getting ready for the big talk

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well i posted before and my wife and i have agreed to separate..very sad i have 2 kids and i can't express how sad i am about it...
the thing is we have been so nice to each other and i still have hope to change her mind..

today i told her we need to talk and i basically hope i can compassionately tell her how much i disagree with her thinking process on our marriage issues. and i'm starting to think that it boils down to the crossdressing as the straw on the camels back so to speak..

i really dont hold out RATIONAL hope, just IRRATIONAL hope...and i know if we fight and its messy i'm going to get screwed in any legal battle because if its a fight over the kids you know what's going to be part of the divorce papers...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[JennyCD]

I'm so sorry for your marital problems. It's so sad when a family suffers a breakage. It would be so good if the two of you could find a way to keep the family together.

I have nothing to say to advise or help you, I can only offer you my sincere wishes that you find a way to work things out for yourselves.

I'd give you both a huge hug if I could.

[susandrea]

Me too.

[Kierci]

I'm with ya girl Susan where in NH are you?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

thnx all..

hey i know there is no magic bullet! shot thru the heart and you're to blame kind of thing...

i've got problems..and i know we all have problems..i'm just spilling my guts here because unless you crossdress or want to crossdress you just can't understand..

the ironic thing is that we are honestly a great couple with much in common and much love and generosity of spirit...the crossdressing got in the way..i didnt realize i couldnt stop it its a PART OF ME FOREVER!!!!! right now i'm facing losing the family because of it..on the bright side i think to myself that on my own i can indulge my crossdressing

somehow that's not making me feel any better

so thnx for the support..i know marla and tammy and many others are going through this type of crap right now too...i know dana and amy have already paid a price...and i know many of you lurking are secretly trying to figure out what to do..

the only thing i can say is good luck and try to be true to yourself...that's what i need to do from here on out and see where it leads

[Julia Cross]

Hi Michele,

There is not much any of us can tell you to actually help. It is a decision controlled by the 2 of you. If she is not prepared to share this part of you with her life, that is as much her right as it is your right to dress. You have to respect this, it is very hard but we are all individuals and entitled to live our lives as we see fit.

I speak from first hand experience as my marriage fell apart for exactly the same reasons. We still care about each other but marriage was not in the cards anymore. She had her needs and I mine and they simply were not compatible.

One last thing, it may feel really painful for you at the moment but time really does heal the pain and you will move on and hopefully will learn from this experience and turn it into a positive and much more happiness as I have with my new love.

Julia

[susandrea]

thnx all..

hey i know there is no magic bullet! shot thru the heart and you're to blame kind of thing...

i've got problems..and i know we all have problems..i'm just spilling my guts here because unless you crossdress or want to crossdress you just can't understand..

the ironic thing is that we are honestly a great couple with much in common and much love and generosity of spirit...the crossdressing got in the way..i didnt realize i couldnt stop it its a PART OF ME FOREVER!!!!! right now i'm facing losing the family because of it..on the bright side i think to myself that on my own i can indulge my crossdressing

somehow that's not making me feel any better

so thnx for the support..i know marla and tammy and many others are going through this type of crap right now too...i know dana and amy have already paid a price...and i know many of you lurking are secretly trying to figure out what to do..

the only thing i can say is good luck and try to be true to yourself...that's what i need to do from here on out and see where it leads


Try reading this:

http://www.peaceandhealing.com/marriage/communication.asp

And this one:

http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/dmtalk.html

and look at several others. Google "Communication in Marriage" for loads of ideas and approaches.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Jenny1]

I'm sure it will be part of the divorce papers and that is such a shame. Expressing your feminine side only makes you a better parent, as it brings out the softer you.
I hope the talk brings some sort of progress.
Love and hugs Jenny

[paulaN]

you seem to have the right attitude. but it is going to be a sad time in your life. I feel sorry for you. your wife is the one that will be missing out. keep on girlen.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Michele

I'm so sorry about all of this, I wish there was something I could say that would help. I've been through the divorce wars more than once, so I know it isn't pretty. I just hope your kids don't get dragged into it.

GypsyKaren

[Abby Lauren]

Oh Michele. I am heartbroken for you. Did you try a competent couples' therapist? Especially someone knowledeable about TGism? There seem to be many aspects of your marriage that appear salvageable. Is she adamant about proceeding? What are her issues with you- if you are comfortable sharing them (even privately)? Was she unhappy about other matters as well? Is she leaving the door even slightly ajar for you?
Please count on us for support.

[Sarahgurl371]

Michele,
I know the feeling, the IRRATIONAL HOPE. It comes from loving someone despite the fact the you very well may not be compatible as husband and wife. I have been thru the emotional gamut as well.

I think I it really sucks we can't work this out. I think, OK, I will be OK. I think, gee, I will be free to be MYSELF. I think, I can't believe this is where I / we are at after 15 years together. I think, why can't you just love me? I think, do I really need her to accept me? I think, do I really need this to be a part of my life? I think, that she will be better off. I think, one more try. I think it will never work. I think, I am who I am, and need to be loved as such. I think, what am I crazy, no woman /especially her, could love me.

