Okay you are TS, now what?

[Marleena]

Okay, either you found out in this section or maybe you knew all along, or whatever... So I assume you've joined a TS support group or seeing a good gender therapist to confirm it. Where do you go next, or do you anything at all?

If you do nothing does that disqualify the notion that you are TS? Or maybe you stop at HRT. Maybe you want SRS, maybe you don't. Does that make you not TS? Inquiring minds want to know.

[Rianna Humble]

People often confuse being transsexual with having acute Gender Dysphoria or even Gender Identity Disorder. You are born transsexual and the only thing you can do to overcome that is to transition fully, but that does not mean that every TS will necessarily transition.

There are some people (not very many in my limited experience) who manage to keep the Gender Dysphoria down to manageable levels and for reasons best understood by themselves, decide not to transition. That does not make them "not TS", it makes them lucky.

There are others, myself included, who desperately want the surgery to become whole but who are fighting an uphill battle against the health problems that mean I was refused surgery at this point. I am no less TS, my Gender Identity Disorder is no less real than my friend who had surgery four days ago, but I am having to face the fact that unless I can overcome the health problems I will never be whole.

What I will say though, is that just as I can never answer questions about what it is like to be post-op from my own experience, it is equally true that someone who stops short of transition can never answer questions about transitioning from experience.


Then there are those who know intellectually that they are TS but who refuse to accept it. They cannot know from experience what it is like to identify as TS or to live the life 24/7/365.25

[Marleena]

Rianna it has to be painful not to be able to transition because of health issues.

I do know when I was in my twenties I wanted to transition fully, I was desperate even foolishly taking my wife's old birth control pills. I could n't find help though (pre-internet) Then my wife got pregnant and I gave up and buried those thoughts for good, or so I thought. So here goes round two with me approaching 60 years old and thinking HRT might be enough (hoping). I hate this because all of this will be short lived because of advancing age, family issues, monetary issues (I can't work anymore), etc. I don't know if it's worth taking it any further or if giving up even HRT might be best. I feel trapped and yes it might be seen as just excuses but I've made it this far living as a guy.

I don't do a lot of reading/memorizing TS stuff because I just know how I feel. I do however remember reading that there are different levels of treatment for being TS. One needing no HRT intervention (just therapy) and more severe cases needing HRT then another requiring GRS. Or am I wrong here?

[melissaK]

Gosh Marlena. You are on a roll with cool OPs.

IMHO all TS experience GD, and because of it all undertake some transition just as Rhianna said.
IMHO if you say you're TS and live happily in your DAB gender role you were misdiagnosed.

I have little to gain by transitioning so I've fought it. GD never stops pushing me down a path of transition.

It's up to each TS to figure out the degree of GD that can live with. GD does NOT respond to logic or reason - it's from unfulfilled subconsciously created FEELINGS. Our "feelings" are out side the control of our logic and reason.

However, you can use logic to deconstruct what you THINK or BELIEVE about whether a guy can want to be a woman or what is moral or shameful as those are all learned social rules. It can take time to clear that stuff out of the way before a TS can move on with a transition, but it can be done.

The TS runs into problems when the subconscious TS desires run into another subconsciously created desire - i.e. LOVE. If a TS loves someone who won't change their learned social beliefs to accommodate the TS's transition, the TS is screwed. Logic won't make the TS stop feelings of love for that person just as logic won't stop the TS's TS feelings. The TS has an awful choice.

I like this Q a lot.

[Marleena]

No..not living happily in my male role, never have. Just feeling like giving up, not on life, but getting it right. I knew long ago who I am but thought I buried it and was in denial too. My whole life has been a struggle.

I did join a TS group because of the GID and a good one at that. My group leader told me what I didn't want to hear. Who the **** wants to be TS? She helped with a therapist and an endo that confirmed what I didn't want to hear. I'm still struggling with dealing with this. I was happy thinking I was TG though it was so much easier for me.

[arbon]

If you do nothing does that disqualify the notion that you are TS? Or maybe you stop at HRT. Maybe you want SRS, maybe you don't. Does that make you not TS? Inquiring minds want to know.

I guess I don't understand why it really matters that much - qualifying as ts or not. Its not a competition. You do what works for you. If someone finds some hrt, with a little crossdressing works best for them and they don't want to go any further are they TS or not? I don't really know but they should not care what I think they are anyway if it is working for them.

If I choose not to have SRS and in some peoples eyes that makes me not TS fine they can give my TS card to someone else. I'm just trying to do what's best for me - I don't need that label to validate what I am or am not doing.

I am happy living and identifying as a woman, I was not happy trying to live as a man. I function better on hrt then I did when I was not on hrt. I did not like being a man that cross dressed, I like being a woman that does not have to cross dress. What works and what does not work in my life - thats the important thing that I needed to figure out.

