Art and Life as TS

[Beth-Lock]

There is art, including autobiographical writing, and life, complete with the conflicts that are so real in the life of anyone with acute gender issues, above all, like TS. It is common to talk in the theory of art, as the artist's work being the process of expression of inner feelings, intuitions or experiences about something.

Our life, as TS, TG or CD, is something similar since it is generally intimately connected with the process of self-expression. In the process of coming out and solidifying ones identity as TS, TG or CD, it may be mainly our experience own that is being expressed, but this process of self-expression seems healthy and a part of our life and development, one hopes one leading to progress in self-fulfillment. The self-fulfillment aspect of life was captured by the psychologist A. Maslow, who talked of higher needs, which can be as much a motivation, as lower much as needs like food and shelter, and of course, that human need so surrounded in controversy, sex.

Perhaps analysis of the nature of this self-expression, would clarify the way we live, and cope with our identity issues.
The whole matter was drawn to my attention by something another member posted, and for the second time. This time it was as follows:


yes its self acceptance for sure -- and its more
its your expression of yourself as yourself ... that is giving you this feeling...it is a taste of what its like to live authentically -- its proof that what you are experiencing is real.

The point is that this is both a part of the drive to change, to get further into the CD or TG or TS life, and makes one feel good. The explanation of why it makes one feel good, is that of self-expression, which is always good. Critics of the transsexual way of life, sued to call this sort of thing a deviant fantasy, and dismiss it as similar to many antisocial fantasies, like the urge to kill in anger or for another example, merely drive one's car so fast as to be careless. Certainly entirely different interpretations, when the experience of self-expression is framed withing quite different frames of reference.

(Perhaps one might put aside, as a separate issue, the reasons for choosing which frame of reference, a positive or negative one, for understanding the same phenomenon through quite different frames of reference.)

In the thread that this is taken from, another member draws attention to another type of expression, that of indulging in the love of another aspects of gender issues, the love of contemplating, and generally just thinking about and writing, etc., about, the clothing and accoutrements so symbolic of sex change, if for a few minutes of CD'ing, or a lifetime, having crossed right over the gender divide, as a TS. It might be easier to explain this form of expression, for example, as sublimated experience of cross-gender behaviour so it need not at that movement, be acted out in real life If you use such as fantasies to give satisfaction of your inclinations in the moment, even as you store up future dissatisfaction, by the repression that goes along with it, it is worth analysing as a feature of all cross-gender situation. It is important also to observe that it is also a normal part of the life of a genetic woman contemplating the impression she will make and reveling in her femininity, something that can be seen as a woman contemplates some of those lush ads in a woman's magazine for example..

The core question of the thread is: Going from your understanding and the characteristics of your experience of both types of expression, what insights can you offer about expression with cross-gender ramifications?

The application of this analysis, would be to answer another question, one much more difficult to take a detached approach to and so make a rational analysis of. Are there any aspects of the experience that confirm it is a healthy experience? Of course, contemplating the purchase of an expensive Cadillac can be good if you have lots of money and poring over the brochures and reviews it is just a matter of consumer education, but the same is a vice if you do not have the money and the thought has negative ramifications in the form of envy, the dissatisfaction of covetousness, etc. So, are such experiences value neutral in themselves, like a multipurpose tool like a knife, that can be used for good, or the dangers of its use being unnecessary risks in the hands of those individuals who do not need it.

