A magnifying glass of fear?

[Brynna M]

So my fiance knows and you has intellectually acknowledged that this is always going to be a part of me. But with that said it is strictly don't ask don't tell.

I want to talk more. I don't think she knows how far I have gone (clothes wig make-up)

With all that said I am terrified of bringing it up. It will not be good. But I wonder if part of it is my own fear that makes it seem worse both in anticipation and during the actual "discussion".

So my question is.. "is may own fear making things seem/feel worse than they really are?"

Thoughts?

[Tracii G]

Yes I think so.

[allesha10]

Like Tracii, I believe your own fear of discussing this with her is scaring you. I was always deathly afraid that my wife would find out let alone ask, and when she did ask, my heart stopped. But we talked for hours, she has grown somewhat more accustomed to Allesha, not sure how accustomed? She still asks me questions about the depth of my desires in dressing, and i am honest which sometimes frustrates her because she wants a solid answer, which I do not have. But having her know and accept somewhat makes me feel alive again. So up top you, you know her, will bringing this up really be that bad,as bad as you will feel either dressing and hiding it from her or not dressing because of your fear of her thoughts?

[Rachelakld]

It's good that your fiance knows.
If you got the right fiance, then you should be able to tell her before any wedding plans are made.

My fiance and I played dressing up one evening, and since no one died because of it, she was OK.
Since we are both mature and in an exclusive relationship, we know that any sexuality with others (straight or gay) is a marriage breaker.

Having coffee or lunch etc with others who have the same hobby is no worse than if I had coffee / lunch with people from the camera club - OK there are a couple of girls in the camera club I'm not allowed to have coffee without other members being present :)

[Kalista Jameson]

Hi Wbradm,

While she is still in fiancee status, I would definitely put all the cards on the table before the "I do's" come and go. Leave nothing to suspicion about what the other thinks or any promises made regarding the DADT kind of thing. Since she is already aware of your crossdressing, then the biggest part is over with. The rest is just determining how much this is going to be an issue in your relationship. As many of us know and have said in other threads, the feelings do not go away, and we cannot be caged like birds. The best of sacrificial intentions for the relationship will come to naught.

It's hard to promise another what we are unsure of in our own lives. Maybe today, you honestly are content with CDing at a certain level, but what about tomorrow? We are always growing and moving forward. Those urges and expressions may evolve as well. They did with me. We need to be sure in life we have the freedom to grow. Fear is a good emotion to have to help us be cautious, but not if it immobilizes us.

I, like many others, have certain regrets in life. If I could go back and choose better, I would. I'd gird myself up and talk to her when the timing is right.

Cheers and good luck,

Kalista

[Alice B]

I agree with tracii. It's time to tell her the full story and then talk it out and arrive at a workable plan.

[DonnaT]

Strictly don't ask don't tell is not the way to begin a marriage. Everything should be on the table for discussion, before your fiancé becomes your wife. IMHO

[Jorja]

I agree with the others. Our own fear is usually the worst. But allow me to ask, if she cannot accept this about you, do you really want to marry her?

[giuseppina]

I agree with Donna and Jorja. There are better ways to start a marriage than DADT on any subject, not just crossdressing. It's a set-up for future conflict.

My inclination is to stay unmarried until your fiancée decides if she can accept the crossdressing at a level satisfactory to you.

[docrobbysherry]

Been married and divorced, Brad. We thot we put everything on the table BEFORE we tied the not, (sic). Even lived together for 3 years.

U have no idea what WILL come up and bite u in the tucash after you've been married a few years. No one does! U should work thru EVERY POSSIBILITY u can think of with her NOW! That includes what your "hobby" may lead to in a few years!

By the by, our issues didn't even have anything to do with dressing as I didn't start until we separated. There were/r plenty of other issues that came up. You'll see!

[London]

Think of what your feeling inside as a fever. If you leave it untreated, it could/will harm you. If you set up a dinner night and talk to her about it and leave everything on the table, then she will see all your passions and desires. We all know your passions and desires arent just with Dressing, but also with your love for her. If you respect her, you will atleast talk to her lil by lil. She has your heart and you have hers. DADT should be removed at this point so the hearts can be true to each other. Just my 2 cents.

London

[PaulaQ]

Trust me on this - if she isn't able to handle this part of you, you don't want to discover this after about 10 years of marriage. Breaking up is hard to do, so if that's what has to happen (and I certainly hope that isn't the case!), it's way better done sooner, rather than later. Because this isn't going to go away, she isn't going to change you, and if she can't handle this (some people can't or don't want to), then it's better to end it now. You'll both find someone else. (Again, I hope you can work it out - I wish you all the luck in the world.)

[Stephanie47]

Brad, I read some of your previous posts and I think you need to iron out some of the details of your definition of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." If DADT means your wife does not want to see it, talk about it, and totally ignore it, then, you are going to have a long term problem of expressing yourself. How will you explain shaving body hair? Where will you clothes be stored/hanged? Will you be able to go out en femme? When? Where?

Everyone is entitled to change their minds concerning anything and everything. Even if you have the further sit down discussions, there is no guarantee for the future. Many times the DADT works because the partners have a lot of mutual interests. You've seen from numerous threads on this forum that long term marriages may blow up at the mere suggestion of cross dressing.

