why therapy

[Stevie]

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist. I don't see my dressing as a problem. As far as I know if you have a problem then go see a therapist but society labels us as I problem so we have to take time out of our lives to be told what we already know. I personally think maybe society has issues and they should go see a therapist. .these are my personal feelings that I have to get off my chest.

[nhlighthouse]

Stevie you are so right and I agree with you fully...It is not us as CD's or others!

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist. I don't see my dressing as a problem. As far as I know if you have a problem then go see a therapist but society labels us as I problem so we have to take time out of our lives to be told what we already know. I personally think maybe society has issues and they should go see a therapist. .these are my personal feelings that I have to get off my chest.

[StaceyJane]

Sometimes life can be a bit complicated. In my case my wife found out by accident and it almost ruined my marriage. I saw a therapist to help put things back together. My CDing and gender issues were always a big part of that.

[MysticLady]

Hi Stevie

Though I almost agree I feel that therapy may help loved one cope with this side of us. Let's face it, this is something that 99% of the worlds population would see as something not right. When I told my exwife about it(and this is one person that supposedly loved me)she freaked out intensely to a point that she could not deal with it. Like you I know who I am but others may have trouble with it. So I feel that sometimes a third unbias party may help. Ever notice how your wife listens to others more so than to you? If I had not been so stubborn and seen a therapist with the exwife it may have helped save my marriage.

[Beverley Sims]

Stevie,
I do not have a problem either, I do not seek therapy for anything.
I have always made up my mind about what ever is wrong with my mind, body, etc.
Some need guidance as they have some insurmountable problem that they are unable to solve.
Some come here with marriages on the rocks and all they have is hate between partners.
They need a mediator to help them see reason. I think therapists are a mediator between some of us and our minds.
Those undergoing transition take hormones that change their bodies and mess with their minds, they sometimes become depressed and confused and all it takes is a second opinion to help them out.

Fortunately I feel I do not have any troubles and go along enjoying life and handing out homespun philosophy to others.
So because you and I are fortunate in life others do need help.

[Cheryl T]

The problem is that society makes us endure this guilt about being who we are and not accepting us as that person. Once we free ourselves of that guilt and realize that it is not Our problem, but Theirs then we can move along in life without all the baggage and enjoy living...no therapist required.

[stephNE]

I agree. Wearing any type of clothing that you "like", is not a problem. Things should only be considered a problem with they disrupt and interfere with other parts of your life.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Very few people are complately self actualized, therapy can not only solve problems but give you someone objective to talk to where you might not get with a spouse or friend or Internet forums.

[PrincessLuLu]

I'm married to a CDer, and neither one of us sees a therapist. However, I can see how talking with someone well educated and nonjudgmental could be really beneficial for some.

Just because some CDers are totally comfortable with themselves doesn't mean all are. Imagine living as a closet CDer surrounded by friends and family who make it glaringly obvious that they think such things are "disgusting" or "an abomination"... I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel to have your wife practically disown you, have your family torn apart, and have something so personal broadcast to every family member, friend, and neighbor just for spite. You can't take ALL THOSE PEOPLE to therapy and change THEM. But that one person could go and learn to be more accepting of themselves despite the reaction of others, learn to cope with the distress of such a horrible family breakup, learn how to express themselves to friends/loved ones in the future without dying of anxiety first, etc etc...

If dressing doesn't cause any problems for a person, then yay for them. But that's not to say that society is the only side that can have real problems. I don't consider therapy to be something to "fix" a cd/ts person, it's just to help them have a more abundant, happy life regardless of what their experiences are with society.

[PaulaQ]

I'm strongly considering a therapist, if I can find someone who isn't going to tell me that God will cure me. I'm having trouble adjusting to this side of myself, it will probably help to talk with someone.

Is it really stupid to feel so badly about something so trivial? Yes. Society is screwed up and intolerant. Does knowing that change my feelings of self doubt and loathing? Not one iota.

[Kate Simmons]

Many TS folks go to therapists as they are conflicted or go because it's a requirement within the Harry Benjamin standards to transition. I never had a problem with myself. I went to therapy to try and figure out how to deal with those of my family and friends who did have a problem with it. I was successful in that endeavor.:)

[Lorileah]

when one is involved in an act, such as CDing, one does not see it as a problem. Driving too fast on the highway, not a problem (unless the other driver gets in your way). Jumping from an airplane with no parachute, not a problem (until you hit the ground). Cheating on your spouse, no problem (until she finds out and you have hurt her feelings). You could go on and on.

