who fight the realization of what they are. Seek out others like us and meet them in a group setting. It may be that after you get to know others like us you will start to realize we are all just regular people after all. It's not the end of the world.

[Laura912]

But, Paula, you are not your wife so is it fair to her to think you know what she will think? Have you actually talked with her exactly about the things you have listed? Maybe you feel cursed but is it possible that cursed is not quite the right word? Maybe different, maybe challenged? None of us really asked for this but as you see by the responses, many have adjusted and come to enjoy the wider perspective this gives us. My career was helped by CD knowledge although I am essentially a closet case. How would your outlook be, if you could turn this around and view it as a possible asset?

[AnitaH]

Like Chickhe I grew up in an era that was anything but accepting of anything different. Adding to that I grew up in a religious environment that also is still intolerant of differences. I spent decades resisting this, suppressing this, trying any thing to rid myself of this "addiction." This active suppression lead to some major issues in my life causing my wife to demand therapy. This therapy along with a very embarrassing situation at a religious retreat forced me to reconsider some of my deeply held convictions. I was sitting around at a weekend music festival, with this new more open mind when I realized that this thing was not my "addiction" that I needed to cure it was me, I am she. I am comfortable with that knowledge now and at peace with it.

AnitaH

[Michelle M]

Paula,

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

I had a needy wife and three children in school, and I settled into a life of work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are provided for, then drink all night to forget my problems. Well, the "problem" didn't go away. I, Michelle, was the problem.

It's almost like two personalities, only you're a single personality with more than one face. I have now accepted my other half, and am exploring the world that this has to offer.

So, what's wrong with being different? I tried to conform for years, and it didn't work. So, I'm different. I don't fit in. I'm the only one on the job site with pretty hair and fingernails, and who walks gracefully. Well, Einstein didn't fit in. Alexander Bell, Napoleon Bonaparte (would probably be on this site), Bill Gates. Didn't fit in. I will be happy to join that club.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I've only started accepting this in the last 2-3 years, and most of the ability to accept it has come from the help this forum has given me. Thank you all.

The point where it really started to seem something that I could embrace, was when i told my soon to be girlfriend about it, and she...just accepted it, totally. "Oh Cool!" was her actual response.

I'm in my 50s, and I've been doing this completely in the closet for 40 some years. Most of that time I was SO careful not to be found out, I didn't understand why i did this ( still don't entirely ) spent some time wondering if I was gay, decided I wasn't, but that just left me more confused, ( why the hell am I doing this? )

Now, I understand that it started as a fetish, and that I've developed a liking for the fit, feel, and look of some items of female clothing. Or what most people consider to be female clothing. At the moment, I don't think I'll be totally happy until I can go out in a skirt, I'll accept a kilt, but i want to be able to do it fairly often, so being able to wear a suitable skirt without major hassles would be better. ( Kilts are expensive! )

PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment. How you deal with the need is dependent on your own situation, and how those around you respond to knowing. A lot of us must stay firmly in the closet, some can come out in a strictly limited circle of friends or loved ones, or in certain specific places. The fact that you hide it, is the problem of society, not in you.

[Amanda_Robinson]

It is interesting that you ask this question I have just recently come to terms with it. It began with curiosity of "what do those clothes feel like" or "What would I look like with make-up on". I liked the feel of women's clothes and enjoyed making my face up but that embarassed me. My wife discovered a receipt for makeup in my pants one day while doing the laundry and I had to explain myself. She thought it was cute and was relieved that it was for me and not some other woman.
Rather than bore you with the details of the next several years I will say there were 2.5 purges (the last one I just deleted every photo I had taken) and a bunch of fear and embarassment about the way I am. Embarassed of course about being different and afraid of what might happen when the embarassment went away. Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it. So I retreated for several months. But now I am OK with it. I do not want to be a girl at all. In fact I enjoy being a man very much but the curiosity of "I wonder how that would look on me" still happens fairly regularly. It has taken quite a while but I am OK with that. Still a little embarassed about it but no more than I am about any of my other so-called imprefections. I think having such an awesome and loving wife has a lot to do with that.
~Amanda

[Rachel Morley]

How did I come to accept this about myself? If you're like me then in the beginning despite the fact I was one of the lucky ones and have an accepting and encouraging wife I still had not accepted my dressing for myself. I used to feel very guilty and tell myself all the time that even though I love expressing myself this way "it's not exactly what guys are supposed to do" or that "I shouldn't be fanning the flames". Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior? If your CDing is not hurting anyone else, where's the harm? The way I look at it is; ultimately, we are all going to die. No one gets out of this thing called life alive. Are we going to spend the small insignificant time we have on this planet being nice to ourselves or are we going to give ourself emotional stress .... and then die?

It took me many, many late night long conversions (with my wife) soul searching and getting to the bottom of what is important to me, in my life. Once you get to that point, there is no guilt anymore. In other words, you have to "find yourself", you have to take a long look inside yourself and evaluate why you think the way you do about your CDing. You are an important person. There is nothing wrong with being happy, and there is nothing wrong if it's you yourself that makes you happy, and believe it or not, there is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that are normally associated with women .... even (or should I say especially?) if it makes you happy!