Today I think, I am so very sorry for you and yours. As I know what it is like. And it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. God Bless.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

well thnx everyone for support...you all know it helps ---doesnt solve the problem but it helps..

i especially relate to tammy's post about this terrible vicious circle of hope/doubt/guilt/peace/hope/doubt etc. etc..

we talked for a long time..

i would say this...bottom line. she absolutely hates the fact that her husband crossdresses..we joked around a little bit (she gave me an add for Torrid-plus size shop this morning--i told her i looked better than her)...she kinda laughed.. but it really bothers her i can tell..i told her i respected her emotion on this and she is coming off the line of all year which is how i lied to her..

her bottom line is that she still doesnt know ..she says she feels sorry for me and it makes her angry that she feels that way, and that she's not feeling "in love" anymore and is not sure what to do..this hasnt changed all yr

so we are back to separating to give her time and space to think...of course we have two kids so this is big big deal...

after talking i have to say i overall am doing a little better because i made my feelings clear and i am getting closer to the point of view that i am who i am and if she can't deal with that then i must move on

one realistic fear i have is that on my own i have no idea how far i may go
we've debated addiction or not...its certainly a compulsion..i couldnt stop doing it no matter how bad i wanted to and i am afraid of what i might shave, where i might go etc...

i'm really living day by day right now and its real tough

[PaulaJeanette]

Michele,

I don't believe separation "to spend time alone" will lead to the outcome you seek. Yes, time will heal the hurts but it also has the benefit of allowing both of you to see things differently. What you describe as the two of you together...as a couple...and, most importantly, as a family...is definitely worth the enourmous effort to MAKE the marriage work. It WILL require compromises by both you and your wife: you mindful of her not accepting and her acknowledging your crossdressing.

Besides the benefit of time, being together will keep you in touch with one another and thereby continue...to be considerate, to be loving, to be respectful, and to watch-over jointly the growth of your children. Set a goal to enable the presence of Michele a "turn" in your marriage rather than an "end".

All to many negatives come from living separate and apart. Stay together because I believe deep down inside both of you that is what each wants. Stay together to make tolerance and acceptance an essential element for your marriage.

Good luck!

PaulaJeanette

[Sarahgurl371]

Michele,

Besides the benefit of time, being together will keep you in touch with one another and thereby continue...to be considerate, to be loving, to be respectful, and to watch-over jointly the growth of your children. Set a goal to enable the presence of Michele a "turn" in your marriage rather than an "end".

All to many negatives come from living separate and apart. Stay together because I believe deep down inside both of you that is what each wants. Stay together to make tolerance and acceptance an essential element for your marriage.

Good luck!

PaulaJeanette

Paula, While I certainlly understand your post, Do you think that sometimes a little time apart can make the heart grow fonder? It seems, at least in my situation, that we cannot see the forest thru the trees. It seems that we keep on bringing up the bad stuff despite our intentions to heal the wounds nad get back to a loving relationship.

I have oftern thought recently that a little time apart might make us both remember and feel the love we have for each other. It might help us see whats important. And if we are not meant to be, it may give us the opportunity to get away and decide that WE could be happier apart.

I Have never been a proponent of divorce when times get tough. I have always listens to friends when thier marraige is in trouble, and always advised to stay together. I really hate to see people seperate. But sometimes, its the right thing. Just a thought!

[MsEva]

So terribly sorry for the empass you are in. My dear wife found out about my fem side ten years ago this past November. There were some tough time at first. Lots of tears by the both of us. I opened up to her, told her of my early years, how I started, the sexual abuse, and all. In a way it may us closer, yet we still have some problems to deal with. There was initial talk of divorce. But that abated. I guess she does feel my pain to some extent. After disclosure, she said that a lot of loose ends sort of make sense. Fortunately she loves me as no one else can. She realizes that she likes my fem side to some extent. She is not into macho men. Take care, think all things through, I will say a prayer for you and your dear wife.

[PaulaJeanette]

Michele,

Just want to send you a short message and any added support you AND your wife may need during this time. It is unfortunate that you BOTH have to contend with the issue of your crossdressing at this time of the year...along with other stresses of the holidays. But look at it this way...if you make it thru the holidays, it'll be a plus and a benchmark that you can look back on...successfully going thru rough times as a couple.

I truly hope you stay together as a couple. Please continue to keep us abreast of your progress.

Hugs for the Holidays,

PaulaJeanette

[PaulaJeanette]

Tammy,

but...Absence also makes the heart wonder.

My point is...by formally separating, communications gets interrupted due to distance...and separation. A few days away is sufficient to think thru an issue but to leave the home is risky to staying married. I'm sure most of us who've experienced what Michele is going thru will agree that to keep talking IS the only way to address spousal issues and crossdressing. It is not going to be smooth...marriage in itself is not always smooth sailing. BUT, very worth the rough seas.

PaulaJeanette