Does it even matter?

[Anne2345]

Throughout my membership, I have written much about how and what I feel.

I believe that writing about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions in this way has served me well. Aside from the obvious therapeutic benefit of doing so, I have learned much about myself and others by opening up and expressing myself. I have learned even more from those of you that have been kind enough to offer your thoughts, feelings, and observations in response to mine.

Recently, over the past several months, I have written about how good I have felt about myself. I have attributed such thoughts of well-being to having begun HRT.

The problem, though, is that the initial positive psychological boost I have experienced since beginning HRT is “wearing off.” The symptoms of dysphoria are returning. Although it feels different than it did before, I recognize dysphoria for what it is. That’s because it is what it is, and there is absolutely no mistaking it.

The attacks have already begun, in fact. The thoughts are returning. I am beginning to slip back into feelings of discomfort, wrongness, and obsession. The world that had sprung anew, flooded in vibrantly colored, exciting, lively hope, just a few months ago is already beginning to slowly wither away, decay, and lose its positive energy.

But now, at this point, is there really any reason to write about it? I mean, I know what the deal is. I know what’s going on. So what’s the point? Is there any point at all?

And quite frankly, I am sick of it all. I hate being this way. I do not want to be this way. I hate being obsessed like this. I hate being controlled like this. I hate getting my ass kick repeatedly by the same monster day in and day out.

The thing is, though, I am stuck. Just plain stuck. I am stuck, that is, if I choose to remain stuck. At least I now recognize and finally accept this truth for what it is.

Still, why write about it now? Does it accomplish anything at all? Do I receive any benefit by doing so now? It didn’t seem like such a worthless exercise before. It didn’t seem like a waste of time, either. It kinda seems like both, now.

I don’t know. I don’t care. Or rather, I don’t want to care, but my stupid emotions keep getting in the stupid way. This sucks. It really, really sucks. What’s even worse is that I can see the dark, roiling storm clouds swirling around chaotically and ominously off in the distance, slowly but methodically moving my way.

So what’s the point of this post? Is there a point? Does it even matter? Am I completely wasting my time, and everybody else’s, by writing about this stupid stuff?

It’s all very frustrating and depressing. But whatever . . . .

[Caroline-Grant]

I'm a bit confused as to what you are talking about but if you felt the need to post I think that the point was to share the inital thought with anyone who would listen which is just anothr way of getting things off your chest by venting. So the answer is that it only matters as much as you allow it to. In other words...yes.

[suzy1]

I think there is a point Anne.

Its good to share your problems with others [A problem shared is a problem halved] and when you are here you are talking to real people that understand like no one else can.

What worries me when I read a thread like this Anne is the onset of depression. [Real depression not just feeling low]

What you are doing with your life is hard to say the least! You are bound to get some ups and downs. But if you are making a mistake and this is the wrong road for you then give it a lot of thought.

All the best my friend,

Suzy

[LeaP]

I understand the feelings you are expressing. I've expressed them myself in the forum over the last few months, most recently the "dysphoria on steroids" thread. I also understand – and feel the same – about continuing to write about what is now obvious.

It is worth continuing. Not to repeat what you wrote before, but to fully (and finally) understand the real roots of the dysphoria. That, along with additional real-world expression, moves you to the decision point. At least I think so – LOL!

Kelly recently made the observation that it is only when you get past your unthinking reactivity that you are able to make real choices. The additional comment that sat me up was the observation that those driven deep into dysphoria from childhood don't feel empowered to make decisions about their lives. I know this is true for me. Perhaps it answers the most persistent and common questions here: why can't I move forward, why can't I make a decision, what's going to make me move, what are you waiting for, etc.

Making such a fundamental decision like transition is to take responsibility for myself in a way with which I am unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Pain and depression have been miserable… but they have also been refuges… from myself.

