Shame

[PaulaQ]

"Hi, I'm ______ and I'm an alcoholic"

I've said these words more times than you can imagine. This is not an easy thing to admit about yourself.

I've talked about really terrible things I did - things I am NOT proud of - when drinking and drugging. I've told this stuff to a room full of people who I do not know well. I've told most of this stuff to family members - at least stuff that wouldn't hurt them needlessly. Some of this involved some sexual things.

And in the years of being as honest as I could possibly be about all of that - I COULD NOT ADMIT my desires to crossdress / my feminine side / whatever this is I'm going through. It has always been there, or at least I became aware of it when I was 10 or 11.

But despite feeling free to talk about some genuinely horrible and personally humiliating things I'd done while drunk, I was too ashamed to admit this, even to myself. I knew. Part of me knew. Part of me knew I should just lay my cards on the table. Yet I could not.

In a room full of people, who'd also done terrible, questionable things too, and who were not there to judge - quite the opposite - I was too afraid of judgement, and too ashamed. I couldn't talk to my sponsor. I couldn't talk to my therapist at the time. I was ashamed.

Isn't that something?

Anyway, "Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."

It was really hard to write those last two sentences - I'm sobbing right now.

I appreciate you girls - I don't know what I'd do without this forum. I love all of you, so much.

[Caroline-Grant]

Hello paula. I'm Caroline Grant(I like the new name better) and I'm a submissive crossdresser. The weight is easier to carry for some. But that being said it is really hard to tell people about it. Until you start telling then it becomes easier and easier.

I'm sorry that it's hard for you but I hope that given time it will get easier.

[Karren H]

Shame is what I feel when I go into the penalty bad.... al la "Slap Shot" not what I feel about myself....

[Jenni Yumiko]

Hi Paula, your human, and being a CD is not a reason to feel shame.
I would be more scared with dealing with drugs or alcohol than this. And as you were strong enough to overcome those, this too, with your wife you will come to terms.

[Angela Campbell]

Hi I am Ellen. I am transgendered and I am not ashamed of it. I do not tell everyone I know unless there is a need to know, but many people know me as Ellen. One day I would like to live as a woman, but at the present I am doing it about50%. I have known about this since I was 4, and only recently stopped fighting it. I am a woman inside and I like being a woman.

[PaulaQ]

Hi Paula, your human, and being a CD is not a reason to feel shame.
I would be more scared with dealing with drugs or alcohol than this. And as you were strong enough to overcome those, this too, with your wife you will come to terms.

Thanks. When you put it into those terms, it is amazing isn't it - that something that I'd feel worse about something that is relatively harmless, than something like alcoholism that was incredibly self-destructive, and harmful to anyone who had the misfortune of being around me at the time?

It's very real though. I'm less ashamed now, although no less frightened at the consequences of coming out. BTW, I don't tell everyone that I'm an alcoholic, it's need to know. I won't lie if people ask me a direct question like "hey, I've noticed that you NEVER drink - what's up with that?" At some point, I guess I don't care whether or not people decide they don't want to deal with me because I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I'll feel that way about CD sometime. Honestly, the only people I care about are my wife and kids.

And "Hi back" Caroline, Karren, Jenni, and Ellen. You are all beautiful, and so brave.

[Lorileah]

Really Paula there is no shame in being transgendered. The shame is on those who cannot accept it and let people live their lives. When you stand up and say "I am _______" be proud

[Beverley Sims]

Paula,
Telling a room full of strangers you are a druggie, sexual predator, alcholic, gay or some other failing is a normal thing for both sexes.
They are educated enough to know about these failings.
To tell them you like dressing in women's clothes and enjoy other fetishes is totally alien.
They have no idea or knowledge about the background of what you are trying to tell them.

There is no shame but an invisible psychological barrier we have to overcome.
I struggle with it too.

[Tanya J]

I am very grateful that you have a place to put your thoughts out there for someone who can understand the things you are going through. It is very nice for me to have a place to communicate with you and all the others here about all of the thoughts i have. Just know that I along with many others here value you as more than a cd or tg, but as a human.