[Rianna Humble]

Marleena, broadly speaking you are right about there being different levels of treatment, but I am going to be pedantic because in my not so humble opinion, it is not different levels of treatment for being TS but for the degree of Dysphoria. This was the reason for the opening remark in my earlier post in this thread.

At different points in our lives we will experience the Gender Dysphoria differently. Thirty years ago, when it prevented me from marrying, the general level of Dysphoria was relatively mild and I was able to keep it under control and continue living as if I were male (most of the time). Had I sought any treatment at that point in my life (assuming it had been available then), it is highly probable that some kind of therapy would have been sufficient.

When things came to a head around 4 years ago, the Dysphoria had become so acute that it drove me into clinical depression and I was almost totally unable to function in any of my roles. From then on, it became increasingly obvious to all that therapy alone would not enable me to cope with the Dysphoria.

[melissaK]

Marlena, big hugs. You sound like you hit a point where more transitioning is needed. But like Arbon says, transitioning is a matter of degrees. Not everyone has to cross the whole gender divide under any given time table.

Writer Kate Bornstein is famous for having crossed the whole MTF divide via SRS and then deciding she wasn't happiest as a woman, she liked being the gender outlaw in the middle somewhere.

She found others there too. But pragmatically, she points out life in the middle is even harder as you look odd to everyone. She recommends having a stealth M or F presentation, a role you "pass" in, to use when you need to be free of social criticism. She presents F when she wants that. Some MTF who want to be in the middle keep their old male role handy. A lot of them get labelled as mere crossdressers, wrongly in my opinion. But that's the clinical labeling argument Arbon reminds us is irrelevant to personal happiness.

[Kathryn Martin]

People often confuse being transsexual with having acute Gender Dysphoria or even Gender Identity Disorder. You are born transsexual and the only thing you can do to overcome that is to transition fully, but that does not mean that every TS will necessarily transition.

There are some people (not very many in my limited experience) who manage to keep the Gender Dysphoria down to manageable levels and for reasons best understood by themselves, decide not to transition. That does not make them "not TS", it makes them lucky.

There are others, myself included, who desperately want the surgery to become whole but who are fighting an uphill battle against the health problems that mean I was refused surgery at this point. I am no less TS, my Gender Identity Disorder is no less real than my friend who had surgery four days ago, but I am having to face the fact that unless I can overcome the health problems I will never be whole.

I find myself agreeing with Rianna's post here. For me to answer your question requires a definition of transsexuality. According to Pauly and Benjamin transsexuals are born with a complete psycho-sexual inversion, which means that their brain is organized and developed of one sex and their body is disfigured (and disabled) by the fact that it is of the other sex. [see also Milton Diamond, University of Hawaii and studies involving body imaging by McGill University in Montreal by Ronald Melznack] The only way to correct the problem is surgery and if for medical reasons it is in fact denied transformation of the body to achieve closest approximation. If surgery is denied life is a living hell.

What people never talk about is the intensity with which this condition is experienced. Type 6 HBS patients will in fact transition early and if that does not happen they will not survive. I know this sounds dire but in fact it is the case. Type 5 maybe be able to sustain a life but the suffering from the brain/reproductive organ conflict creates enormous pressures so that at some point in their life they will have surgery or live a life of living hell.

In some sense that gives you my answer to your question, which is, that I do not believe that transsexuals can live without transitioning at some point in their life and seeking surgery to correct their disability/disfigurement.

[traci_k]

Marleena and MelissaK Thank You.! You've made some excellant observations and points which brought floods of memories and feelings back. I remembered back to when I was about 10 and heard about Christine Jorgenson and I was elated because even at that age I knew I wanted to be a woman, But where was a 10 year old to go to tell his parents he thinks he should have been a girl. About the same time I remember asking my mom when I was going to grow the things on her chest. When she told me that I wasn't going to, I was devestated. So all my life I struggled with the idea that I liked to dress in women's clothes. Only later did I learn the term Crossdresser. Because of the expense and probable loss of family, friends and everything I tried to blend in as a male and secretly do what I could to feel female, but I never seemed to quite fit in with the other guys. Over the years I've tried to keep the feeling supressed because I thought there's no way given the expense, that I could transition, and identified myself as a CD. When I took a COGIATI test, I came up as probable transsexual, but it was borderline so I tried to write it off. But the fact is now that I'm getting older (57) that these feelings are harder to supress and being on the forum here has given me new insight. I've e-mailed a friend who is a psychologist to see if she could recommend a good gender therapist, but how the **** am I going to talk to my wife and 14 yo son? Especially when she is a fundamentalist christian and considers this an abomination? Melissa, you're right I'm screwed because I probably am TS and have been denying it for years.
Thanks
Traci

[Marleena]

Best of luck Traci, that's a great starting point. I hope you find the right answers for you.