I guess my perspective is this: Continue to write through your weariness, because the slog isn't over yet. If you recognize your dysphoria for what it is, if it has been distilled down to its essence, you have come a long way. The road is at least clear, even if the soles of your feet feel worn down to the bone.

Having recently reached the same point, Anne, I can relate that my sensitivity to some of the opinions here has gone up quite a bit. Sometimes I struggle to hold my tongue and not become angry. I lashed out a few times at people who have been kind to me and have been patient with me. If I think back on the many posts I have read, however, I recall how many others experienced the same feelings of anger, resentment, weariness, retrenchment, and more. It appears to be a common stage in the journey, perhaps not for everyone, but for many.

My perception of people in this stage is also different. They are more serious. The advice they get is more serious and pointed. The built-up BS of their lives to-date starts to fall away. And the exchanges turn from the take, take, take of the past to give-and-take. If there's a community here, Anne, it seems one really enters it at this stage because you are engaging in a *knowlegeable* dialog for the first time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I would add one thing to Lea's excellent response...

you have to be true to YOU.... you are a writer...you are talented... i like making music, and even tho i take forever to make it and I'm not exceptionally talented (but i am persistent!!)...it doesn't "matter" that i write or record a song...except that it matters alot to me....

so write away...it does you good..what could be wrong with that??

oh and one more thing...you help other people too by writing..

[Tammy V]

Maybe it's time to stop writing and start doing. Hormones are rarely and end point, just another step in a long and painful journey. I know that the journey is rewarding, I just have not gotten far enough along to reap all the rewards. I know from experience the journey is painful, but in looking back I can tell that there is no hope at all back there. Only in looking forward can I see any hope so maybe if you allow yourself to look forward (or even dare to move forward) you can at least glimpse the light that may lie ahead.

[kimdl93]

It seems you're not alone in feeling stuck or trapped after a period of progress associated with starting HRT. I suppose it's natural for something new and exciting, like starting HRT, to eventually become routine. But what's worrisome is the return of depressive feelings. Perhaps starting HRT produced something of a placebo effect on your depressed state...and now that feeling is wearing off. Or perhaps the initial feeling of progress has slackened and you need to take some additional concrete actions towards your goal to regain a sense of momentum.

In any case, I hope you can redefine your situation so that instead of feeling stuck, but rather that you have the power to make changes and the opportunity to make progress towards being the person you want to be.

[docrobbysherry]

Anne, I'm sorry you're feeling badly. But, I don't understand. I've never had dysphoria. And, while dressing is confusing and compelling for me, it's more about fun than depression! U wrote:

"----- is there really any reason to write about it? I mean, I know what the deal is. I know what’s going on. So what’s the point? Is there any point at all?

And quite frankly, I am sick of it all. I hate being this way. I do not want to be this way. I hate being obsessed like this. I hate being controlled like this. I hate getting my ass kick repeatedly by the same monster day in and day out.

The thing is, though, I am stuck. Just plain stuck. I am stuck, that is, if I choose to remain stuck. At least I now recognize and finally accept this truth for what it is.

Still, why write about it now? Does it accomplish anything at all? Do I receive any benefit by doing so now? It didn’t seem like such a worthless exercise before. It didn’t seem like a waste of time, either. It kinda seems like both, now."

The answer is, "Yes. Write about it". If u can manage to put your feelings on paper, it will do 2 things:
One- Help u to define clearly what you're experiencing. Because u won't always feel this way.
Two- Help the rest of us understand what you're feeling.

U may feel stuck, but you're not. Every day in little ways, we and the entire world r changing. We quite often can't see it, but it's happening. And, it's happening to u. U sound frustrated? As if u want something to happen to or for Anne? And, maybe it's happening too slowly to suit u? If that's it, consider the years it's taken u to get where u r and all years u have left. If it takes a few years to get where u wish to be, try to be patient! It will happen! Hang in there, girl!

[Tammy V]

Hugs to you this morning...