Personally, I don't find using a therapist helpful. I have worked my way through what many find confusing or questionable. However, a lot of people benefit from therapy, if for nothing more than having someone to talk to who won't be judgmental. If I continue my journey as it is going a therapist will become required. Hopefully a short requirement :)

[janet54]

Did not do one thing for me.

[Lynn Marie]

I'm thinking that a therapist could be instrumental in helping the CDer see things from the spouse and other family members point of view. Possibly mellowing some of the selfishness we boys seem to be so good at, and helping us to find a real peace in ourselves.

My therapist told me to say this!

[Ariamythe]

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist. I don't see my dressing as a problem.
If it's not causing you any emotional pain or life troubles, then you probably don't need to see a therapist. You're one of the lucky ones.

However, many people in the CD/TS spectrum aren't so lucky. We either struggle with guilt, shame, or depression; or we're not sure how far things go and we're uncertain how to proceed; or we are in situations where spouses, parents, or others are causing us emotional pain. For us, therapy can be a helpful support unit.

[whowhatwhen]

Some things are only really able to be handled by a professional, and besides - do you want to be the Debbie Downer who constantly moans about her problems to whoever will listen?
If you feel like, for example, wishing to cease existing it's better to talk with a professional about it rather than put such a heavy burden on friends and or family who probably aren't equipped to handle it.

Imagine how they would feel knowing that they can't help you.

[Tracii G]

I thought about seeking therapy but this place helped me to understand all I need to know.

[Michelle.M]

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist.

I feel like I'm walking into the middle of a conversation. Who said that you needed therapy?

[Vickie_CDTV]

You don't have to have therapy... unless possibly if you are planning for HRT (I can't remember if they even require therapy as a prerequisite for that anymore) or you want SRS (which is done, at least in part, for liability reasons.)

[Ariamythe]

I feel like I'm walking into the middle of a conversation. Who said that you needed therapy?
She may be responding to the general trend. Therapy does sometimes seem to be a ubiquitous bit of advice for CDs and trans women.

[Stevie]

I thought about seeking therapy but this place helped me to understand all I need to know.

That's how I feel.

[flatlander_48]

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist. I don't see my dressing as a problem. As far as I know if you have a problem then go see a therapist but society labels us as I problem so we have to take time out of our lives to be told what we already know. I personally think maybe society has issues and they should go see a therapist. .these are my personal feelings that I have to get off my chest.

It's a classic case of Your Milage May Vary. Whereas you don't see your dressing as a problem, other people here may have a terrible time in trying to reconcile what they've been told with the person that they are. Our society puts a lot of pressure on us, directly and indirectly, to conform to the notion of a binary gender construct. What counseling does, I believe, is help you to be more comfortable in your own skin and on your own terms. When we take charge of our own beings, it is a very empowering thing. Personally I prefer the idea of working on myself and taking care of myself. Even if I could get others (and it would have to be MANY others), how would I know that it would turn out like I would want? It's all about control. If I am working on myself, I am in control.

That said, from what I've read here and elsewhere suggests that there is a BIG variance in the effectiveness of the treatment people receive. Unfortunately some therapists bring their own bias into a situation. In theory they are not supposed to do that, but it isn't a perfect world. The trick is finding someone who can deal with their own prejudices well enough to be able to help you with your issues. I have a good friend who has a doctorate in psychology and finds it very helpful to have a personal counseling relationship. It just helps to keep things in perspective.

[flatlander_48]

I thought about seeking therapy but this place helped me to understand all I need to know.


Don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't sweat the petty things.

[melissakozak]

I sought therapy because I am so darn close to being TS. Attempting to strike a balance, find inner peace and move through this world as a transidentified person is not easy. Crossdressing does not provide relief or sexual pleasure or any of that...it simply allows me to be who I am on the inside part of the time. I have to go out, be seen and have an active social life in order for me to be happy, all the while preserving a family life and career in boy mode. Easier said than actually done. I am not satisfied dressing in private...it does almost nothing for me....

[Tammy Nowakowski]

Did not do one thing for me.

Been there done that also
One of them told me i would out grow it
i look back on that and have not..

[Michelle.M]

She may be responding to the general trend. Therapy does sometimes seem to be a ubiquitous bit of advice for CDs and trans women.

Well, that's why I asked. Therapy is pretty much required for a transwoman who's intent on engaging the system to get surgery or HRT prescriptions. Many non-op or self-medicating transwomen forego that as unnecessary. But if a CD is happy with her life choices and there are no other family, relationship or self acceptance issues then why is this even an issue, irrespective of the general trend?

[flatlander_48]

I'm strongly considering a therapist, if I can find someone who isn't going to tell me that God will cure me. I'm having trouble adjusting to this side of myself, it will probably help to talk with someone.

Is it really stupid to feel so badly about something so trivial? Yes. Society is screwed up and intolerant. Does knowing that change my feelings of self doubt and loathing? Not one iota.

While I have not had professional counseling sessions, I did participate in a peer-to-peer counseling methodology for a number of years. It was where I began to consider the possibility that I was not heterosexual. One of the things that I found out, which others here may already know, is that if I could verbalize what I was thinking and feeling, I was well on the way to dealing with it. If I couldn't verbalize it, all I was doing was treading water (and just barely at that). Just being in a benign and non-judging environment does wonders for relieving the pressure and allowing one to actually think.

[Jorja]

As long as your CDing is not causing a problem in your life, there is no need for therapy. There are many that do go to therapy because they become confused about their gender or their CDing is interfering with their life. It is all too easy to get lost in the "pink fog".

[Alice Torn]

I have been going to VA therapists for about 7 years, and also Adult Children Anonymous 12 step group. I have suffered a lifetime of guilt and shame, just for existing. My worst nightmare came true, as i was forced to move 2000 miles, three years ago, to help my toxic father, and then my neonazi brother got out of prison, and came back here. Without dressiing issues, this is painful enough, having to deal with all my childhood toxic stuff all over again. Dressing, is another tough issue, altogether, but, it is connected with father/mother issues. And, religion issues, too. I find my therapist does not help much.

[Jessica86]

Totally agree with OP. Therapy is POINTLESS. Anyone see the story of the divorce therapist who split the couple up intentionally to get with the man? Yep. Trust me. As someone who has been through pre marriage, post marriage, and divorce counseling....it doesn't work. All it is is somebody telling you what you want to hear, for a price. If you really think you can hand someone fifty bucks an hour and expect the truth....you really needed help before you walked in. As far as education, that means nothing here. No amount of training can prepare a person for your situation.

[NZ_Dawn]

Im 100% in support of your views on this one Stevie! I do not see it should be a 'requirement' for anyone and as for ..."because it's a requirement within the Harry Benjamin standards to transition" I wonder if we look back in time what others will see this as being perhaps a draconian system that was way off the mark. (jeeze did Harry get this one wrong, blood-letting and leaches, electro therapy and cocktails of drugs were abound not that long ago. I,m not against anyone who wants to see and see advice from a therapist, counsellor, shrink or ?? if they wish, but not as a requirement. I have been lucky enough to find a GP who understands that Im happy with who I am, and does not see the need for a referal or confirmation of this from a therapist.

[whowhatwhen]

Totally agree with OP. Therapy is POINTLESS. Anyone see the story of the divorce therapist who split the couple up intentionally to get with the man? Yep. Trust me. As someone who has been through pre marriage, post marriage, and divorce counseling....it doesn't work. All it is is somebody telling you what you want to hear, for a price. If you really think you can hand someone fifty bucks an hour and expect the truth....you really needed help before you walked in. As far as education, that means nothing here. No amount of training can prepare a person for your situation.

That is plain wrong, and I'm sorry so many people have had bad therapists.
I was lucky and got an awesome one right from the start, but I guess some people don't realize that they don't need to continue seeing someone they're not compatible with.

Either way, a good therapist won't tell you what you want to hear.
No one should go in expecting to tell their story and get a "yep, your TS" diagnosis or anything else.

They are there to help you work through your problems, but that takes work on your end.
They are there to listen if you need to talk about something as private as gender issues.

How would my friends and family feel if I said:
"I get absolutely no joy out of living and I honestly wish I would simply pop out of existence. I hate myself with every fibre of my being."

What could they possibly do except feel absolutely terrified?
How could they possibly help?

You're expecting friends, family, or total strangers to take on a potentially enormous emotional load with no training or expertise.
It would be extremely selfish to do so.

[Allison Chaynes]

It's not necessarily about seeing CDing as a bad thing and trying to fix yourself. For me it was finding a balance and working out issues with my wife, as she doesn't always want to communicate what's really on her mind. The therapist helped a LITTLE as far as the CD stuff, but where I found her most helpful was dealing with job related stress and marital issues that I assumed were CD related but actually weren't. It helps to actually have goals for what you want out of therapy- go into it with questions you need help answering but get a therapist who won't BS you. If they tell you what you want to hear, quit going.

[Stephanie47]

If someone is totally comfortable with self, then therapy is not needed. If there are self doubts, self loathing, etc, I can see seeking some sort of self assurance. Even if one is confident with his self, but, there is discord within the marriage, then counseling may be beneficial. However, that does not mean counseling to "cure" the CD-er because his wife does not like it. It means working out a suitable arrangement, even if it a DADT resolution. The end result may well be counseling for the wife to recognize the needs of the husband. Since 50% of first marriages end in divorce, one should not assume counseling will result in the continuation of the marriage.

Alcoholism, drug addiction, spousal abuse are destructive behavior. Cross dressing is not destructive in itself. It's how the husband and wife view it that is destructive. My wife does not like it. And, I do not push it on her.

I go to counseling for war/combat related issues for which counseling has been beneficial. I went to couples counseling with her. However, she ascribed all marital difficulties or differences to my combat related issues, and, would not address her personal issues that were caused before I even met her. I decided, if she was not going recognize her own issues, I was not going to sit there are get beat up about it. The counselors were in total agreement. We each had our own counselors.

Each situation is unique.

[Amanda M]

Sorry Jessica, you are coming from a place where you are extrapolating your own experience into a false generality.

[Allison Chaynes]

Hi Amanda, can you say more? I was mostly referring to my own experience. For me, it helped. My main concern is that someone who really needs to reach out for help might read the thread and decide not to, and end up hurting themselves or something.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Amanda, can you say more? I was mostly referring to my own experience. For me, it helped. My main concern is that someone who really needs to reach out for help might read the thread and decide not to, and end up hurting themselves or something.

I think amanda was referring to Jessica86, not you, hon.

FWIW, I talked to a therapist today. The emotions I'm feeling about CD are powerful and hard for me to understand. (Please see any of the whiny, needy threads I start for evidence.) The feelings I get from this are, frankly, BETTER than anything I ever got abusing substances. (Sorry mods - not trying to flout rules - this is the most honest way I can put this.) As a recovering person, that sets of red-alert alarms for me. So I'm talking to someone. I may ultimately look for a therapy group. But in the interim, I want to make sure I don't go off the rails.

I think not everyone experiences the same things, and has the same issues. (I have plenty of issues.) So I can imagine plenty of girls don't need this at all, and there are lots of therapists who likely don't have a clue how to deal with this. So YMMV.

[prene]

For me my therapist is great.

I first wanted to see if I was that off?
I am OK.

I also want a to be able to just try to figure out .. should I(HRT)?
What are the probems? costs? times? good things?

If I started HRT ... should I go thru SRS?

Made me feel better ... so for me ... I am glad I am seeing Sharron (my therapist)

[sometimes_miss]

Therapy, whether with someone else or just learning about yourself on your own, can help you see why you do what you are doing. While that may sound simplistic, there are a whole lot of people here who have no idea of why they crossdress, why they might get sexually excited about doing it, might feel guilty about it, etc.. Not knowing why can lead to self destructive behavior, or even perhaps behavior that may hurt others, either physically or emotionally. But the problem lies in our upbringing; there's so much guilt and shame attached to men enjoying anything feminine that it can lead to potentially suicidal attempts, so for some, it may be worthwhile to seek out another person such as a professional psychologist to help guide you along as you learn more about yourself.

[Amanda M]

I was in fact referring to Jessica86.

[cdsara]

I agree my wife has been making me go to a therapist to fix my( problem, addiction or what ever else she can think of that day.) Maybe it is her that should be seeking help for her problem with me! Other than this issue we have a great relationship. I will admit that I never told her about this side of me for years so I guess that's like lying and she hates that but otherwise I am not hurting anyone. Sara

[PaulaQ]

I agree my wife has been making me go to a therapist to fix my( problem, addiction or what ever else she can think of that day.) Maybe it is her that should be seeking help for her problem with me! Other than this issue we have a great relationship. I will admit that I never told her about this side of me for years so I guess that's like lying and she hates that but otherwise I am not hurting anyone. Sara

You need to own up to the fact that you deceived her for years. I understand - believe you me I understand - that there are likely extenuating circumstances. (Massive shame, denial, social implications, lying to yourself, self defense - it's a long list.) However, at some level, you were dishonest about this. You need to apologize and mean it. I'm not saying you are bad, or you are wrong - but you need to own what you did. I'm sure she feels betrayed. And just because you feel you have a good excuse about why you didn't tell her doesn't make it OK. (Again, I'm not saying this is all on you - but own what you did.)

People get over deception from their partner. Not everyone can, and you need to realize that you have probably badly damaged her trust in you, among other things. It can take time to re-establish that.

From here on out, in my opinion, you need to be as honest as possible, unless she explicitly (or strongly implicitly) tells you - "look, do what you gotta do, but I want no part of this, don't tell me."

