Struggling to cope

[Amy A]

Hi all,

I posted something similar to this in the MTF Crossdressing thread and it was pointed out to me that here would be a better place. So apologies for those who've already had to read my whinging. :)

I spent years repressing my gender dysphoria. I thought if I didn't crossdress it would eventually go away, but the thoughts were still there daily. Since I started to try and accept myself and told my girlfriend everything around 6 months ago, it feels like things have been escalating and I feel kind of lost.

I think about being female everyday. I feel like having this constantly on my mind is holding me back, and if I could find a way to be happy in my own skin I'd be able to get on with everything else in my life.

But the problem is I'm a coward. I'm scared because I feel like my options are dwindling and that transitioning is starting to become a need rather than a desire. I'm terrified of losing my girlfirend, who is my soulmate, and I'm worried about the implications for my job, which I love.

Do I fight this? Or is it best just to accept and go with the flow? I have been referred to a psychologist with a view to a referral to the gender clinic in Leeds. The girls who replied in the other forum said to see what the specialists advised, and to keep an open mind about the options available to me. I know they are right, it's just hard to feel positive at the moment.

Again, apologies for the length and tone of this post, and I'm sure you've probably already read a hundred just like it, but I'd appreciate any help.

Thanks,

Rachel :)

[Rianna Humble]

At the risk of sounding harsh - which is not my intent - I would like to suggest that at this point you do not need to transition.

The reason for saying that is that in my experience if anyone or anything is more important to you than becoming whole, then you do not need to transition and indeed to go ahead and do so might cause you unacceptable problems.

From what you say, you seem to place your girlfriend and your job security above the need to become whole. Whilst job security is not to be sneered at in the current economic climate, it should not be a factor holding you back if you do truly need to transition.

I do agree with the advice to see what the specialists say and over time you may even resolve the question of whether you need to transition or not.

[melissaK]

Sweetie. Sigh.

Well IMHO there'd be something wrong with you if you weren't afraid!!

Transition can take many forms, but generally yep - soulmate at risk. Job at risk. Some friends at risk. Maybe some family at risk. White male social privileges at risk. Future pay at a higher rate at risk. Security walking at night at risk. We could go on.

So go talk to counselors. That's a good step no matter what.

[KellyJameson]

You are walking a common path where the desire to not be alone and to have a sexual partner along with needed financial security pulls the person in one direction while they are being pulled in the other by the gender dysphoria from the internalized identity that insists on being known.

I think it is this pulling that causes so many transsexuals to self destruct by immersing themselves in drugs and alcohol or any other experience that takes them out of their own head including using woman to keep themselves from themselves by living through them as a type of proxy.

Watch closely to see if you are using your girlfriend in this way by forcing her to become you because you could potentially end up with great guilt from doing to her what has been done to you plus it will cause huge amounts of anxiety and confusion in her as your push her into a form of role reversal.

For some they are able to make small changes that allows them to have an androgynous appearance and it is in this androgyny that the mind is calmed such has wearing long hair and having facial and body hair removal.

The problem for some is the more they do the more they need because the mind insists on seeing itself as the projection of identity so if you have a firmly developed sense of yourself as female than she will continue to assert her will to live.

Do you feel like two people living in one body and you are always hiding or trying to control this "other" person?

The psychologist in my opinion is the best place to start because you need an unbiased view point.

Hide nothing from the psychologist but it can be wise to see more than one psychologist because they are known for giving contradictory diagnosis.

Learning how to manage anxiety is important so I would study self calming exercises.

The best gift you can give yourself is learning everything you can about transsexuality.

Knowledge is power.

Opinions from people help but you want to read books written by people who have actually lived the experience.

Study the subject.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

...live day to day...

what you are describing is very consistent with what so many of us went through..

the details are often different, but in general many of us spend many years pushing against the feeling of femaleness, and we call it different names, and we use coping skills that take many forms...
but then the buzzing just gets stronger and stronger...

you can live day to day for now... keep smart, think about your future, get electrolysis, see the therapist...

feel free to talk lots more..be specific, send pms to people that seem to connect to what you are saying...

this is a big deal...its YOUR life...this is something you have to proactively deal with..

get as much info as you can, and get fearless about knowing yourself even better so you can better gauge what realistic options you have

[Jorja]

I am going to tell you almost the same thing I told someone else in another post. Put the brakes on that mind of yours. Slow down and do not allow your mind wander. You cannot do anything about the things that might happen in the future. Take care of today’s problems and only today’s problems. Worry about the future when the future gets here. One day at a time.

Is it necessary for you to transition to find that place where you can live with it under control?

