Question - pink fog vs. not pink fog

[PaulaQ]

How do you feel when you are not CD / not in the pink fog?

I've heard some describe themselves as a little agitated and moody. Would some of you who experience this characterize it a little?

When I'm in the pink fog - I feel absolutely euphoric. I mean - I feel just great. Happy, content. I have a very pleasant inner glow. It's awesome. That outfit in the store window looks so cute - all is right with the world. CD'ing brings this on.

Much of the rest of the time I feel *severe* anxiety. Like I'm going to the dentist for a root canal from an IRS auditor type anxiety. I feel absolutely doomed - hopeless, lost. This is on top of a healthy does of mental conflict of "I wanna dress" / "Oh no you don't".

So I've figured out that mostly my attitudes and view of the world during the pink fog are probably not real and not very reliable. (For one thing, I don't look remotely as good as I feel. I'm also finding it also hard as hell to resist too.) The other side of the coin though - I'm wondering what that is about, and deciding it probably isn't very real either. I am most likely not actually doomed. Although it's really, really nasty, and it sure feels real.

If nothing else, these two rather extreme sets of feelings are making it hard for me to figure out what in the hell I'm actually experiencing and feeling. I absolutely do not understand my feelings right now. Not even a little bit. This is not usual for me.

Is this typical? Thoughts anyone? Suggestions?

[Brenda79135]

Paula
Take a deep breath, now take another deep breath. The multiple feeling you are having are common amoungst everyone. Trying to figure them out is difficult. The best place to start is how do you want to feel? I personaly want to feel that I am in control of myself. If I feel confused, I try to determine what is causing the confusion, the root cause of the feeling. Once I have found the root cause, I ask myself 'Why is there really in confusion about this?' I am in control and I will feel the way I want to. Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember it is all small stuff.

[Emma Beth]

Since I got back into dressing, I haven't gone without something feminine on i.e. panties, bra, etc. underneath. That's as drab as I get now.

I can say that before I got back into this; I felt, not normal like something had been missing as though I had amputated a limb and it needed to grow back.

The Pink Fog has made me feel a wholeness that I haven't ever experienced before. Each time I am able to express a little bit more of the girl inside the more content and complete I feel, and that is something I feel like I can't do without.

Lotta hugs,
Jamie

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
Do what Brenda says, and don't overthink the situation.

[PaulaQ]

Paula
Take a deep breath, now take another deep breath. The multiple feeling you are having are common amoungst everyone. Trying to figure them out is difficult. The best place to start is how do you want to feel? I personaly want to feel that I am in control of myself. If I feel confused, I try to determine what is causing the confusion, the root cause of the feeling. Once I have found the root cause, I ask myself 'Why is there really in confusion about this?' I am in control and I will feel the way I want to. Don't sweat the small stuff, and remember it is all small stuff.

1. Are you saying that I should just give in to the pink fog? It isn't entirely real, that concerns me.
2. What I feel is split in two, with each half convinced that the other one is going to kill it - that literally no matter what choice I make, part of me is going to die.
3. I feel a great deal of concern that I won't be well accepted in this community. I'm handicapped. I'm used to rejection. Why will this be any different than any other part of my life has ever been? (Why would this be any worse then? I dunno. I feel more vulnerable about this, I guess.) I am VERY afraid of this.
4. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to hurt a bunch of people (my immediate family) and destroy the life I have now all for a dream that I won't really be able to experience because of my physical limitations. Losing everything and gaining nothing is a frightening prospect.
5. Part of me feels trapped / compelled to dress. It's immensely enjoyable. Part of me hates feeling trapped. I certainly feel like an addict, in many ways.

I am completely consumed with this stuff. I do not know who I am, really, anymore. Am I a girl? Am I the male part of my personality that's carried me all these years? Both? Neither? Who am I? On a scale of 1-10, my emotional distress is at about a 12 to 15 the last few days. Is this typical, and will pass?

I am somewhat worried that I am too old, too rigid, and have too much emotional baggage from the past to survive this change. I've spent lots of time in the past trying to deal with said emotional baggage. A LOT of time. It is what it is. Maybe this will be the piece of the puzzle that finally makes it all make sense?

Anyway - reality check - is what I'm experiencing normal, or am I off in the weeds? I can't objectively tell at this point.


Do what Brenda says, and don't overthink the situation.