[Joanne f]

We can only read what is written on a screen whereas you are in that real life situation so you will ultimately know if you are right to feel fearful or not but if you are picking up very negative vibes on the DADT situation then I think you are right in feeling fearful , but saying that if it is not done then you will live a life of fear until it is done , so fear or not it needs to be done for both of your sakes as she needs to know the full extent of your dressing and you need to know that she knows it and only then can you both go forward without any fear (although Cds have a habit of adding bits as they go along their path of discovery).
It might be worth you explaining that you feel this needs to be done and then judge a reaction over that and if there is a complete " I do not want to talk about it " then you really are in a DADT situation , but things can change ether way when people have had time to think about things but the only way you are going to know is to try and then that should put your fear at rest and put things into a knowing situation which is a lot easier to deal with than a fearful one because you only fear the unknown .

[Dana3]

The way to deal with fear? Is to embrace it ~ more oftentimes easier said than done ~ especially for the intitate/virgin.

I'm a retired United States Marine Gunnery Sergeant. My first time under "fire" I was like most? I wanted to crawl my way to the otherside of the world in the dirt. But a metomorphis occurred in a serendipitous way? After the first expeince, while not fool-hardy, nor stupid? I walked around up-right and vertacile to the whooo and aweee of others.

Why? Simply because I've seen way too may die of things they shouldn't have died of ~ while others lived through what should have certaily killed them.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Wbradm, The longer you put it off the harder it gets .

[Tanya J]

your fear may tint the way you present her with what she will want, and need to know about your crossdressing. She will see how afraid you are and it can have a profound effect on her interpretation of what we do. Take the lead as best you can to show her with your body language and attitude that this does not have to be something to be afraid off

[Beverley Sims]

It is come out time but you can wait till curiosity gets the better of her and when she saks you can let her have it, but slowly and in moderation.

[Lacyfem]

You flat out have to tell her as if you intend to marry and live with her as another gurl that's got to be discussed. Most women want a man in their lives and you know this and that's where the fear comes from as she most likely wants a man in her life. Even if she does accept you and marry you, life will be complicated depending on how much and how often you want to dress and are you going to have children. If so are you going to be open with about your femness and why you and mommy dress alike and the rest of their friends parents don't. Getting married is a big step and there are so many things to discuss before one gets married and now you've added something that's huge and important. If you love her the fear is she'll reject you and you really can't blame her for that as you must be honest with her.

[RonniCD]

You won't know until you have that conversation. There is our perception (that can be distorted wildly) and there is WHAT IS.


DADT- Ugggghhhhhh.....been there and don't ever want to be there again. You said "she has intellectually acknowledged....", but that's not the same as acceptance. We are so much more than intellectual creatures, and if she can't accept all of you, it is unlikely that you will have a long and fulfilling union. Everyone needs to be loved and accepted for ourselves.

The prospect of those kinds of conversations can be frightening, but you already know you need to have that discussion. I've heard the saying that if there's a bomb on the table, hit it. Put on your tightest gaff or panty girdle, nut up, and have a mature conversation.

Good luck darlin'

[adrienner99]

Well, there damn well is something to fear...you tell her everything and she may decide it's just not for her...she doesn't want to live with it...most of us face this, at one level or another... I will say that sometimes if we act like CDing is not some perversion to be hidden from the world, if we act like it really isn't anything harmful or shameful, sometimes other people will surprise us and realize IT ISNT some awful thing to be ashamed of....but it's a very personal choice and I urge to weigh your feelings for her and the risk of losing her...It damn well can happen....

[Brynna M]

Thanks Ladies,

I know the conversation has to happen. I'm just trying to get past my own fear. I hadn't considered that my own fear could effect her perception. I suppose its somewhat easier since she knows the basics of it. I guess I need to let her know that the issue she knew wasn't going away has been on my mind more. I think I would give up CDing if I really could for her. I know that just wont happen, it is an inescapable part of me that I wouldn't be the person she knows without. I can pray we can figure it out.

I appreciate everyone's advice. Even if I already know that answer it feels good to talk about it.

Peace and best wishes.

[MissJoanne]

Here's the way I view what we do: I'm an engineer who works with electrical circuits. If something doesn't work the way I want it to, I can change how it's wired up and make it work how I want it to. We can't do that with people, and personally speaking, it would be a terrible world if we could.

I have been doing this on and off for, I think, 43 years. It may subside again, but it will come back again. Only you can decide how to play this. I wish you both well on the path ahead.

[Brynna M]

MissJoanne,

Funny you mention it. I'm also an electrical engineer. I like understanding things and having them do what I expect. Its frustrating to not be able to "engineer" my way to a solution. But as you said that unpredictability is what makes people more than the sum of their parts (so to speak)

[MissJoanne]

You're right. Our work has logic to it. How people "work" often doesn't. We are what we are.

[lingerieLiz]

Besides don't ask don't tell, you need to understand what she is thinking. Does she think that once you are married she can change you? While many guys want their girlfriend to stay exactly the way they are the day they marry, Girls often think that once married they can shape their boyfriend into their dream guy.

[GaleWarning]

If you are afraid that you will lose your fiance when you have "the talk", don't be.
If she accepts you and you can proceed to get married and have a happy life together, you will both be happy together.
If she doesn't accept you, and the two of you break up, then both of you will be happy apart.
Trust me on this.
All the best.