[PaulaQ]

I'll answer these inline

Over the years I have become more and more accepting of my way of life, such as appearing as a woman, in many Gay Pride Parades since 1974
Arlene - I respect you and appreciate where you are coming from. I've been in exactly one parade, though, and don't want to repeat it. (Not for this!) I hate being noticed.


Seek out others like us and meet them in a group setting. It may be that after you get to know others like us you will start to realize we are all just regular people after all.
I'm in a pretty isolated area, I think, but yes, almostalady, I think finding others to talk with in person would probably help me. I live in a pretty remote, rural area though. I'm not so sure it'll be easy to find a support group. But I'll look, I guess.


But, Paula, you are not your wife so is it fair to her to think you know what she will think? Have you actually talked with her exactly about the things you have listed? Maybe you feel cursed but is it possible that cursed is not quite the right word? Maybe different, maybe challenged?
Thanks Laura, no, I haven't talked to her yet. That will come. I need to be able to explain this - and hopefully sound postive first. I am not expecting a very positive response. I don't know this will end our marriage - it is really strong. It will be a gigantic issue though, of this I'm sure. And on top of everything else that's weird about me, this may be too much for her to handle.

I've been "different and challenged" my whole life. I'm just tired of it, I guess.


I was sitting around at a weekend music festival, with this new more open mind when I realized that this thing was not my "addiction" that I needed to cure it was me, I am she. I am comfortable with that knowledge now and at peace with it.
Thanks AnitaH. As a recovering person, the seemingly compulsive behavior I engage in terrifies me. I'm glad you found a way to no longer feel that way about it.


Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

Thanks Michelle, I'm not going to go down the road of substance abuse. I've been sober for over 20 years. The feelings from this are somewhat similar though, and scare me to death. (Sneaking around, hiding stuff - this feels EXACTLY like what I used to do in the bad old days, and I hate it.)

Yeah, I know - I have pretty common problems. I'm just feeling badly about them. I'll eventually have to tell my wife. I'm having a lot of trouble imagining how I'll really come out and interact with the world. I feel like the two sides of my personality are waging all out war against one another. It isn't much fun.

I also worry that my physical issues make this a stupid and pointless exercise. For example, I could go out and buy and expensive bicycle, and be really enthusiastic about them. Unfortunately, I will never be able to ride one again. Part of me worries that this will be my situation with dressing too -compelled to do something I can't really succeed at, and that society doesn't accept, and that totally upturns my life as it is now. For what purpose?


PaulaQ, I think you need to learn to accept this in yourself, wherever the urge is coming from, it's not wrong, you're not a monster. None of us are. Having said that, this is not something accepted by the mainstream. I feel fortunate that my SO is so accepting, and I'm pretty certain I can carefully do more in public, But many of us live in places that we'd get beaten up or worse, most of us would just get varying levels of ridicule and harassment.

Thanks underdresser. Yeah, I need to learn to accept this in myself. I've at least gotten to the point where I've accepted it ABOUT myself. But trying to accept myself is hard. As far as abuse, ridicule - I am certain that memories of this from my childhood are scaring me about CD. I learned not to care much about what most people think. (Mostly, although this is hard sometimes.) Mostly I'm worried about losing the few people I actually do care about. I am terrified of that.


Once I started veturing outdoors and realized that the whole world does not stop to gauk at the amazon looking dude in a dress I became afraid of becoming too comfortable with it.
Thanks Amanda. BTW, you look nice - if people are gawking, it's because you look good, I'm sure.


Why did I feel this way? Why the guilt? Societal expectations. Peer pressure. The belief that as a guy I have to act a certain way, there is somehow an "expected behavior" from us ... or so I believed. Why we think this way can be different for each of us but I encourage you to think about why you think you have to be "this way" or "that way" or any other way in your behavior?

Thaks Rachel. It's hard, though, to escape society's expectations, even if they are mostly arbitrary, cruel, and stupid. (And mostly they are - oh and how.) Look, I have always been different. Growing up handicapped, I have always been different from others. Growing up, lots of other kids made CERTAIN I was aware of this. BTW, I'm sure my gender issues contributed to this a little - although they really didn't need to go looking for something subtle like that, I was a pretty obvious target.

I'm having a hard time processing being any more "different" than I already was. I guess I know now that I was always this way, or at least have been for a really long time. But the great part about denying this is that you can PRETEND that it just isn't an issue. "Hey everybody, I may walk funny, but otherwise I'm 100% dude!" Yeah, well, ok, that was a total lie. So now that I'm facing up to that - I am having trouble accepting, or even understanding, who and what I am, or what in the hell I'm even doing, or why. This just seems really absurd.

I appreciate everyone's stories, comments, advice, admonishments, etc. I appreciate the forum for letting me vent. It is obvious to me that I need to find peace within myself about this. But I'm not there yet... (You will note that I didn't say "rid myself of this." Based on everything I've read, and my own personal experiences so far - this is vanishingly improbable.)

