feeling trapped and doomed

[GabbiSophia]

Reflecting on the past has made me very aware of all the dressing and wishing to be a girl or woman I have done over the years. I did it always in private and always thought it was some kinda of perverted game I liked. I never actually thought that I was a woman in a man's body. Until I unlocked something....someone saiid they.like to call it pandoras box cause it linked it to being bad....well Ii think it is bad I feel like I am caught onva damn freight train that can't be stopped. I thought it was something else now I pray for it to be something else ..anything else. I keep waiting for someone tobpost ..I did it I beat GD and went on with my life. The fact is that ain't going to happen. I feel like my future is written and its no longer my choice. I wonder if the everyday mental fight gets so old that's why people break. Dang I find myself wishing i was just a cd. Turns out life sometimes ain't so funny. I will fight with all I got but I feel like I am going to regret that too. For not just pushing along. In a wired place right now for sure.

[Kate Simmons]

Regardless of what else you do, you have to be true to yourself my friend. The worse person that has to end up living with us is we, ourselves.:)

[stefan37]

I felt the same way. I was starting to express myself and I felt it escalating. I felt I was on a runaway train with no end in sight. Long story short events rose to a head and I sought gender therapy. It got to the point I got tired of fighting myself. It was taking way too much energy and I was experiencing severe anxiety. After several sessions I started to seriously look at transition as an option. I proceeded to schedule electrolysis and eventually started HRT. My anxiety melted away and I began to feel at peace with myself. I have made some difficult choices and most have changed the dynamics of my marriage. We are still not sure what our futures will be as we are still navigating through this dilemma. I can not and will not deny the positive events I have experienced so far. Again it comes down to your own personal resolve and motivation. Can you deny yourself and live comfortably. Only you can make that determination. To proceed forward will result in very difficult choices and one can not predict how it will shake out. Schedule electrolysis and try some small patches to start. Facial hair removal is expensive, tedious and takes a long time. It is also the easiest way I feel to become more comfortable and is easy to start. I would caution you to vet the technicians thoroughly and their process as the wrong techcan seriously damage your skin. This condition will not go away and in my experience only gets worse the longer we suppress it.

[outhiking]

Maybe you have to think of this as a wave on a beach. If you fight it, it will only exhaust you, but you may be able to learn how to surf it. Good luck to you on your journey.

[melissaK]

Sweetie, you didn't say anything crazy wrong. Sounds like a place where I was not too long ago.

Just know you hold the keys to your closet door. You can step out when you want.

And when you get out and experience freedom to change, you might find the full RLE, hormones, SRS path isn't the only path, =:-o It's true. There are other options, and SRS might not be your path. But it's a journey of self discovery you can't really begin still inside the closet.

Maybe you can sell the idea of starting the journey to yourself (you have self acceptance issues to deal with) and to your SO if you don't decide the ultimate destination yet. I can't recall (sorry) if you have grown your hair out, pierced your ears, bought adrogynous clothes or a few crossgender clothes, etc. They could all be the steps you abd you SO decide will begin your journey. (If I recall CDing is fighting words with your SO).

Regardless, hang in there Sweetie. You'll find your path. :)

[traci_k]

Steph, Last post took too long and I got timed out so I'll keep it short. Take it slow and be true to yourself. Some of it may seem selfish but sometimes you've got to take care of you. The pain and discord is real as I can attest to. Because the way I structured my life, I could probably never transition even if I decided that was the path to choose. Many of us wish we could make the discord go away. We can't. The key is to accept you for you and find out how to balance the various aspects of your makeup. The key- take is slow.

I wish I could really reach out and give you a hug. Many of us know how you feel.
Yes - Hang in there!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

this is happening to you because it is what it is...you are learning that not all things are in your control all the time, and that words really don't mean much against gender dysphoria...it sucks..

you can't be right for your loved ones without being right with yourself...gender dypshoria can rob you of logical thought......

you mention pandoras box...many people don't know that the story has a happy ending.. after all the evils of the world come up, at the bottom of pandoras box was something that can best be described as hope...look it up

[KellyJameson]

You are not trapped or doomed it just feels that way.

If you have GD than you have always had it since the first years of life so you have been living with it all your life.