[PaulaQ]

Really Paula there is no shame in being transgendered. The shame is on those who cannot accept it and let people live their lives. When you stand up and say "I am _______" be proud

Thanks Lorileah. I know it is ridiculous to feel worse about this than the other stuff I mentioned. Intellectually I know this. It isn't in my gut yet, but I'm trying. I'm making progress I guess. I can admit this to myself. I can admit this to the beautiful women of this forum.

I guess I wrote this because the magnitude of how ridiculous I feel finally hit home. I feel little worry over telling people about horrible things I've done in the past. But tell 'em I like to wear a bra and panties - whoa, that's just too shocking. It's so stupid.

Why can't emotions be smarter? :)

[traci_k]

Yes - shame on those who can't accept. But unfortunately, sometimes we're married to them, love them and don't want to lose them.
Hugs

[Lisa Gerrie]

I'm almost three years out of rehab, and still sober. I honestly don't feel shame about being an alcoholic. I am ashamed of some of the things I did while drunk, but I have come to accept that alcoholism is part of who I am.

I also don't feel any shame about my crossdressing. I'm not proud of some of the things I did, such as "borrowing", but that's in the past. Other than that, I don't see anything shameful about it.

[PaulaQ]

But unfortunately, sometimes we're married to them, love them and don't want to lose them.


Well, I haven't given up hope yet. If ultimately my wife can't accept, then I won't feel resentment towards her. I deceived her. I didn't mean to - but I did, and there is no changing that. She never agreed to this. She never asked for it. I hope this falls under "for better or for worse." If not, it is the consequences of my own actions and choices, or lack thereof. I did this, and I own it. It'll be a little while before I cross that bridge I think. But cross it I will.


I'm coming up on three years sober, and I honestly don't feel shame about being an alcoholic. I am ashamed of some of the things I did while drunk, but I have come to accept that alcoholism is part of who I am

Hi Michael - first off - congratulations, I know how hard that is. Sobering up was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm sober 23 years now. I know exactly how you feel. I am not ashamed of that. I hope I can reach the same place of acceptance with my gender. This is a struggle for me.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I clicked Post before my thought was complete, and you responded in the meantime.

[AllieSF]

"Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."

Just keep repeating those same words to yourself whenever you get down and feel that shame. It has been more than proved that repeating a positive, and even a negative statement, can alter ones feeling toward the meaning of the statement. Good luck and a big hug to get you through the day.

[Stevie]

Hi Paula I haven't experienced what you been through AA but I do understand and you shouldn't be ashamed. Actually admitting that you had a problem and did something to change it is being brave. As for us being a crossdresser I do feel the same way. I feel guilty and can't openly say anything to anyone about it. By definition in my book that is being ashamed. I keep asking myself is what I'm doing right. I feel it is right and know others don't think it's right so who's right. What gets me is who in society gets to say what is right or wrong. Even though I feel ashamed about this I come to the point that I just don't care anymore. The feelings I get about this outweigh being ashamed. I feel your pain and could use a hug.

[PaulaQ]

@AllieSF - thanks so much, hon. I needed a hug. :)
@Stevie - /hugs. We'll be OK.

[cathie pantyhose]

Hey Paula - Hang in there...this is the best site for you to express yourself and work thru these concerns (and for god's sake follow the rules although I don't always). Keep raising the questions you have on your mind. As for me, I don't have the AA concerns but I have struggled with many of the same concerns you have posted in other threads and just remember, you are not alone on this journey. We are all here for you together. This IS a process especially with your wife. It takes time to heal. Some do fully, some never do and some partially accept as mine has over the years but it doesn't happen over night. We love you and are here for you.

[Lisa Gerrie]

I feel guilty and can't openly say anything to anyone about it. By definition in my book that is being ashamed.

Not in my book. I only feel ashamed when I have done something wrong, when I have injured another person or animal. Crossdressing itself is harmless! If you steal clothing or deceive others and thereby harm them, then Yes shame might be appropriate. But if I don't talk to my friends about my hemorrhoids, masturbation, and lots of other "human" things it is not because I am ashamed of those things, it's because they are personal.