[Beverley Sims]

Anne,
What do you expect from the dark clouds and being obsessed with what?
Are you getting out and interacting with friends.
Are you locking yourself up and staying away from contact with others?
Of course when you were experiencing a change you would have been on a high.
Any change is as good as a holiday, try changing something now.

The psychological boost you first received is slowly working on you and giving you time to reflect, possibly too much time.
I get flat spots like this now and then, I find sometimes it is because of boredom.
You have done the right thing and written about it and shared with others what you think.
At times like this life really sucks, or so you think.
Look at the clouds rolling in and look at others out there enjoying life.
See what the difference is and immerse yourself in other interests that will come your way.
Changing metabolism and body shape, the mind bending thing is being harsh at the moment but it will change again and you will see the new you emerging.

There are problems to solve and a myriad of other events to cover in the next couple of years, look forward to them with enthusiasm and new friend you will make also.
Read all the replies here and judge for yourself, the world is not as dark as it seems and there is always tomorrow.
I wish you all the best and keep your spirits up.
Beverley.

[Kathryn Martin]

My comment is especially addressed to Anne and to Lea. I would like to talk about two things in particular, although both are immediately connected.

Both of you have started hormone therapy for the same reason, to enable you through the intake of hormones to determine if you are in fact you are what you say you are. There is a danger in that, because the hormonal environment may change the perceptions that you have of yourself. These are after all powerful drugs. But there is an effect of the intake of these drugs that most often unintended, in fact feared but is of real benefit in determining if you must transition or not. Social and family consequences are powerful motivators not to transition and sometimes they overcome any other motivator that pulls in a different direction.

Firstly, the fact that you experience a return of anxiety and depression while on hormones is a phenomenon that you need to take notice of and draw conclusions from. It is so incredibly difficult to take a step back when you experience what you experience Anne, acutely, every day and take up a detached viewpoint and review and think about what is happening to you. There is no use to explain how I interpret this phenomenon because both of you need to develop your own clear insight into this. While I did things different than both of you regarding hormones, I am no stranger to the deficiencies of hormones in a transitional process. For me anxiety and depression stopped when I started counseling specifically for SRS clearance after I had full transitoned both professionally and socially. You see, hormones are not and never were an end unto itself. They are a tool in the tool box for those that are born with a sex conflict or a gender/sex conflict and preeminently a transformation tool in the physiological make-up of your body.

Secondly, the sense of being stuck is a product of fear. Anne, your comment "if I choose to be stuck" is more apt than you think. At the time when I was where you are now I wrote this into my journal:


What stands in the way are the potential social and economic consequences of the reaction, my contemporaries might have to Kathryn. Unfortunately in this case, the world will have to change, not Kathryn. This takes time and the de-construction and removal of the fears I have. The pain of incongruousness is unbearable, and fear must be overcome.

Yes I feel fear. I recognize it, but I will no longer be guided by it.

Do you recognize this? Everything we have learned, how we are socialized, our reliance on the perception of our peers of ourselves, our families and friends militate against our need to be congruent. And the fear of losing our place in the world in which we live, the fear of losing love, even of effecting a change in which we are loved and bear the consequences of our actions is organized into the very fabric of our lives. That is why we are stuck. It is also the reason why transition is a last, a very last resort. And as surely any action has an equal counter-reaction we pay for overcoming fear to a large extent before transition by what you both experience. Ask everyone on this board who has transitioned fully and they will tell you that this is true. Yesterday I told a friend this: " I have been there and I feel your pain, apathy, rage, sadness, exhilaration, impairment." But I can tell you with certainty that this too shall pass.

What I would like to say to you next may sound a little harsh but it is meant with every ounce of compassion. It takes a lot of fortitude to move from wallowing in the self pity of the "But whatever...." to action. For me laying out my transition timeline was crucial. It was no commitment, it was making a plan and revising it. In the making of such a plan a lot clarifies itself and realism and reality begins to enter your deliberations. Because this process is not the "ok, let's get a piece of paper and start writing ....." kind of things. But rather a review and careful deliberation of all aspects of what you have to do. This can be both positive and negative. But it will destroy and discard any fantasy or dream you may have about living a female life and about transition. And that, in my view is always a good thing.

