What are your compromises with your spouse?

[Jenni Yumiko]

What I would like to hear is what kind of compromises you and your spouse have made in terms of cross dressing from those who spouses are not the happiest with the arrangement. From underdressing, times, amounts, what you can and cannot wear, etc... Trying to come up with an amicable compromise as to what I can and cannot do in my relationship.

Thanks in advance!

[Krististeph]

You need to better define 'willing participant'. I can look at you question from several different points of view, yet you are telling us you only want one. If you can be a little clearer, you can get some better answers.
(Kristi in the NW subs)

[Jenni Yumiko]

Haha, sorry I was just trying to avoid the self feeding, "my life is..." Replies. All too often I see posts where people ask serious questions only to answered with my spouse does this, my life is better than yours type posts.

My wife and I are trying to come up with a compromise in terms of dressing.
I like to cpletely underdress most of the time (at home) occasionally dress fully sans wig makeup. She doesn't really care to see me dressed in dresses skirts etc.

[Carol A]

Dress all I want at home, no dressing on Sunday, can underdress as I like, and have to stop going out as she afraid someone will know Carol Ann. Sad part about this is I still go out and nobody but nobody knows the difference if I am standing in line or looking at cloths or grocery shopping. I guess after 49 years she just doesn't trust Carol to look her best.

[Laura912]

Will try not to have an anti reaction to your post because you appear to be seeking real help. So, the limitations I have are almost more self imposed than spouse imposed except for going out in our city. She did call once for a ride, and I picked her up while dressed but it was at night and at a venue where no one knew us. On several occasions while at our beach house, I walked out on the deck and enjoyed the ocean breezes (but not in a bathing suit!). She was not comfortable going out to eat there either. Not too sure I would have had the courage. Best wishes for defining your boundaries.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife wants to see her husband more often than Jennifer. So time in girl mode is the number one compromise, but truthfully, I wouldn't want to dress so frequently and this is never an issue. A real compromise is that she will not go out with me locally for fear of recognition. A fear I share as well but would still like to go out. One more thing that I put on myself alone is asking her if she is ok with me dressing before I do. It's really more of a heads up but I think it helps.

[JenniferR771]

I am quiet and shy. My wife wears the pants at our house. Dislkes my cding. After a few years, now she seems to be OK if I dress during the 90 minutes she goes to church and hurries back. And at times, with a bit of wheedling, she allows me to go to support group meetings...if I do not leave the house in drag.
She wants to get a part-time job at a store, but she may not apply, as a job would give me too much time and privacy when I was alone at home. Wants me to promise to not cd while she is gone. I suggested one day per week.
Stay tuned.

[Beverley Sims]

One thing I find with deals from non participating spouses its that they are not flex.......
Sorry My spouse is kind of accepting.
I will go now.

I think you could have worded your reply preferences a little better Jennialy.
There those that have accepting spouses now.... and have overcome the problem.
They are the ones with the most constructive information.
By the way, do not take offense, we only want constructive advice, not a bunfight.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Yeah I agree I may have worded that a little harsh, I'm having a tough time with this and can't seem to come up with something livable with both of us. I also wasn't in the mood for a bunch of, I don't have a problem, my wife dresses me, my life is awesome neener, posts

[JamieG]

Jen, I came out to my wife over 10 years ago, after having been married for one year, and dating for three years prior. It was not easy for either of us. There was a lot of screaming and tears and she had threatened to leave. Once we started talking again, we began to come up with a set of boundaries. I could go out to a TG support group once a month, once a week she would give me some alone time at home to dress, I had to keep my shopping under control, I couldn't go out dressed in public. Over time as both of us have gotten more comfortable with my CDing things have evolved. I have shaved my body a few times (but usually stay hairy because that's what she like), I've been out to TG gatherings in bars and to TG conferences. I've even been out in public (far away from home where I would be recognized) a few times and she's even performed with me in a couple of charity drag shows.

That said, the important thing is that the two of you talk. What works for one couple may not work for another. You need to understand what her biggest concerns are: is it that you'll get hurt, that you'll be recognized and embarrass her, that she won't be attracted to you anymore, etc.? Once you understand her fears, you can propose compromises that address your needs while not going to far outside her comfort zone.