[FelicityMay]

Hi, I'm Felicity and i am a crossdresser.
i sometimes have shame for that, when thinking that it is not accepted by most people, including my family if they found out.
But it is what i enjoy! once i realize that i am happy with what i have, the shame goes away and i don't care what people think.
Cross dressing is not a bad thing, it is just something most people cant really take in very easily, it is not a common thing.
We are human, we have faults, and no one is perfect. so its ok if you have something about yourself that you are not happy with. everyone does!
i hope it doesnt take too much of a hit out of you, we all support you!
-Felicity

[RebeccaLynne]

But if I don't talk to my friends about my hemorrhoids, masturbation, and lots of other "human" things it is not because I am ashamed of those things, it's because they are personal.

Paula, what you choose to disclose about your personal life is up to you. I've always believed that whatever you choose to share with others should be in confidence, with the implicit understanding that those revelations not be shared without your explicit permission.

You're not guilty of anything. You have the right to privacy, and self-expression. Your life is not an open book: it's yours!

[Ceri Anne]

Hi Paula, I'm Cerri Anne. We all feel those pains of guilt and that we are perverted. The amazing difference is, there is nothing wrong with expressing our true feelings and self, unlike destroying our life with drugs or alchohol abuse. Either way, we are here to support and offer you the strenght of sisterhood.

[Jodi Anne]

Hi Paula, I had a drinking problem up to the day I admitted being TG to myself. I have not touched or even wanted a drink since then. Also I had a weight problem that has plagued me for over 10 years has been slowly disappearing due to eating right and taking care of myself better.
The shame for you would be to not move forward with your life and enjoy your life.

[amy96]

What an encouragement, thank you so much for being personal. I feel the same but I've noticed that when I have a cocktail or two, I feel better....OR, when I go shopping for cute Amy clothes I feel even better....do you feel the saem?

[Bonnie J]

Everyone who has read this thread feels a little or a lot of what you have said Paula. But we all have "been there, done that" in one form or another. Glad you are on the comeback trail!!

[Jamie001]

Hi Paula,

When you are able to take the step and say to your AA group,

"Hi, I'm Paula, and I am a crossdresser and a transgendered person. I think at some level I'm supposed to be a woman."

then you will have taken the next and probably the largest step to full recovery. That was my biggest step in my recovery because anything less is just not being real. Take it from another friend of Bill.

[allesha10]

Paula, I think this forum is the greatest place for us. We can in a sense come out and admit to each other that we are crossdressers and enjoy helping and talking with each other in that frame.
I too have felt so much better about coming out to the girls here and talking through all of the issues we face, due to the way many misinformed people think about us. It has really helped me in life and eased a bvurden of hiding.
I look forward to discussing here, I feel more self accepting of who I am, and understanding like you should, we are OK,just a little different from some. And go with it, enjoy who you are, and stick around and talk and help us all out.

[Amie Marie]

Hi Paula, I'm Amie Marie. Just like you I too feel shame at times about being outed as a cd'er. I don't want anyone to know and I contribute some of that on the way I was raised and society. I have hidden for so long that even admitting it to a bunch of strangers on line scared me to death. After coming back to this website for many months and reading the posts that were public I finally joined. I now have learned I am not alone in this "strange" world (no offence girls) but have so many friends on here to support me. You have that same support group here for cd'ing that you have at AA for the drinking. For what it is worth IMO, the only one you have to admit anything to is yourself then when your ready stand up and shout. HI EVERYONE I AM A CROSSDRESSER AND I DO IT FOR MYSELF! In the meantime now that everyone here is ready for you when you do. I learned that just recent.

[mikiSJ]

Paula

I am not a drunk, but I have been so drunk on two separate occasions and to such an extent that I could have easily killed as many as 6 people riding in my car - that is shameful.

Yet, if I were to have had to attend an AA meeting, I would have divulged that information readily.

I do not in the least feel shame or guilt about my CDing, but, thanks to the person who gave birth to me, I can not/will not tolerate embarrassment. And because of that I would feel very much put upon to make an admission that I CD in front of a group of people who have no interest or need in knowing about that part of my life.

