Did you tell your wife, before marriage?

[SammyGirl]

How many of you have gone throughout the questioning as you tell your wife, about whom you really are. Without a doubt the first question is why, did you not tell me before we got married? Why did you lie to me? Why did you deceive me? What do you say to that? How do you respond to that question? As for me, 15 years ago, when I married my wonderful, all heart wife, I never knew there were more like me out there. I never knew of the Internet or even had a computer; I never knew what it was that I was going through. I never even thought that this issue of mine had a name. Back then I did not know that there was Internet, never even had a computer. I always thought that once married, all my desires were gona go away, I knew since I was a little boy 5 years or so, that I was different, and had different preferences, but never knew it was going to be a life long chain that I was going to drag for the rest of my live. When I met my wife and then got married, my feelings were all behind and never thought it was gona come back to hunt me later on. Why did I not tell her about Sammy? I told her that I did not know this was ever going to be part of our lives ever! 5 to 7 years later, Sammy started to resurface and this time there was not stopping her, it is until then when I started to research and found out that I was not the only one and now, I even know that there is a name for my behavior and as a why I am the way I am. Never knew that before. However, she (my wife) does not believe and do not want to take that as an answer as of why, I lied to her and never told her about Sammy! One good reason, I may add, is that I am sure that if I've known about Sammy back then, I am sure I would not be married to her now should I had told her before getting married, who are you kidding, I told her, back then, with the way society was, and the way she was brought up to be with her family morals, I am 100% positive, she would had not married me. Anyway, what did you tell your SO, to answer such question?


Sammy

[mellisa]

Hi there, I told my wife all about my dressing almost a year before we got married. She was very cool about it, and now supports me like making me clothes, jewelry, and joining here. I think I have more clothes then she does!
Mellisa;)

[lizbendalin]

I've known who I am for a long time, and have been open about that with all my relationships since about 1992, when I was 20. Once the relationship seemed to be going someplace, I revealed who I was to them. Not once have I had a relationship end at that point. Relationships come and go prior to marriage, but my being a CD has never caused a relationship to end prematurely. I told the love of my life, my wife, on our third date. She had tons of questions, that I answered 100% honestly, even if the answer was a potential firestorm. She is my biggest supporter, and fan. Liz

[rachelusissy]

my wife learned about my crossdressing from my girlfriend who i split from as i started seeing my wife to be she took great pleasure in telling her everything my wife was at the time disgusted she thought i was gay she told me she never wanted to see me again.A week past and we missed each other so much we talked about my dressing she sugested i could dress as long as she did`nt see it.A few weeks later one night she said out of the blue go and get dressed Rachel,and now for the last 10 years she has encouraged me to dress and everyweek she buys me clothes,im lucky and so in love.

Rachel

[SammyGirl]

Thank you very much for your input, so far it makes me think and feel that yes indeed, I Deceived my wife and tricked her into marring me. :( I swear, I did not mean this to happened this way.

Sammy

[karen marie]

i told my wife very early into our relationship.she wasn't
surprised,as i'm pretty feminine acting.it's one of the
things that attracted her to me.she is totally supportive.
hugs,karen.

[Tiffy]

I sat down and told my wife about a year before we were married. I also had something else to tell her that 98% of wives would get up and walk a way from. I had told her to hear me out before she said a word. When I was done I closed my eyes and bowed my head and waited for the worst. All she said was "So?". Now she is my best source for my dressing.

Kisses, April

[Raychel]

I did not tell my wife until we had been maried for 10 years. What a huge mistake that was. If I had it to do all over again I definitly would have told her right form the start. I am sure that she would have been more accepting at that time. But I was not sure that she would keep the secret, And i would have been and still would be devistated if my father were to find out. So I guess that is why I kept it from her.

My recomendations to anyone that is in this situation, If you are planning on getting married then you should have the faith in the women to tell her what she is really getting.

If I had known where I would be today I surely would have let the cat out of the closet 17 years ago.

[kathy gg]

Sammy I don't think any of us want to slap you on the wrist and say 'bad bad husband!'

You made a choice back then, all you can do now is live with the consequences. I would stop beating yourself up. You did what you think you had to do and now all you can do is take each day one step at a time.