[Marleena]

Of course it matters Anne! If it's any comfort I feel stuck too, or "trapped". My reasons (or excuses depending how you look at it) are different though, it's my age mostly. I'm closing in on a year and HRT has helped immensely. A couple of recent incidents with my doctor and male pharmacist plus comments running through my head on replay scared me off HRT,.

So what did I accomplish by stopping HRT, nothing. I stopped and now I'm rethinking it because it was the only time I felt happy and doing something for me. I think I'm just overly sensitive and letting pressures get to me.

So.. this forum can't help you other than a kind ear(s). Reading others struggles or them pushing you to do more won't help. Your therapist should be able to help though and is the person to guide you over the rough spots. Take time out for yourself, treat yourself and do things that will make you happy. A vacation works wonders! Take your time with this knowing you've already taken steps to improve yourself. Pat yourself on the back for starting to deal with this crap.


*EDIT* Ooops Kathryn and I posted at the same time.

Great advice there for me too.

[LeaP]

My comment is especially addressed to Anne and to Lea.

Thank you, Kathryn, but not wishing to overly inject myself into Anne's thread, I will take up my response in a PM ... leaving Anne to her own special misery. :devil:

[Angela Campbell]

It matters to me. Please keep posting.

[Badtranny]

Funny story about transition plans and HRT;

In the summer of 2010 I was in the midst of my big transition plan. Before my therapist gave me the letter for HRT we were talking about those plans. I told her I was going to be privately transitioning for two years and then I would come out and begin planning my professional transition. She smiled and said that she doubted that I would be able to avoid coming out for that long. I said no way would I come out sooner because I worked in construction and I had to be very careful and I needed to come out very slowly and deliberately. She said she wished me luck, but I may be surprised at how much the HRT changes my perspective on things.

One year later I was totally out and openly transitioning.

By that time I was already out "except for work" and even though I didn't 'cross-dress' much anymore, I was clearly androgynous all the time, and I was wearing earrings and a ponytail to work already. Even though I came out as gay nearly a year earlier to test the waters, it still got to be too weird to pretend that I wasn't planning big changes. So I just dropped the act and started coming out as trans.

Was it the HRT the caused me to get real? I don't know but my therapist called it before I ever took a single pill. She said "HRT will change you in ways you can't even conceive"
For me there was no way I could have just kept everything static. It was time for this butterfly to freakin' fly already.

[Kristyn Hill]

it does matter Anne. We love you here and your thread has spurred those who do care to say so out loud. I know you are beautiful inside and out. Keep your chin up. I can only imagine how taking the HRT increases your stress and anxiety at times. We will all get through this together. Why I have your attention, May I show off my new Heels? hahaha. Kisses!

[kellycan27]

Was it the HRT the caused me to get real? I don't know but my therapist called it before I ever took a single pill. She said "HRT will change you in ways you can't even conceive"
For me there was no way I could have just kept everything static. It was time for this butterfly to freakin' fly already.

Another factor of transition is " how much baggage " one is trying to drag uphill along with them. It was a lot easier for me to make that leap of faith because I pretty much only had to account for myself. I too was able to use the " just do it" approach.

[Diana L]

Anne, it matters a great deal to me. I am in roughly the same situation as you although the dysphoria hasn't returned yet. Your post are well thought out and well written. I look forward to reading them and I do get a lot out of them. Please keep posting!

Diana L

[darla_g]

Anne, I truly hope you can find your point of personal comfort along your journey.