[stefan37]

This is a timely post for me. I have been thinking this process as I have experienced it so far and why is it important to me. I have been feeling kinda stuck. But the thing is i am making forward headway, slow but progress none the less. I have exhausted my funds for electro and it is now week to week. I had some cash jobs lined up so as not to drain money from the family or marriage, but they have been postponed. I have had the anxiety creep back in but this time it is manageable, as I understand not all of it is attributable to my dysphoria. I think back to how did I travel to this location in time. A location I would have never thought I had the courage or resolve to reach. My business is reaching a critical mass. I have major capital purchases ot make to move forward and secure my wife's and mine financial future. The expenditures of such large capital sums will certainly put a crimp in my immediate plans for progression. But the thing is I am comfortable knowing that hopefully it will be a temporary setback. I will still continue to progress and experience the positive changes I have already experienced. I thrived as a male and when the pressure of life or the urge to express overwhelmed me i would crossdress and that would relieve my stress and anxiety. I had this uncontrollable urge to feminize my features as best I could without leaving any hints about my maleness, which I viewed as weakness after a lifetime of male indoctrination. I remember an incident in the late 80's when I dressed the night before and I left some traces of mascara. My co worker mentioned my eyes looked dark as if I had makeup on so I rushed inside and washed off any residue. I was mortified what he was or would have thought. This struggle went on for many years and crossdressing lost its abillity to pacify my levels of anxiety and urge to further feminize myself. It took almost losing my house and business to the recession, a fall off a roof resulting in a fractured vertebrae followed 6 months later with a colon resection, that triggered my need to self expression without concern of what others thought. I will admit it took lots of courage on my part to present with pierced ears, naill polish, and eyeliner as a male, but it did help to alleviate my anxiety. I had long hair at the time and to deflect others from thinking about my more female presentation, I cut it short and wore it spikey. It reached a head about 15 months ago and I could take my anxiety no longer, the energy it was taking to fight myself resulted in lackluster performance as a business owner and family man. the anty-anxiety meds were not working as they left me in a catatonic condition even with small doses. Today I have so much positive energy and feel so good about life. I am more involved in my business and although we are experiencing cash flow problems and I am looking at some very major capital expenditures I am extremely proud of what I have built. I interact with my family and friends on a much deeper and involved manner. My friend lost his brother a couple months ago and I had a long talk with him and the feelings i was able to convey would never have happened in the past. My business clients and friends ask me all the time why am i so positive and happy. I usually just explain I have some very positive events happening. If pushed and they are close enough I will disclose the reason for my change in personality.

As for positive affirmation this is the right path for me. Whenever I come to a fork in the road and i take the road towards transition it just feels right to me. I have given up alcohol, recreation drugs , and anti-anxiety meds for over a year now. and I feel very good about that and very powerful to me is I am experiencing no impairment. I swim 3000-3600 yards weekly. I watch what I eat and have stayed for 2 years around +- 3-5 lbs what I was. I am the healthiest physically, and mentally I have ever been. I feel good about my business and look forward to everyday as new challenges await. The acceptance even without full support of my parents and siblings could not have gone any better. Those above plus some others has provided me with very positive events and thinking I would be dead by 58 has been replaced by the belief I will live well into my 70's.

This has not come without pain and great inner guilt. My daughter in her last semester of college is feeling many pressures and is angry and not dealing with my transition well. My son while not happy is understanding and we have a solid relationship. My wife who I have known for 33+ years and love very much is almost positive she can not live with a woman and our marriage is crumbling. The only reason it is deteriorating is directly attributable to my choice to transition and introduction of hormones. She noticed more than any one else my changing body, skin texture, odor, and developing breast. Changes that freak her out. My manner of speaking is changing and she misses the old me. I know these changes are happening but to me they are more subtle, than her perception. I will have many more challenges ahead as my employees either become accustomed to my transition or leave. My business clients accept my manner of appearance and dress, they think I am kinda eccentric, so the the disclosure of transsexualism is an unknown. Name changes will be a nightmare as I belong to many professional organizations some as an officer and I hold many professional state licenses that will have to be changed. I look forward to these challenges with some trepidation but no fear. The greatest fear I had to face was the loss of my beautiful loving, wife and now that seems inevitable I have no further fears to hinder my progression except for financial and I am taking steps to solve that issue.