[cathie pantyhose]

for us it was simple, to not dress in front of her or the kids. Although my 13 yr old daughter found a shoe box full of unopened pretty polly thigh highs. I'm a stay at home dad when not consulting so it works out very nicely for me.

[mikiSJ]

After a very heated moment in time where Miki wanted to be more Miki we compromised that I will keep my dressing private from the rest of the family, not go out en femme around the house and only attend group events a couple or three times a month.

My wife is very afraid of me being caught and it becoming an embarrassment for her. I understand her reluctance but I cannot convince her that her bosses at work are not searching the internet looking for pictures of her husband who has never posted with his guy name. She is concerned they may be using facial recognition software - sigh!

So...the compromise!

[deebra]

NOW let's go back and do a history lesson from a lot of members on here including some long time CD's. They will tell you we are born with a need to CD and it will never go away, therefore wouldn't it be very wrong and selfish for a wife or SO to tell the CD they can't dress, what about a person being dominated by another and a person's personal and individual rights to choose underwear or clothing of their choice. Now let's put the shoe on the other foot, is it O.K. for a CD to tell his young, pretty, well built wife she can't wear skimpy, sexy underwear and her outer clothing shoud be very drab, plain and conservative? I think wives should learn to understand this lifetime compulsion and accept underdressing as O.K., after all just the two of them know. Conservative fem outer dressing isn't that bad either since so many of our members do it and they just blend in and aren't even noticed. Proof is I just went to the grocery store underdressed with girl jeans and top and wasn't even noticed, dag-nab-it. Going public in full dress, being outed and bring embarassment to your wife and family is not acceptable, but giving the CD some private time alone at home or a car ride is O.K. I think this is a fair compromise for both. Compromise and acceptance on this post has a lot to do with how much she loves her CD husband and how hardheaded and strongminded and unwilling to compromise she is.

[Stevie]

Right now my compromise is once a month I get to arraigned for everyone to be out of the house for two hours. This is my third month and I findmmyself getting more stressed as the time is approaching. She originally wanted every other month and I fought for a month.

[Gillian Gigs]

The compromises have evolved over the years into an acceptance, that there is only one left. That one is not going out dressed in a noticeable manner, which is something I have never really had the desire to do anyway. I rarely fully dress, so therefore the bits that I do don't bother her at all.

[Karren H]

I don't dress in front of her.... she doesn't suffocate me in my sleep.....

[SAMANN]

I just came out to my wife almost 3 weeks ago and we in that time have gone fromDADT. To I may under dress at home, dress when I feel.safe to.do so e.g. No one at home but me. Where my hose at work and have my toe nails painted. She has agreed that this may change over time (I have indicated I would like to under dress all the time sans bra, she is thinking about it) I agreed not to push the old give him an inch and he takes a mile routine. I can ask for something but have to let her have time to think about it. The one firm rule is when we are in bed Samantha goes to sleep.and her husband is there for her. She has been incredibly open and accepting so I am very grateful she has also changed her mind for the better rather faster than I am comfortable with she is seeming to enjoy it so who knows what the future holds.

[Allison Chaynes]

My compromise is underdressing 24/7 as long as no one else finds out, and right now while I'm out of a job, I get two days a week when the kids are not around to dress as much as I want. Outside of that it's guy mode.

[RADER]

I can under dress all I want. I can dress at home all I want. I do not leave the house dressed,
and I am not to shave off my Mustache or chest hair. She loves to run her fingers through it.
I am not to embarrass her with my under dressing.
Rader

[Danielle Gee]

I can dress pretty much whenever I want, I have assumed many of the roles once considered "Female".....I cook ,keep the house clean , do the laundry and most of the other chores inside the house. My Sweetie has taken over most of the macho stuff, controls the money, and metes out disciplne as needed. I can dress however I please,my spouse always thinks of me as the"Weaker" half of our marriage. All in all we have a very happy marrage!

Danielle

[Stephanie47]

In our DADT marriage I have the opportunity to be en femme for seven hours a day, Monday through Friday, when school is in session. That gives me ample time to basically do what I want. Subconsciously she knows I dress because once in a while I will forget to stow away a garment. Whe you're married for forty plus years you kind of know what limitations one should self impose. I would never consider dressing in front of her because she would find it uncomfortable. I really would not know how to react to 'scheduling' en femme time for two or three hours. I never found that relaxing. It was frustrating and totally defeated the purpose of my being en femme.