Have you started hair removal?

Are you seeing a gender therapist?

Learn as much as you can about transsexuality. Understand what is going to take place as you do transition. The more you know the better prepared you will be for what obstacles you face.

Yes, it maybe true that your GF will not want to stay with you if you transition. Have you talked to her about this? She might surprise you and want to stay with you.

What is the climate at your work place towards transsexuality? Have you talked to anyone from HR about their policy? Can you transition on the job?

As you can see there are a lot of questions that need to be answered. There will always be more than enough to do each day. Handle the problems as they arise.

[Ann Louise]

For what it's worth, I'm resisting my life-long tendency to jump in head first to whatever I do. People have told me all my life to test the waters first, but me, No Way, I had to do whatever it was to the max, right then.

This time I'm accepting wise counsel such as you've gained here, and slowing down, taking things incrementally. I've started HRT very recently, and intend to feel my way through, much as KellyJ mentions above. Will I go all the way through to SRS? I don't know. It sounds like absolutely what I should do, but, that will be then, and This Is Now. I'll see... Maybe I'll feel my dysphoria decline to manageable levels. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be satisfied as a relatively androgynous transgender, or maybe a "non-op" TS - and maybe not. That will be my decision - then.

I've personally found that any form of rigid thought suppression did not work well for me, or for very long. Rather, I've been taught to realize (I'm a "western" Buddhist) that as a human animal I am a thought-producing biological organism, evolved to generate and process hundreds of "should have" and "what if" thoughts every few minutes. But they are just thoughts, and I can let them go! Like bubbles rising up to the surface of a stream. They arise, and then pass away. May I suggest that you be gentle and kind with yourself, don't beat yourself up for having them, and regard your should-haves and what-ifs in this manner?

Various exercises have been developed over many thousands of years to train you to dwell in the present moment more effectively, and more effortlessly. Like paying attention to your breath passing within and without your nostrils. And feeling your feet lift, rise, fall, and press to the ground as you walk, or savoring each delicate taste of food as you eat. These are not meant to be goals in themselves, but ways to train your mind to "stay," like training a young puppy. It's working for me, right "now."

Take care dear, Elfin

[Barbara Ella]

Rachel, I can only echo what I have said before, and which has been said eloquently here. The present is, the future might or might not be.

Given that, it is always best to take care of yourself today to be as comfortable as you can, as preparation for tomorrow.

Barbara

[melissakozak]

Rachel,

A good, qualified gender therapist can help you find out more about you. A great friend of mine and I had a wonderful conversation about counseling and transition, and she tranistioned about 13 years ago, and she said rather bluntly that to transition WITHOUT counseling is foolish. Before you jump to ANY conclusions, you need to sit and discuss all of your gender feelings with someone who is well trained in trans issues. You may not need to transition to be happy, but then again, you might....but you are young and you have plenty of time to find out....

[Amy A]

Thanks so much for all of your replies, they really do help.

My doctor has started the process; first I have to see a psychologist, then I'll be on the waiting list for the gender therapist, so I will get gender specific counselling. I am currently seeing a general counsellor, but he doesn't understand the issue enough to be able to help much.

I understand the importance of living for today, it's just that today I feel anxious, depressed... empty and disconnected. I'm sure the answer to that is to let go of those feelings and thoughts, but I can't. I'm stuck in a cycle, my thoughts constantly loop back on themselves. I told a friend (someone I've known since school) all about my problems at the weekend, and although he took it really well, I felt even more lost afterwards, and I don't know why. I think I realised that things aren't going to be the same anymore, and that the little safety bubble I'd made around myself was disappearing; the safe 'known quantities' that have made me miserable giving way to a world of unknowns, and of course, risk. I'll be very honest here: the thought of another 10/20/30 years of living, feeling as I do now, not only terrifies me but feels unsurmountable, so I do need to do take action to pull myself out of this.

So here's a plan of sorts, based on everyone's advice. Reading, and lots of it, so I understand as much about this as I can. Waiting patiently to speak to the therapist and being open and honest with them when I do so. In the meantime, take steps to ease the GD such as hair removal.

The day to day I think is going to be hard, and I think there are plenty of difficult discussions ahead of me, because even without transitioning I'd like those closest to me to know the truth anyway, as that would make any 'middle path' easier.

With regard to my employers, I work in as an artist in a very small company, so how they would react would be more down to personal feelings than policy. The law would be n my side, and I think they would support me anyway, but transitioning would still inevitably have some impact on my career.

Thanks again for your replies, I'm sorry to be just another 'should I shouldn't I' girl, but this has really helped.

Rachel:)