Anyway, each of us makes choices every day and some work out with huge rewards and others haunt us later. If she (your wife) decides to hang onto this grudge and not work through her feelings once you have come clean, you cannot be responsible for her anger forever. I think every woman is entitled to have her 'angry' time when she learns of this. Yes, be mad, scream, shout, get it all out in the open, do what ever it takes to work through the trust issues and the anger.....but in time move on. You can't hold this anger forever as it only grows and gets worse.

Shoulda-woulda-coulda- all very fine and well, but you both live in the present, neither should dwell on the past. If you have said you are truly sorry and made some sort of amends, then you officially can stop beating yourself over the head with guilt.

[TGMarla]

I think most of the regulars here already have some idea where I come down on this. My wife didn't know, and I regret it now very much. She knows now, but has not yet given me any indication that she will be accepting of my practices. Hope springs eternal, but the subject has become something that is very difficult for us to discuss, or even bring up for discussion.

Tough stuff. I'm not going to beat myself up over it too much any more, either. But I regret not having been forthcoming with this before I married her.

[Raychel]

TGMarla, it sounds like you are just a few months behind me. My wife is starting to come around now after a couple of months. Have no fear You did the right thing. It will all work out for the best. But I bet that you already know that. It is a good thing that your wife is still being very nice to you. I would take that as a sign that she is accepting you for who you are.

[Adele]

I did not tell my wife until several years after we married.

My cross-dressing did get mentioned on a couple of occasions but when I finally confessed she was very upset. As she kind of knew what was going on she had been able to try to get her head sorted on the subject.

My wife is now pretty much accepting and things are going great between us.

I love her so much and my regret is that I should have told her soon after we met, she said that the fact I hadn't told her was worse than finding out I liked to crossdress.

love Adele xxxxx

[Holly]

Sammy, Kathy is right... stop beating yourself up. I married my wife almost 38 years ago (our anniversary is later this month). Like you, I did not tell her I like to crossdress. I was in my early twenties at the time and had not come to terms with it myself. There was no interenet, there was no material available in the small town I lived in. In all truthfulness, I didn't even know myself at the time. By that, I mean I know I liked to wear women's clothing, but I didn't know who I really was inside. Believe me, I'm not making up excuses. Over the years, I would dress from time to time, sometimes with the help of my wife... Hallowen and the like. She thought is was a lark. It wasn't until fairly recently in our relationship (the last 5 years or so) that I disclosed just how deep these desires are within me. The girl inside started to become more pronounced, more visable. I was just as frightened as my wife was. One day I just knew I had to sit down with her and tell all. I told her of my pre-marriage activities, my activities during our marriage, and where I honestly thought all this was leading to. I'm a very lucky person to have the womam in my life that I do. She is understanding and supportive. That's not to say we haven't had some very interesting discussions in the ensuing years. As human beings, our lives are constantly in flux. We learn and discover things on a daily basis... about others and ourselves. I'm certainly not the same person I was thirty, twenty, ten, or even five years ago. I suppose arguements could be made on both sides if that is a good or bad thing :) . My dreams and desires have changed over the years. That's only natural for all of us... you included.

Unless you can honestly say that you believed crossdressing was destined to become an important part of your life when you were courting your wife to be, should you have told her? There are things I've done that I haven't told my wife; not because I was ashamed... they just weren't important. I used to work in a sheetmetal shop. I don't think she knows that to this day (she does now :D ). Sammy, the best you can do is be true to your wife and true to yourself TODAY! Have your research ready. Answer her questions honestly. Demonstrate your love for her faithfully. Remind her that Sammy and the male you are one in the same person. In my case, Holly tempers the male me, causes me to see things form a different perspective. If that is true in your case as well, try and communicate that to your wife. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. I wish you both the very best.

[Dana]

I didn't much to my regret ~ however like so many I was in denial, and embarrassed by it ~ and attempting to live it down so to speak. Like many, I thought marriage was the "cure-all" for my being a cross dresser. For many years I denied even to myself that was so. I've subsequently have beaten myself up pretty badly over it ~ especially since my divorce. But, I'm over that ~ NOW~! But, its taken an increaiable amount of work for me to get from there to here ~ even though I made it eventually.

[ChristineRenee]

I told my wife while we were still dating and before we even got engaged. That way, if she couldn't deal with it...then she had the opportunity to leave with no commitments being made.;)

[Sweet Susan]

I told my wife about a year into our relationship, and she was fine with it. We married about a year later.