[melissaK]

Comes now Respondent, K, Melissa, by and through her attorneys of record, and as and for her Response to the Original Post states as follows:

1) Respondent incorporates all prior responses #2 through 19, set forth above, as if each and every responsive post was set forth in full hereat, including in particular, but not by way of limitation, the response #11 of Martin, Kathryn, par 2); and,

2) Respondent reserves unto herself the right to amend or supplement this response as future facts become made known to Respondent during the course of discovery herein.

Wherefor Respondent prays for relief as follows:

1) That Original Poster take nothing by way of her original post, except wisdom insight and experience;

2) That this Forum issue an Order Compelling Original Poster to take and follow the sage advice and wisdom set forth by Responder herein above; and,

3) Such other relief as this Honorable Forum determines is just.

Dated this 11th day of March, 2011.

[Aprilrain]

holy gobbledygook batman! i guess thats why attorneys get paid the big bucks, to make shit sound smart

[Kathryn Martin]

Funny story about transition plans and HRT; In the summer of 2010 I was in the midst of my big transition plan.

Do you know "the Song about the insufficiency of human striving" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WENkquBHchM) by Berthold Brecht. It's in german but the music is awesome, by Kurt Weil. Here is a translation of the second stanza:

Ja; mach nur einen Plan
sei nur ein großes Licht!
Und mach dann noch ’nen zweiten Plan
gehn tun sie beide nicht.
Denn für dieses Leben
ist der Mensch nicht schlecht genug:
doch sein höh’res Streben
ist ein schöner Zug.


Yes, make yourself a plan;
it just goes up in smoke!
And make yourself a second plan;
they both will end up broke.
Alas for our life
We are not bad enough, although
Still how we lofty strive
Will make a pretty show.


After much planning I was supposed to transition socially and professionally at the end of 2012 with surgery sometime after that (I thought 2014) . What really happened was full transition April 1st 2011, surgery May 2012. Making the plan though helped me face all of the realities of doing what I needed to do and prepare myself for what was to come. I ended up really well prepared even though everything accelerated like nobody's business.

[LeaP]

...
Both of you have started hormone therapy for the same reason, to enable you through the intake of hormones to determine if you are in fact you are what you say you are. There is a danger in that, because the hormonal environment may change the perceptions that you have of yourself. These are after all powerful drugs. But there is an effect of the intake of these drugs that most often unintended, in fact feared but is of real benefit in determining if you must transition or not. Social and family consequences are powerful motivators not to transition and sometimes they overcome any other motivator that pulls in a different direction.

Firstly, the fact that you experience a return of anxiety and depression while on hormones is a phenomenon that you need to take notice of and draw conclusions from. It is so incredibly difficult to take a step back when you experience what you experience ...

Secondly, the sense of being stuck is a product of fear. ...

Do you recognize this? Everything we have learned, how we are socialized, our reliance on the perception of our peers of ourselves, our families and friends militate against our need to be congruent. And the fear of losing our place in the world in which we live, the fear of losing love, even of effecting a change in which we are loved and bear the consequences of our actions is organized into the very fabric of our lives. That is why we are stuck. ...

What I would like to say to you next may sound a little harsh but it is meant with every ounce of compassion. It takes a lot of fortitude to move from wallowing in the self pity of the "But whatever...." to action. ...

As Anne has knocked me about and generally abused me for suggesting I take my response offline ...

Confirmation was the least of the reasons for starting HRT, though it was there. I was curious as to how that might play out, but my first reason was because of who I am, not what I might be. The second major reason was to see if it was enough, particularly as my therapist advised that it has been for a number of her patients.

The primary psychological effect of hormones to-date has been to make me feel more like me. I feel the same concerns for family that I did before, maybe more so in some respects. I do not think (so far) that I've introduced an unbalanced factor biasing my direction. I recognize that this could change and I hope I would be aware, but I don't know how to guarantee that.

The dysphoria now is focused in the sense of being mostly about physical issues. The experience of incongruence is NOT the same as the experience of gender anxiety and its related psychological and emotional fallout, as you know. I had flashes of insight into the basic incongruence issue prior to hormones, often by experiencing the opposite while cross dressing, then, paradoxically, by my frustration with it.