Overthinking is what I do. You may as well tell a duck not to quack. :)

[NV Susan]

I haven't been out of the "pink fog" in so long......:brolleyes:

[Joanne f]

Everyone likes to feel good about themselves inside and outside regardless of how you think you might look and about all the things around them , you have found like many others that cross dressing has this effect on you , dressing is in a way such a simple thing yet it has this power of the feel good factor so it can be a little bit difficult to understand why or how it makes you feel so good about yourself and everything else , it works like a drug and once you have taken it you want more which in a way is understandable so when you cannot have it you have a reaction to it and like a drug it can get to a point where you do not know whether you need it or just want it but I suspect in most case's it is a bit of both , you just have to learn how to control that desire for the good feelings by knowing that you will get them but you can't have them all the time , mined you , you can get to a point of wearing what you like all the time in which case you will no doubt fall back from a pink fog into just being happy which can't be bad.

[Brynna M]

Disclaimer ( I still havn't resolved my Cd issues so I claim no authority there but it sounds something like my experience with depression so I'll extrapolate from that.)

I think that you are just reacting overly strongly to not being in the place that fits you. Crossdressing is one of the aspects of your life that truly fits you. When your not doing that then life is naturally a drag or a let down. This is true of everybody the musician who works as a waiter, the lawyer who really loves cooking etc. The trick is to not let being outside of your perfect place eat you alive inside. That's harder for some than others crossdresser or no.

Don't think so black and white. Its ok to be a crossdresser and a bunch of other things. If other parts of your life that are important to you and might be damaged by overindulging in crossdressing, enjoy the pink fog but keep it on a leash just like any other person with a passion that for practical reasons can't consume their life.

So IMO your feeling while in the pink fog are real. If somethings make you feel great by definition that feeling is real. Your feelings of "let down" in the rest of your life are also real but I think you are giving them too much weight so that they end up feeling like total despair.

[MissJoanne]

Pink Fog. What a great name for what I'm experiencing right now. Tomorrow is a day out for me, so I'm running things through my mind....what outfit? What undies? Which shoes....the list goes on. It'll all come together, but the getting there has its challenges.

[ReluctantDebutant]

When it is foggy out it is not the best time to make a navigational decision. That can go for a boat, a plane, a walk in the woods, or ones life. It is best to wait for the sun to shine to see things more clearly. To feel like your natural self you don't need to be in a "Pink Fog" that would be like saying being in a room full of helium is only when my natural voice can be heard or being in a room full of nitrousoxide is only when i can naturall laugh at things I find funny.

The Pink fog usually passes and it is best to make decisions when it breaks. You have alot of facts to weigh and it doesn't hurt to overthink (this is your life its important). I did the same weighing and overthinking about my Crossdressing and still doing it. You have to side with what is more natural to you. How do you feel with out the stimuli from the pink fog. I have found that the stress that the pink fog relieves is only the stress that it is causing. So I quit... I didn't quit cross-dressing. I quit the pink fog. I quit letting myself giving into urges. I quit believing the fantasies the the pink fog would generate. I quit letting it run my life. It was hard at first but over time like anything else it becomes easier with practice.

[Tracii G]

I agree don't over think it.
I feel girly all the time so fog is a non issue.

[PaulaQ]

Dressing, even a little, gets rid of the anxiety. I had actually a pretty good day today, other than wanting stuff at the mall I couldn't buy with my wife. Other than that, I had a really good day with her. And yet I was really anxious all day. I mean, feeling of impending doom anxious.

After she went to bed, I put on some pantyhose, and after just a little bit felt pretty relaxed. This is hard to take.

[traci_k]

Paula,
I don't remember, does your wife know and how accepting is she? Remember you're not alone in your marriage, you have to think of her feelings. My wife told me if I wanted to marry a woman, I wouldn't have married a man, you.
So what do you want from crossdressing? Is it a sexual thing? You're wife would feel shortchanged ther. Her thought could be something like "Am I not enough? Causeing her fears of inadequacy. Do you want to feel pretty? Many of us have feelings of inadequacy and we can assuage them by changing, at least in some fantasy time, of feeling better about ourselves. Then comes the letdown of reality - just like when we would sober up after drinking. Reality is still there.
Do you want to change your reality? You ask the question - Am I a Woman? Now you're getting into a whole new area? This is where you could lose everything. Some of thegirls who transitioned here had supportive spouses, but that is the exception, not the rule. You probably wouldn't lose the support of the people here, but what of your wife and friends? That is the big question. What would you lose and what would you gain? And is it worth it?
In other posts and haven't seen you wonder about having GID and considering transitioning, so that's probably the worst case scenario which probale isn't going to occur.
Now you've got to figure out how much you want to CDpart time?Full Time? You need to talk to your wife and work out boundries.
There, now you got a few more things to think about.
Paula, FWIW I'm in your corner.
Hugs