So, as many above had said: there is nothing shameful about crossdressing. And there is nothing to say that you must be comfortable in all situations, especially when you are being asked to divulge something personal to you. When you are comfortable talking about your CDing, you will! Maybe you will talk up at an AA meeting, or maybe with your best friend/spouse/SO, or, maybe you'll simply put on a skirt, shoes, blouse and makeup and walk down the street with your head held high ignoring all of those nasty thoughts of shame - and become Paula!

[PaulaQ]

Ladies, I am humbled and genuinely touched by your support. Thank you - you help me so much. I am so glad I found you all. I am proud to be counted in your number. I love all of you. I can't say that enough.

You've given me a lot to think about - both in the thoughtful replies in this thread (feel free to keep 'em coming!) and in the kind PM's I've received. I start talking to a therapist tomorrow, she has some expertise in gender therapy, so I certainly have stuff to talk about, in no small part thanks to all of you.

I appreciate y'all not minding me posting stuff like this thread. I'm trying to be honest about this for the first time in my life. My goodness though - it is hard. So many of you give me hope though that I'll eventually just feel "free."

Paula

[Michelle M]

Hey, Paula

My name is Michelle, and I am a transgender woman.

Coming out to myself was the biggest step I've ever taken in my life. What a revelation! Before then, I was an abuser and I didn't care what it did to me. Since then, I have come to care about myself, and the impact I have on my family and my community.

I don't know where this will lead, but I am happy that I have decided to acknowledge my personal needs and desires, and to dismiss the antiquated expectations of proper male behavior placed upon me by my family and society. I am now a better parent and a better person.

Congratulations on this big step. I hope that for you, as with myself, you find that the voids in your life no longer need filling.

[Barbara Ella]

Hi Paula,

I am a cross dresser, i am transgendered, and I am transexual. But really, those things have nothing to do with any negative behavior I am trying to overcome.

How many of your fellow AA members ever got up and introduced themselves as a male, or female, to set a background for their behavior, and their desires to understand it?

I would not think too many, if any, listed it. I would not feel it important for you to list it. UNLESS.... you feel it contributed to your behavior. If and only if you feel your cross dressing/transgendered nature contributed to your addictive behavior should you even remotely consider it as important to discuss. If however, your guilt feelings over hiding this from others (which i also must do) contributed to your behavior, this is a matter for therapy, and even then maybe not for an AA meeting, but more importantly for your recognition and integration into your remaining sober and sane.

Shame no, guilt, uncertainty, loneliness, yes. Sometimes the two areas are very difficult to separate. Never shame.

Barbara

[PaulaQ]

UNLESS.... you feel it contributed to your behavior. If and only if you feel your cross dressing/transgendered nature contributed to your addictive behavior should you even remotely consider it as important to discuss.

Thanks Barbara Ella. I'm sure that at least some of my addictive behavior stemmed from trying to deal with the feelings from being trans. However, I'm also sure I come by my alcoholism honestly - it runs in my family. I know, though, that some of my reasons for drinking stem from my CD, and feelings about it. (Specifically feelings of avoiding it.) I think a lot of problems I've had in my life (by no means all, but a lot) probably relate back to this.

A lot of things. There was a girl I dated in highschool. Really we were more friends - I tried to date her. We'd do things and go out - but I could never really get anywhere with her. I liked her a LOT, but she always said I "was just sooo different." I thought it was because I walked funny, and maybe that's part of it. I got this a lot - that I was different - from lots of girls. But turns out she was a lot more right than I understood. I am different. Well I'll be.

[flatlander_48]

Sometimes I am known as D. but I always identify as a bisexual and a crossdresser.

What has been of value to me is to know that others are wrestling with the same issues of understanding themslves while trying to live some semblance of a Life. Unless we live as a hermit on a mountaintop, our actions have possible impacts for other people. Hopefully we have this larger context in mind as we do what we do and make the decisions we feel are necessary. Judging by the threads here, the impact of our desires and decisions is a major concern for many. In any event, what we all have to remember is that we're all just trying to make it from one day to the next. If we can do that with a smile and a bit of good humor, you know it just might turn out okay...

