is it ok to choose?

[cdsara]

My wife is pushing me to choose between dressing and her. Am I a bad person to choose dressing over my family because it makes me happy?? She says its an addiction and just stop! If your not going to transition then why dress? She doesn't understand and I can't seem to explain it. Hopefully the new therapist tonight can help. What do you girls think???

[Angela Campbell]

I would be looking for a good lawyer. Even if you agree it is just a matter of time.

[rita63]

It wasn't possible for me to make that choice. Dressing is an integral part of who I am, I have never been able to go long without it after 64 years. It was a part of ending my 30+year marriage but not all. At an age when I should be retiring I am embarking on a new adventure of discovering who I am with much joy and trepidation. Do what you have to hon be true to yourself. I wish all the best for you and remember all the girls here are here for you.

hugs rita

[Jenni Yumiko]

Don't make any rash statements until you guys see a counselor. We can say what we feel, but inevitably, we don't really know you or your situation intimately. Work things thru with the counselor.

[pink femme]

You have to do what u have to do. Personally, I would pick my wife as I have done all the way along. Doesn't make it right or wrong. Each individual has to make the choice given their needs and circumstances. Good luck and I hope that whatever decision you make you can comfortably live with. All the best and thinking of you x

[Beverley Sims]

I would pick my wife in the first instance and engage a counselor as well.
I would work at it with my wife until affection was not being returned, then maybe a lawyer if there seemed to be an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.
All situations are different, strong ties between partners help but if that bonding has broken it is hard to repair the damage.
Give it your best shot and try to work out a solution.

[PaulaQ]

My wife is pushing me to choose between dressing and her. Am I a bad person to choose dressing over my family because it makes me happy?? She says its an addiction and just stop! If your not going to transition then why dress? She doesn't understand and I can't seem to explain it. Hopefully the new therapist tonight can help. What do you girls think???

If she asked you to cut off your off hand, (what do you really need that for anyway?) to save the marriage, would you? It's like that - this is something that is part of you.

Hi, I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and have been for >20 years. I didn't "just stop" - I had lots of treatment, help, and support. If I could've just "stopped", I wouldn't have been an alcoholic. Let me know when you find an effective treatment program for CD/TG issues. I'll be there with you on day one. I am serious about this.

Whether it's an addiction or not is sort of irrelevant if there's no way to treat it. Alcoholism recovery is by no means a sure thing - most alcoholics don't recover. There is nothing I'm aware of that even approaches the rather pitiful recovery rate of alcoholism for CD. Those are the cold, hard facts.

I hope that counseling will help you both sort this out. Also understand that she is probably very angry with you, and hurt. It can take time to get past that.

[Marleena]

I think I forgot the question when I looked at the top half of your avatar.:heehee:

Oh yeah.. Maybe a book about it? Or maybe medical evidence that you didn't choose this much like a gay person doesn't choose to be gay.

[ReineD]

What have you done, exactly, to explain it to her? There are many resources both online and in print that will help explain the crossdressing. There are many men who crossdress. It is not a question of dressing in order to transition to become a woman, or nothing. There are middle states of gender dysphoria. Some men use women's clothes to express a feminine side of themselves that they have difficulty expressing without the clothes.

If on the other hand it is strictly fetish for you, then GGs have mixed reactions to this depending on the severity of the fetish and the open-mindedness of the GG. Some GGs think it is a fun thing to do in the bedroom as long as it doesn't take over, while other GGs do not like to be married to men who have the more severe fetishes, the kind that make the GG feel as if it wouldn't matter if she was there or not, whether the fetish (for example) is dressing in women's clothes or idolizing feet.

I dare say that men who are deeply into a type of sexual fetish (no matter what it is) that their wives are NOT into also suffer some incompatibility with their wives sexually, and it might also be difficult for them to choose between their sexuality and their wives, if sex is important to them.

So maybe you need to figure out and communicate exactly what dressing means to you, what you get out of it, how far you see this going, and how you define your gender? You also need to reassure your wife if dressing does not replace having sex with her.

If after a period of education (reading all the resources and maybe talking to people who understand this), you wife still feels she cannot approve, then I agree ... you will have a difficult decision to make.

[Lorileah]

you are not a bad person because of what you wear. You have been given an ultimatum, it is your call. One thing I have learned over the years, when you are banging your head against a wall, it feels really good when you stop.