[Angela Campbell]

I know I have GD. I am pretty sure I was born a transexual. So far I have been able to suffer in a way I can handle, but it does seem like it is getting worse. I am mid 50's now and full transition is out of the question right now due to many factors, financial being high up on the list. What scares me is the thought that it will get worse to the point I cannot live with it anymore as I have since I was about 4 years old. Unless I hit the right 6 numbers on the lotto I have no choice but to live a double life as a man who sometimes looks like a girl. (the girl part is getting to be more and more of the time now)

So....am I really TS? I have too much on my plate to figure it out. I don't really care. I know what I am.

[Badtranny]

This kind of talk is really only useful for self examination. I'm sure there are uncountable degrees of variance along the TG spectrum but why can't we all agree that TS should be a transition mark? It's not about pulling up the rope to our tree house, it's about sharing a common experience.

I was just hanging out with a sister last night who is in the very early stages of transition and even though we don't appear to have much in common by looking at us, we in fact do because she is about to face some of the same things I faced 3 years ago. She's not a polished CD like my friend Melissa Rose, but even though Melissa and I LOOK like we are in similar places, I have much more in common with my TS friend because this is her LIFE. Rockin' CD's like Melissa or so many of my other friends may look great and we all have a great time together but at the end of the day, they are experiencing something completely different than me. They get up the next morning as dudes and go to work with different names. As one of my CD friends said, "this is playtime". All of the serious life stuff gets done in their real names and their birth gender.

Are some of my friends actually closet TS's? Well I have my suspicions and have mentioned to a couple of them that they're not fooling anyone, but as long as they maintain separate identities, then they're not like me and my TS friends who are actually transitioning. I hang out with two girls fairly often and they are both recently divorcing and finding apartments BECAUSE of the their transition. This is the real deal, and they are fighting hard battles and taking some body blows because this is the life they feel like they need. They're both very different than me, and very different from each other, but we all share one common experience; transition.

Are you TS? Heck I don't know, but why does it matter if you're not going to transition? What do you have in common with transitioners? It just seems like being TS would require a transition, otherwise it's more like just really, really, really wishing things could change.

If somebody told me they were transsexual I would say, "wow, good for you, when's the big day?" If they then say that they don't plan to transition, I honestly don't have any idea what I would say, but I think it would be awkward for a minute.

[Angela Campbell]

it's more like just really, really, really wishing things could change.



Yes.....That is it right there. Sadly.

[traci_k]

Please forgive me if I offend anyone for not knowing the proper terminology, I mean no disrespect because I have nothing but admiration for the courage and hardships transitioners face and are facing. I know, I tried to deny it all these years because of the challanges transitioners face. I never wanted to admit it. Like somebody else mentioned why would you want to do it? The pounding in the head says you don't want to do it, but you need to do it, and admitting that is very scary.

My best wishes to all the girls who have transitioned or transitiong.
Hugs
Traci

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm with you on your point melissa

harry benjamin did me no favors...i read research and studies and thought..nope, not me.........
doctors read that stuff, talked to me and said ..nope, not you...
labels didnt help me...being diagnosed as NOT ts didn't help me live..

i never told a living soul outside of therapy for well over 40 years...only when i met others did it open my eyes...only by sharing stories and hearing experiences did i come to understand what this thing inside me was...
when i met ts women and proclaimed that i was ts they said..."What is your transition plan??"...when i told them they proceeded to tell me i was an idiot LOL>..they were right!!

to me the simple definition of ts is somebody that would significantly improve their quality of life by transitioning (broadly defined)..

if you don't transition, or you duck the question and just say i am what I am...you are either not ts or you are risking your best quality of life and finding out late in life...

[Nicole Erin]

Here is what is next -
Figure out how much you can do to transition given whatever financial, social and physical limitations, see if you can work past some of those, start transition, and live life. It is not easy to get to a point but you have a life to live beyond gender issues.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Please forgive me if I offend anyone for not knowing the proper terminology, I mean no disrespect because I have nothing but admiration for the courage and hardships transitioners face and are facing. I know, I tried to deny it all these years because of the challanges transitioners face. I never wanted to admit it. Like somebody else mentioned why would you want to do it? The pounding in the head says you don't want to do it, but you need to do it, and admitting that is very scary.