[AmyGaleRT]

Hello, Paula. I'm Amy, and I'm also a crossdresser, and at least partly transgendered. Unlike you, I don't think I'm supposed to be entirely a woman, but I believe I have a soul with male and female parts, and when I dress, I am expressing the feminine half of my soul. Both parts of me are valid, and my goal is to be able to function in the world in either role, and use the influence of both halves of my soul to make me a better person.

Don't cry, dear. It's OK for you to be what you are. It's OK for me to be what I am. It's OK for all of us to be who we are, who we must be. That's why we're all here.

:hugs:

- Amy

[PaulaQ]

Thanks Amy. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be, exactly, although female is part of it, for sure.

I feel a lot better getting this off my chest, and hearing from everyone.

[Rebecca_Annette]

Hi Paula,

I was - or close to being - an alcoholic. A lot of it was to do with an unhappy marriage & a wife who supported, or maybe reawakened, the CD in me, then pulled the rug from under my heels, that coupled with the fact that she was selfish, mean, unpleasant . . . well, a lot of things. I left her, found here, opened up to my sister, opened up to my current SO, and . . . well. I don't drink anymore.

Be happy with who you are even if noone else is.

[PaulaQ]

I'm not ashamed anymore. Not one little bit. I was sitting here tonight, working on something, and it just kind of dawned on me - I don't feel bad about this. I don't feel guilty. I feel no shame.

Realizing that I'm Paula, and I'm not ashamed of that - in fact everything I actually *like* about myself seems to be an attribute of my feminine side. I want to give her a chance to grow - I think I'll be a better person for it.

I'm going to have to have a talk with my wife, sooner, rather than later. And I'll be mindful of her feelings, but I won't be doing it from a place of shame.

I can't imagine this would've been possible without the kindness, compassion, support and love from all of you - thank you so much! <3

[noeleena]

Hi,

For some of us being different is normal for us & thats from birth, What ever colour or shape size or how we look or dont should not ever make us ashamed we had no say in that,

Things we do is another matter, & how we use our power or might & hurt's others then yes we should be more than just ashamed ,

its when we open up & admit what we have done is the steping stone to be reconciled to those we'v hurt then that load of shame can be lifted, admiting is again one thing reconciling is more importaint,

I work with people who have gone through abuse plus my Mother & i have been on the reciveing end so im very awear of what it means . Admiting to others is a good start admiting to those that were wronged is the real test of the person.

As you go through details & things that concern you & your S O & family just remember its not a quick fix it will take time .

I wish you all the best in what your doing, & thank you for shareing its allso importaint to share with others ,

I know there are a few who dont belive or accept that there can be any one on the forums who are for real well some of us are,
So for me its worth being here, when others can tell of thier life even with all the hurt that many go through, there can be a sunny side to our life as well , we just sometimes need to open our eye's to see it or we may miss out on life all to gether,

And my name , its for real.

Take care of your self & live your life as you should,

...noeleena...

[PaulaQ]

Hi,

For some of us being different is normal for us & thats from birth, What ever colour or shape size or how we look or dont should not ever make us ashamed we had no say in that,


Hi Noeleena, thanks for the good thoughts. You are right - there is no sense in being ashamed over things we did not choose, and had no control over. And yet, sometimes, those are the very hardest things to NOT be ashamed of.

You know what's really ironic? The part of me that faces the outside world, and keeps my feminine side hidden is the part that is ashamed and afraid. Paula isn't ashamed, and she isn't afraid. So the part of myself I've used for protection is actually the part that is most afraid. Isn't that just crazy?

[Stacy Myrdin]

hey hun,
don't give up hope on the wife, most of us GG's will let love conquer all, there is no reason to be ashamed about who you are, remember that please ;)
it can be a tough road to be on for you and the misses but if you get through this together like anything you've been through in 20 years, you'll come out
a lot stronger as a couple!
remember you both have a big family here:hugs:
xoxo S.

[suzanne]

Hi Paula. I'm suzanne and I'm a crossdresser. I sometimes think I would have been better off had I been born a girl, but I can do the alpha male thing pretty well, too. But it all works out because I'm a Gemini and so am I! Solidarity, sister!