My personal opinion? Love don't leave. Love don't make no demands

[PaulaQ]

Ugly fact 1, possibly not relevant to CD, but definitely applies to addictions - what is surprising is not how many spouses leave their hopelessly addicted partners, but how many DO NOT LEAVE, and in fact, how many are almost as messed up as the addict. Read up on codependent relationships. A surprising number of victims set themselves up for that role for reasons that are as beyond their control as those of the addict. (Not saying it's their fault - it is a horrible, vicious circle of behavior people get stuck in.)

Ugly fact 2 - derived from ugly fact 1 - as terrible as the notion of losing your spouse is, sometimes not losing them is actually worse.

I make no comment on anyone's situation, in this thread, or any other. However I have seen these two facts play out in actual cases of addiction, and in many other types of dysfunctional relationships. This is intended only as food for thought.

[kimdl93]

Its unfair of your wife to ask you to make that choice and it reveals a depth of ignorance on her part about what you are. This isn't an addiction...and yes, its physically possible for you to stop dressing, but at the price of ongoing emotional frustration and pain. Is that what she wants from you? You didn't choose to dress over your family. You are and always have been a cross dresser...whether its expressed or not. Perhaps your therapist can help get that message across to your wife. I wouldn't bet on it, but its worth a shot.

And finally, you might ask your wife why she would choose divorce over marriage to a person who is transgendered. She's making a choice too...and not one that considers your value as a human being, a partner and lover for however long you've been together. It would be equally arbitrary if you demanded that she stop being blue eyed or left handed.

[DaniG]

depth of ignorance

I think this is the key. From your post, it sounds like she really does not understand. She thinks this CD is something you do for fun.

Is there any hope of educating her?

[PaulaQ]

This isn't an addiction...and yes, its physically possible for you to stop dressing, but at the price of ongoing emotional frustration and pain. Is that what she wants from you?

Except the odds are - you won't really stop. Maybe for a while. But not forever. The statistics on this are pretty overwhelming.

So let's say, for the sake of argument that it is an addiction. Addicts don't just quit. Believe me I speak from personal experience. This does not happen. There are treatments for many addictions, but not all. So what is she proposing? There's no treatment for this. If you are in fact an addict, you are stuck with this. That is how it goes.

(You probably are not an addict by the way - just saying, using her logic, what does she expect to have happen?)

[Rachelakld]

I was also married to a girl I once loved, but 14 years latter - nearly monthly I had to stop doing things I enjoyed to "prove" how much she meant to me. At the end I realised I wasn't me anymore and I had to walk away. In lifes journey, people change, when you no longer travel the same road, it's time to travel seperately and sometimes that's hard.

[Ally 2112]

This may be rather blunt but she will have to acceppt some part of it or your marrige will end unfortunately .Councilling for both of you may or may not help but you should try before you end a marrige .This not an addiction or a choice it is what it is and if you read the post it does not go away .Best of luck ! :)

[mikiSJ]

Responding to an ultimatum will never satisfy either party. On the one hand you, maybe, will feel slighted and always wondering what if I had not bent, and on the other hand your SO may always wonder "could I have gotten more from him/her"?

I don't see much joy on the path you are about to go down.

[Jeanna]

I think I forgot the question when I looked at the top half of your avatar.:heehee:

Oh yeah.. Maybe a book about it? Or maybe medical evidence that you didn't choose this much like a gay person doesn't choose to be gay.

Exactly what you said

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Sara, so sorry to see you are mired in this. IF it were a choice, then yes, it's fair to choose. Cross dressing is not a "choice." If your wife likens cross dressing to drug or alcohol addiction, she is simply wrong. If she can not be educated about the difference, for acceptance for the moment, but if she can not recognize the difference then you are doomed, relationship wise.

Only an objective third party can hope to educate here on the difference if she is really in such a state of belief. I suspect that she WANTS to think it is just an addiction and therefore can be cured.

I highly recommend that you tell her that you do not see it as a black and white decision. It is like asking to stop seeing out of your left eye. It just doesn't work. So, rather than disappoint her periodically, is there a compromise? DADT? Putting all your things in a storage unit? Does she believe you love her? Does she believe you want to be married? These are the core issues.

[FelicityMay]

well, marriage is all about caring for someone else more than about yourself...
i know it will be extremely hard, but just lay off of the dressing up for a while, start to get closer with your wife, and make things better with her.
after you've become really close again, start to tell her about your feelings about all of it, and how you miss having it in your life.
at worst, you will have to do it in secret from now on, but at least you still have someone you care about, and not mess up your life!
i have wondered this same question since my (potential) future spouse is very against me dressing up, but i love her! and just want to make things work out

[Rachel Murphy]

I would be looking for a good lawyer. Even if you agree it is just a matter of time.