The nature of the suffering has changed because now you have named it but the suffering was always there so in essence you have brought it to the forefront of your conscious mind and it is this conscious awareness that is making you feel trapped but you have always been trapped, you just did not know it but still you have been reacting to it in some manner.

GD in my opinion shows itself in a certain compulsive behavior as the mind searches for answers to the question of "what is wrong with me ?" or "why am I different from others ?" or "what am I ?" or some version therein.

Many people try to fix themselves by doing masculine things to kill the person on the inside which is trying to kill the expression of identity as self.

You are now confronted with the task of managing the burden of knowledge that you now hold.

Think about how we live with many terrible experiences as memories of those events. Many people suffer from PTSD or OCD because of trauma and in my opinion GD is traumatic so besides any changes you make you also want to manage your mental health as if you have survived a trauma.

What helps in my opinion is loving acceptance of "what you are" which is female.

Really embrace this female self because more than likely you have been hating her most of your life, so hating yourself.

GD in my opinion equals rejection of self until it is recognized as GD and than there is a frantic search for that person who you have been rejecting.

It is like a pendulum that swings from one extreme as repression to its opposite as expression.

As much as GD is about changing the outside it is also about healing the inside from the trauma that the experience has caused

Work on any self esteem or confidence issues you have. Read about managing OCD because in my opinion we become vulnerable to it with the knowledge of GD, much like a horse runs for the barn to escape the rider.

Your overall health is vital to manage so if you have addictions, weight problems, poor exercise regimen or diet these are areas you want to focus on along with any planned changes you make with HRT, hair removal, surgery, ect..

Depression and anxiety are another area you want to be on guard for because they often accompany GD. The best thing for depression and anxiety is diet and exercise in my opinion but do not be adverse to prescibed medications if your circumstances are desperate.

Your suffering will be dramatically reduced by taking a proactive approach. You cannot affort to be passive about GD.

You also do not want to isolate yourself and I strongly urge you to form friendships with others who are on the TG spectrum or supportive of those who are TG/TS

GD is not a death sentence but simply naming that which has been making you unhappy for most of your life and so now doing something about this unhappiness.

Self awareness always comes with the cost of pain, that is why people avoid doing it, but ignorance is really not bliss but only a life unlived.

[melissaK]

Gosh Kelly. That was beautifully said. It rang true with me.

[GabbiSophia]

Maybe you can sell the idea of starting the journey to yourself (you have self acceptance issues to deal with) and to your SO if you don't decide the ultimate destination yet. I can't recall (sorry) if you have grown your hair out, pierced your ears, bought adrogynous clothes or a few crossgender clothes, etc. They could all be the steps you abd you SO decide will begin your journey. (If I recall CDing is fighting words with your SO).

Regardless, hang in there Sweetie. You'll find your path. :)

Melissa the acceptence issue is more that I don't ant to change my life as it is now. Even if I accept that I am female that doesn't mean I want to change my life as I am very happy at this moment other than dealing with this ..garbage of GD or whatever that it is that is in my mind 24/7. My SO and I have a very open talking relationship and CD is out around her but that if I need to underdress or whatever at work she is ok with that.. nothing visual.. problem is that underdressing makes the situation worse as it frustrates me to hide. Visious cycle this stuff is. She says if I need 30 min a day to dress then do it but again same cycle as underdressing. So no hair no pierced ears ... the craziest thing is .. that truelly I could care less in my everyday life about dressing... its this deep down feeling that I need to dress and be that drives me crazy it comes from somewhere deep and almost feels like a second person wanting it. the biggiest issue is that I really don't want to do any of this cause I love being the father of my children and will not except someone else doing that job.


You are not trapped or doomed it just feels that way.

If you have GD than you have always had it since the first years of life so you have been living with it all your life.

The nature of the suffering has changed because now you have named it but the suffering was always there so in essence you have brought it to the forefront of your conscious mind and it is this conscious awareness that is making you feel trapped but you have always been trapped, you just did not know it but still you have been reacting to it in some manner.

GD in my opinion shows itself in a certain compulsive behavior as the mind searches for answers to the question of "what is wrong with me ?" or "why am I different from others ?" or "what am I ?" or some version therein.


Your overall health is vital to manage so if you have addictions, weight problems, poor exercise regimen or diet these are areas you want to focus on along with any planned changes you make with HRT, hair removal, surgery, ect..