[Nikki50/50]

The 'Pink Fog'...it has an ebb and flow. Comes and goes, but never truly goes away.
It is something that is just there. That something extra that comes with being who
we are as crossdressers, which non-crossdressing males can never really know. Enjoy it.
When the tide comes in fast, surf the wave. When the tide is out, sunbathe a bit,
and catch the next wave. You don't need to be dressed for it to be there, or to
enjoy it (I'll admit; dressing does help. Alot. lolol).

[Amy Fakley]

If I'm ever a bar tender, I'm going to create a drink called "Pink Fog" (if there isn't one already, it's just a perfect name for one).

In all seriousness though, when it comes to the fog, I have only one bit of advice: enjoy it, but always be aware of when you're in it.

It is a disconnection from reality, and a completely enjoyable one. I'm not criticizing, believe me.

For me it's usually like this. I'll have maybe a week (or if I'm lucky, maybe even two), where I can live for all intents and purposes full-time. As time progresses, it begins to feel more and more natural, which is (and I'm sure everyone agrees), simply wonderful. But towards the end, I begin to lose perspective. Those $90 pumps seem completely reasonable (even though they aren't, and I'm gonna have some 'splainin to do when my wife is all like "WTF did you spend $90 on at Macy's while I was out of town?").

I begin to rationalize things in my mind which are simply not rational. NO, as a matter of fact it probably isn't such a hot idea to go for a walk en femme at 2AM at the that downtown park. YES, if I go shop the makeup isle at my neighborhood grocery store, someone who I know WILL probably see me. etc, etc, etc.

The deeper I get into the fog, the easier it becomes to rationalize do very risky things I would never normally consider. The thought process that leads to making these decisions is not based on objective reality, and the consequences can be devastating when the fog wears off. I've come so close to doing some seriously stupid things.

As others have said. Take a step back, relax. Let go of some of the urgency you're feeling. Realize that some of that urgency is probably originating from reasoning that isn't fully grounded in objective reality. Take a breather, get your perspective back. Then dive right back in, LOL :-)

[PaulaQ]

Paula,
I don't remember, does your wife know and how accepting is she?

Doesn't know. Probably won't accept. I hope for the best, but I know this will be tough for her. I don't know if we'll survive this. I hope so. But regardless, this will likely be very, very hard for her.


Remember you're not alone in your marriage, you have to think of her feelings.

Oh yeah, I know. I'm terrified of hurting her, destroying her world, killing the happiness she has in life. I don't want to change her life for the worse.



So what do you want from crossdressing? Is it a sexual thing? You're wife would feel shortchanged ther. Her thought could be something like "Am I not enough? Causeing her fears of inadequacy.

I don't know. I don't think it's mostly a sexual thing. It started that way - I'll be honest. Mostly though now, it is not a sexual thing. There is a certain amount of eroticism in it - but mostly I just end up feeling relaxed - "normal." The fact that it's probably not just a sex thing scares me more than you can imagine.


Do you want to feel pretty? Many of us have feelings of inadequacy and we can assuage them by changing, at least in some fantasy time, of feeling better about ourselves. Then comes the letdown of reality - just like when we would sober up after drinking. Reality is still there.
Do you want to change your reality? You ask the question - Am I a Woman? Now you're getting into a whole new area? This is where you could lose everything. Some of thegirls who transitioned here had supportive spouses, but that is the exception, not the rule. You probably wouldn't lose the support of the people here, but what of your wife and friends? That is the big question. What would you lose and what would you gain? And is it worth it?

There is a part of me that's female, inside me. She wants to live. Giving her a name, and letting her talk on the forums was very powerful. Putting a wig on, and putting on makeup made her feel alive. She wants to live. She has felt imprisoned for most of my life. Part of my problem is I don't want my male life to end.