Your wife is unhappy and I'll wager there's more to it than your CDing. I hope you two can dig to the truth and resolve what ever problem(s) stand in the way of a loving and caring relationship.

Best of luck.

[Maria 60]

That's a tough little spot you in, but I am one who always believes there's a way for everyone to win. I would try for some kind of time, because we all know we can't quit and our mothers didn't raise quitters. Try to find a happy medium but I don't know if your relationship already has problems. Try to find happiness.

[Wildaboutheels]

Well, you were married to her for 10 years before you told her...18 months ago. DID you see a therapist then and now you are going to see a "new" therapist as in different one? What about your kids? If you "give up" your wife you also pretty much "give up" your kids. Or at least MOST of the time you spend with them. Is CDing just a hobby to you as for many here. If one can go days, weeks, months or years w/o dressing it IS a hobby. Do you still LOVE your wife? Does she still have this idea that you "lied all those years" or has she gotten over that part of it? Would you still be with her if not for your kids?

Of course it's OK to choose. Why would it NOT be OK? We all make hundreds of choices every single day. DO you get more pleasure dressing than from spending time with your wife?

The bottom line is she DID NOT KNOW from the start of your Relationship and it could just be that she has "tried" for the past 18 months to make it work. But it's a DEALBREAKER to her and always will be. We ALL have some kind of dealbreaker/s.

And LOVE does not conquer all nor should it regardless of how many people here claim it over and over. That's the stuff of Fairy Tales and movies.

Good Luck tonight with the new thereapist but if your wife has not softened her stance in 18 months, I'm just not sure how much good a new therapist can do.

[Gerrijerry]

There is actually no way for you to choose. You loose either way. If the counselor you see actually knows about CD's then he will tell her the truth. There is no cure no way to actually stop. So all I can do is wish you the best and find a lawyer. Sorry to say but once a wife makes that kind of statement it ends in separation. Many here have said the same thing in different ways already.

[famousunknown]

Am I a bad person to choose dressing over my family because it makes me happy??

In a word...YES. Your family needs to come first.

[melissakozak]

You won't stop dressing, and if you make promises you can't keep, then you will find yourself in a bigger mess. Couples therapy with a therapist who gets it is paramount if your marriage is to survive. You don't have an addiction....sorry to say that....Melissa.

[Brittany CD]

Your family should be a priority.

[SandraInHose]

Not trying to sound like a smart-ass, but nothing like asking a bunch of anonymous strangers to help solve your major marital and personal problems! LOL We know virtually NOTHING about you, your family, your marriage, the ages of your kids, other issues dogging your marriage, is your wife controlling, etc, etc.

My two cents...if you started a family, then you need to stick around and be there for them. I'm not saying divorce is never the answer, but familial responsibilities should ALWAYS outweigh personal pleasures. When my wife found out my secret, our kids were early teens, and I would never have considered leaving them so I could dress. Now that they're in their early 20's, things might be different if push came to shove, but it would never be an easy decision.

Any counselor worth his/her salt will tell you marriage is all about compromise. Hopefully your wife will realize this, and relax her demands a bit so you can garner some happiness while still staying together. Good luck.

[PaulaQ]

I'm surprised more people haven't suggested the obvious - hide your stuff better, and keep going, telling her "I'm cured!"
-or-
Make promises you can't keep, fall down on them, get caught, and feel "really, really bad about it."

Sometimes the two tactics are one and the same. There are many, many of us who choose the first option.

As for whether or not you are a bad person - here's a scenario:
"I can't my husband! He's a jerk! He won't change! I want a divorce!!!"
Is that guy a bad person? Who knows? Maybe she is just unhappy. Maybe he's really selfish and a jerk. Who's to judge?
This differs from that situation how exactly? Oh right, in this one you can change. OK, sure, whatever you say.

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, your wife is NOT your family! See what Lady wrote below. I good attorney will lay the options out for u. U don't have to choose between them and dressing. Maybe u will between your wife and dressing, tho?


I would be looking for a good lawyer. Even if you agree it is just a matter of time.
From my experience, when one person gives the other in a relationship an unconditional ultimatum, they're DONE! Get that good attorney now, just in case!