Self awareness always comes with the cost of pain, that is why people avoid doing it, but ignorance is really not bliss but only a life unlived.

Kelly the diet and wieght gain thing rings true as I have started eating everything when I have anxiety. I am trying to learn to do meditation and other things the therapist has said but eating seems to be a big deal .. well that and drinking cause it makes it go away for a bit... but I do not want to gain my wieght back or become a drunk so I am keeping those in check .. atm..

The mind looking for answers part drives me insane ... why can't it just be happy being different??!! lol ..though you are correct the nature of all this has changed ever sense I was able to but a name to it. What I thought once was a private goofy side of me that I liked to do alone for some crazy reason has grown legs and trapped me in a box... and I hate being in a box.. Mirrors and reflections are the biggest issue atm as I hate seeing my reflection not because I see a guy ... its because my mind makes me see a female in guys clothes. My mind fills in all the blanks of what it thinks should be there. All I know this stuff is tiring on the mind and mixed with the mental and physical world of work it makes me super tired at home. everone says embrace it and that its not a death sentence but really it is ... for my life as I know it and the male me that really I do like.

[GabbiSophia]

Someone said It does go beyond making up your mind on logical and factual grounds, doesn't it

boy does it and that makes no sense to me at all!!!!

[Beth-Lock]

boy does it and that makes no sense to me at all!!!!

Who said we are completely rational beings? I guess those psychologists who said that our reasoning is an overlay on top of an inner, deep and emotional life, may just have been right. The existentialists then added that commitment is the missing ingredient in those sort of explanations of how we are irrational in many ways.

But then you don't necessarily need my philosophical thinking right now, but I certainly feel for you. So many CD and TS folk do go through hell over this, and most seem to make it, one way or another.

[stefan37]

Steph,

You can not do things the same everyday 24/7 and expect anything to change. To effect change you have to do at least 1 thing differently. You need some kind of outward appearance change to hepl your mind mitigate the inner need. I think you are realizing that this will not go away. Underdressing just never worked in any form for me so I did not do it. but I did start to change my outward appearance some and it helped prolong the need to transiition for about 3 years. This condition we suffer from absolutely sucks when it manifests at a later point in our lives and in my case just as the kids are gone and my wife and I were starting to settle into a routine with just us. Well those plans are out the window. i do not advocate you consider transitioning at this point, but you do need to allow yourself some kind of external self expression and I think in your heart you know it will only get worse. The longer you continue to deny yourself the worse it will become. I also think deep down you think it is more than just the clothes. If you were able to dress 24/7 would you be cured or healed? You know it is much deeper than just wearing different threads. Ask yourself the tough questions and forget about all external influences. Forget about your wife, job, children and that if they were not in the picture what would you want or even better if you came back to this board 5 years later without the external influences how would you want to be. Then you bring those external influences back into the picture and devise a plan to incorporate you and them. Hopefully you can resolve and mitigate your gd to some extent to allow you to function.

Mitigating your condition with drugs and alcohol is absolutely the worst way to deal with it. When you come down or sober up all those issues are still on the table and you made no effort to solve them. I have been there and medicated myself and ended up being of no help to anyone. I was physically present but mentally checked out. The recession hit hard and I almost lost everything. I was no use to any of my family and my wife even made a comment that she was considering leaving me, I was unaware how bad it deteriorated. Please do not go down that path. But you know Steph, you have the key to unlock your most basic inner being. You just need to communicate with your wife and turn the lock. Only your actions will allow you to mitigate your gd and start to function without the 24/7 ramblings in your head.

These decisions we must make to heal ourselves are not easy. They involve lots of soul searching, discussion with our loved ones, mental pain for our losses and in the end the hope of finding inner peace even though we may not necessarily be any happier.