[reb.femme]

My wife wants to see her husband more often than Jennifer. So time in girl mode is the number one compromise, but truthfully, I wouldn't want to dress so frequently and this is never an issue. A real compromise is that she will not go out with me locally for fear of recognition. A fear I share as well but would still like to go out. One more thing that I put on myself alone is asking her if she is ok with me dressing before I do. It's really more of a heads up but I think it helps.

I think Jennifer wrote this for me, as this is exactly my situation.

I can dress and go out to my local Trans meets, which Mrs W drives me to as well...woo hoo! So I avail myself of the Vodka and Orange on offer.

Biggest fear is being seen out together by people my wife knows, so my number one concern is protecting my wife from any abuse etc.
Plus I always mention that I will dress that day and I text her if she is at work, so she knows what to expect when she arrives home. It's not required, but a pure courtesy on my part.

Rebecca

[melissakozak]

I have a separate apartment, go out en femme, and keep my male life and female life separate. I specify a time period once per week and that is how it has been for over a year and half now. I am happy, she doesn't have to see me, and if she does, she can, as she has a key to my place, and as clear as this all sounds, it is....and we communicate, communicate and communicate....that is key to how I am working my transgender life...

[SandraInHose]

Our compromise was that she would tolerate me wearing pantyhose only, but she couldn't handle me wearing skirts, heels, dresses...anything other than pantyhose. And even that was difficult for her at first. Of course, for the sake of our marriage I agreed, since pantyhose are the catalyst to my CDing anyway. Without them, I doubt if I'd crossdress much at all, and probably would never have started nearly 4 decades ago.

Ashamed as I am to admit it, I have broken that compromise and dress as much as I can behind her back. I just couldn't NOT dress. I feel terrible sneaking around, because that was one of her biggest problems when she first discovered my dressing...that I had been doing it behind her back. I explained that it was something I'd been doing since I was 13, and it wasn't exactly a subject that could be brought up in casual conversation. Plus over the years I'd closely watched her reaction to any movies or TV shows that had a drag queen or TV/CD in it, and her reaction was basically, "gross".

I think she suspects that I am dressing because she'll sometimes ask me flat out if I am. I can usually deflect the question but I hate not being honest. Makes me wonder sometimes if CDing is really worth the aggravation and stress!

[Jenni Yumiko]

Thanks for the replies! It's a lot to ingest, and I'm still not 100% sure what her "turning point" is. I figure we will discuss it after her session with the Gender therapist.
I consider putting just underdressing out on the table, but I'm not really sure it is a compromise. Part of me wants to say to her this is me deal with it, but that won't go over too well.
I'm also not 100% sure I'm out of the woods with the separation suggestion, as per my story in my signature, but she asked me to sleep in the same bed with her, so I guess that's progress. Bree was so right about the up and down!

[Momarie]

"Sad part about this is I still go out"

More like to hell with what ever she needs or wants...but as long as your needs are met, that's what matters isn't it CAROL A.?

[PaulaQ]

"Sad part about this is I still go out"

More like to hell with what ever she needs or wants...but as long as your needs are met, that's what matters isn't it CAROL A.?

I think the main thing we should learn from this is to not make promises you can't or won't keep. Hopefully a husband and wife can find a point of compromise, and if they can't, well - they can't.

But making a promise you can't keep is the wrong thing to do, in my opinion. Be honest about what you can really do. Try to find middle ground, and if that just isn't possible, then deal with the fallout from that. It won't be pretty, probably, but it will be honest.

And when thinking about this - you need to think honestly about how much you control this - and how much it controls you. Can't speak for everyone, but for me, the pink fog should be a force of nature.

By the way, this entire discussion reminds me of the negotiations between husbands and wives in alcoholic relationships, where one spouse tries to negotiate away the other's problem drinking. That fails about 100% of the time with drunks - and I bet it fails with us too. There are big differences between being a CD and being a drunk. But the sort of seeming implicit selfishness under discussion reminds me very, very much of the way drunks are. Some of us need this - and we aren't going to negotiate it away. (It also isn't apparently going to go away with abstinence either.)