[Jamie001]

Marriage is all about compromise, however, the area of your brain that causes you to crossdress is a core part of your being. You can't make it go away and you can't stop crossdressing. Trying to do so will cause you to suffer depression and in extreme cases even alcohol/drug abuse. Your wife needs to understand these facts.

[Stevie]

Family comes first no matter what. Even though I know this lifestyle is part of me more than I will ever know, I know my family means so much more to me. If I didn't care I wouldn't hide it from them. Even though she knows I still keep most of it private. Sounds like you are going to see a counselor. Why not wait to see what comes out of that before you make your decision.
Do you have children? Think of how this whole thing would affect them.

[sarahcrossed]

im sorry to hear that. my ex-wife left me for that reason, and i would only dress like a few times a year and never fully. She even sent me away to a "christian" live in counseling program. it was either i do that or she would leave me any ways. but as it turned out it didnt work. you cant pray these things away. really i think it comes down to how much a person really loves some one and if they are willing to throw away their marriage vows on something you really cant change. im sorry if i seem frank or offend any one but that is how i see it. i sapose that if you want to live your life with out dressing up that is your choice, but that is a hard choice to make. and if that's what you choose to do and succeed then good luck and you have way more will power than I do. either way i wish you the best.

[Jamie001]

im sorry if i seem frank or offend any one but that is how i see it. i sapose that if you want to live your life with out dressing up that is your choice, but that is a hard choice to make. and if that's what you choose to do and succeed then good luck and you have way more will power than I do. either way i wish you the best.

It is not about "will power". That is the mistake that many of the folks here on crossdressers.com make. It has been proven that it is a core part of your being and that it cannot be "cured". Maybe it can be cured with a frontal lobotomy, but anything cure that is less drastic simply will not work. You can try with a big purge and an even bigger promise and it will appear that it has gone away for a while, but it will come back with a vengeance, guaranteed! It is important to accept this part of yourself otherwise it will manifest in other ways such as severe depression or an addiction such as drugs or alcohol.

[PaulaQ]

It is not about "will power".

Oh right you are, Jamie, right you are. Even if we use her wife's "addiction" theory - will power doesn't make any difference with that either. Never helped me any. Screw willpower - it is useless in some instances. This is one of them.

[ronny0]

IMO people that have an attitude "My way or the Highway" are hard to live with.
Relationships are about giving and taking.
We are not talking about a habit that hurts people, and some feel it is healthy for those that do it.
You don't need to be in every ones face about it, but if it is who you are, she has to give a little.
Your family has to matter, but you also need to be true to who you are.

[cdsara]

I liked the new therapist tonight. she seems very nice. She was all about me finding out what all the wife knows about c/ding truth or fiction. She pointed out all the negative stuff out there and how it might have affected her. she is not that versed it crossdressing matters but has dealt with other forms of gender issues. She was very willing to research it and help me in any way she can. I will try her for a few sessions and see how it goes.
She doesnt want me to leave her and is wondering what kind of comprimise she can make. she wants me to be happy not stop just to make herself happy.

[I Am Paula]

In a word...YES. Your family needs to come first.

Thank goodness that opinion is in the minority. Being miserable for the sake of family sounds stoic, but is insane.

[PaulaQ]

That sounds really positive Sara. I'm glad your wife is trying to work with you - this is a good sign in my opinion.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Sara, my wife and I have reached a compromise that works for both of us. Here is an excerpt from a previous post:

My situation is a little strange. My wife accepts and even has said she enjoys when I shave my legs and wear thigh highs or pantyhose. She loves the smooth legs under the covers, and it has brought spice back to our marriage. She says that is kinky and sensual. Surprisingly she purchased a silk dressing gown and some stockings for me shortly after I came out to her.

When I came out, I told her very specifically that my fetish...fantasy...need...whatever it is I have inside me, involved not just hose but stiletto heels and skirts/dresses. She seemed OK with that at the time but the first time she saw my legs in hose, heels, and the dressing gown (I had not yet acquired any skirts or dresses) I think it freaked her out. Maybe my legs looked more feminine than she thought they would. She said she didn't want to see me in heels anymore, though she knew full well I had purchased some and was OK with me wearing them when I was alone traveling.

A few weeks later I tested the waters when we were clothes shopping for her. She was looking at bandage skirts and I looked for an XL, telling her I wanted one for myself. That went over like a lead balloon. We had a big talk that night and she said if I wanted skirts, dresses, or anything else, she absolutely did not want to see me in them, would not go shopping with me, etc. I told her I would respect her wishes, but that I intended to buy some things. A few days after that she asked what I was doing on the computer, and I told her I was buying some "things" for my hobby. She just stood there, kind of surprised. I asked if she wanted to see, but she declined.