I am a survivor and understand my lot in life. With the perseverance I possess and the resolve I can apply to a situation when I want it bad enough will ensure I have a successful transition in the end and will be able to navigate around any elephant traps placed in front of me. "Press On" as quoted by a very respected deceased business client of mine.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i believe expressing your nature and having it reflected back at you is the most fundamental component of mitigating gender dypshoria... and therefore it is something that transitioning transsexuals will experience if successful...

It is human nature to express oneself..its a neccessary part of feeling alive...sadly, its also human nature to repress one's expression for the satistfaction of external success, acceptance and inclusion...

there was a south park that poked fun at high school musical and there was a song that had a line i'll paraphrase
"Do what you like to do, do what you want to do, be who you want be, as long as you do what everybody else does too!"...

some are blessed doing what they love, and partnering with their soul mate...never for a moment considering expressing anything but their own best self....the other 7 billion people on earth are not...


the idea of expression as art is interesting... i would love to create art..i love to create music and have learned instruments and sound engineering just so i can sit and noodle some chords and say they're mine...its exhilarating...is it art?? i don't know...i do know its my own expression and it feels good..

some of transition was exhilarating, it felt good...

I never thought of it as art
... its really interesting because, like art, i've created what to the world is a new and different person...she is a construct of the "me" that existed before...a creation

but in reality, before there really was no me, i was NOT expressing myself
HE was the construct!!! HE was the work of art, and I am the real thing...

and that's why its a good thing for me... i'm real...that's good...

for the cd, HE is the real thing and the femme side is the art... its a pretty big difference
or perhaps the person is really a gender queer person and has to think of themselves is a wholly different way...

In the end, expression is a fundamental human need... so expressing your true self is healthy...

the idea that a person covets MORE expression is just saying that person is repressing themselves...it can be their own fault or it can be the product of unfortunate circumstance...it can be a negative expereince...but the expression itself is not value neutral..

[Beth-Lock]

There is art, including autobiographical writing, and life, complete with the conflicts that are so real in the life of anyone with acute gender issues, above all, like TS. It is common to talk in the theory of art, as the artist's work being the process of expression of inner feelings, intuitions or experiences about something.
Our life, as TS, TG or CD, is something similar since it is generally intimately connected with the process of self-expression. In the process of coming out and solidifying ones identity as TS, TG or CD, it may be mainly our experience own that is being expressed, but this process of self-expression seems healthy and a part of our life and development, one hopes one leading to progress in self-fulfillment.

The point is, a theory based on expression, perhaps different theories, are conveniently based on the concept of expression. Expression, has a lot of explaining power, in both cases. Of course, I was referring at first, to fulfilling the higher needs which emerge as current concerns once the more important needs for survival, food, warmth, etc., are already taken care of. But in becoming human females or copying them our presentation as females is much more like producing a work of art, and more obviously so than with male presentation.

Getting dressed as a female, groomed and made-up as one, is quite a bit, the creation of a work of art. If you understand the need for a steady hand and following your mind's eye, to draw a certain shape of curve with pen on paper, then getting your lipstick on straight, and even more so, your eye make-up, is a concept you will already be familiar with. So will be the experience of getting it wrong due to a momentary lapse in your concentation, or a slip of the make-up applicator out of your hand.

Like a work of artistic design, lfor example, choosing typefaces for a printed piece that go together so they look well planned, and their layout on the paper, you often cannot tell if colours and styles of women's clothing go well together until you actually try putting them together. There are rules, but experience and experiment trump them. The failed experiments are a lot of the reason why getting yourself turned out as a woman, takes longer and involves more indecision and fussing, than getting dressed to go out somewhere special, as a man.

This is the superficial part of re-creating yourself as a woman. The styles and colours, choice of skirt, dress or pants, tight or comfortable items, and so on, though they take time and effort to use to perfect your look, are the easier parts of your creation of the appearnace of a woman. A layer deeper, is the personality that these choices will imply. A short skirt imoplies something, including youthfulness.

One day I went out without my usual longish and feminine, reddish/ginger colour wig, and instead just with my natural gray hair. Suddenly, the short skirts that passed as appropriate for my younger look, were now tut-tutted at by other women that passed by in public, as not suitable for the older woman that I looked, with shortish gray hair. So, I had a choice to make, continue with the younger look of the ginger wig, or the old lady look, of my gray hair. (The result was a compromise, getting my own hair coloured in about the samec youthful colour as my wig.) If I want to be authentic, maybe I should have gone with the old lady, gray hair. But, I chose to express an inner feeling of youthfulness instead. We have many options in what part of the character of a woman we wish to express, and in this way, are making a choice of our inner nature, about our character and personality, as we try to construct our female persona, and give it a form that suits us. If it is to be called authemtic, it must be expression.

But there is a complicating example to fit into this model. If the appearance you assume is merely a convenient contruct, perhaps just chosen to make a single impression, (for example for a job interview), it cannot be an authentic expression. Maybe it can be. We can choose to express different facets of ourselves, when we go to different places. If you have the time, during the day, you can change your outfit every time you go to some place different, or do something different. How different? As different as what you wear for sunbathing beside the pool, compared to what you are required to wear, a quite different outfit, for going to church on Sunday. These are complex matters, aren't they? But understanding a need for consistency, is a good antidote to the scatterbrain approach of adopting different styles indescriminately, so typival of the TS experience, especially in the early years.

[KellyJameson]

Beautiful thread Beth.

Self actualization in my mind is what it comes down to and to be self actualized as a transsexual without transitioning may not be possible.

1.The self-actualized person has more efficient perception of reality and more comfortable relations with it. He can accept the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, and he can tell the difference.

2.Acceptance of self, others, and nature. The self-actualizing person sees reality as it is and accepts responsibility for it. He is as objective as a subjective being can be in his perceptions.

3.The self-actualizing person has spontaneity, simplicity and naturalness. In other words, this kind of person is not hung up on being as others think he should be. He is a person who is capable of doing what feels good and natural for himself simply because that’s how he feels. He does not try to hurt others, but he has respect for what is good himself.

4.Problem Centering. The self-actualizing person is someone who is generally strongly focused on problems outside of himself. He is concerned with the problems of others and the problems of society, and is willing to work to try to alleviate those difficulties.

5.The quality for detachment, the need for privacy. For all his social mindedness, the self-actualizing person has a need to be by himself or a need for solitude. He enjoys times for quiet reflection and doesn’t always need people around him. He can be with the few people that he would be close to and not need to communicate with them. Their presence is sufficient in and of itself.

6.Autonomy, independence of culture and environment. The self-actualizing person is capable of doing things for himself and making decisions on his own. He believes in who and what he is.

7.Continued freshness or appreciation. The self-actualizing person experiences a joy in the simple and the natural. Sunsets are always beautiful and he seeks them out. He can still enjoy playing the games he played as a child and having fun in some of the same ways he did many years before.

8.The mystic experience, the peak experience. Self-actualizing people usually have experiences in which they literally feel they are floating. They feel very much in tune or at one with the world around them, and almost feel as if they are, for a momentary period in time, part of a different reality.

9.A feeling of togetherness. Self-actualizing people have a feeling for all of mankind. They are aware and sensitive to the people that are about them.

10.Interpersonal relations. Self-actualizing people have deeper and more profound interpersonal relations than other adults. They are capable of fusion, greater love and more perfect identification that other people could consider possible. They generally tend to have relatively few friends, but those relationships are deep and very meaningful.

11.The democratic character structures. Self-actualizing people tend to believe in the equal nature of human beings, that every individual has a right to say, and that each person has his strengths and each person has his weaknesses.

12.Discriminating between means and ends, between good and evil. Self-actualizing people know the difference between means and ends and good and evil and do not twist them in a way that hurt themselves or others.

13.Philosophical and unhostile sense of humor. Self-actualizing people tend to enjoy humor. They like to laugh and like to joke, but not at the expense of others. They are generally seen as good natured, even though they are capable of being very serious.

