What to do?

[Donna Joanne]

Hi Sisters,

I need some input/advice. I recently met a full time NON OP TS who lives with her male partner for friendship and dress up time. Since I'm 100% still closeted, I need someplace I can dress and just be Donna. And when I met my new friend, I thought maybe I had finally found a a sister and best friend forever.

Now I am constantly being pressured to take this friendship into a sexual relationship with her and her male friend. I made it perfectly clear from the beginning that I intend to remain faithful to my spouse, even though she doesn't know and would not approve of Donna. I have no attraction to men, and even if in the future I would find myself transitioning into Donna full-time, I would definitely be a non op TS lesbian. I am and always have been attracted to women only. I tried once to be with a man because I thought that would make me feel more "womanly", but just didn't really want any part of it.

I like this person as a friend, but can't be the lover that she expects. Should I end our friendship, or what? Has anyone else had this type of situation develop, and if so what did you do about it? Thanks for listening.

Kisses,
Donna

[Miriam-J]

Donna,

It sounds to me as though you already know the answer to this one, Donna. You recognize your priorities well, especially with respect to your wife.

But let me offer my advice anyway ... Talk with your friend. Explain that you have to make a choice to either discontinue the relationship or continue, but only on the condition that she offer no pressure for a sexual relationship, accepting just what you have to offer. If the friendship is real and not manipulative, she'll choose the first option. But be prepared to act if she chooses option 1 but soon after resumes the pressure. It's all up to you.

Miriam

[Leah Lynn]

She may have friended you just to get into a sexual relationship. If she doesn't back off (you did tell her no), I'd look for another friend. Just my $0.02. Good luck!

Leah

[Tracii G]

I would back out and try to stay friends.

[Andy66]

Run, Donna, run.

[AllieSF]

I think that you already know what to do. I understand that it is hard to find a compatible friend to dress with and help each other out. However, since you are not into what they are into, you just need to make it clear that you are not, and if you already have done that, it is time to say "Thanks, but no thanks", and begin searching for someone else. I know it sucks to need to start all over again, but it is obviously not working. Good luck.

[ArleneRaquel]

IMO the wife comes first....RUN !!!

[PaulaQ]

Run, Donna, run.

I completely agree, this has the hallmarks of a bad situation.

[Jenniferathome]

What kind of "friend" would force this on you? Not much of a friend.

[FelicityMay]

just forget about her. you have a wife, which is much better than any friend you could ever have

[NathalieX66]

Donna, you shouldn't do anything you don't feel inclined to do.

I have plenty of gay and TS friends......I am not like them. They do what's best for them. I accept and love them unconditionally. They are not not me.

[Julogden]

She's not really a friend if she tries to force this issue with her. Do what you know is right.

Carol

[noeleena]

Hi,

Can i say as a woman id be devistated ifyou decide to go off with those you'v talked about truth, leave well alone dont even think you can remain friends because it'll allway's be there & you will be pressured into what they wont , it wont work , trust me.]

Some years ago i was asked would i have a male partner remember im a female thats intersexed so a little different yet is it,

My answer was no ..... no way ever, yes even for a woman.

The second time a dresser wonted me to jump into bed with him i said dont even touch me inapropreately because i will take you down . meaning ill deck you, no one touch's me with out my say so.

Apart from the... act... its the mind games that go with it, & the Emotional kick back & then your S O ... dont even think it,

You know what im doing with my friends as they have trouble saying no to people is learn to say .....NO..... & then theres no comeback later, hard to say no yet long term youll be glad you did,

...noeleena...

[traci_k]

Explain to them that loyalty and fidelity to your wife are nonnegotiable. If your wife finds out about Donna, your marriage may survive. Finding out about Donna and another couple, especially another male and a TS = a world of hurt and probable divorce. Lay the ground rule. Just say no. If they can't accept that, you already know you have to move on with the friendship. Best Wishes!
Hugs

[Kalista Jameson]

RED ALERT SITUATION - If it were me personally, I'd dump her like a rock. You are married, and have made yourself clear to her from what it sounds, that you are faithful to your spouse and only wish to be friends. One time is all you or anyone should ever need to make this clear to someone.

You sound conflicted because you have a need to have a new friend and would like to make this work. That person is probably locking on to that and attempting to manipulate you into serving their needs. Honorable and trustworthy people who respect others do not pressure others into infidelity. Period.

Take a step back and consider how easily this person pushes you into taking actions that show no respect for your spouse or marriage. Do not think for one second you could ever trust a person to have your back if their goals or needs deviated from yours. They are obviously not even aligned now. I can see no good coming from this relationship on any level.

Long after they have moved on, you'd be left with the broken pieces. If it were me, I'd cut this situation loose without delay for you and your marriage's sake. I'm not usually this serious of a poster, but from what I read in your post, you need some solid and serious advice. Only wishing you the best.

Cheers,

Kalista

[Beverley Sims]

As long as you can resist her advances, you may be able to stay friends.
If a sexuaal encounter is what she is interested in she may break the relationship any way.
It is probably not a good thing to continue the relationship as you are not out to your wife and there is always the threat of blackmail.

