Avoided purging... for now

[Marcy]

I'm a pretty recent active crossdresser, and after building up my wardrobe (breast forms, slacks, blouses, wigs, lots of shoes, great bras and panties, skirts, dresses, full make-up, lighted mirror, and my favorite - custom nail solution nails), I went a bit overboard when my wife was traveling and got guilty and started to purge everything, but after reading posts on this sites I managed to stop the purge an package everything up and hide it above my garage. I'm glad I did, but I am feeling the urge to bring it down, but my wife is home all the time. I'm a bit emotional about this. I have all the equipment and I like to CD, but I don't want to come out to my wife. How do others cope with these feelings?

Marcy

[traci_k]

I've done it before. Don't do it and avoid Purger's Remorse.
Hugs

[Jenni Yumiko]

I couldn't live a lie anymore and came out to her. It's been up and down so far, but I think I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[RADER]

You are a smart person; hiding everything in a box in the Garage is the best,
and most economical way of purging. That way after a period of time, you can
save all the cost of repurchasing everything again.
I know that I have a few rather old things that I could never replace, even if
I wanted to.
Good Luck.
Rader

[Jenniferathome]

... but I don't want to come out to my wife. How do others cope with these feelings? Marcy

Why don't you want to come out to your wife? Wouldn't life be simpler if she knew and you didn't have to hide?

[Rachelakld]

Secrets are not fun for any marriage.

When you don't CD, you may find yourself getting grumpy and un able to explain your feelings to your wife.
If you go out to CD, she will think your having an affair and start looking for clues, when she finds your clothes she will think your meeting men for sex.
Until you ask for her permission to wear stocking on cold nights, or leggings at home because they are "more comfortable", or accidently find a blog page like mine and ask for her oppinion, I think you will just keep doing what you have always done.

Best of luck either way
Rachel

[lingerieLiz]

Life is tough isn't it. I have no idea what is right for you or how long you have been married. Would you want your wife to keep a secret of this magnatude from you. If you don't tell her and she finds out she may well feel betrayed that you couldn't trust her with the truth.

Many of the members here have gone through this. Some held the secret for years and as you can read their mariages stayed or failed. But, many had the agony of hiding it for years and some still do as you are doing.

[cassexy]

well this thread is apt, as we do not know, how much is too much, until we realize, we have brought more than we can handle,now is only use what is there

[PaulaQ]

I have all the equipment and I like to CD, but I don't want to come out to my wife. How do others cope with these feelings?


I can sympathize, and am in much the same boat. Why don't you want to tell your wife? Are you pretty sure she won't accept this? What reason do you have to think that? People can surprise you.

There are three usual outcomes here:
1. Don't tell her - find ways to be sneaky. If you are good, or she's unobservant, you don't get caught. You live a lie. Lots of us are in this situation.
2. Tell her - she accepts this, at least to some extent. (Typical outcome "don't ask, don't tell". She pretends this doesn't happen, you don't rub it in her face.)
3. Tell her - she can't handle it, and you split up.

[rachelgirlnw1]

hi marcy,

I've been there. My wife travels oversees sometimes and I'll get a week or more at times to enjoy being femme. I've also hit some guilt after several days and thought "what am I doing??" and want to purge. My advice is, if you are in that spot and nothing helps and you are going to purge, then get rid of something that you'll miss, but not too much or something you can later replace. Talk to anybody who has dressed for a while and we'll all tell you "I threw out this one (fill in the blank) and I regret it". I think it's a right of passage. ;) Honestly, you're wise to box it all up and put it away for a while if you aren't out to your wife.

Now regarding getting it back out when you're wife is in-town, just be careful and pick your moments wisely! :)

rachel

p.s. PM me if you want to chat more...

[Veronica Lacey]

Tough to know what to do after so much time has passed. I disclosed my penchant for dressing a few weeks after I met my wife so she has known all along. She does not particularly like it but at lest she knows and politely says no problem so long as she does not see me dressed.

Storing rather than purging is indeed best. Maybe keep one or two items handy to stave off feelings of yearning so long as they are well tucked away?

[AllyCDTV]

I assume you have good reason to believe that it would put your marriage in great peril if your wife found out. That is where I'm at also. For me it's a matter of understanding the value of delayed gratification and risk management. When I can't CD, I simply don't think about it so much and occupy my attention with other things. When the time is right and things fall in place, I can really enjoy myself and find the wait is well worth it.

[sandra-leigh]

Send your wife to get a mani/pedi, and take advantage of the time to move your items off-site.

[Diane Lynn]

Tell your wife. My first wife divorced me when she found out. I told my SO shortly after we met, and after I told her, it was not as bad as what she thought I was going to tell her. It is a part of you. It is who you are.