14.Creativeness. Self-actualizing people are capable of being highly creative. Creativeness can be expressed in many dimensions by writing, speaking, playing, fantasies, or whatever, but self-actualizing do have moods of being creative. Maslow has said that a first-rate cook is better than a second-rate painter. Hence, creativeness can be expresses in many dimensions.

15.Resistance to inculturation, the transcendence of any particular culture. Maslow feels that the individual is above his culture in some way, that he maintains a strong individuality and is not so absorbed that he cannot evaluate the culture objectively in such a way that he can make decisions about what is best for him and those he cares about .

16.The imperfections of self-actualizing people. Self-actualizing people are individuals who are aware of the fact that they are not perfect, that they are as human as the next person, and that there are constantly new things to learn and new ways to grow. The self-actualizing person, although comfortable with himself, never stops striving.

In my opinion transitioning is an outgrowth of becoming self actualized.

I worry when it seems to be about fantasy or self hate. In my opinion it is simply the expression of the essence of self manifested into the world.

[Kathryn Martin]

Getting dressed as a female, groomed and made-up as one, is quite a bit, the creation of a work of art.

Oh my! Reading this thread made me stand quietly crying beating my head against the wall.

For women getting ready in the morning is simple. Shower, do your hair, dress, put on some makeup and out the door. Usually takes 35 minutes. It's not art, it's life. Dressing for females is not a construct to impress others (such as the older vs. younger look you described) rather it contains elements of expressiveness of mood on any given day. As it should in males, except that the framework is much more regimented. There are few implications other than to be attractive, to a special person you might go out on a date with, an appropriate dress for a job interview, the opera, a restaurant, a beer garden, the grocery store.

For me there is no "creation of the appearance as a woman"; it's not a production, a clever bit of subterfuge.

Kelly, I was somewhat confounded by your use of pronouns in your comment.

[Beth-Lock]

Oh my! ... It's not art, it's life. Dressing for females is not a construct to impress others...
For me there is no "creation of the appearance as a woman"; it's not a production, a clever bit of subterfuge.

I think I was trying to stretch the grooming/dressing as a woman to cover the particular cases of, for example, a CD, especially, one preparing to go out, and a TG/TS in the learning phase of the RLE, or still adapting to the social part of transition. Daily dressing is as you say, a lot more routine and there is never enough time to do a major makeover on yourself all the time anyway, unless you belong to the leisure class, and that is all you have to do.

Art is not life and life is not art? I guess this is the sort of thinking you don't share with me. Women who dress with flare and using artistic principles plus a sense of artistic creativity would be my role model.

Truth is beauty and beauty is truth, that is all ye know and all ye need to know. (Quote of a famous English poetry professor, as best I recall it from memory). And of course one hopes what one is 'expressing' is truth.

[Kathryn Martin]

Just to give you my reality, German is my first language, I immigrated to Canada at age 30; if you had gone to The Every Day (http://kathryndumke.blogspot.ca/), my blog, you would know my love for poetry and writing it.

There is no artifice in dressing every morning not even for French women. On this board you have to be so very careful in using devices to make a point. Our lives are so fundamentally real that it might be taken literally. And according to your last comment that would be a shame.

[Beth-Lock]

Kathryn, I owe you an apology for making false and facile assumptions, and I do apologize, though I did make them only in jeste. But I still don't agree with you.

[Barbara Ella]

This has been a wonderful thread to read, contemplate, and integrate. Admittedly i do have problems with some creations being termed art, rather than just social commentary, but it is art nonetheless. Art is an expression trying to bring out the inner sense the artist has in his topic. I also believe that some of the finest art is the simplest, both in execution and expression. Therefore, i see the beauty/art in the simplest act of a woman preparing herself for a day of battle, so to speak. The intent may not be to create a lasting work for posterity, but in that fleetingness there is beauty in something that will not repeat itself, but which must be enjoyed only in the moment.

Now i need to find my moment.

Barbara