LeaP
03-07-2013, 09:53 AM
Dysphoria pre-hormones: Anxiety, confusion, back-and-forth questioning, break-through crying, panic attacks, dissociation, depression. Fear and flight reactions. Distraction from the inner monologue that gets louder and Louder and LOUDER.
On hormones: The impact now is different. I have been trying to get my finger on this for a while. For a while I thought it was depression returning. But it's not. The symptoms of depression aren't all there. I can be distracted. And when I am engaged in things I can be quite happy.
It's almost like a background of profound sadness. But that doesn't quite describe it either. Resignation? Fatalism? Neither fit precisely. But there are elements of all of them.
Not surrender either, though the thought triggers almost a sweet longing, interesting in itself.
A touch of nostalgia, but for what was not and what might have been. How can you feel nostalgia for that? I don't know, but I do.
Through it all is this lack of motivation. I care about some things deeply and stay fully engaged. My wife and home life, for example.
We were shopping appliances the other day. It was fun! I actually cared! About f***ing appliances! Cooktops, ranges, ventilation, refrigerators, wine coolers. APPLIANCES for God's sake! In the past it would have been "whatever", "get whichever one you want", "who cares", "just PICK one". Or even at its worst, "why don't you just do this by yourself".
No. THIS time around it was like "look, this downdraft is 14" high!", "the little wine cooler is expensive even on clearance, but we really like it ... let's get it!" "I'm glad we came back in after canceling the first order, THIS refrigerator is so much better, even though it's more!!".
Let me tell you, that's a sea change in attitude. And I wasn't faking it, either.
But I'm on automatic elsewhere. I can plug into a meeting, an issue, and do what I have to do. But I just don't care. Flame without fire. This experience, too, is different than in the past. I'm not dissociated ... I just don't care. And I'm thinking and feeling that I don't care consciously when it happens.
Which leads to the happy face that I put on. Fact is, I dread people coming and going into my office. I hesitate picking up calls. I have put it on here, too. My posts recently reflect that and a couple of you picked up on it, commenting to me in PMs. (Hmmm - I thought if there was one thing I could do well, it was hide emotion in my writing. I need to revisit my editing.)
Yet through it all I feel GOOD, too! I mean, WTF? On my lunchtime walk yesterday, I felt terrific! My spirit was soaring. So maybe its all symptomatic of being right with myself in some respects but knowing I'm not right with the world.
As I write this, I am sitting in a comfortable armchair in a Marriott conference area. I often sit here with coffee in the morning as Starbucks is here, it's a hundred feet from the office, and it's usually quiet. Today, a large company is having a conference. I sat for a while just watching people come and go. I feel alive. Connected. Present. It's wonderful! But that backdrop of sadness (or whatever) is still there, too. ... Not to mention comparing myself to every woman there. "I wonder if that hairstyle would look right on me", "she's bigger", "she's smaller", "my God what a beautiful top", and even "I wonder if that one is trans". Non-stop. The inner monologue is running non-stop again. I talk to myself more than a schizophrenic.
Actually, there IS a word for this weird mix of rightness and wrongness, engagement and disengagement, functional and impaired. Dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is unique in its combination of dysfunction and focus. But its focus is oh-so-much clearer on hormones, even if some of the dysfunction is mitigated or feels different. It clarifies the clinical term "impairment," too, taking it from the pre-hormones mood and depression disorders categories to raw functional blockage. Impaired. Handicapped.
Dysphoria and impairment. On steroids.
And yes, I know what the cure is. Not fully facing that yet is part of the problem. Recognizing that, however, is a major reason that decision looms.
Today feels better than yesterday. I'll take that for now.
On hormones: The impact now is different. I have been trying to get my finger on this for a while. For a while I thought it was depression returning. But it's not. The symptoms of depression aren't all there. I can be distracted. And when I am engaged in things I can be quite happy.
It's almost like a background of profound sadness. But that doesn't quite describe it either. Resignation? Fatalism? Neither fit precisely. But there are elements of all of them.
Not surrender either, though the thought triggers almost a sweet longing, interesting in itself.
A touch of nostalgia, but for what was not and what might have been. How can you feel nostalgia for that? I don't know, but I do.
Through it all is this lack of motivation. I care about some things deeply and stay fully engaged. My wife and home life, for example.
We were shopping appliances the other day. It was fun! I actually cared! About f***ing appliances! Cooktops, ranges, ventilation, refrigerators, wine coolers. APPLIANCES for God's sake! In the past it would have been "whatever", "get whichever one you want", "who cares", "just PICK one". Or even at its worst, "why don't you just do this by yourself".
No. THIS time around it was like "look, this downdraft is 14" high!", "the little wine cooler is expensive even on clearance, but we really like it ... let's get it!" "I'm glad we came back in after canceling the first order, THIS refrigerator is so much better, even though it's more!!".
Let me tell you, that's a sea change in attitude. And I wasn't faking it, either.
But I'm on automatic elsewhere. I can plug into a meeting, an issue, and do what I have to do. But I just don't care. Flame without fire. This experience, too, is different than in the past. I'm not dissociated ... I just don't care. And I'm thinking and feeling that I don't care consciously when it happens.
Which leads to the happy face that I put on. Fact is, I dread people coming and going into my office. I hesitate picking up calls. I have put it on here, too. My posts recently reflect that and a couple of you picked up on it, commenting to me in PMs. (Hmmm - I thought if there was one thing I could do well, it was hide emotion in my writing. I need to revisit my editing.)
Yet through it all I feel GOOD, too! I mean, WTF? On my lunchtime walk yesterday, I felt terrific! My spirit was soaring. So maybe its all symptomatic of being right with myself in some respects but knowing I'm not right with the world.
As I write this, I am sitting in a comfortable armchair in a Marriott conference area. I often sit here with coffee in the morning as Starbucks is here, it's a hundred feet from the office, and it's usually quiet. Today, a large company is having a conference. I sat for a while just watching people come and go. I feel alive. Connected. Present. It's wonderful! But that backdrop of sadness (or whatever) is still there, too. ... Not to mention comparing myself to every woman there. "I wonder if that hairstyle would look right on me", "she's bigger", "she's smaller", "my God what a beautiful top", and even "I wonder if that one is trans". Non-stop. The inner monologue is running non-stop again. I talk to myself more than a schizophrenic.
Actually, there IS a word for this weird mix of rightness and wrongness, engagement and disengagement, functional and impaired. Dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is unique in its combination of dysfunction and focus. But its focus is oh-so-much clearer on hormones, even if some of the dysfunction is mitigated or feels different. It clarifies the clinical term "impairment," too, taking it from the pre-hormones mood and depression disorders categories to raw functional blockage. Impaired. Handicapped.
Dysphoria and impairment. On steroids.
And yes, I know what the cure is. Not fully facing that yet is part of the problem. Recognizing that, however, is a major reason that decision looms.
Today feels better than yesterday. I'll take that for now.