[Cheryl T]

I couldn't live a lie anymore and came out to her.

That's my story too. It just got to be too much with all the hiding and sneaking and I had to tell her to keep my sanity. For me it worked out like a dream. She is fully accepting, participates willingly and we go everywhere together frequently.
You never know what the response will be but at some point many of us need to find out.

[Mollyanne]

I guess I'll throw in my "2 cents" about this as well. Hiding a secret is not a good way to insure a lasting, loving marriage. Informing her of your cd'ing is a scarey situation all by itself and you need to assess her tolerance, her acceptance, and her forgiveness for you not informing her previously. Informing her is not an easy situation and I suggest that you do your homework. I wouldn't just blurt out about your cd'ing but rather give it to her in small doses and be prepared for questions. Answer all her questions honestly without going into to much detail. It may also help if after speaking with her you could suggest sitting down and viewing this site together or she could view it alone. Just be patient and compromise whenever necessary. Good Luck to you!!!!!

Molly

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marcy,

Rule #1. never purge.

Rule #2. If you feel the need to purge see rule #1. AGAIN!!

[kimdl93]

You can try to hide this from your wife, but expect that your secret will become known. It's a risky business hiding things from your wife.you risk losing here trust forever. It would be better to come out to her in a planned and thoughtful manner.

[Beverley Sims]

Definitely don't purge, find a way to dress by going away in fishing and camping trips.

[Stephanie47]

I went back to your introductory thread-early 50's. I don't know how long you've been married. Sometimes the length of the marriage and the strength of the marriage makes a difference in whether a wife will accept, tolerate or fill out. You alone can gauge your wife's reaction. Every CDer with limited en femme time gets antsy when there is no time for self expression.

Don't purge. But, also, don't overindulge. If you have some alone time, take advantage of it as best as you can. When you have time, coordinate and ensemble that you may want to wear. Get together and store in a separate box an 'emergency' ensemble of dress, heels, hosiery, under garments, wig. That way, when you do have some time, you do not have to waste time rummaging through your stash coordinating your look. You reach for the box and it's all there.

In my early years I I only had limited time on Sunday's for three hours. It may have relieved some stress, but, it was like a tease--I wanted more. When my kids were in school and my wife was working, then I had at least six hours.

I will agree telling your wife MAY be the answer. But, it always seemed strange that a wife would vacate her home so the CD-er can indulge in something she may not approve.

Hope your wife gets an eight hour a day job, so you can call in a sick or 'therapy/mental health' day.

[Marcy]

Thanks for all the great comments everyone. I have some thinking to do, but for now I'm glad I didn't purge.

Marcy

[I Am Paula]

To all those who keep saying that they can't come out to their wives. Let's hear some reasons! Be honest. Expiring minds want to know.-Celeste

[PaulaQ]

To all those who keep saying that they can't come out to their wives. Let's hear some reasons! Be honest. Expiring minds want to know.-Celeste

Reasons: (I am eventually going to come out to her, btw)
1. Between being with my wife for >20 years, and hearing comments she's made about CD, I am about 90% certain that she won't accept this. (I don't want to lose her - she is the one true love of my life. However, I don't care what happens to me so much, because I brought this on myself.)

2. Even if she does accept it at some level because we have a really, really good marriage, this will likely be a real trial for her. This will hurt.

3. She will feel betrayed and lied to - I know everything about her, when I tell her, she will feel I've deceived her (true), and that she doesn't know me (partially true). My wife values honesty above everything else. She will likely NEVER understand why I couldn't tell her. This alone may end our marriage.

4. Bottom line of all the above - whether she accepts me and stays with me, or leaves me, this is almost certainly going to cause her ENORMOUS emotional pain. This need I have is going to hurt her. Maybe a little, probably a lot. This makes me hate myself more than a small amount.

5. One of our kids is getting married later this year. I'm not going to cloud what will be one of the happiest, best days of her life with my issues. It's waited this long, it'll wait until after the wedding.

6. Regardless of how this turns out for me (I really don't care what happens to me), I feel whatever choice I make will hurt her - really hurt her. Not like "oh, well, he was a flake, you'll find another husband later" kind of hurt. More like "I'll never trust anyone again" type hurt. This makes any choice tough - I don't want to hurt her.

7. BTW, even if she reluctantly accepts this - I am placing some amount of burden of secrecy on her. She hates stuff like that - she is an open book. It's possible she just isn't capable of keeping this secret, and if I'm out to her, I'm out to the world, ready or not. I'm not saying anything bad about her - she is the most open and honest person I know. Hiding stuff isn't in her nature.

