bitterness

[GabbiSophia]

A very kind persons words have let me slow my mind enough to start to understand some little things about this totall effed up mental calamity. As I read the many posts I can't help but not understand how you can let go of yourself to become a new self. I have no clue yet were I fall in thw binary of everything but the constant conversation in my head ( I believe a lot of people call in internal monologue) always tells me I am tg and I.need to become something I currentlly am not. I try to write it off as a fantasy I have created or something else but I can't shake it.

I could admit it to be medical but I am not happy to have it nor do I want to do what it wants.

I am bitter at it and I have no clue how even through becoming something I am bot would ever end the bitterness. I can understand some people I have read about because it really does fit but I do not have time for this.

I apologize my rant is over.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

at some point in the future, some thing will happen, it will happen in your mind or in your life...and things will change for you...

i get the bitterness ..i have been there big time...

its ok to try to hold on and see what happens...living only in the moment is good practice as long as it gives you some peace of mind and lets you think constructively if things change...

[stefan37]

There comes a time where fighting with one’s self internally will take such energy that it obliterates all other things. The energy needed to wage such a fight is all negative, results in other means of mitigating the fight, and in some cases destructive behavior. You mention you are not interested in becoming some other person. Well the reality is you are that other person, you just are having a difficult time admitting it and are continuing to suppress the real you. I had asked my therapist how I would know I am transsexual or need to transition and not just fantasize about being a different gender. He responded “If she exists and you allow it she will emerge”. I thought the last part was really powerful if we allow it. We can continue to fight and suffer for those we love, fears we have over employment, social situations and the list go on. Or you can stop the fight and acquiesce and allow yourself some form of self-expression, and it does not necessarily mean you need to transition. So you really have a couple options available to you and yeah it sucks big time. Your world will be disrupted no matter what options you choose. None of us chose this condition and I am sure the majority of us would have rather not been afflicted, nor have to make the decision to uproot our lives as we know them. Only you have the key to unlock your future and living in the present is good but today will become tomorrow and you have to deal with whatever ails you or take steps to correct.
I will say in my case once I made the decision to stop fighting I was filled with a tremendous surge of positive energy and allowing myself to express as I felt allowed me to get back into life and be more approachable and I wake every day looking forward to whatever challenges life can throw at me.
You alone hold the key to your discomfort and you can live with it and a week, a month, a year, but if you do nothing to change you will still be writing these posts about how life and your condition sucks. And I do agree it sucks but we have to learn how to live and mitigate it.

[Aprilrain]

Meanwhile let's hope you don't end up doing something tragic, that's where my unmitigated GID led me and many others, to the brink of suicide or worse. Self loath long enough and you would be amazed at the places that your mind can take you!

I too felt that it was a crazy unrealistic fantasy, I too didn't want to constantly think about becoming something I obviously was not (a woman) and I too worried about what would happened to my children if I were to change (I still worry about them and feel guilty but compared to the insanity I had before this is normal)

[melissaK]

Had my "angry at God moments" too . . .

Someone pointed out in a thread once that self acceptance and changing ourself requires letting go of the old you, and it has parallels to the stages of the grieving process we go through when someone dies. That process includes anger.

[kimdl93]

The inner dialogue may be what is tormenting you. Perhaps even a small change in that dialogue could give you some relief and a different perspective. For example, you seem to be telling yourself that you can never be (fill in the blank) and therefore you are being denied something, so you must feel bitter about not having what you want. Think of the number of different ways you could rephrase this inner dialogue. For example, "I cannot be a woman, today, but I can (fill in the blank). There are lots of other ways you might redirect that inner conversation to give you a more positive and more realistic and more constructive view of your present and your future.

But remember that changing the way you talk to yourself takes time,consistency and diligence. And you may find it easier if you enlist the help of a therapist.

This also does not mean that you abandon your dreams. I'm simply saying that you can break bad mental habits that are bogging you down and preventing both happiness and progress.

[Jorja]

I think you are pretty much at the same place most of us are when dealing with gender dysphoria in the beginning. We try to pass it off as fantasy or as something we have created in our minds. The truth is, it has always been there but we have managed to keep the lid on it. Some of us were even born with that bucket kicked over or the lid ajar and gender dysphoria seeping out all over the place. Now that the lid is off it is not going to just go away. Now we have to deal with it.

The first thing is to accept the hand that nature has given us. If we can’t do that, anger, bitterness, and hopelessness will eventually take over and we cannot move in any direction. We are stuck in place. The only way is to accept our situation and move forward toward a place where we can live with it. Some are able to make very minor adjustments and they get along fine. Others need to go all the way and have the surgeries to become complete to finally silence the dysphoria.

You are having trouble with anger and bitterness. You might try some self-help books to learn how to overcome the anger and bitterness. If that doesn’t work contact a therapist and explain the problem. Allow them to help you. The main goal here is to find that place where you can live with it. I do agree with what has been said about only living for the moment. Do not allow your mind to wander and get all hung up on the 10,000 things that might happen in the future. Now, today is what you need to deal with. Draw your strength and power each and every day in each of the hundreds of little interactions that make up daily life. If you do that you will see your anger and bitterness just fade away.