[GabbiSophia]

Stefan I do appreciate what you are saying and what you say in my opinion is just one way. I really appreciate that you found a way to help yourself that is thw best thing. I do not want to dismiss what you said but thw fact is I don't want to change my appearence. The reality of it is I do have kida and a wife ad I love being daddy. Living with feelings of what ifs is something I try never to do because they are not real. I hear everyone saying I have do things to express the female but I want to express the male without thw headaches

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i thnk what some of us are expressing steph is that in our experience, feeling trapped and doomed is the most common expression of gender dysphoria..

your choices are to feel trapped and doomed forever, or start approaching the idea of being transsexual as a medical condition that must be dealt with (So you don't feel trapped and doomed)...stephan is just saying here is my story...she is a bit further down the life path that's all..

in fact, many of us have been there...neither option seemed palatable... some of us ended up fighting for years, and others are still fighting... as a group those of us that transitioned ALL got rid of that horrible feeling, and what's more , a good number of us kept our lives together...i am still my kids dad... my daughter wrote a college essay on me that got her into an ivy league college and is being used there now as an example for a class.!!!!

people are identifying the risk of not making life changes because so many of us have seen it... my therapy group had a go slow club...people with 5, 10, 20!!! yrs of therapy ....on and off HRT...various levels of feminine expression... every single one of them is divorced and its an even split between those that are estranged from children and not.

.... you need to know this... i'd rather you hear this now so you can muster your inner strength and go for the best outcome for you and your family...

btw in the group that transiitoned a couple of marraiges are still together...and its split equally between those that are estranged from kids...

you are the only father your kids can have...they would not exist without you...your love for them will never waver and they are well served for it...but you are who you are, and it was NEVER ANY DIFFERENT...i want you to take care of them ...and the more REAL LIFE info you have, the better you can take care of them...my info may be distressing, but blinders will not help, and i am rooting for you and them to get to a good place

[melissaK]

Boy Steph. You are putting up the fight. Everyone's suggestions aren't good enough, they aren't acceptable. You reject them all.

And where are you? Miserable.

Gotta quote Kaitlyn here:
your choices are to feel trapped and doomed forever, or start approaching the idea of being transsexual as a medical condition that must be dealt with (So you don't feel trapped and doomed)

Kaitlyn was transitioned way ahead of me. She's seem my whiney posts here for years about how miserable I was and how I didn't WANT to transition. Somewhere I have a post about how I HAVE to transition. It took me FOREVER to give in and find the courage to deal with my condition and begin to lead my life "my way." (Shhh, Do I hear Frank? Shhhh, yes - its Frank! http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5fj9z_frank-sinatra-my-way-live-at-the-ro_music#.UTdqQRzq0pg ).

And maybe Steph you can do this: go buy Kate Bornstein's "My Gender Workbook." It might help you find some peace of mind. It doesn't MAKE you transition. Its not about how to become a woman on the other side of the gender binary. It helps you find yourself when you have gender issues.

[GabbiSophia]

Yes you are correct I am fighting. One thing I have come to understand about myself from this is how much of a fighter I am. Let me apologize first though as I agree with the options given so far. I just don't give in to the normal way. I want all optionsto be given. Yall say it is a medical condition. Ok then its Luke cancer. Treat it or die ( harsh but it seems to fit) well everyone says that chemo is the only way. I am in the camp that says there are other ways ...because I have seen it first hand. People always say 2+2#4 but in science 2+2#5 sometimes. (No equal sign on my phone) I get that the final try to deal with my GD is to transition but I will try anything else first. Hell life being a journey might as well do it differently. The dealing with this helps to hear and read others exp so I can start to understand the road ahead. Everyone is different and in a different place.

Let me ask this ..something I can't get past... Even when you transition you are still a former male or a ts for life. How have yall gotten past this? Even in presenting female the back of the mind knows your different. That baffles me.

[Rianna Humble]

Since I have never been a male, I cannot relate to your question.

To be honest, it looks more to me like yet one more roadblock that you are trying to put in the way of the advice that everyone is offering you.

You are under no obligation from us to transition. In fact if you find a way to mitigate your dysphoria to the extent that you can pretend to be male for the rest of your life then we will be amongst the first to cheer you on, but the chances are that either the rest of your life will be very short, or you will eventually conclude that your solution has become untenable.

That's OK, you don't have to believe our collective experience. You can become the exception that proves the rule.

[Beth-Lock]

Maybe you don't hear about them on this forum because people who follow them are not here to the extent of having the right to post. Maybe they read what is here anonymously. Scientists would never accept a survey or poll of the people on this site as being valid, because it has not been the result of a random selection. So what is here is not hard science.

You might also check the CD section, and try and see how many CD's are happy enough to stay CD's.