But I did not experience incongruence so directly until I started hormones. Part of that is that the hormones (and ADs) reduced the drama burden to where what was LEFT was primarily physical. I also feel the incongruence differently, though. It manifests in a variety of ways, but I'm most disturbed by the jarring sensation of walking about feeling pretty good until I catch sight of myself. Then there is the weird sensation of seeing myself in the mirror at times switching back and forth between almost seeing how I think of myself, and then how I appear to everyone else. It's unsettling.

The return of dysphoria isn't. That is, there is an interplay between self-knowledge and dysphoria whereby the aspect of the latter changes with the former. One may read fables for the simple stories or for the morality lesson, and one may interpret an upset as an emotional event (only) or as a reflection of an aspect of something internalized. When the latter happens, the emotion may or may not continue, but is no longer the focus.

I recently wondered in a note to Anne whether a deep survival instinct was being invoked. The thought was in relation to the concept of being driven to transition. To-date I've understood that in decision-making terms. Choices. Consequences. Weights and criteria. Perhaps irresistible emotional and psychological pressure. It now appears that all that is COMPLETELY wrong. (I'm wrong again. What a surprise ...)

Right now it looks like I will be driven - by this emerging, visceral survival urgency, to the POINT of deciding. This seems to be happening independently of my actions. If the need is not there, "going back" will need to be worked out in terms of tolerability. The danger is in not transitioning if I should, because going back then just might kill me.

You are right about fear and how deeply it is ingrained. My response to what I'm afraid of? Not everything, but everyone.

Finally, you are right about wallowing in emotion. It is escapist. The fight now is staying present and dealing with the reality. The survival instinct is pulling in two directions: dragging toward the brink, and tempting me back into hiding ... or worse.

[KellyJameson]

Anne you are a deeply feeling person and it would be dangerous if you ever cut yourself off from others in similar circumstances. You will not survive transitioning without sharing it with others.

Being transsexual heightens your vulnerability to suicide because in many ways it is similar to the angst of adolescents so you are continously living with a type of psychological intensity that is relentless much like adolescents was.

You must continue to vent and vomit to others because isolation will be very harmful to you.

Separate from the effects the hormones are having on your moods and thoughts the hormones were also a symbolic step toward the direction of change so "relief" giving you "hope" and the experience of intense happiness as the fulfillment of what you need.

You were walking on air and excited so experienced the "high" but with every high comes a low.

One way to lessen suffering is to accept that suffering is a part of life and you will never escape it completely even after you transition fully.

Life always has highs and lows and this is normal so do not fight it and by not fighting it you will lessen the lows. Accept the lows without giving into them.

One thing that will keep hope alive and lessen the depression is seeing real physical changes taking place such as electrolysis.

The mirror can be your best friend or worst enemy depending on the person you see looking back at you.

I'm not talking about that love affair with beauty because that is fools gold but creating a reflection that mirrors your internal identity of self back to you.

Also your psychological state will be strongly affected by diet and exercise. Physical health has a direct bearing on mental health.

I cannot imagine anyone avoiding depression who is transsexual. In my mind it is a given that a person will have anxiety and depression so learning how to manage both is crucial.

The "female state of mind" requires that you be very proactive in becoming comfortable in your own body and brain.

Testosterone is like putting blinders on a horse so the hormones tend to make the brain more singular in expression and purpose when the hormones act on a brain that was already designed to accept the hormones so the person goes into "masculinity" or with estrogen into "femininity"

Our minds do not get this advantage so in some ways we are left outside of natures design so operate outside of much of natures instinctual behavior so there is little to no nature "directing our lives" which leaves us continually living in a form of psychological crisis created by an existential vacumm from the intense experience of the purposelessness of life.

Having a transsexual brain is very dangerous to ones survival because it removes aspects of natures programming leaving the person in the position of needing to step in and replace what they were not born with.