[Mystique]

Hmm I think most things in moderation are cool. It's probably equally important to be honest with your S/O though.

The only issue for me is the one Bible passage in Deuteronomy. I'm very spiritual so, it's hard for me to get past that.

Girls wear guy clothes all the freaking time though and no one bats an eyelash. Double standards.

[kimdl93]

You are right...you don't understand. Often, people have problems that they can and often do,resolve through therapy. the fact that you don't understand another persons needs or the value of therapy doesn't matter.

[whowhatwhen]

The only issue for me is the one Bible passage in Deuteronomy. I'm very spiritual so, it's hard for me to get past that.


I'm agnostic so it may not be too much of a help, but what about looking like it this way:
What if God gave you the gift of expression and he/she wants you to be happy?

[Jenni Yumiko]

Hmm I think most things in moderation are cool. It's probably equally important to be honest with your S/O though.

The only issue for me is the one Bible passage in Deuteronomy. I'm very spiritual so, it's hard for me to get past that.

Girls wear guy clothes all the freaking time though and no one bats an eyelash. Double standards.

22:5? I believe that is in reference to joining armies at that time.

[Frédérique]

I don't understand why I or anybody else needs to see a therapist. I don't see my dressing as a problem. As far as I know if you have a problem then go see a therapist but society labels us as I problem so we have to take time out of our lives to be told what we already know. I personally think maybe society has issues and they should go see a therapist.

I share your sentiments, because I ran afoul of therapists years ago. I had a speech defect, so those who thought that I had a "serious" problem sent me to speech therapists. They tried all sorts of therapy, but nothing worked. I did what they suggested, but it made no difference, in fact my “problem” only became more and more highlighted over time. What DID work with me were those rare moments when I was treated like everyone else. If they left me alone, I could deal with my deficiencies, find a way to get around the alleged problem, and carry on...

I came out of it, but I have this lifelong fear and loathing of therapists. They were trying to help, but I learned how to help myself. In my mind there is no problem with crossdressing, so therapy is not welcome – just like with my speech defect, if they would only treat me like everyone else, and dissipate the clouds of fear, we all may bask in the sunshine…
:straightface:

[Stevie]

Mine main problem is I saw a therapist on two serrated occasions for two separate reasons and was mislabeled both times. Those idiots took what I said in confidence and twisted it around. When they weren't doing that they were agreeing with me to make me feel better. They are a bunch of crap. Now with that off my chest I do agree if I was to plan on transitioning I would then seek a therapist. That is a big issue and having a third party listen to you will help in making your final decision. I don't want my bad experiences spoil others that could use the help of one.

[Jenni Yumiko]

It's sad to be misdiagnosed, remember therapist are people also, so shop around until you find one that meets your standards.

[Brynna M]

Therapists are like any other health practitioner. If you have a problem you can't fix on your own you go to the "doctor". If you are comfortable with your life and your dressing and peoples reactions to it then you are correct you don't need therapy. Crossdressers don't need therapy simply for being crossdressers. Some seek therapy to deal with the stigmatization of a society they can't leave and can't change.

I go to therapy (mostly for depression but crossdressing comes up). I have a limited ability to control the world around me so I need to find a good way to respond to that world. I need help to figure out the best way to do that. Not because I am a crossdresser but because I am a person who cant figure it out on their own.

[Anne2345]

Seeking out and obtaining the services of a well-qualified therapist and psychiatrist has been one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I could not get to where I needed to be, and to ultimately acknowledge and accept who and what I really am, without professional assistance. Learning about one's self is no easy thing. Peeling back layer after layer after layer of defense mechanisms, fear, socialization, and so on is no easy task. It's a scary proposition to face the true essence of one's self, regardless of who you may be.

Just looking around and interacting with people on a daily basis, my observation is that most people haven't a clue who they really are. Discovering truths and owning up to the lies takes hard work, effort, time, dedication, and honesty. Too many people are more interested in watching Judge Judy and the Wheel of Fortune than they are in figuring themselves out. IMO, it's a real shame, and tragic that a person can put their lives on cruise control, fail to substantively question themselves and what life is really about, then die. But whatever. People are free to do as they will, I suppose. It's their loss.

In any event, seeking the services of a good professional therapist is no different than seeking out the services of other professionals. If you have a legal issue, you go to an attorney. If you have car problems, you go to an auto mechanic. If you are sick, you go to a doctor. In other words, there are specialty niches for every profession and service. If you feel you need to go to a therapist, do yourself a HUGE favor, and go to a therapist!

[Allison Chaynes]

Great point. I choose to think He gave us intuition to figure out right and wrong for ourselves.