Confusing times.

[ashleymasters]

I have been cross dressing in one form or another for most of my life. I have been on positive terms with it for a few years now. And in the last two years I've really honed my craft. Now I'm feeling really confused. Sometimes I think I want more. Maybe I would like to become a woman not just dress as one. I'm terrified of that thought because I have a wife and children that I love dearly. I also don't know if I really want it. I'm so unsure of anything. I don't know what to do.

[~Joanne~]

I think a lot of girls go through this thought process every now and then. Confusion about this whole thing creeps up on me from time to time. Next week you may not feel the same as you did this week. Just make sure you are absolutely positive about this before you ruin your family life. If you just can't live with things as they are then maybe transitioning is for you but if you can then maybe it's not. Don't don't anything harsh in haste is all I am saying.

[Maria in heels]

Ashley...I think that it is because we have suppressed our inner feelings for so long that when we open up a little bit, these feelings come rushing out and we don't know what to do. I would say to slow down, take your time, and what you think or feel will settle itself out. Please don't be impulsive, and just act on the moment...take your time and search out what you are truly comfortable with, and then, and only then, go with it

[Beverley Sims]

I think you are just wanting to do something different and have hit a flat spot.
Just mark time for a while and some new idea will spring to mind.

[sandra-leigh]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but there is a big difference between "maybe I want to become a woman" and "I need to become a woman".

[Jennifer in CO]

thought the same thing Sandra.

Ashley,
I don't remember if you've posted if your wife is aware of Ashley or not. Yes you say you have children, but not their age and if they know about "Ashley" or not. That last step is quite the big one going from wanting to be a woman to needing to be one. When I transitioned back in 80, I didn't "need" to be a woman, just living as one became easier because of body changes. However that same lack of "need" made transitioning back to male in 86/87 easier as well. You really need to talk this out with those around you and possibly seek professional help (aside from all the "pros" here!). It may be that parts of Ashley need to be more prevalent in your daily life and not a full transition?

Jenn

[Tanya J]

I wonder if sometimes we get so caught up in enjoying the feminine part of our personality so much we forget that the male side of ourselves is probably part of our desire to be so feminine. If you think about it we as crossdressers are hardwired to not only be attracted to women, we also emulate them. I cant help but believe that the two are tied together in many ways. I am not attempting to fit you into a mould that many cd's are supposed to follow, just an observation that i dont think many of us could fully enjoy our feminine side without the presence of our male self.

[melissakozak]

Ashley,

It is often difficult for us to sort out exactly WHO we are, what we WANT and what we NEED. I capitalized those three words because WHO, WANT and NEED are very, very different, concepts that I shall attempt to address. First, some facts. Do you enjoy being male, presenting as male and having a male life in any way? If the internal answer to the question is an emphatic NO, then that is telling with regard to WHO you are--possibly TS vs. CD. Is your gender dysphoria creating internal strife and conflict? Do you feel like your BODY and MIND are connected? This, too, can help guide you down the road as to who you are....but many of these questions are best left in the hands of a qualified therapist who can guide you through the WHO you are concepts. Your WANTS may be to only dress up every once in awhile. You may want to go out, etc. Your NEEDS are a different matter altogether. If you feel you NEED to do a particular thing regarding your trans life in order to feel emotionally happy, then this is where the rubber really meets the road. Being female, presenting as female and being out and about in public are my emotional needs as a transwoman, and make no mistake about it, that is how I self identify. It is WHO I am. For the most part, I present as male at work and at home, but my NEEDS are that once a week, my life is part-time female. Only YOU can figure out exactly WHO you are, and it takes asking the right questions and answering them honestly. My therapist asked me if I would transition if I had no family and there were no social consequences. My answer was not clear cut, and THAT means my NEEDS are probably going to continue to be met living my life the way I have chosen to live it...with a very outwardly normal male life and a very vibrant, part-time trans life. I don't underdress and frankly find most feminine attire to be a royal pain in the butt...I use the clothing as a means to an end and not an end in itself. What does crossdressing actually DO for you? For me, it allows me to physically present a big part of how I self identify. For some of us, this is not the case. In your case, you have a wife and kids....so do I...and transition means their lives will be affected profoundly IF that is what you NEED to do to be happy. Many of my friends who have transitioned have experienced at least some loss in family and friendships due to non-acceptance, etc. That is a cold, hard reality. BUT my friends are also living the life they NEEDED to live to be happy.

Wanting MORE from your crossdressing may just be that...that you want more and you are NOT TS. Honing the craft of crossdressing is an internal, personal achievement, and accepting who you are is important. Wanting more for many of us means HRT, a partial transition, or living full time, etc. If the confusion is causing you a lot of angst, I would seek a qualified gender therapist who you can share all of trans life with to help you get some ground underneath your feet. Having a trans life is not easy, whether or not you transition because you either leading a double life or choosing to leave one type of life behind and forge ahead to a new one...all of us are on a journey of self discovery, and at times it is confusing and painful, may your road be blessed with peace....Melissa.

[Rachel Morley]

I don't mean to sound harsh, but there is a big difference between "maybe I want to become a woman" and "I need to become a woman".
Good point. In my own case, I found the more I dressed, the more time I spent "in the role", the more natural and normal it felt to be tat way, which then lead me to start thinking the way you are doing now, maybe I should transition ... but as Sandra-Leigh says, wanting and needing are not the same, and so when I started to think about what full time might actually mean I realized that (for me) I would lose too much.

[flatlander_48]

I'm so unsure of anything. I don't know what to do.

There is absolutely no need to rush into anything. These are major issues and ofttimes people can take years to sort out what it is they need to do. Given the possible consequences for you, and others, this is not the decision of a moment.

[sandra-leigh]

I believe that in an ideal world, a male would be able to live as female if he wanted to. (I guess there might have to be some controls of some kind to prevent this being used to spy on (semi-) naked women.) But in the present world, when you start calculating in costs such as family and social and economic effects, those costs may have to be balanced out by some fairly strong "want", or by "need" rather than "want".

Also, my personal experience has been that I do not seem to have any real desire to "[Hone] the craft of crossdressing". For me the female part is a "need" at the self-identity level, and not so much of it is driven by how I appear to others. Oh, parts of it, yes, I am conscious about how I appear to others, like my long hair. And my thoughts about the ideal size of my breasts often get intertwined with the "cue" given off -- but at the same time I really needed breasts for myself and I was suffering a fair bit internally for not having them. I cannot, though, find it in myself to study the best eyeshadow effects (for example), because what is inside my brain is a whole lot more important to me than trying to present an "illusion". Appearance is not identity! (though certainly it is much easier to get others to reflect the identity back to you if you match what they expect for appearance.)

[kimdl93]

There an all or nothing implied in your statements. That's a mistaken idea. It's true that some TS people do feel the absolute need to transition, but for many TG people, it's entirely possible to find a comfortable place somewhere in between. My question is, have you told your wife about your dressing. The middle path is far more workable and enjoyable if you have an informed, accepting and participating spouse.