You must be very proactive in self management.

You are a person of high emotion and sensitivity similar to myself so I recognize the dangers that come from being this way.

The only reason I am here to type these words comes from the intense managment of my mental health. Of my moods,emotions, sensitivities, temperament,personality,ect combined with external changes. Learning about what I am and what was and is happening to me.

I do not believe it can only be about changing the outside without understanding the mental and emotional aspects.

Remember if you had been born with the body of a female all this stuff inside you would either not be there or would have found positive forms of expression and release.

You must use your intellect to make up for the body you do not have.

In my opinion we must be highly disciplined to survive this.We need a very strong will to live.

I do not have pity or feel sorry for myself but I have looked at others who had physical handicaps and how they have transcended their handicaps from a powerful will to live and passion for life.

They were confronted with the problems of life without the advantages others had and they stepped up to life and made the best of what they have to work with.

You have an advantage over them because you have more choices so will not be confined to a wheel chair for your whole life.

Keep moving forward.

[steftoday]

Anne-
If it makes you feel better just to write and post about your changes on your path, then you should!

[melissakozak]

Anne,

Keep on posting and getting great and encouraging feedback from all of us...you are not wasting YOUR or OUR time....peace and hugs on your journey....Melissa.

[Anne2345]

Kathryn, as with Lea, confirmation was not among the reasons I began HRT. I began HRT for who I steadfastly believe and know myself to be. Also like Lea, I was hopeful that I could ride HRT off into the sunset, and that it would be enough. Being honest with myself, I did not, and do not, believe that will be the case. But still, I was hopeful. That hope, however, is no beginning to fade. It is quite clear to me, though, that making the decision to pursue and begin HRT was the right decision for me. I know this to my core, and I do not and cannot see myself going back from it. At least I cannot see it without great risk to my mental health and well-being. But has HRT also served to confirm I am who I believed myself to be? I believe it has. I do not believe HRT creates the transsexual, but it is instead, as you aptly put it, a tool to be used in going forward. Lea and I have approached this in virtually the same exact manner, with eerily similar results.

The fact of the matter is that I have felt the best I have perhaps ever felt on HRT. At least to date, and recent returning signs of dysphoria and related depression notwithstanding. Still, it beats the hell out of where I was before. And having made the decision, and having begun HRT for me, I am beginning to take at least some small amount of ownership of who I really am. Kaitlyn put it well when she wrote in another thread of mine that I am doing something, something real, for myself for the first real time in my life. The thing is, Kaitlyn was absolutely correct, and I am actually proud of myself that I was at least able to over come the fear associated with such an important, life-altering decision. In fact, I was quite excited about the prospect, as I viewed it as hope. Which it is, regardless of whether I can sustain the status quo. It feels right. I know it to be right. I also know that I want to keep moving forward, wherever that may take me.

As for the entry in your journal that you cited relating to fear - yes, Kathryn, I do recognize it. I absolutely recognize it. I understand it intimately, because I going through that currently. I believe that I have conquered much fear to date, but I know that there is more fear to battle. I even acknowledged as much. But the difference between how I perceive possibilities know versus pre-decision to begin HRT is the difference between night and day. Before, I refused to acknowledge that certain things were possible. And yet, as I continued to move forward, I kept consistently proving myself wrong through my actions. What's funny, though, in writing about such things here on the forum, I have been accorded and attributed a certain amount of courage for having done these things. But none of my accomplishments have been based on courage. I have been scared and fearful through the entire process. Instead, my actions have all been based upon desperation. I had to do those things, or risk losing my mind and my sanity. Those things I have done, more than anything, were done for the sake of self-preservation. Not because I am a particularly brave or courageous person. Which is telling in and of itself, I believe.