8. The problem with telling her friends is that she may lose some of them over this. I know many of them will NOT accept this. This is a rural, conservative area. Our friends are good people - but acceptance for this stuff ain't happening here yet. Regardless of what happens to me, I feel I have a good probability of absolutely destroying a life that she loves. I've literally never seen her happier in the entire time I've known her.

9. What would I tell her? I can tell her I'm not gay. Pretty sure of that. How much do I need to dress? I dunno. Do I want HRT/SRS? I doubt I could emotionally handle that, so we'll chalk that up as "no". Do I want to dress 24/7? I dunno. Where is all this going? I dunno. Am I the same person? Mostly - I hope. I can answer 2-3 questions out of the dozen or so she'd ask. I don't have any right telling her before I understand this better myself. (I'm working on that.)

10. BTW, if this hurts her badly enough, our kids may well feel hurt / blame me. The idea of hurting my kids kills me. I'd die to protect them.

11. Maybe my kids decide they hate me too for my selfishness in all this. The idea of my kids feeling that way about me makes me want to curl up and die. I am very afraid of this. (This one is selfish, I admit.)

How're those?

The reasons I will eventually tell her are:
- the guilt of not telling her is horrible, and if she discovers this on her own, it'll be MUCH worse for her.
- I don't think I'll be able to keep it a secret forever. I'll eventually either make a mistake, or need this more frequently than can be reasonably hidden. Or both.
- As much as I know she'll hate this, I think she'll believe lying about it is still worse.

BTW, if she leaves me over this - I'll give her everything.

[phlover]

First, my immediate answer is "don't purge" because, as most of the sisters say here, your urge doesn't disappear and you would regret you discarded the precious and rare items. I also have similar experiences of purging, regretting and returning to CDing.

I totally agree with Paula. I was amazed to know that Paula has quite similar dilemmas like mine in quite a similar situation. She is in the same fix like mine in the issues of confession to wife, reaction of children and surrounding people, etc. We share similar dilemma in CDing, and I hope our open and honest talk here would suggest some kind of solution to our dilemma. For me, the degree of cross-dressing becomes intenser and more serious as years go by. Starting from wearing stocking, it has developed to wearing heels, skirts and dresses, girdles, shapers, wigs, and so on. I also don't know how it would develop and my final appearance would be.

[PaulaQ]

Since my basic advice was "keep hiding it, don't purge", lest I be accused of rationalizing my behavior, I'd like to point out that in any kind of general sense, the advice I gave: "lie a lot, and then cover it up", is horrible advice. The only justification for it is in a situation where it is the least horrible choice available. Coming clean at some point is a usually a better choice.

Lots of us have the same problems. We lied to ourselves, then we lied to the women we love. Then we stop lying to ourselves, but keep lying to our wives. It's not a good place to be.

[Donna Joanne]

First of all...NEVER NEVER NEVER purge..a room size storage locker is much better, cheaper in the long run, and could be a place for limited dressing.

Second...as far as telling the spouse/coming out; my wife fell in love and married what she thought was a 100% male when we met 16 years ago ( she is wife # 3, but Donna and my dressing were never an issue in my previous marriages) and in my opinion it would be too much of a shock to her. She has developed other mental health issues over the past 10 years, and her psyche wouldn't allow her to accept it. We also have a 10 year old daughter at home, and it is a 100% certainty if I were to come out my job and career would be over. So I continue to do what I've been doing since 1975...I dress in private whenever I can, and dream of being Donna someday 24/7. It may always remain a dream, but it is one I refuse to give up.

Keep a positive attitude, and remember...you are the only one who can really see the "girl within", and she's a warm, soft, sensual, beautiful and intelligent female, much more than the wrapper she's wrapped in!

Kisses,
Donna

[Meg East]

Don't purge. Purging is surrendering to your guilt.

I came clean about my cross dressing to remove the guilt and shame I had from my fundamental dishonesty to my wife. We did have to do the usual dance around her questions about my sexuality, gender identity and etc. Once she knew about my CDing, and over time, many of the problems our marriage had were in the past.

[cathie pantyhose]

everyone purges at least once. I've done it at least 4 or 5x's now but never again. I've recommended the boxing idea in private messages back to others and it has worked out. We all go back and it gets expensive. Stop the urge to purge. Save it all for that rainy day.....it happens to us all honey.

[Ericaxd]

I've found that purging is sort of a Hydra headed monster. Toss 1 skirt and you'll soon buy 2. We are cross dressers/transgendered people and there is nothing we can do about it.
I'm in much the same boat as Paula and others, hate it, but don't see any solution.