I'm having a hard time imagining what I'll get out of this that will be "worth it" compared to what I stand to lose. Unfortunately, I'm really scared that what may be "worth it" is not feeling completely miserable, terrified, and doomed.


In other posts and haven't seen you wonder about having GID and considering transitioning, so that's probably the worst case scenario which probale isn't going to occur.

I'm scared this is what may be happening to me. (I dunno, I've read threads, what I'm experiencing doesn't sound exactly like what I've read so far. However, the feelings of anxiety I have are substantially worse than what most girls here seem to describe.) I'm too scared to ask these questions yet though. I am so afraid.


Now you've got to figure out how much you want to CDpart time?Full Time? You need to talk to your wife and work out boundries.

I don't know where I'll end up. I'm scared of this too. I am increasingly uncomfortable not being dressed. The idea of going mostly 24/7 is completely impractical for me, and scares me. I'm worried that I am going to go through real emotional pain not doing that too. This is happening to me really fast, and it scares the hell out of me.

I hope, when I eventually tell my wife about this, that there are boundaries we can agree on. I'd settle for a little time and DADT. (I hope I can survive on that - I am really scared.)



Paula, FWIW I'm in your corner.
Hugs

Thanks.

[PaulaQ]

As others have said. Take a step back, relax. Let go of some of the urgency you're feeling. Realize that some of that urgency is probably originating from reasoning that isn't fully grounded in objective reality. Take a breather, get your perspective back. Then dive right back in, LOL :-)

Yeah, I know the pink fog is at least partly a delusional state. I've got a better handle on that. I also know the anxiety I feel isn't real either. (Or is at least 10x worse than reality dictates.) Hopefully what I'm feeling is mostly old fashioned guilt. I don't think that's all of it though. Going between two states of mind that aren't well grounded in reality is tough right now. I'm having trouble being objective because I just feel like I have no stable frame of reference.

I'm going to talk to a therapist this week.

[sometimes_miss]

I feel 'normal' dressed as a girl. Guy mode is a 'uniform' I wear to do a job, whether at work, or going out to do social things, shopping, working on the car, doctors visits, etc.. I can easily tolerate wearing my 'guy uniform' as long as girl remains the norm for much of the time. Guy mode becomes irritating when it's all I have for extended periods of time, such as going weeks at a time only being a guy. Leisure time spent dressed as a guy isn't any more comfortable to me than if it were spent, say, in a hazmat suit or deep sea diving outfit with the giant metal helmet; maybe if I painted them pink? Hmmmm. food for thought.

[Asche]

I feel 'normal' dressed as a girl. Guy mode is a 'uniform' I wear to do a job, whether at work, .... Leisure time spent dressed as a guy isn't any more comfortable to me than if it were spent, say, in a hazmat suit or deep sea diving outfit with the giant metal helmet; ...
Other than that I don't see myself as "dressed as a girl," this pretty much describes me, too.

And I do feel like my "male clothes" are like a suit of armor. Useful protection when I have to wade into "battle," i.e., the world of masculine expectations, but smelly, uncomfortable, and exhausting.

Some men come home and immediatly take off their tie and suit to relax. I come home from work and immediately change into a skirt or a dress.

[PaulaQ]

Update. I'm much better today I'm neither floating along in the pink fog, nor feeling vast anxiety. I've decided to stop fighting with myself in my mind., and that takes a heap of stress of me, at least for now. Maybe the empire (or my male persona) will strike back. I don't think so though, he's a pretty nice guy.

For now I still need him anyway, I'm not ready to come out. I have no idea how that will work out. I have no idea how a lot of stuff will work out. But I feel better anyway. I'm a girl, go figure.

[Anne2345]

Whatever you do, do not over think it!! Just put your brain on autopilot, and have fun with your CDing!! Don't give that pink fog a second thought!! :straightface:

You have a lot of questions. Given that, you are doing the right thing delving into your issues, how you feel, and what you think. Do not be afraid to do so. It can be quite hard doing so. It can take time. It can be among the most difficult things you ever do, depending on who you really are.

In the end, maybe it will be quite easy. Maybe it won't be any problem at all. I sure hope so for you.

But there is only one way to find out, and that is to continue to explore yourself in the manner in which you are doing. And don't let anyone tell ya any different . . . .