So, nobody TS knows for sure that their way is the right way, at least not scientifically. Anyone reading this TS section should keep that at the back of their mind.

[GabbiSophia]

Rianna fair enough but I ment xx. Time will tell I guess.

Beth yeah I agree even though I feel I know the end result hence the title but fight on I will. I said it once before but this sucks.

[Rianna Humble]

You might also check the CD section, and try and see how many CD's are happy enough to stay CD's.

I think that all of the regular TS posters that I have come to know through these forums are quite happy for cross-dressers to stay CD's but even though we are by definition a self-selecting audience, we all have experience of the differences between being a cross-dresser and being transsexual.

I have often advised people not to transition unless they need to do so and I certainly wouldn't encourage a cross-dresser to go down the road of transition - therein lies disaster.

Incidentally, I disagree with your suggestion that our experience has no scientific validity. Any scientist who wants to study the effects of Gender Dysphoria would need to select a population such as ours rather than a random selection of individuals who may or may not have the medical condition.

[arbon]

Let me ask this ..something I can't get past... Even when you transition you are still a former male or a ts for life. How have yall gotten past this? Even in presenting female the back of the mind knows your different. That baffles me.

I have 40 years of living as a male its not something I can pretend did not happen, that I can pretend was not really me. I do still feel "different", its hard not to when you still have a penis and live in a community where it seems like everyone knows your trans. But, like tonight I am going to my womens group, they accept me and they don't question me being there even though I am a little different, I know it and they all know it. The thing is I don't feel "trapped" into the male life anymore, I'm able to be me and I am generally accepted as I am. Today I can identify as a woman, not as a man I hated being.

[stefan37]

Again we can only point out our experiences and how we mitigated gd. You alone are responsible for making or not making the choice to mitigate your own gd. You can think this issue to death and if you make no changes you can expect no different results. To experience even 1 change you have to change 1 thing. For years I had pierced ears, wore colored nail polish and had a pontytail, yet no one, not my clients, my family , friends, or wife thought me less of a man. and even today after 8 months of hrt and my altered mind from the hrt, I still do what is required of me in my life. There are many things you can do to help alleviate your discomfort without acting or appearing less manly than you already are yet just changing 1 item may help you become more comfortable. And I have run my own electrical, mechanical contracting firm for the past 30 years so those physical changes were done and I interact daily in a very male dominated centric environment.

[GabbiSophia]

Arbon I am glad you have found happinthanx for the reply Arbon. Ivan really happy that you have found your place and that is a great thing imo. I really don't get the hate my male self but mine ias different. Sometimes it feels like I don't fit onto this group either. Maybe just maybe I fall in the great divide my only issue is everytime I ask myself what I need its always transition. Of course what do I know !!

[Jorja]

You are the only one that knows what you need. Do what you feel is best for you.

[Emily_Safford]

I wanted to reply to the first post with so many things...but after reading the replies, everything I wanted to say was said. Thanks Melissa and Kelly for those initial posts...so much truth there for me atleast.

I know the feeling of being trapped, misunderstood and doomed...to the point of crying on the couch and shouting "why me" at times. but you only get one life to go forward with, and you do what you can. talk to someone, write about it...just keep searching until you get that moment of zen; then put on something special and work it.

*hugs* you're not alone.

Emi ~.^

[stefan37]

You are correct Steph that this condition sucks and any decisions you make carry consequences and pain whichever ones you choose. You can only look deepwithin you to figure out where you want to be. Transition is not the only option, but one you feel is necessary because you have not explored any alternative methods to help.alleviate your symptoms. Electrolysis or laser hair removal while expensive and time consuming and permanent may be all that us needed. Try a couple sessions and see if it makes any difference. When i completed my first session and she only cleared an inch x inch section. I felt a calmness engulf me and I wanted more. Certainly a little clearing on your upper cheeks would not be terribly expensive or noticeable and may help you find solution without having to consider transition.

You should not feel that you do not belong here because you are fighting your inner demons. Most of us go through the same thing you are going through now. Your path may be to remain as you are for the sake of your family and continue to constantly, think what if and suffer. Your path may be to explore self expression and find a home in the middle. Or your path may be to transition to some extent. But only you can make that choice and whatever you do decide, take responsibly and it will be just as; valid a choice as any of the choices we have made.