You are also right that I have my times where I wallow in self-pity. I was doing so, at least in part, in my thread OP here. Like everyone, I have my weak moments. Regardless, I recognize that I still must proceed forward, and get over such thoughts. In this, I am confident I will do so. I actually want to do so. Simply put, I cannot imagine living out the remainder of my days as is. The thought of becoming an old man sickens me. I could become physically ill and vomit if I think to much about the prospect. I hardly can even stand to view old men these days, because the imagery in my mind shifts to me as an old man. And that damn near bowls me over and steals the breath from my lungs. Please do not confuse my aversion to growing old, however. That is a nature. That is what it is. But I believe I would rather die than be forced to live out my days as an old man.

As for your statement about fortitude and creating timelines being harsh, I do not see it as harsh at all. I think it is quite reasonable what you have written, and I really appreciate that you took the time to do so. You have given me much to consider, and consider it I shall.

As for the rest of you, thank you so much for your input, kindness, advice, and compassion. It all means much to me, and I feel quite fortunate to have such good friends. Unfortunately, I am worn out from myself right now, so I shall decline further response until perhaps later. But thank you sooooo much for your kind words!!! :-)

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, the other women here can best address the effects of HRT and the choices, as i am too early into HRT and stabilizing who I am to commen ton that, but as Iread your post and the responses, i wanted to focus on one thing with two examples. Should you continue?

Dear Anne, you are climbing a mountain. Mountain climbing requites various stages to acclimate the climber to the changing altitudes. You are an ascending angel, and the oxygen deprivation can play tricks on the mind until one becomes acclimated. The climber must spend some time at each camp until they become able to continue. You are right now at an acclimation point and are merely resting and allowing your mind to go over all the past and integrate it into your current being to allow you to continue to your next point. While acclimating to your new position, you will feel like you are just treading water and going over the same crap. This leads me to the next point.

Anne, you are a lawyer. I trust you have had many expert witnesses work with you, and I know you beat your head into the wall over each and every one of then trying to figure out what the hell they were trying to say to you about the technical aspects of the case. I have been an expert witness on more than a few cases, and felt the exact same way about the dense lawyer who could not understand the most simple of technical engineering concepts I was trying to convey (never mind that the jury would be going to sleep!!). So we went over and over and over the same testimony/concepts that I though were crucial to making the point, getting very technical, then simpllifying the thought for the jury. Over and Over, and over. Rehashing the same concepts in different approaches. Each time perhaps only making a small difference. Sometimes sparking an insight into a different way to describe the same principle. Building a solid base of understanding between myself and the lawyer, putting us both on the same page

This ofte3n lead to questioning on the stand that resulted in a totally different way of presenting the information that just developed on the fly between the two of us with a totally unique approach that seemed to make much more sense to communicate the concepts to the jury. Without the constant repetition, and discourse, and the mind numbing repetition of the same old crap, did the base develop that allowed the magical intellectual content to come through in an understandable manner to the layman.

So, Dear Anne, should you keep talking........... HELL YES.

Barbara

[kimdl93]

..., I have been accorded and attributed a certain amount of courage for having done these things. But none of my accomplishments have been based on courage. I have been scared and fearful through the entire process. Instead, my actions have all been based upon desperation. I had to do those things, or risk losing my mind and my sanity. Those things I have done, more than anything, were done for the sake of self-preservation. Not because I am a particularly brave or courageous person. ....:-)

Anne, courage is not the absence of fear... courage is finding the will to do what needs to be done despite the fear. So don't presume for a moment that you're anything but courageous.

[Anne2345]

Alright already!!! Y'all win!!! Sheesh!! I will keep writing!! I will keep posting!!! I will not change how I approach this aspect of this. So I fly the white flag and surrender!! :surrender

I really, really do appreciate your messages and support! It means a lot to me! And really, as usual, you all are yet again correct. It's no easy task keeping me focused and from falling apart. But you all have skills. Serious skills. :p

[Tamara Croft]

Do you need me to smack you again?? :gg: or do you need another :hugs: I'm good either way... or I could just kick your butt... :kickbutt: