stash

[cdsara]

Well my wife was looking for something last night and cam across my makeup stash. She was quite upset. she thought I had stopped and got rid of everything.
I have stopped but I never purged all my stuff.( what was I waiting for? was I waiting for everthing to go to crap with the relationship?) I had actually forgot it was there. Our relationship has been really good lately and I went and screwed it up!! now she doesnt trust me again. I had just earned it back. Why do I keep doing this?Why cant I just forget this part of me? Just had to vent its very tense here now. What do you girls think??

[Lorileah]

I think you need to decide what you are going to do. Since I am in the "tell the truth" camp, you should either get it settled with your wife or throw it all away and don't sneak.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Sara, I think part of you knew you needed this, and so you kept your makeup because it was special, and you couldn't purge it.

It isn't clear why you can't forget this part of you. But unfortunately, the odds are, you can't. I sympathize with you - I'm having a hard time dealing with this. But the fact of the matter is, you are likely stuck with this, and any "treatement" you might get is:
1. Worse than the actual issue - other than socially
2. Won't work anyway
There are threads here on how to tell your wife. You may as well tell her this isn't going away. A lot of us have spent a lot of time really, really, really, really, really, really wanting this to go away. It mostly just doesn't. I certainly hope you and she find a way to accept this part of you. Again, I really sympathize, I'm struggling too.

[Sallee]

good luck You best accept it get some therapy for yourself and your wife. A support group if one exists in your area You could also talk to a gay support group I would probably leave the wife out of that one and maybe they could recommend a good gender counselor .

[cdsara]

She knows all about it. I came out a year ago to her. We have gone through therapy and everything was going well but suppressing this side of me is really tough. I think I will look for another therapist. I want to stop for her but she wants me to stop for myself and keeps calling it an addiction.
Hi Sara, I think part of you knew you needed this, and so you kept your makeup because it was special, and you couldn't purge it.

It isn't clear why you can't forget this part of you. But unfortunately, the odds are, you can't. I sympathize with you - I'm having a hard time dealing with this. But the fact of the matter is, you are likely stuck with this, and any "treatement" you might get is:
1. Worse than the actual issue - other than socially
2. Won't work anyway
There are threads here on how to tell your wife. You may as well tell her this isn't going away. A lot of us have spent a lot of time really, really, really, really, really, really wanting this to go away. It mostly just doesn't. I certainly hope you and she find a way to accept this part of you. Again, I really sympathize, I'm struggling too.

[PaulaQ]

She knows all about it. I came out a year ago to her. We have gone through therapy and everything was going well but suppressing this side of me is really tough. I think I will look for another therapist. I want to stop for her but she wants me to stop for myself and keeps calling it an addiction.

I would look for another therapist. For what it's worth, I've beaten addictions before. I've been sober more than 20 years. I don't think I'll beat this, at least I haven't so far.

Everything I've read about "treating" this is pretty negative. There is no magic pill to make this go away. The normal types of psychological treatments don't work on this in the vast majority of cases. I'm not even sure there is a 12 step program to try to stop this. :|

Sorry to be "Donna Defeatist."

[Sid]

(Firstly, apologies if I'm posting in the wrong place. I've been reading posts on here for a few months, but only recently decided to actually join in.)

I've dated a couple of guys that liked to dress up (my current partner does) and in my experience you can never entirely suppress it. It is part of who you are. When my partner first started dating me he was terrified I would find out and threw away all of his clothes, wigs, makeup, etc. He went about 6 months without dressing up and turned into a very stressed, snappy guy! Not the person I was attracted to when we first met. He now has free reign to dress up when he likes and is much calmer, more centred and fun to be around. I have been in previous relationships where I had to ignore parts of myself in order to remain attractive to my ex (like being submissive and cute - not me at all) and it made me very unhappy. If you are with the right person then you should never feel that you have to hide any part of who you are. They should accept you completely.

Have you considered that you may be with the wrong person?

[Beverley Sims]

Sara,
it is not going to go away and somehow you are going to have to have an agreement with your wife about toleration.
Dishonesty is not really a valid option.
It just leads to distrust and suspicion.

[Stevie]

Tgsara
I been down the same road. My wife has told me to get rid of my stuff. I would throw away a couple things and hide the rest someplace else. She would find it again and have me throw it away in front of her. Later I would sneak into the garbage and pick some of the smaller stuff out and hide it again. The went on for awhile. Finally the last time that happened I just told her that this is me and what I want to do. That if if get rid of it I'm going to replace it. She told me that I was getting good at hiding this and I told her if I was then why you keep finding out.
As for trust I'm still working on it with her to this day. That is a serious issue and hope you work it out with her.

[princesshart]

Sara
I am a gg. I run a support group for the wives. And significant others. She needs someone to talk to and you both need to communicate to
Each other honestly. Not every wife can just accept this. Trust is a big thing for a wife when you break that she becomes ready to bolt.
If it were me I would suggest she and you both talk to a therapist. Maybe as a couple and also alone.
There are so many books out there that are helpful. Most wives think their husbands can just stop dressing it isn't that easy. I wish the best for you both:-) Hang in there.

[Rogina B]

Lorileah and Beverly gave you good advice and I will add this. As long as you view it as a negative trait for yourself,yet you really are just pretending that,due to pressure,your relationship will continue to be a mess. Therapy is a waste when the person isn't honest with their feelings.I also know that "hoopster" relationships don't work out in the end.How many hoops do you think your wife will hold up for you to jump through in order to "make her happy"? In the grand scheme of things for you,this is a pretty harmless hobby! What does she think you should displace[suppress] it with?

[Kate Simmons]

You need to decide what is more important to you. Only then can you make an informed decision. She also needs to know that you are not happy if you don't CD.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Sara, I'm sorry you are hitting a rough patch again. I will offer very similar advice that I always have: you have to talk to a therapist, together. Did she really believe that you had somehow "given up" this part of you? How? Why? Did you tell her so? You used the perfect word in your message: suppressed. To suppress is not to quit or overcome something. Is that the word you used with her?

She needs to hear, from an objective third party, that what you are is normal. Then, you may still have a DADT relationship, but the hiding of things will not be a trust issue.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I agree with the others, at this point and if you want your relationship to work, you two should seek counseling. A Gender Therapist preferably, as they will have better insight to what defines you than your average therapist who may or may not know what being TG is.
Perhaps if your wife and it seems you, to a certain extent, knew really what your up against, more compassion, understanding and compromise may be available, where right now it isn't.
You feel like you can just quit, you may, but its statistically doubtful.
I think She thinks of it as an addiction, which it isn't.
Your job may provide free counseling referrals, and at the very least you will both be informed more of what is going on in each others heads.
For better or worse right?

[cdsara]

Jenn, I think you hit the nail on the head. She thinks I can just stop, last time I tried I got really moody. We have seen a counselor but there arent any that are versed in TG matters here. I spoke to a therapist yesterday and she has treated some so I am going to see her thursday. Maybe she can help.

[Rogina B]

I spoke to a therapist yesterday and she has treated some so I am going to see her thursday. Maybe she can help.
Help what? Treated? Is this like an STD? You need to speak directly to your wife and stop the playing around!:brolleyes:

[JenniferR771]

Been there, some counselors are old-school. And some treat cd like a sexual addiction. My counselor asked me to purge my girlie things and go to the library and read a book on sexual addiction, porn addiction, peeping toms, hooker fans and so forth. The only local counselor that really had any knowledge of transgender issues--my wife refused to go back after the first meeting. Later we found another counselor. He borrowed a book from me, but he was not helpful--and later he was arrested for consorting with a patient. You may have to search long and hard to find one that is truly qualified to counsel the two of you as a couple.
Read through the websites of many local and nearby counselors. Read very carefully between the lines on their website--find the best one for your situation. Drive to the next town if you have to. Bozeman is close,right?

Most mature women know that some men crossdress and that these men keep it mostly hidden. Men have sexual drives, fetishes, turn-ons, urges--women know this instinctively.

For Montana:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=63562&sid=1362543525.0639_15267&county=Flathead&state=MT

or contact Ann Vitale in California. She can arrange long distance counseling--very experienced with gender problems. And perhaps she could put you in touch with a qualified local person. I didn't see any that looked suitable when I searched near you.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Also a relatively new thing is online counseling via Skype or another video conferencing medium. Be careful though as your insurance may not deem an out of state dr viable for coverage.
If you have an employee assistance try that, or google, they put me in touch with a couple that weren't listed in psychology today, two towns over, when psych today listed closest as being 60 miles away.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sara, Crossdressing is like the Miafa, You just can't quit.