I'm also sorry my threads are, well, kind of a bummer. I obviously should've named myself "Nancy Negative" or "Debbie Downer"!

Hearing from ladies who've resolved this in their lives really does help.

[Sallee]

A support group would help a lot. It helped me. like minded folks in this forum will help too.
I am still struggling also but the things I mentioned helped
Good luck we all know how tough it is.

[oliviall]

My story might be a little different than most... but I discovered Olivia in much the same way Max Eisenhardt discovered he was Magneto. Ok, that's a little over-dramatic, I was never in a concentration camp.

But she came out at a time when much of what we lose for who we are had already been lost -- and without the fear of loss, since the things to lose were already lost and could not be lost again, she has flourished, perhaps saved me.

And there have been many changes. I am more social, I get out more, I have things to be excited about. My ex-wife doesn't like me much but wants to go out with her, at least socially.

"May you live in interesting times" is meant to be a curse... be that as it may, its where I find myself now.

Olivia

[andrea lace]

Drugs and alcohol are a destructive force when abused.
Cross dressing on the other hand hurts no one. So I dress like a girl I enjoy this. When I dress up the reward center of my brain is stimulated or so I believe. Yes I am different to most but thankfully not on my own. The only time my dressing became destructive or negative on the lives of my family or myself was when I was hiding it. If I have the desire I go with it and it makes me a happier calmer person. The only negative aspect of cross dressing would be on my wallet/purse as it can get exspensive

[PaulaQ]

The only time my dressing became destructive or negative on the lives of my family or myself was when I was hiding it.

Thanks Andrea for the good thoughts!

I am worried about how this will affect my family. If my wife ultimately doesn't accept this - and I think that is pretty likely that she will not - it will be hard on my children. They are grown, but if I hurt my wife, it'll hurt them. The idea that I would disappoint them really frightens me, mostly because I am horrified at the notion of being selfish and self-absorbed, like my father was. I've managed to be the EXACT opposite of my Dad. (I hate my Dad - quite literally.) The idea that I could throw that away with my kids - I dunno. I can't bear that.

I also know you are right about not telling too though. It is a dilemma.

[Beverley Sims]

Simply, I have just gone along with the flow.
Done what I feel and wear what I like.
All this is done with a level of sensibility and decorum.

[SandraInHose]

Accepting myself as a CD? Not until the internet, which in my house, arrived around the year 2000.

I had been dressing since the mid-70's, and was so ashamed of myself every time i did it. I thought I was the only straight guy in the world who dressed up and masturbated, and even though I'd read a few Penthouse stories dealing with CDing I still felt I was alone.

Once the internet opened my eyes to the countless others who also was into similar things (and more), did I ever feel like maybe I'm not so odd after all.

A few years later when my wife discovered my secret, I was at least prepared enough to know of a handful of websites that made her realize I wasn't a 'total freak' (her words, not mine). Although she is DADT with my dressing, she does accept the fact that it isn't going away...ever.

[Laura28]

I think i finally accepted my dressing when i found this forum, i have always flirted with dressing on and off for as long as i can remeber. in the last couple of years the urge became stronger, maybe becuase i am older and the kids are grown, =i use to only really dress in the winter becuase i liked to shave my body for me being hairless makes me feel so much more femine, in the spring i would let it grow back and put away the clothes, but now my wife doesntwant the hair to come back and she doesnt want laura to go away either, this is a result of me reading post on here talking with others and finally tlking to my wife about how i really feel. so i would have to say i have finally accepted my girl side the day i joined this forum and met so many wonderful girlfriends.

[MysticLady]

I'm sorry if I'm being whiny - I'm trying to figure out how to like this about myself. Because I hate the thought of having another existential crisis. Why can't I just be normal?

Hi Paula
Don't be afraid of letting this beautiful and different part of you come out. Let her shine and enjoy all the fine feelings of her essence bewilder you. Sorry, I starting to get dramatic. :)

[PaulaQ]

Hi Paula
Don't be afraid of letting this beautiful and different part of you come out. Let her shine and enjoy all the fine feelings of her essence bewilder you. Sorry, I starting to get dramatic. :)

<3, Thanks MysticLady, That made me smile. Also Thanks Laura, Sandra, and Beverly.

Because this is all so new to me, I guess I get a little overwhelmed at times. I think I started this thread because I took my wife out to dinner Saturday night. We had a great time. I was in a suit, in full guy-mode, really enjoying my wife's company. I noticed the hostess, and realized that I was kind of wishing that I had an outfit like hers - a vintage 50's dress.

And I guess I started to feel kind of guilty about that - because on sunday morning, I started to think "what exactly am I thinking? Why am I going to put this wonderful woman whom I'm married to through what is surely going to be a trial for her?" I was scared too, because I don't understand what's happening to me yet, or where this is all going.