[Sarahgurl371]

Nope, like so many here, I thought this was something I did because I wasn't romantically involved with someone. I told her of my wearing panties once and a while, but that it had stopped, (it did). But like so many, a few years into marraige it came back. Lived a couple of years that way, with all the guilt and shame of not telling her. Decided I needed to be honest with myself. Got some reading material, told her everything. Went to counseling both together and in private. I learned that I am OK. And that there is a lot more to this than just wearing some clothes. That all started 2 1/2 years ago now. I don't know where we will end up. Not very positive so far.

My advice to anyone who thinks that this is a part of you. Tell your future wife. Tell her before marraige. Give her the opportunity to objectively and without serious consequence, evaluate and make a decision on this stuff. Some women can deal with it, others can't. Don't wait till years have gone by and your lives are so intertwined that just the thought of divorce is so terrible.

[ginafaye]

i have been with my wife 15yrs my dressing really came to life with her .5yrs into the relationship. we have been married 5yrs even though all realationships have problems and highs and lows my dressing has been good for both of us

[TVStevie]

When I started seeing my wife, I was going through a non-dressing stage which, as far as I could tell, was a free choice - therefore, I told her that I formerly crossdressed, but no longer did so. When it re-emerged, she was completely freaked out. However, by then we had an addition to the family, so splitting wasn't an easy option.
Over 10 years on and we still don't completely see eye to eye over this. My longing for acceptance has diminished, however - I learned that if I accept myself for who I am, other peoples acceptance is far less important. I still have my moments but on the whole, I'm happy to be me. Whether or not my wife is as happy - well, only she can answer that.

[Helen MC]

Yes. I have always been up front with any Girlfriend and if she couldn't accept my CD activities especially my wearing panties then I would terminate the relationship and have done so in the past . My ex-wife was relaxed about this, we parted fro other reasons not associated with my being a CD.

[Michellemartyn]

I let my wife on after 25 years she went MAD its a very long story and took her two years to come round.
She now helps Michelle and we go out shopping and have nights out with soom very good friends
If I had my time agian I would tell her at the outset not all the ladys can put up with a girl like me so we should let them no what they are getting in to, it s been very heard on her which has made me feel very guilty.
I no Im lucky to still have her but I have to be Michelle Its my life not just a bit of fun.
You have to be yourself and live your life.

[Nastasha]

I told my wife about a month before we got married. She was ok with it, thought it was just a kinky thing I was into.

The only hitch is when her parents come to visit I have to lock everything up in a footlocker - Her mom likes to snoop. Although, her mom does have somenice clothes... they are a little big for me (Yes, I've tried on her things when we visit them .. payback for the snooping :D ), but nice nonetheless.

[Stephenie]

24+ yrs ago it was difficult if not impossable to know all that is now known about CDing and TS/TG. We were isolated in our own lives and had no way of safely sharing our thoughts and feelings with others who might understand. I never thought that this was something that would be with me at age 48 and when I married I was suprised that I still had the disire to dress and when I found that there were so many guys in the same boat and that I was not going to get cured I told my wife in an atempt to save a marrage that I truely wanted to save.
I don't think most of us ever set out to decive our wifes or to trick them into marrying us. We did not know what the future would bring. Don't blame your self for what back then seemed like the wisest choice. Just try and rebuild and go on from here.

[Michellemartyn]

I couldn,t have put it better myself ,When I first dressed 40 years ago I thought I was the only one this made me very shy.
Im over that now
THANK GOD FOR THE PC

[SherriePall]

Let me stick my nose in on this thread. I told my wife a little over six years ago after 25 years of marriage. For two days I thought I lost her (of course, I just blurted it out one night as we went to bed -- stupid), but then she started asking questions which I answered as best I could.
She still hasn't come around, but Sherrie exists, but isn't seen by my wife. She isn't happy, would rather, but sometimes jokes about my CDing and she washes my panties and other unmentionables.
I asked her a while ago if she would have married me if she had known before
we got married and she said no. But she doesn't want me to leave her which I have offered to do if she wanted.
I get out on the QT, but how I wish my wife would welcome me with open arms as a friend.