[Christy_M]

Hi, Paula. I am Christy and I am transgender. I have felt shame for many years about who I really am. I can't speak for anyone else but what helped me get over it was seeing how many supportive people are on this site. While there are those who will tell you what you should or shouldn't do, there are plenty more who will offer their experiences to help shape the decisions you must make on your own. For many, they will never transition and that is quite all right irrespective of the reasons. For me, and others we have gone completely through to becoming the women we felt we were meant to be. Knowing that we are a part of this earth like everyone else and that how we live should not be decided by what the majority think is an acceptable lifestyle is critical to my sanity and quality of life. I wish you nothing but the best in whatever you do and I hope, like many others, that you learn how to be at peace with who you are and figure out a way to be as happy as you possibly can. Be mindful that nobody here can possibly know the details of what you are going through and the consequences of your decisions will be felt by you and your family and not anyone here. I can honestly say today that I have not felt shame for who I am for almost two years. It is a glorious thing to not think about.

[Alice Torn]

Paula, Shame and guilt could be my names! it is about all i know, other than fear and paranoia! My religion forbids any crossdressing, too, and that makes it EXTREMELY hard to be a crossdresser. But, you have a wife and kids to care for, much more than what i have, other than my guiltripping, swhaming, controlling family of origin. I went to 12 step groups for 12 yrs off and on. Sadly, the ACA meeting i go to here, is tiny, and has stopped.

[Alice Torn]

Also, tonight is the Christian Passover memorial, when those in my church really have to examine themselves, and soul search, before taking the bread and wine. Every year, i go through the emotional ringer at this time of year, especially over my dressing. I confess i do it, and it is a coping mechanism for lifetime singleness, and lack of a wife.

[nhlighthouse]

IMO there is no shame about cdings, don't keep that feeling in brings you pented up inside it will stress you out to no end and be a hinderence to your health. It is best to express yourself by crossdressing to release and soothe your inner feelings. Personally and from what I have read online here MANY have felt GREAT by crossdressing...to hell with what other people may think Your well being is parmount to what other people may think. Instilling self esteem which may be lacking in some that post here is what you have to build up to project an aura of knowhow and "I can do it" that will shine like a beacon to others...Peace to you and go for it!...Mykchelle

[EllenJo]

Paula, when I stand before my maker I will apologize for many things but wearing a skirt will not be one of them. I am as he made me, We have all overcome many things but being a complete person is something to celebrate not be ashamed of.

[Jamie001]

IMO there is no shame about cdings, don't keep that feeling in brings you pented up inside it will stress you out to no end and be a hinderence to your health. It is best to express yourself by crossdressing to release and soothe your inner feelings.

The interesting thing is that there is such a stigma in society regarding crossdressing, whereas, alcoholism which has way more damaging consequences than crossdressing is much more accepted as normal because heavy drinking is associated with being a macho man. Yes, we live in a screwed-up world.

[PaulaQ]

Paula, when I stand before my maker I will apologize for many things but wearing a skirt will not be one of them.

EllenJo - what you said is beautiful, and I love it.


The interesting thing is that there is such a stigma in society regarding crossdressing, whereas, alcoholism ... is associated with being a macho man.

Nah, it's just that several things have happened:
1. There are way more alcoholics than crossdressers, so people are used to this. (I don't help because I'm a double-count. Sorry girls.)
2. Education about alcoholism, and recovery, are much more common
3. Our society is super-uptight about gender. This is improving, but it's slow, and there just aren't that many of us to make the point. There's hope though, because it used to be super-uptight about sexuality.

And look - while I don't think the penalties for drunk driving are serious enough, for the most part, there aren't very many laws against us. At least as long as we don't have to use a restroom in Arizona...

BTW, I love all the responses to this thread. And I love all of you, too!!!! <3

[Elizabeth Ann]

Paula,

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know alcoholism, but I do know shame, and how debilitating it can be. Don't beat yourself up over it. It is so easy to fall into the trap of feeling shame about feeling shame. Rather, acknowledge the legitimacy of your feelings. Humans are social animals, and it is really impossible for us to not be influenced by the opinions of others. You cannot avoid it, you cannot banish it, and you can make yourself crazy trying.