The support from all of the sweet, kind, and beautiful ladies here helps me a lot. I don't deserve you all, but I am sure glad you are here.

I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

[Rachel05]

Mine has been a long and tortured at times road to accepting me and who / what I am - I am a cross dresser and I like being a cross dresser

Easy words and yet for many of my 40 plus years of cross dressing there is no way I would have said that, not about me, oh no I wasn't a cross dresser, I used to wear ladies clothes for all sorts of reasons, sexual gratification, escape, any reason you like, but not a cross dresser, or perish the thought a transvestite, oh no no no no not me !!!!!!!

When in my teens I used to convince myself that I did it for heightened sexual gratification, so that was okay, well sort of okay, it used to make me feel better about me to think that, then as I grew older and into and through my 20's it was because it was habit, something that I had just done for all these years, through my 30's I begin to think maybe just maybe I do this because it feels nice, the sexual side had long since faded and by this stage I hadn't mixed sexual gratification and dressing for many years

Mid 40's after an illness I think I began to understand me more as a person in general and I started to really relax into my dressing, for me it was pure escape form my normal life, but I totally adored the experience now, this was pleasure pure and simple, no sexual feelings at all, just pure pleasure and happiness and relaxed

Now some ten years on from that, I wonder what all the fuss was about, I am different but that doesn't make me a bad person, my dressing harms no one, it makes me feel happy and it detracts nothing from those around me, I am a cross dresser and I am happy to be a cross dresser

Would I give it up now if I had the chance, no is the answer to that, why would I give up a harmless pursuit that I get considerable enjoyment from

Sat here typing this in my gorgeous silk nightie and feeling happy with the world

We all make our own journeys and some are long and harder than others, but we have to find that inner peace with ourselves at some stage, I am sad that mine took so long to find, but happy that I got there in the end - I am a Cross Dresser

[Danielle_cder]

It's been a long, strange, exciting, scary, road that is still unraveling for me. I was about 22-3 when I threw up my hands and said to myself there is absolutely nothing wrong with what I'm doing. I'm not hurting any one, I do this for me and I get great enjoyment out of the whole process. It is a great outlet, far better than going to the bar and wasting money on booze or doing drugs or stealing. I accept my cd life style, and any of those that choose to do it as well.

[sometimes_miss]

This certainly won't apply to everyone; but this wasn't random chance that I wound up like this. Part of it was planned; someone made me into what he wanted me to be, for his own purposes. Much later I learned that it was very probably done to him when he was younger, and he simply acted on the natural belief that if it was good for him, it was good for me as well. Of course it wasn't; but at that age, he wasn't able to know the difference.
When I learned that this wasn't going to end, I had to come to accept that my life was never going to be normal, ever again. There was no other choice. I could drive myself crazy with sadness, grief, and despair. Or I could live on, the best I could. I've found ways to enjoy the little things in life, even though everything I ever dreamed about when I was growing up, is simply no longer possible. I know I'm likely facing being alone for the rest of my life; with my family's record, that means possibly another 50 years. I don't know if I'll be able to manage it, but I'll do my best, and try to help other people. I've chosen a career in health care. I've saved lives. I've helped thousands of others. May that be my legacy, instead of it simply being ***, the crossdresser (which is all I would be known for if it did come out about my crossdressing). It's why I remain in the closet. Nothing good can come of my being 'out', at least in my life. I've suffered enough, I don't need any more difficulties in life. I've published my biography here on the writers forum, so that anyone can learn what can happen when you subject a young child to influences during developmental years. It can be irreversible. Hopefully, at least some people here will watch the children around them, and stop it from happening to at least one child. Lives are being ruined every day; one girl in four, and one boy in six is sexually abused as a child. Please, please watch the children. If there's something that looks fishy, please check it out. You could save someone's life, all it takes is to ask the question if something wrong is going on. The child won't tell you; abused children are the best secret keepers there are. So it's up to the adults to keep it from happening.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

I think this is a recurring theme for many on here, and can be part of what makes us do this, irrespective of the the major part of the urge. "I'm not allowed to be softer as a guy? OK, I'll be a woman!" Is how i think it plays out in a lot of guys heads. Not everyone feels that, but i think a fair percentage get that sort of conditioning in early life, and that is one of the responses.

[flatlander_48]

Not surprisingly, I guess I have a bit different slant on this...

The major hurdle for me was accepting what my view on sexuality was. Starting at 42, there was a lot of soul searching and thinking about what it all meant. As we all know, we get a ton of conditioning about how to be a man, the things that men are supposed to do and what we are supposed to feel (or more specifically, what we are NOT supposed to feel). So, when you start poking around with alternative ways of considering sexuality, you realize very quickly that you're in uncharted waters. All of this took quite a while to sort; lots of churning followed by lots of WTF's. Anyway, I was almost 50 by the time that I got around to sleeping with another man. For whatever reason, it didn't feel like a new experience. Rather, it felt like getting in touch with feelings from another time and place.

I started dressing at about age 55. Given how long the process was to sort out my sexuality, there wasn't much to crossdressing by comparison. I think that coming to understand that I was a bisexual opened the door, so to speak, to the notion of sexual minorities. I was used to thinking of myself in ways different from mainstream society, so it didn't seem like that big of a jump. And, even further, I have always thought of myself as "different" for whatever reason. Difference appeals to me whether it's how I look, the friends I choose, the car I drive or the things that I like to do for me. Crossdressing feeds that. It wasn't part of the original thought process, but it is like a windfall.

I think there are many things that make accepting ourselves difficult. I mentioned the conditioning, and that's a big hurdle. It's like setting down the rules. If you want to be a man (and why would you want to be anything else?), this is what you have to do. The role that we've been given is a very narrow line. Deviate from that line and people start to point fingers. So, contrasted with our role as men is the role of women. The problem is that if we sort of lean towards being "other than", it looks like it begins to encroach on the role of women. Note that they have also been conditioned to the role that they are supposed to play. So, if it looks like we're encroaching on them, what space is left? Because we have changed how we view ourselves, if has a pretty strong tickle-down effect for others.

[PaulaQ]

I think this is a recurring theme for many on here, and can be part of what makes us do this, irrespective of the the major part of the urge. "I'm not allowed to be softer as a guy? OK, I'll be a woman!" Is how i think it plays out in a lot of guys heads. Not everyone feels that, but i think a fair percentage get that sort of conditioning in early life, and that is one of the responses.

I know my Dad likely plays a role in my feelings about this. Dad brooked no sissies. Possibly I just like to blame stuff on him, though. I'd feel bad about that - but he deserved it anyway.

[JaytoJillian]

Acceptance was not a very long road for me once I figured out this is a part of who I am. I was able to accept who I am largely in part due to 1)Discovering (through this site and others)that there are many people like me. 2)The wonderful feeling that I get from being Jillian. 3)The way I am treated when out in public--I assume that with whom everyone I come into contact knows, but people in general treat me very well when I am out en femme. 4) The realization that life is much too short to spend it living how someone else tells me to and that when I am in my last days, I want to look back and say, "no regrets."

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, after dressing for 65yrs. yes I've come to accept this part of my life I really enjoy my Orchid time.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Jillian, and Thanks Orchid! Seeing others who are happy gives me a lot of hope! :)

[Frédérique]

Was it hard to for you accept your crossdressing / like this about yourself? If it was, how'd you come to accept it?

For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud. I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question. This means I never thought crossdressing was a problem of any kind, rather it was (and still is) a highly enjoyable undertaking. In many ways the emotional environment I inherited gave rise to crossdressing – I’m somewhat isolated and shy, so let’s see what we can do with my limited resources of “self.”

It was wonderful to realize that you can do THIS, although any investigation into the whys and wherefores of crossdressing only spoils the mysterious beauty of it. As far as I’m concerned, it’s better to accept crossdressing, or your newly crossdressed self, and simply enjoy the pleasure that comes along for the ride. It’s not, “What am I doing?” it’s more like, “Oh, you’ve never met ME, have you?”
:battingeyelashes:

[PaulaQ]

[COLOR="black"]For some reason I accepted it immediately. I recall looking in the mirror and saying “COOL!!!” aloud.

I'm very happy for you. Yeah, my first reaction on seeing myself fully made up, in a wig, with breasts in the mirror was that I was seeing my actual face for the first time in my life.


I guess if you like yourself to begin with (somebody has to!), anything you do or try to do gets a thumbs-up without question.

I'm sure this is part of my problem.

[kimdl93]

I wish I could say that self-acceptance was quick and easy for me, but it wasn't. It took decades and finally some skilled help from a competent psychologist, before I was able to shed the ingrained self loathing and realize that it was OK, not a crime, and even a positive. I'm hopeful that the present and future generations are less burdened by societally imposed and needless guilt.

[flatlander_48]

I know my Dad likely plays a role in my feelings about this. Dad brooked no sissies. Possibly I just like to blame stuff on him, though. I'd feel bad about that - but he deserved it anyway.

Easy enough to do and I could say the same. However, barring any sort of criminality, folks were doing what was in keeping with their view of how things should be. In this context, it's a binary world: there are Men and there are Women. The roles and responsibilities are clearly defined (traditionally speaking) and that's how life went on.

Unfortunately the binary definition of things doesn't cover nearly enough. There's a lot of fuzzy space between the notions of Men and Women as well as outliers as shown by the data. If you believe in the binary construct, then it means that a whole bunch of folks have to be force fitted into one of the other. If you don't believe in the binary construct, it opens things up for the consideration of other ways to be. Just because this is how we've thought for the last few hundred years doesn't mean that's how it has to be for the next few hundred years.

[PaulaQ]

Easy enough to do and I could say the same. However, barring any sort of criminality, folks were doing what was in keeping with their view of how things should be.

The only thing I'll ever say in my Dad's defense is that he never really had much of a chance at being a decent human being. His father was a chronic alcoholic, and his mother an absolutely out of her mind drug abuser. He was just broken. That didn't, unfortunately, prevent him from being one mean motor-scooter. Unfortunately, my step-dad was arguably worse.

You have to take all that with a grain of salt though - I am an unforgiving person. It is a character flaw. Maybe Paula can be a better person than I've always been. /shrug

[Jenni Yumiko]

Good question Paula!
When I wa a younger I repressed, I dated a girl who "turned me out" I think it was fetish related then as she wanted me 24/7 female. We broke up, I never thought about it much until my ex wife. She supported the lingerie due to her dominant ways, and underdressed ensured in her eyes I wouldn't cheat.
During my current marriage, I confessed about underdressing from the waist down, see my signature for full details, and most recently had a moment of self awareness that correlate my behavior to my fem time. So I would say within the last few months, I realized this was who I was and I wouldn't be able to escape.

[flatlander_48]

The only thing I'll ever say in my Dad's defense is that he never really had much of a chance at being a decent human being. His father was a chronic alcoholic, and his mother an absolutely out of her mind drug abuser. He was just broken. That didn't, unfortunately, prevent him from being one mean motor-scooter. Unfortunately, my step-dad was arguably worse.

Aces and eights. Sometimes the only thing you can do is play the cards that you have been dealt. It's doing the best with what you've got.


You have to take all that with a grain of salt though - I am an unforgiving person. It is a character flaw. Maybe Paula can be a better person than I've always been. /shrug

Forgiveness is like a release. It allows you to get out from under carrying all that STUFF around. It takes a lot of energy to haul around things that are not really necessary to your life.

By most accounts, I am a fairly calm, even tempered people. But, in the past there were a few people that I ABSOLUTLY DESPISED. If I happened to think of them or saw something that reminded me of them, my stomach just knotted. Eventually I came to realize that it cost me a lot of effort to stay focused in that place. And, it would be a lot easier if you could contain anger and hatred, but you can't. It spills over into other parts of your life and just makes a f+++ed up mess.

[PaulaQ]

Eventually I came to realize that it cost me a lot of effort to stay focused in that place. And, it would be a lot easier if you could contain anger and hatred, but you can't. It spills over into other parts of your life and just makes a f+++ed up mess.

You are completely correct, of course. I've spent many years, and lots of hours of therapy trying to resolve this. It's a character defect. And my Dad was pretty evil, as it happens. Perhaps there is simply no solution to this particular equation.

edit:
I am going to have to try again to resolve this stuff, I guess. Thinking about it, if I am angry with myself over my CD, or come to hate myself because of it, well, that is one of the more likely ways for me to completely self destruct, I think. So I guess I better not do that, huh?

[Barbara Ella]

Self Acceptance. These words can mean very different things to each and every one of us here. Quite a lot of it will have to do with the external situation, quite a lot. At 65 i realized i was a cross dresser, only 18 months ago now. It has gone quite a bit farther, but it began with the realization that I was, and this developed into an acceptance that I could live with it and work with it and enjoy it. It was not going to destroy my life as it was at that time. I was retired. Children were grown, Wife would not have to live with her dislike for a developing lifetime, and I could live with her limitations of people not knowing.

Younger people will have the extra burden of worry about the impact on their developing life and their accepting bringing many others into their circle; and they think this should impact their acceptance of themselves. I recognize this circumstance, but would hope that that would have little to do with one's internal acceptance of themselves, only on who else they wanted to open up to. Many feel this is a critical part of their acceptance. I do not. I accept me and who I am, and who I am becoming, and the external burdens are not part of self acceptance if I can live with myself. Right now I can. In the future i may not be able to, and at that point, my acceptance of myself may also depend on my living publicly. That will be a different situation, and right now has no impact on accepting myself today.

Today is important because it is. The future may or may not be, so why worry about it?

Barbara

[Kelly Smith]

The first time I put on heels, nylons, panties, a bra, wig and makeup, I looked in the mirror and felt the pure exultation of the newly liberated prisoner. My self-acceptance was immediate and absolute. Reflecting on it gives me joy.

[PaulaQ]

The first time I put on heels, nylons, panties, a bra, wig and makeup, I looked in the mirror and felt the pure exultation of the newly liberated prisoner.

I understand this feeling Kelly, first time I looked in the mirror with a wig, makeup, it was as if I was seeing myself for the first time.

Unfortunately, I've had a lot of trouble accepting it from there. A measure of it is good old fashioned guilt - this is liable to really hurt my wife. Since I'd do anything to protect her, I feel horribly conflicted about this prospect.

Part of it is fear - what am I, who am I, where does this lead, can I even do this?

It scares the hell out of me. It's not that I don't like it - I like it enough that it frightens me.

I'm really glad for how you feel.

[Angela Campbell]

This has meaning for me. For most of my life I knew I was a woman on the inside and had lost any hope of ever doing anything about it. It was a lost cause. Then last year I dressed fully with a wig, makeup, shoes and the whole thing. When I was done I looked in the mirror and something changed. For the first time in my life I saw the woman that has been inside of me the whole time. It shook me to the core. I knew in that moment I had crossed some kind of threshold and could never go back. I had hope for the first time in my life. Since that day I do not think there has been more than a couple of days I have not been dressed completely as a woman. I am slowly changing my body too. I have lost over 100 lbs, I no longer tolerate any body hair and have shaped my eyebrows. I have begun going out in public as a woman and there are people who have never met the male side of me now.
I don't know where this is going to end up but I know I can never go back to the way it was before that day. Will I end up on HRT? Will it go all the way to SRS? I do not know. I cannot say no for sure anymore and I have not said yes either. I don't think there is any hurry to make any decisions right now, but I know my life is better than it has ever been. On that one day....someone awoke in me. Ellen has been hiding for over 50 years and finally woke up.

[Jenniferathome]

First, let me comment that cross dressing will not kill you and it is not addictive. You didn't find cross dressing as a way to substitute for drugs or alcohol. Cross dressing is in us.

So, it makes you feel good because it is part of you and you are finally letting it out. I have never struggled with this part of me. It is. I am a happy, normal adult male. I love my wife and kids and I treat others well. Cross dressing does not change any of that. Are you a good person? Are you kind to others? That's all that matters.

[Tanya J]

I see where you are coming from about not wanting another thing to set you apart. I am on both sides of the fence i enjoy being different in some ways but not others. I am a very competitive person. I make a living by being different and love it. My paycheck is directly tied to how i place in a sports competition so my differences have provided me a job. The frustrating part of this is i don't want to be different than the women i emulate. I would want nothing more than to fit in. This is a very addicting hobby. I dont know that i do completely accept this about myself. I probably treat it the same way i treat my health try to know what i can about it, dont ignore, it but dont be so obsessed i forget to live my life

[Allison Chaynes]

Paula,

Your issues are not unique. Many of us have been struggling, just like you.

Substance abuse is the wrong answer to every problem. I've been there too, I know.

If you want your wife to know, tell her. If not, don't tell her. Be advised, she will probably find out at some point.

This has been a part of my life since childhood. I was always there, but was allowed very little time for exploration. Only in the last two years have I had the opportunity to really come out and interact with the world.

I had a needy wife and three children in school, and I settled into a life of work, pay the bills, make sure the kids are provided for, then drink all night to forget my problems. Well, the "problem" didn't go away. I, Michelle, was the problem.

It's almost like two personalities, only you're a single personality with more than one face. I have now accepted my other half, and am exploring the world that this has to offer.

So, what's wrong with being different? I tried to conform for years, and it didn't work. So, I'm different. I don't fit in. I'm the only one on the job site with pretty hair and fingernails, and who walks gracefully. Well, Einstein didn't fit in. Alexander Bell, Napoleon Bonaparte (would probably be on this site), Bill Gates. Didn't fit in. I will be happy to join that club.

Michelle, I admire your outlook. Sometimes I wish I could go full time, other times I wish the opposite. I accept that I am who I am, bi-gendered or whatever term you wish to use. I wish I didn't feel I had to hide it from everyone but the wife.

[JamieTG]

Crossdressing had contributed to my lifetime of low self esteem. Growing up in the 50's and 60's when society labeled you as a bad person, pervert, ect. has had an enormous effect on how I view myself. I've never wanted to be different. I just wanted to be a guy like all the other guys I knew and I've never felt that I measured up to everybody else. I know its all in my head and I wish I had told my parents or a counselor when I was growing up instead of keeping it all inside. I've accepted it but I'll never really embrace it and be happy with the way I am.

[PaulaQ]

You know something - I think I might be getting someplace in terms of self acceptance.

I've been thinking about how hard I've tried to fit in as one of the guys. I never have fit in well with other men. I mean, it's always been a struggle. I'm *really* bad at it.
Well, the obvious explanation that I've been trying to avoid is that I'm not actually one of the guys. I'm a girl - at least on the inside.

It's weird - this is an enormous relief, realizing this. I should feel sad, or angry, or ashamed or something. It's how I've felt before.

But I don't feel those things - I think this is the funniest damned thing that has ever happened to me. I'm really, really bad at this, and thinking back on my attempts to hide this - it's just funny. When I've felt sorry for myself, I've said stuff to myself like "I'm tired of being God's comic relief." But you know something? Even if I am the comic relief, I don't care, because when I step back and look at it, it really is pretty funny.

I'm sure, as realities set in, and the problems of "well, OK then, so I'm a girl. Now what? Don't look much like one. Nobody thinks of me that way. Don't know how to act like one." as well as myriad other problems, that I won't feel quite so sanguine about this.

But right now, today anyway, I feel a lot better.

[DaniG]

I'm sure, as realities set in, and the problems of "well, OK then, so I'm a girl. Now what? Don't look much like one. Nobody thinks of me that way. Don't know how to act like one." as well as myriad other problems, that I won't feel quite so sanguine about this.

But right now, today anyway, I feel a lot better.