[paulaN]

I'v been married for almost 27 years. Sammy my situation is just like you discribed. I didn't know anything about beeing a CD. I thought it would go away after marrage. ya right. It sorta came out over time little by little. She now knows all about my hobby and realy does not want any part in it. well most of the time she does not want any part of it. I think it depends on her mood. The big thing with her is what would other people think if thay new about my little secret. I am getting at the age that I don't care any more what people know, or if thay know. I want them to know. Oh my what would our friends think. I don't care, but she still does. I have to respect that but It's hard. for example I shaved my legs and arm pits over a year ago. I kept them shaved all summer and I wore shorts too.SO THERE! It's hard living in a small town less than 5,000 people. It's hard living with a wife that does not realy accept this part of me, mostly because of what other people might think. Like I said I don't realy care what other people might think I am just trying to be me. Something that has taken me a very long time to figure out. I just want to be happy. I want her to be happy too. Trying to find a ballance is not easy. but I can be done. I'm living proof.

[Tiffany Tuesday]

I told my wife before marriage, and she even bought me undies and dresses to wear. Yet after me being the sole breadwinner and paying her through college, she used it against me in a divorce, the very day she got her first salary.

Whilst we have laws purporting to defend minorities, as a transgendered male be aware that in practice not only is the law totally against us, but the accident of our condition leaves us an easy target for the unscrupulous.

I will always believe in being honest, but know that sometimes it most certainly does not pay.

[Veronica E. Scott]

I married my wife on April 22,1966 this coming April will be 40 years. If things keep going the way they have been we might make it don't know.In my earlier
years the urge to dress was not as strong and there were times that I would go for years without dressing but as I got older I started doing it more frequently,in the 70ies my wife would do my hair and makeup go shopping togather for nighties and robes and other things then the kids were getting older and my wife said she didn't want the girls to know so I put it in the closet . It stayed there until about6 or 7 years ago when out of nowhere it started up again.7 months ago I told my wife what was going on and you thought the world had come to an end.I reminded her about the 70ies and she said that she thought it was a phase I was going through and it was over
well guess what it aint and I dont want to put it back in the closet.I have tried to tell my wife that I am the same person she married all those long years ago but she thinks I decieved her and lied to her. would she had married me if I told her 40 years ago don't know. what I do know is that I have a pissed off tiger by the tali and I am scared to let go cause I know that it will bite me.

[Keri]

Veronica: My tale's a bit like yours, but a bit different too.

I got maried in '68 and, until the fourth child was born, my lady "accepted" my love of feminine fashion, but then she "turned off" sexually after I got my vasectomy. I think she only "accepted" my alter-ego when she was in her breeding years and/or she had a "sex drive". Now that she's middle-aged, she is quite aloof and, while she doesn't find me repugnant, she doesn't find me attractive in feminine attire either.

We co-exist and are friendly, sort of, but the passion is gone. She knows that I still have a sensual nature that I'd rather share with her, but that's a dead issue these days. With kids and finances and extended family, it's not really worth it to seperate (neither of us wants to "start all over"). We'll hang in there 'til death do us part. It's not ideal, but that's life, eh?

[Staci]

My wife knew well before we were married. She use to drive me crazy by showing me her nylon nightgown and robe. She let me wear her robe on occasion and I remember the first article of clothing she bought for me. It was a pair of white bikini panties with little red hearts on them. It was for valentines day. She has been very accepting and provides advice whenever I need it. She understands that it helps me relax after stressful days. Bottom line is that I would recommend telling your girlfriend as soon as you can as honesty is a major part of a relationship.

[vanessaleigh]

I never get tired of reading about everyone else's experiences and even though there have been a lot of posts on this thread, my experience seems to be different.

I have been married nearly 29 years and I had no idea what this was all about when I was young and stupid! I just knew that I had found the girl of my dreams and I wanted to spend my life with her. We recently found a copy of the vows we wrote and it was rewarding to both of us to find that we have managed to live up to those vows all these years.

I wish I could have told her what this was all about then. We could have had a lot more fun with it. At this point, my wife is totally accepting and we have integrated living with my alter-ego into our daily lives without coming out to family and "normal" friends. We have a whole set of CD friends and spouses though and so we just do the balancing game with all of it.