But you can understand it, and put it in perspective. Your shame exists no farther than the edge of your skull. You created it. It is your reaction to the opinions of others. Consider the legitimacy of those opinions, and how important they are to you, and why you feel shame. Think about what are appropriate reactions to those opinions, and if you think you are acting appropriately, you may find the shame a lot more manageable.

I have a lot less shame than I used to about a lot of things, crossdressing being only one of them. But when I see tears in my wife's eyes, whether justified or not, I still feel shame. Nothing is going to ever stop that.

Liz

[PaulaQ]

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know alcoholism, but I do know shame, and how debilitating it can be.

Thank you Liz. I'm feeling much less ashamed - before I really admitted this to myself, I was dreadfully ashamed. Like I said - I've done disgusting things as an alcoholic. (At least in the past, thank god I've been sober for so long now!) I mean - I won't even go into all of it. But I can talk about that mostly.

Cross dressing, on the other hand, the only really disgusting thing I've done is how BADLY I do eyeliner. (It's just an atrocity - my eyeliner technique is a hate-crime against makeup. I need help!) Well, that and lying to my spouse about this. But hey - lying to my spouse is just the OPENING ACT in the alcoholic circus. And yet, it's way harder to talk about CD. It is a hell of a thing. Admitting it to myself was harder than admitting my alcoholism.


But when I see tears in my wife's eyes, whether justified or not, I still feel shame. Nothing is going to ever stop that.

Oh Liz - I am so sorry. I hope you both find peace with this. :hugs:

[Rachel05]

It is a strange thing to deal with but a very personal thing also for all of us, I have written about my early years and how I felt I was weird and looked for any excuse to try and mitigate what I was, but one thing I was not in my mind was a cross dresser or back in them early days, the phrase was transvestite

goodness how I struggled with that thought, it was for other people not me, I would have admitted to anything but not that, the feeling of disgust I had with myself for enjoying dressing in ladies clothing was horrible

But slowly but surely I matured and now I write the words with ease and without any negative feelings at all - I am a cross dresser - I love being a cross dresser - I want to be a cross dresser - it makes me feel good - it no longer makes me feel ashamed

My wife found out about my "hobby" as she calls it, she is not supportive in the least, she definitely has it in the seriously weird category, but I don't pretend to her, it is what it is and I tell her I am a cross dresser - hey I even tell her I like it - she hates it but I am what I am

PS - My mother was an alcoholic and eventually she died as a result and the one thing that held her back was she could never and would never admit what she was, it destroyed her

Good for you Paula, I am pleased to see you able to write the words, even if it hurts right now, even if it is hard right now

The one thing that this forum did for me in bucket loads was teach me I am not as different as I once thought and as I often say to my wife, no one died here, I don't hurt anyone, I don't cause people physical harm, this is just something I enjoy and that makes me feel good

Keep coming and keep telling us what you are until you rest easy with it, it does get easier, it did for me

[PaulaQ]

Thank you for sharing, Rachel. My dad was the same story as your mom - I guess the lesson is that not being able to admit the truth to yourself can be deadly.

BTW, I'm going to dress before seeing my therapist this week. I've never let anyone else see me before, all put together. (Well, at least as put together as I can be with my skills, which need work.) Baby-steps.

[PaulaQ]

Paula have you discussed this with your therapist? I would probably tell him or her that you plan to come dressed before you do it.

Aww, I've always been a big fan of "surprise!"

Just kidding.

Yes, I asked her about it last week. She thought it would be a good idea. We're talking over skype, so it's not like I'll have left the house, but she'll still see me. Baby steps. I'll get there - one step at a time. I'm still too shy to post an avatar photo of myself here - and y'all are the sweetest, kindest, most accepting sisters I could ask for.

I'll get there with that, too. I think I'm close.

I suspect I'll eventually vist her office dressed.

I'm going to need more practical shoes first though, some ballet flats I think. I love heels. I would probably MARRY a pair of heels if this were legal. What I love, and what I can walk in are still two different things though! ;-)


I am a little ashamed I let myself go for so long.
Ever own a car that you felt was just a complete POS? You hated the car, but it was reliable transportation that got you from point A to point B? Did you care if it got a smashed bumper? I sure didn't, and that's how I always felt about myself.