We need to be honest with ourselves, and our SO about what we really can and will do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenn, It's a DA DT as long as my wife don't see it it's ok.

[S. Lisa Smith]

I don't dress in front of her.... she doesn't suffocate me in my sleep.....
I don't dress in front of my wife either...so I guess I'm safe. She goes out Wednesday nights and I dress then as well as Saturday mornings when she is out to breakfast with her friends. I'm allowed to shave my body, she let me pierce my ears. She has purchased things I need. We now joke about it and I go out a fair amount. We coexist quite well...I'm fortunate!!!

[Teri Ray]

Another DADT situation here. Wife knows and understands I will likely dress when she is away. I do not dress when she is around. She is supportive to the extent that she gives me advanced notice when she is planning to be away and keeps me informed when she is coming home. Prolly not as good as a fully accepting wife. But for us it is a fair compromise and I am so happy knowing that my wife knows of my passion and is willing to accomodate me to some extent and more importantly that I keep her love and trust.

[Jenniferathome]

I feel terrible sneaking around, because that was one of her biggest problems when she first discovered my dressing...that I had been doing it behind her back. ...
I think she suspects that I am dressing because she'll sometimes ask me flat out if I am. I can usually deflect the question but I hate not being honest. Makes me wonder sometimes if CDing is really worth the aggravation and stress!

Sandra, how is this going to play out when she unequivocally finds out? You're lying to her, when she asks and you are doing what you promised not to. Yikes! How about talking to her? Ask to redraw the boundaries? You're on a slippery slope.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I get what your saying Paula, do you feel that setting a compromise is unrealistic in general or that if it is addiction like alcoholism?

[Stevie]

I think the main thing we should learn from this is to not make promises you can't or won't keep. Hopefully a husband and wife can find a point of compromise, and if they can't, well - they can't.

But making a promise you can't keep is the wrong thing to do, in my opinion. Be honest about what you can really do. Try to find middle ground, and if that just isn't possible, then deal with the fallout from that. It won't be pretty, probably, but it will be honest.

And when thinking about this - you need to think honestly about how much you control this - and how much it controls you. Can't speak for everyone, but for me, the pink fog should be a force of nature. Some of us need this - and we aren't going to negotiate it away. (It also isn't apparently going to go away with abstinence either.)

We need to be honest with ourselves, and our SO about what we really can and will do.

Well said Paula but easier said than done I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time I feel the need to dress too. In my mind I feel hiding it satisfies my urges and her not knowing doesn't hurt. I rather her know and be acceptive but at the time I know she isn't.

[I Am Paula]

Any marriage is based on respect and fairness. I might have an opinion about things my wife does, but I have no right whatsoever to tell her what she can and can't do.
She, reciprically, has no right to govern my actions. I'm lucky that she has been okay with my decisions, including going full time, but I will say that if she couldn't handle it, she knows where the door is.
To give up, or put unreasonable limitations on something as important as your own identity is ludicrous. Sneaking around, and hiding things in your own house is equally silly...do you really plan on living a lie for the rest of your life? A pitiable situation for sure.
Some girls are going to jump on me 'but what about the kids?' Shouldn't that have been addressed pre-procreation? 'But I really love my wife'. Enough to have a miserable life? What kind of love is that?


Don't you have the right to stand up and say 'this is something I'm going to do....'
There is no one size fits all solution to the acceptance issue, so please girls, remember somebody has to be devil's advocate-Celeste

[PaulaQ]

I get what your saying Paula, do you feel that setting a compromise is unrealistic in general or that if it is addiction like alcoholism?

No, alcoholism is treatable. ;)

This is not really the same thing - putting on garments brings something out from inside you. That's the difference - it's inside you already. But the behaviors both have an element of being compulsive to them, at times, at least for some of us. (It is certainly that way for me - holy cow.)

My observation was just that I've watched alcoholics negotiate with their spouse about their drinking - and it never works because the alcoholic NEEDS that drink. Maybe not today - maybe not tomorrow, but at some point they do. And that NEED makes them break their promise, inevitably.