My best wishes to all the girls who have transitioned or transitiong.
Hugs
Traci

pls don't feel like you offended anyone!!!

what you have expressed is exactly the kind of impossible to quantify situation that needs to get boiled down to brass tacks..

you want to live your best quality of life possible..and you are starting to hit a point where you realize that something like transition would help you...but you are also stuck (just like many of us) because of circumstances in your life..

you are right..admitting it is very scary...but the other side is not admitting might be even scarier...

i think nicole you are right to point out that we all face limitations...i know some people suffer so much there are NO limitations on what they'd do to transition..but those are not always good situations either...i have seen some horrible horrible transition at any cost situations...

you have the right to try to live your own best quality of life traci...whatever that it is..

[Kathryn Martin]

harry benjamin did me no favors...i read research and studies and thought..nope, not me.........

I am not sure whether we talked about this before, but reading the above, I would disagree with the latter part of the statement in retrospective. Reading studies and books like Benjamin's while you are in turmoil is useless. Reading it and looking back on your life it may be quite different.

And then there is still the intensity issue. And that is where it all comes together doesn't it. The intensity of your need and inner conflict was enough that surgery had to be accomplished in the end.

Not all of us had the opportunity to present to a knowledgeable physician like Benjamin at the age of 12 or 14, which would have changed the course of our our lives dramatically.

[STACY B]

Tell ya what Marleena lets me an you just transition really slow an just keep doing one thing at a time an an after awhile if we don't make because we were to old when we started every one will know we tried but the Ol Grim reaper caught up with us before we could get threw !!!

Gave my Best Shot MOM !!!!!!!!!

[Marleena]

Lol.. good plan Stacy! I already feel like an old bag anyways.:heehee: I've told the wife that I feel that way too.

[KellyJameson]

From what I have seen unremedied symptoms worsen with age. There is an interesting parallel between the experience of Borderline Personality Disorder and GID.

Here is an interesting link written by a transman for you Marleena.

http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33949-some-thoughts-on-gender-identity-disorder/

I would think if someone does not transition they will be psychologically vulnerable.

I actually have learned much from transman as an offset to my own experiences.

Watch for depression Marleena. That would be the measuring stick I would suggest in your position.

[Marleena]

Thanks for the link Kelly, Ill check it out.:)

[Anne2345]

I will not or cannot define what it means to be TS for someone other than me, unless the evidence conclusively proves the point on its face, i.e., transition has occurred.

For me, even though I am only three months into HRT, it ain't enough. It just isn't. I need more. I will do more. And I know this to be true, or I will ultimately lose my mind. But that's ok, I guess, because I feel entirely different about it than I did before.

I actually am beginning to understand and accept my truth. And this is a game changer. Even though I have yet to walk in either Misty's or Kaitlyn's shoes, I believe I am with them. It makes sense to me, and I see what I believe to be the truth of their statements for the first real time. I get it now, I think. And I accept that, because quite frankly, I can't envision it being any other way (given what I know where I am currently at).

So now what? Keep moving forward. One step at a time, but always forward.

I now get that it is a road that must be planned out, budgeted, thought through, and contingencies allowed for (I get ya, Kathryn).

There is no other way. The status quo is unsustainable. Going back is a non-option. HRT is great, but it is only but ONE more step forward among many along the path. It just doesn't cut it in and of itself.

And really, it's not designed to. It's a means to an end. It is not the end.

At least this is my take on it, FWIW . . . .

[Nicole Erin]

Just don't forget to do the other things while waiting for HRT to take some effect. Train voice, learn how to socialize as a lady, build confidence (comes with being out more and more) etc. Long as you are making things happen instead of waiting, all is well.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

........... I can't envision it being any other way (given what I know where I am currently at)............



This is a good statement that describes one of the benefits I got out of transition and srs.... all the self talk/wondering/buzzing in my head was totally and completely gone...

srs was the part that got rid of the qualifier about where i was at the time...

i beleive this is consistent with all ts women that have successful transitions....

my own wording would be that i can imagine (altho i'll never know for sure) that my own internal dialogue is no different than a cisgender person, but colored by my experience...

outside of moments where something else triggers a thought...it almost never occurs to me that i went through all that to get here...its very conducive to quality of life experience

[Angela Campbell]

Just don't forget to do the other things while waiting for HRT to take some effect. Train voice, learn how to socialize as a lady, build confidence (comes with being out more and more) etc. Long as you are making things happen instead of waiting, all is well.

Actually this is what I am doing. At the point I am at coming completely out and living 24/7 as a woman isn't something I could do anyway. I am doing what I can. I am learning some voice techniques...which will take some time, I plan to start electrolosis very soon, and I am learning to have more female mannerisms, and socialization skills and venturing out in public. I really think I have a long way to go before I have to make a decision on HRT ( probable ....getting more probable all the time sigh,,,) or SRS (not likely)

I read Benjamin's paper and I do disagree with some of it and know that some of it is not really thought of the same way anymore. I do fit into one of his levels and some of it did hit home.