[cdsara]

Jennifer, no bozeman is more than 6 hrs away. That's a little too far for me. I have been talking to a new therapist and I made an appointment for next week. We will see how it goes. She seems very nice and we have chatted on the phone a few times already. What do most of you think go to a man or woman therapist??


Help what? Treated? Is this like an STD? You need to speak directly to your wife and stop the playing around!:brolleyes:
Regina, I am trying to figure out what I want to do. I don't want to lose my wife but I don't want to quit either so I am hoping a therapist can help me work through what I am feeling.

[Jenniferathome]

Regina, I am trying to figure out what I want to do. I don't want to lose my wife but I don't want to quit either so I am hoping a therapist can help me work through what I am feeling.

Sara, it is not just you that needs to talk and work things out. Your wife must join you. You are a team.

[PaulaQ]

Regina, I am trying to figure out what I want to do. I don't want to lose my wife but I don't want to quit either so I am hoping a therapist can help me work through what I am feeling.

I think you need to consider the real probability that it doesn't matter whether you want to quit or not. Most of us find we are unable to do so after many attempts and purges. If you are going to make this work, she will have to accept it to some extent, even if acceptance is "don't ask, don't tell", with some mutually agreed limits.

Would you cut your arm off if she asked you to do so to save your marriage? Because in many respects, asking you to quit is much the same. (Obviously quitting is a much more reasonable seeming request!)

[JenniferR771]

Jennialy is right...Psychology Today magazine has a website and local referral service--but--I think it lists only counselors who are members and who have paid to be on the list. Search the phone book and other sources for best local information. A woman would probably be better able to relate to your wife--but may not understand you as well. I remember long ago asking for a counselor who was a gay woman, atheist--to avoid some of the previous problems--the phone girl had no listing for that.
One of the first things you should do as you are laying on her couch is to tilt your head and scan the books on her bookshelf. If there are no books on Cding--you are at the wrong office. Look for: My husband Betty, My Husband wears my clothes, Crossdressing with Dignity. Others. Ask for links--if she is not aware of this site--she is not aware enough to help you and yours.

[Stephanie47]

If the goal of therapy with your wife is to rid you of the 'cross dressing demon' it's not going to work. You're suggesting to your wife and the therapist there is something inherently wrong, evil or whatever about cross dressing. Is that how you perceive yourself? You are not going to suppress who you are and you should not. You need to redirect this therapy to come to a mutual understanding of the issue.

The cat is already out of the bag. Your wife's image of you has been forever changed. My recommendation is to have your wife attend therapy with the goal of HER recognizing this is part of you. The vast majority of us are in a DADT marriage, which is usually fine. I would not subject my non supportive wife to Stephanie. I do not sit around the home en femme. I do not hang my garments in the closet. She knows where some are. She finds on occasion a garment that I forgot to put away. There are unspoken boundaries that I do not break. After years of marriage a guy should be able to read his wife well enough to figure out what's acceptable or an irritant.

Exactly what will happen if you tell her you cannot give up this integral part of you. Even on a subconscious level your feminine side had an effect on why she wanted to be with you. You may be able to hide the cross dressing, but, you cannot hide it's influence on you.

[cdsara]

She made the comment the other day of maybe she needs to find a way to accept some of this. She doesn't want me hiding it from here anymore, I am sure its a lying thing. Which I understand and don't want to do but can't simply quit. I will end up starting again and she will find out and be hurt again. I am hoping for some guidance to help talking to her .

[cdsara]

She also keeps asking me what made me start again and what she isn't doing that made me go back to it. So apparently she blames herself that she is not sexy enough or something. Even though I reassure her it isn't her fault. Am I doing something wrong here??

[Jenniferathome]

She also keeps asking me what made me start again and what she isn't doing that made me go back to it. So apparently she blames herself that she is not sexy enough or something. Even though I reassure her it isn't her fault. Am I doing something wrong here??

No Sara, you are not but the issue is YOU are the one telling her. She needs to hear this from an objective source.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I agree with Jennifer, its a Jenn thing... Anyway, I think you seeing a therapist then couples would be good, it's not her fault, and its hard not to be advantageous in that situation, but reassure her she's great, and that hearing it from an objective third party will help with you and her self doubts.

[cdsara]

She has read a lot and talked to a therapist bit she can't seem to accept it. We will keep trying and maybe this new therapist will help.