It wasn't always so good. There was a 6 year period where we had to work things out and my wife had to come to terms with it all. That was hard and I avoided every bit of feminity for those 6 years (and almost forced myself into a nervous breakdown). All I could think of to do was to love her through it to the point of decision. Thankfully, it has worked out well for us.

My wife has told me that she never considered the 20 years of not telling a lie. She says that she understands that I didn't understand myself (which was true) and that a person can't be expected to explain what they don't understand. She accepts that I haven't changed into something else through the revelation and that she likes some of the changes that have happened as a result to our relationship.

So my recommendation, for anyone who is CD, tell that person you love. If they really love you they will try to work things out with you. If they don't, they only want part of you, and that will kill you if you try to live that way. The funny thing is that before you tell them, they are thinking that they like all of you. After you tell them, you have to convince them that all of you is worth liking. It just proves that life isn't easy, but it's worth it.

[sidney_girl]

I'd been married for a little over seven years before I first became aware of a desire to crossdress. (I was what you might call a "late bloomer.") So, obviously, I couldn't have told her before I got married.

Once I started crossdressing, however, I knew that she could never find out. She absolutely would not accept it. And I was right. When she learned of my crossdressing--partly through my forced confession ("tell me what's going on, or I'll call your parents," she said to me), partly through being ratted out by a troublesome neighbor (this wasn't the only time she ratted me out on something, by the way)--well, let's just say that things got really ugly.:(

We're still married, seven months later, and I'm trying to work out a compromise. Don't know if that's going to work, however.

Would I have told her before marriage, if I'd been crossdressing back then? I'm ashamed to say that I probably would not have done so. I was so afraid of losing her that I ignored a number of other important issues, and dove in head first. Bad idea. Very bad idea.

[Randi Girl]

Yes I told my wife before we married,she was fine with that but didn.t really realize what it is all about. Now after many years of marriage she tolerates my dressing but wants nothing to do with me in drag. She says if she wants a female partner she would get one. We went for counselling but it ended up me taking the counselling. Overall it didn.t hurt to disclose but I gained little.randi

[SammyGirl]

Oh, My God!
So many replies! Thank you so very much to all of you ladies! It has really help me to at least feel somewhat better, as I did not, "like many of you", intended to knowingly in any way do the wrong thing. Yes, I had honestly told my wife that if I would have known all I know now things may had been different.

Number one: I think and somehow feel that if I would had known all about me and Sammy, and that I was not the only one in the world, and I had choices. I think, I would had try to be Sammy more so than not, assuming that is, that back then was more like it is nowadays, as well as assuming that I had came to terms with myself.

Number two: As to the answer to the question, " would I had told her about Sammy? (Assuming that I was not going to go for Samantha’s transition of mind and body as much as I could have), but knowing it was not going to be over, ever! And that Sammy was, is, and will always be there? Shamefully, I most admit chances are, I would have not told her due to shame, embarrassment, and the enormous chance of loosing her forever, since at that point on time, I was so much in love to this wonderful woman.

Number three: I said to her, I would had told her in the beginning of our relationship and before falling in love for each other, yet realizing that the both of us were going to be part of each other lives. I think her rejecting me and/or ending of our relationship back then, would had been much less painful and less of a hardship for the both of us. It breaks my heart to have her go through this phase on our lives. It hurts me so deep to think that she might feel, see, and think of me, (the man she met back then, and felt in love with) totally different for the worse! It is so hard and painful even for me, in her case to end up finding out that she is married not to the person she thought she was.

I am so much in pain knowing how much I hurt her, but I know with all my heart and conscience that I did not mean to. All of your comments, advises, experiences, and encouragement has help me so very much, in many ways.

Thank you all so much for caring



Sammy

[Claire B]

Yes, I told my wife well before we wee married. And she actually wanted to see Claire. How ever afterwards she became very (how should I say it) distant to the fact that I am a cross dresser. I has taken 9 years for her to understand, that me being Claire is a need, and not a fetish. She has become somewhat supportive and even more so acceptive of this part of me. No the road hasn't allways been smooth, but it has been a long one.

Hugs, Claire

[kwebb]

My wife knew almost 2 yrs before we got hitched. In fact, I tried to talk her out of marrying me because of it. As my then girlfriend she was most instrumental in suporting and nuturing my 'femme persona'.