[linda allen]

Hi Sisters,

I need some input/advice. I recently met a full time NON OP TS who lives with her male partner for friendship and dress up time. Since I'm 100% still closeted, I need someplace I can dress and just be Donna. And when I met my new friend, I thought maybe I had finally found a a sister and best friend forever.

Now I am constantly being pressured to take this friendship into a sexual relationship with her and her male friend. I made it perfectly clear from the beginning that I intend to remain faithful to my spouse, even though she doesn't know and would not approve of Donna. I have no attraction to men, and even if in the future I would find myself transitioning into Donna full-time, I would definitely be a non op TS lesbian. I am and always have been attracted to women only. I tried once to be with a man because I thought that would make me feel more "womanly", but just didn't really want any part of it.

I like this person as a friend, but can't be the lover that she expects. Should I end our friendship, or what? Has anyone else had this type of situation develop, and if so what did you do about it? Thanks for listening.

Kisses,
Donna

Does your wife know about your dressing? If not, you have already left yourself open for blackmail.

Personally, I would never get myself in this position because if your wife doesn't know about this "friend" and what you do with her/him, it's already on the edge of cheating even if there is no sex involved.

I think you need to get out of this "friendship" but in a way that doesn't anger the "friend" and cause her/him to try to harm you in some way like telling your wife, family, boss, etc. It may not be easy.

[Ceri Anne]

I have a CD friend who is very sexual and gay. She has attempted to get me involved with her, but after talking about it, she is perfectly happy just being friends. All you can do is let your friend know one last time, your not interested in sex. If she doesn't oblige, then absolutly, drop her, don't let yourself be pressured. Just because you CD it doesn't mean you are promiscous, unfaithful or gay. Most of us here are married, straight, you are not a minority.

You want to break off the friendship tactfully. Some people opt for drama and as said above, she could attempt to cause trouble. All you can do is deal wiht it if it happens. Good luck and be proud you are standing up for you beliefs.

[Tabitha Storm]

If they were a friend there would be no pressure.
Alterior motives may have been at play
good luck!

Tab

[RADER]

Run; They want something other than friendship.
True friends do not ask for sexual favors.
Rader

[kimdl93]

If she can't take "no" as "no", then I would end the relationship. She should be able to get the message the first time!

[allesha10]

Donna, have you told this TS just much of what you have told us? Maybe if she knows exactly where you stand and what you want, she might accept you as who you are, and what you stand for,a person with strong integrity.

[sometimes_miss]

Donna, there's a natural tendency for everyone to want to find other people who are like ourselves. So much so, that sometimes we want to find them so much, that we start believing that they ARE like us, just in denial about it. I've had two gay female friends insist that I try having male/male relationships, because they just assumed that I must also be gay but in denial about it. You may have a difficult time getting your new friends to understand this, but hopefully they will eventually 'get it' that despite all their wishes, you aren't interested in any sexual activity with a male. It will be hard for them to accept, but since they've already gone through all the gender problems themselves, maybe they will start to understand.
Good luck.

[Rebecca_Annette]

I'd drop her personally, and be careful of unwanted backlash. No-one should try to force anyone into something they don't want

Sorry,

I meant to add . . .

apart from my sister and my spouse there is only one other person in the WORLD who knows about Rebecca, I gay guy I work with. He's about the best friend I ever had. Probably the best person I ever met. I didn't tell him, he guessed. Apart from encouraging me to buy clothes he's just . . . a friend. He would never try anything like your supposed friend tries.

[Tanya J]

Are you kidding? OF COURSE YOU SHOULD END THIS FRIENDSHIP. I am sorry about not being more polite about this but this is not even a question. Your wife stood with you at the alter and promised to do all she could to love, honor, and forsaking all others love only you. I cant believe you would ask this. This is exactly the type of thing that makes crossdressers seem like we are perverted sick individuals that need to be treated as such. I am glad that you haven't done anything yet, but PLEASE, run away from this type of thing that does nothing but tear apart families and ruin lives. Dont let something that can be a fun part of your personality ruin your entire person, not to mention your wife's

[Tanya J]

Are we really at a point that some of us are so caught up in our own self pity that you felt comfortable asking weather or not you should potentially destroy the lives of countless numbers of your loved ones by participating in that kind of thing. If so i am sorry if i had anything to do with giving you that notion.

[Donna Joanne]

Thanks girls for all the good advice. Most of you confirmed what I had already thought, that a real friend would never try and "coerce" me into doing something I don't want to do. We have talked more, and I told her that I would be reevaluating our relationship. We will just have to wait and see what develops in the future. Luv all y'all.

[DaniG]

Run, Donna, run.

Yes, and the reason is that you have a closely guarded secret that makes you vulnerable to blackmail. Slip away in the night!

And on that note, I would advise you to think very seriously about coming out to your wife. I'm not saying do it tonight, but keeping secrets in a relationship is never healthy. If you truly love your wife, then form a plan, get advice from a therapist about how to approach her. Take your time, years if necessary. But start moving in that direction. Even if it's a bumpy road, you'll be happier in the end for being honest with her and being open about who you really are. Just my $.02.