So this is not self-destructive like that - but the NEED and the negotiation and the broken promises strike me as being pretty similar. We're mostly all here because we need this. You can read a lot of examples in this and other threads. I'm just saying don't make promises you know in your heart you won't keep. You may want to keep the promise. You may have every good intention of keeping it. But be real with yourself, and if you know you can't do it - don't promise it. That's all I'm saying.

I can see how arrangements like "DADT", or "not every night", or I need "X nights with male you" could work for some. This doesn't make you crazy like an addiction, and your SO's feelings matter, and some of us don't need to CD all the time, so you can compromise. But I think negotiating it down to "nothing" or "next to nothing" is pretty obviously doomed. What everybody needs is different, I guess just know what you need, and don't negotiate below that. Try to compromise, but everyone has a bottom line. Know yours. If there's no middle-ground, I'd think it was better to know that up front.

Feel free to take what I'm saying with a whole pile of salt though. After all, I just spent the last half hour lying through my teeth. Also, I am 99.999999% certain that I will eat these words later this year. :)


Well said Paula but easier said than done I love my wife and don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time I feel the need to dress too. In my mind I feel hiding it satisfies my urges and her not knowing doesn't hurt. I rather her know and be acceptive but at the time I know she isn't.

Stevie, damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm so there, and I feel your pain. :( :(

It's a lot easier, in general, to be a totally selfish ******* when you are a drunk. You can drink away your remorse, and if you sober up and start feeling it again - just drink again. It is a lot harder to be unfeeling as a CD I think, although I'm sure the awesome force of the pink fog does a reasonable approximation for some of us.


Any marriage is based on respect and fairness.

It's not fair to marry a man, and have him tell you years later "I actually want to be a girl sometimes." I'm not saying most of us did this on purpose, I think most of us get into these messes with a pretty hefty load of self deception. All most spouses are asking for is what they thought they agreed to in the first place. Many of us are changing the implicit deal we made in our marriage, and we shouldn't lose sight of that. From the wife's perspective, her demands are totally reasonable. (Feel free to pronoun swap that based on your situation. I tried to make it neutral, and couldn't understand what I wrote...)

That said, when I do tell my wife, I intend to remind her gently that I've always encouraged her to try different things in her life, career, everything - I've always encouraged her, so I'd like the same opportunity for this - it's the only thing I've ever asked for. Oh boy - is that dog not going to hunt, or what?

[Brynna M]

I hope I don't hijack this thread... but ... how do you deal with DADT. It is a compromise but it seems like a time bomb (one I happen to be living in) on day she will see the "don't tell" part and have to deal with it. Its a stop gap at best.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

My situation is a little strange. My wife accepts and even has said she enjoys when I shave my legs and wear thigh highs or pantyhose. She loves the smooth legs under the covers, and it has brought spice back to our marriage. She says that is kinky and sensual. Surprisingly she purchased a silk dressing gown and some stockings for me shortly after I came out to her.

When I came out, I told her very specifically that my fetish...fantasy...need...whatever it is I have inside me, involved not just hose but stiletto heels and skirts/dresses. She seemed OK with that at the time but the first time she saw my legs in hose, heels, and the dressing gown (I had not yet acquired any skirts or dresses) I think it freaked her out. Maybe my legs looked more feminine than she thought they would. She said she didn't want to see me in heels anymore, though she knew full well I had purchased some and was OK with me wearing them when I was alone traveling.

A few weeks later I tested the waters when we were clothes shopping for her. She was looking at bandage skirts and I looked for an XL, telling her I wanted one for myself. That went over like a lead balloon. We had a big talk that night and she said if I wanted skirts, dresses, or anything else, she absolutely did not want to see me in them, would not go shopping with me, etc. I told her I would respect her wishes, but that I intended to buy some things. A few days after that she asked what I was doing on the computer, and I told her I was buying some "things" for my hobby. She just stood there, kind of surprised. I asked if she wanted to see, but she declined.

It's been pretty much DADT since then. But sometimes she seems far more tolerant. We went to some formal dinners and she surprised me by asking me if I would underdress with matching hose (asking in a way that was clear that she wanted me to do so), probably because we are always very affectionate when I am underdressed. For some reason I feel very close to her when we are wearing matching brands and shades of hose--her openly, and I in secret--and I think she has come to appreciate an attentive, more loving husband. That's been an offshoot of my dressing. On those same nights she seemed OK with some "shoe play", where we had impromptu "leg contests", seeing whose legs looked better in heels. She was completely OK with me wearing heels for a few minutes, and even let me take pics.

But I have never worn a skirt or dress in front of her. I own several of each by now, and some shoes and boots she hasn't seen. I've ordered some foundation garments, and can't wait to try them under the skirts and dresses, though right now I wouldn't dream of wearing them in front of her. But who knows? The other night she hinted that she wanted to know what else I purchased, but then reconsidered. I told her I would be happy to share whenever she was ready. Today a Macy's Spring shoe catalog came. We looked together and she laughed genuinely when I told her I wouldn't wear a style she liked, but that I'd be happy to buy it for her...

It's only been 3 months. I'm trying to take it slow. Maybe the more time passes, the more she will understand this is a relatively harmless hobby, and she is not going to lose her husband. I'd love one day to dress up completely--with her help--but that day may never come. Time will tell.

[SarahBJackson]

I'm out with my wife. She says that I can go out, which is great. I'm outreaching with my local LBGT community, attending my CD/TG support group, and looking into conventions. The only rule I have is to not bring home an STD!

[MissTee]

Not sure how this counts with your question, but here goes. My wife is very accepting, yet we have rules we both see eye to eye on:
- No dressing in front of the kids. Matter of fact, we both strongly agree not to let them know.
- No public outings in our home town where I could be recognized.
- No on line pictures of Misty. Big brother could be watching. (neither one of us trust social media with a secret.)
- Share the clothing budget equally.

That's it.

[Barbara Ella]

As related previously, my wife went through a period of full acceptance and participation, and for several months i could dress fully in front of her, and we shopped for items together. She could not take that, and now, although fully supporting me intelectually, and knowing i will be advancing, she will not see me dressed. I can underdress to my heart's desire, sans bra/forms. I can fully dress whenever she is out, which is two afternoon/evenings a week. For her peace of mind, we agree i will not go out in our town. I will not leave the house and drive through the neighborhood dressed. I can get a motel room in another town, dress, and go out there to my heart's content. As her libido has left the building years ago (I am 66 remember) I am relatively free to do anything physically that will be covered. This is still new to both of us (started 18 months ago, out to her 15 months ago) so we are working through it all,and discuss each other's happiness/feelings about how boundaries are working.

Barbara

[Kathy4ever]

My wife I have good agreement. We just end up playing differently. She goes out so I can play and practice. When we first made the agreement it was she didn't want to see it or really hear about it. Lately she has supported me going out and encouraging me. She didn't want me to be in bed with nighties but now let's me wear them when she has gone out. We have shopped at the same time at goodwill and I ended up spending 4 times as much as her . Jokingly said i saw a wedding dress that I could wear for our anniversary. She didn't make a face only asked how much. I didn't check it that much so I didn't know the price. We have discussed heels and sandals. She even laced uped my corsette when I first got it. She will ask whiat I am going to wear that night. She even wrote a profile on another site for me. The other day she said I should post a certain pic as my profile instead of another. I am still hesitant about certtain things around her but progress is being made by both of us everyday. Last night she went out and about 5 minutes before she got home she text saying she is on her way. I'm thinking i got 15 minutes or more time and she walks in and I'm the compter with night gown and satin robe and high heels. I feel bad say that was quick and she she says thats okay. She was okay with me dressed but went into the other room to her computer. It is working for us so far.

[kimdl93]

There are some parts of our public lives where this part of me is hidden...as from her co workers. And in our private lives some family members know, and others do not.

[JohnH]

I can wear anything around the house and even go out dressed when I take the trash out after dark. I have breasts so I wear an plain underwire bra but I still wear men's Hanes briefs. To tell the truth I wear men's clothing most of the time around the house in the winter months. This is in spite of my being on M2F HRT. I do not have a separate "personality" - I'm always John.

John

[Danielle_cder]

well, I wear panties every day, can attach my breasts and wear them as long as i want, wear my hips when ever, pretty much do everything...except wear my wig/make up in front of my wife.