It got kinda rocky after we got married though. I would always go back to saying 'you knew full well what the deal was, why change up now'.
I think I pushed it too far too fast. We had done so much with it (the CDing ) before marriage there is almost nowhere else to go with it behind closed doors. She still supports it though as long as I don't push too hard across her boundaries. My own lack of self-acceptance is the main reason I have driven a wedge between the one person who I should be thankful to have. I can get sooo mad/sad about it that it afffects my relations to her in a negative way. Stupid, just plain stupid.

[bridgette63]

My dear wife found out by accident... She was looking for something in my closet and found my stash of clothes. When I got home from work she said we gotta talk.... All I could think was uh oh... then she says who do these belong to? and shows me my little stash. What could I do?, so I told her they were mine and she was relieved cause she thought i was cheating. Then she had me dress up for her, that was nerve racking, then she asked if I wanted to be a woman? The answer was no, I just like to dress like one , It make me feel good.
So she was cool with all of it. The only restrictions she put on it was no out in public and only when she was there... Great Girl huh? that was 16 years ago
and the only difference is now she doesn't mind if I dress when I'm alone.

[allison88]

I told my wife when we were still dating and starting to get serious. CDing is part of who I am and I couldn't marry someone who didn't accept me completely. And it wouldn't have been fair to her to not tell her - she had a right to know.

[HaleyPink2000]

No, I was in denile at the time and trying to be as macho as I could be since I was 17 till I was 40 ish. Then I started coming out to her a little at a time.

I was a very Manly type. Way into guns, archery camo, anything macho till I was in my 40's. Only when I was very little did I ever think of girly things. Like between maybe 5 to 10 years of age. Even then just a few times.

But No! I was way into the Denile idea about that.

Haley:)

[Stelli]

24+ yrs ago it was difficult if not impossable to know all that is now known about CDing and TS/TG. We were isolated in our own lives and had no way of safely sharing our thoughts and feelings with others who might understand. I never thought that this was something that would be with me at age 48 and when I married I was suprised that I still had the disire to dress and when I found that there were so many guys in the same boat and that I was not going to get cured I told my wife in an atempt to save a marrage that I truely wanted to save.
I don't think most of us ever set out to decive our wifes or to trick them into marrying us. We did not know what the future would bring. Don't blame your self for what back then seemed like the wisest choice. Just try and rebuild and go on from here.

I always find it hard to explain how world was functioning when Internet was not existant. You know about something but you do not know anything, there is no literature and if there is noone to support you you may not figure it out at all. Official help will try to put you back on track of everyday understanding. Gender issues have been in its infancy. This site has brought many to understand that we all share this and that we are not alone and that is OK to be what you are. But lets go 20 or 30 or 40 years back and try to do the same.... If you got out then, what may have happened. I bet that middle age and senior members can tell a lot about this. Let's not judge what was uderstanding 40 years ago with the insights we have today.

[Kiera]

I also told my wife before we married. As soon as I knew that the relationship was starting to get serious. I feel that trust has to be the basis of a relationship and as scarey as it was to come clean with anyone for the first time I am very glad I did. It took her a while to really understand and accept it. I am not really sure that I understand it completely myself???
kiera

[Lawren]

Well, I'm not married, yet, but I did tell my SO before she moved in. She is OK with it. The truth is that we met online and then started talking on the phone. When we started to make plans for her to move in I told her. I wanted to make it clear so there would be no surprizes and to show her that I was going to be honest about everything with her. So far, everything is working out very well.

[nancyboy]

I have been dressing since my teens. I blame it on having 4 sisters and no brothers. My wife thinks I started dressing after we got married. At first, she was involved in my dressing. She taught me how to apply make-up. About a year into our marriage, she caught me about to get dressed and we split up. She told everyone in her family, which includes 5 brothers. We kept in touch, even though her family didn't approve, and wound up getting back together because of the birth of our first son. We've been happy ever since, except for the fact that I still have desires to dress up after I told her I didn't want to anymore. She does let me wear pantyhose during our lovemaking, but other than that I am not allowed to dress anymore. I have on ocassion dressed up without her knowing, and if she ever found out I would be out on the street, which would be extremely difficult since we just moved into a new house and are expecting our third child. She used to let me dress up while she went shopping and I stayed home and cleaned our old house. But I promised her I would stop when we moved into our new home. It's been difficult, but I love my kids and my wife too much to mess things up again.