I remember saying those words just to myself just a few months ago, "I'm a woman." I'd been in complete denial before that. I'd never CDed before or had any conscious inking that I was TGed. But I'd clearly been broken all my life, broken in too many ways to list, things like my sexuality, self-esteem, etc. This epiphany was scary at first, but has become one of the most wonderful things that's ever happened to me. Like you, I've never related to men, etc. And so now, I'm on to "Now what?" including CDing. It's very exciting.

Welcome to yourself!


I did learn something too. The male side of my personality is kind of a drag. He's all about anger, fear, and worry. I guess those are useful sometimes, but my goodness, what a killjoy!

This is extremely telling. What is Paula like? Is she a happy person? Wouldn't your wife like you to be happy? If she loves you, then it ought to be high on her list. You might be surprised. Your happiness is going to affect everyone around you. Life's too short to spend it in the closet. You deserve to discover who you really are, and be that person.


...if I am angry with myself over my CD, or come to hate myself because of it,...

I can't help but wonder if your character flaw of inability to forgive is aimed squarely at you here. Are you torturing yourself? Maybe the first person you need to forgive is yourself.


Unfortunately, I've had a lot of trouble accepting it from there. A measure of it is good old fashioned guilt - this is liable to really hurt my wife. Since I'd do anything to protect her, I feel horribly conflicted about this prospect.

Part of it is fear - what am I, who am I, where does this lead, can I even do this?

I would recommend approaching the subject in a neutral conversation, ie without telling her about you specifically. See how opposed to CD/TG she is. Then argue in the defensive to the best you can without being obvious. Be prepared. Get the facts, good anecdotes, etc. Work on her over time. Perhaps invent a CD friend you're sympathizing with as a conversation tool. Maybe you can humanize the issue that way before breaking the real topic.

For me, I agonize over coming out, but it was the best thing I ever did for our relationship, and my wife and I have never been closer.

[Joanne f]

The only way that you will know if it is something that you need for a new fix or if it is really part of you is time and in that time if you accept it then that is possibly telling you that it is part of you but at the moment you may be just experiencing the affect of catch-up time which might show it's self from the want/need to wear clothe's of a much younger age group from what you actually are although most like to try and look younger than we are :heehee:.
One thing I can tell you with a certainty is that it is nothing like having a terminal cancer as you most definitely do not get a fix when you are told about that and the drugs you take will definitely not make you high if you think they do look up Cytotoxic drugs.

[cuis]

I have been atheist since i was a little kid (that bitch the church school teacher was help me reject religion). Without the impediment of religion i was free to be whatever i wanted, and didn't feel bad about being different in this way.

[kellivoegele]

"And if I'm really not some type of addict, then how do I resolve the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants this, and the part of me that totally hates it and fears it will wreck my life? " Just because you feel the need to cross dress doesn't mean you're an addict. You might just have a feminine side that needs to be satisfied every now and then. And if wearing a dress and heels and painting your nails/putting on make up every now and then satisfies this; then I say do it. If your SO freaks out about this when you do it then maybe she/he isn't the person for you. I think that parents and friends will be more tolerant than most people think when they come out, remember it's not you where but you that they like/love. If someone doesn't like you base on what you where on occasion or all the time, they don't really like YOU; they like the idea of you they made in their minds. Which probably isn't the real you, you might lose them as friends but find out where other cross dressers in your country or state live. From every thing I've seen and read we seem to be very open-minded and accepting people.

[PaulaQ]

Well, I think I can answer the question for myself that I asked when I started this thread - I think for me the answer is "humor."

It is really funny that out of all the stuff in life that I thought was making me miserable - that this is likely the main thing. Thinking back on my attempts to be a dude - it's sort of like that old Kevin Kline movie, "In & Out". I've never been good at being a guy, and I'd be sad about it - but it is just so dang funny. How'd I fool anybody? LOL.

I've spent a little time today thinking about women. I think most of the people I admire - at least people I talk about a lot - are women, one's in my family or in my life in the past. I think if I could develop some of their qualities - not so much looks, or beauty, but other things, like learning to really love people, to care, even to nurture, well, I'd feel pretty successful. I don't expect those things to be easy to learn (and I have a great many other things to learn besides those!), and maybe I've started too late, or just don't have the DNA for it. But I hope I can get some of those qualities - I hope some of that is innate in me, at least a little. If I could be 1/10th the woman that some of the women I admire are, I'd be a much better PERSON than I am today, I know that now.

I don't have much of a concrete plan of action yet. I have too much to learn about myself and explore. The only thing that immediately occurs to me, aside from the obvious topics we discuss here (learning more about how to present as a female, and how to integrate that into my life somehow), is that I think I'd like to learn to bake. I don't know if I can, but two of the women in my life that I very much admire were bakers. (They were a great many other things too, many of which I'll never be.) They baked with love - I'd like to be able to express love that way. It's a silly, small trivial thing, but I think it would mean a lot to me, and it would remind me to be like them in other ways. It's a place to start, maybe?