It's been pretty much DADT since then. But sometimes she seems far more tolerant. We went to some formal dinners and she surprised me by asking me if I would underdress with matching hose (asking in a way that was clear that she wanted me to do so), probably because we are always very affectionate when I am underdressed. For some reason I feel very close to her when we are wearing matching brands and shades of hose--her openly, and I in secret--and I think she has come to appreciate an attentive, more loving husband. That's been an offshoot of my dressing. On those same nights she seemed OK with some "shoe play", where we had impromptu "leg contests", seeing whose legs looked better in heels. She was completely OK with me wearing heels for a few minutes, and even let me take pics.

But I have never worn a skirt or dress in front of her. I own several of each by now, and some shoes and boots she hasn't seen. I've ordered some foundation garments, and can't wait to try them under the skirts and dresses, though right now I wouldn't dream of wearing them in front of her. But who knows? The other night she hinted that she wanted to know what else I purchased, but then reconsidered. I told her I would be happy to share whenever she was ready. Today a Macy's Spring shoe catalog came. We looked together and she laughed genuinely when I told her I wouldn't wear a style she liked, but that I'd be happy to buy it for her...

It's only been 3 months. I'm trying to take it slow. Maybe the more time passes, the more she will understand this is a relatively harmless hobby, and she is not going to lose her husband. I'd love one day to dress up completely--with her help--but that day may never come. Time will tell.



Is this optimum for me? No. Is it worth risking my marriage to indulge in my fetish (which as Reine points out, that's exactly what it is) or cause her anguish? No.

If you respect and love your wife you can reach a compromise.

[Jenniferathome]

I liked the new therapist tonight. she seems very nice. She was all about me finding out what all the wife knows about c/ding truth or fiction. She pointed out all the negative stuff out there and how it might have affected her. she is not that versed it crossdressing matters but has dealt with other forms of gender issues. She was very willing to research it and help me in any way she can. I will try her for a few sessions and see how it goes.
She doesnt want me to leave her and is wondering what kind of comprimise she can make. she wants me to be happy not stop just to make herself happy.

Major progress Sara!

[DaniG]

I liked the new therapist tonight. she seems very nice. She was all about me finding out what all the wife knows about c/ding truth or fiction. She pointed out all the negative stuff out there and how it might have affected her. she is not that versed it crossdressing matters but has dealt with other forms of gender issues. She was very willing to research it and help me in any way she can. I will try her for a few sessions and see how it goes.
She doesnt want me to leave her and is wondering what kind of comprimise she can make. she wants me to be happy not stop just to make herself happy.

So, so, so vey happy for you, Sara! I'm praying that you can work it out! You both deserve to be happy!

[Diversity]

If I loved my wife, then there is no doubt that I would choose her. I would, however, let her know that I would continue to CD in private and would do the best I could to be sure she never saw me, since it troubles her. I hope your counseler can help. Good luck!
Di

[Jenni Yumiko]

That's excellent Sara, hopefully things will brighten up! Stay positive!

[celeste26]

This is exactly why so many of us suggest that this needs discussion prior to marriage to clear the air and avoid relationships where a hardened attitude exist. I realize it is too late for this one, but in the future always discuss CDing before marriage, it will save many tears later.

[Ann Louise]

You used the term "family," but didn't mention if you have children. Are there kids involved? If so, how old? & does she really love you? IMHO family as blood is on a different level than family in marriage (i. e., a legal contract), and I might rank my priorities differently.

[linda allen]

I liked the new therapist tonight. she seems very nice. She was all about me finding out what all the wife knows about c/ding truth or fiction. She pointed out all the negative stuff out there and how it might have affected her. she is not that versed it crossdressing matters but has dealt with other forms of gender issues. She was very willing to research it and help me in any way she can. I will try her for a few sessions and see how it goes.
She doesnt want me to leave her and is wondering what kind of comprimise she can make. she wants me to be happy not stop just to make herself happy.

Did you and your wife both go or just you? I don't think it's going to help much if you go alone unless you're looking to the therapist to "cure" you.

If you want this marriage to continue, both of you need to understand the other person's wants, needs, and fears. If you can't live without crossdressing and your wife can't stay married to a crossdresser, it's over. Otherwise, you both need to come to an understanding about your dressing.

The advice someone posted about telling your wife you stopped, but just keep doing it in private is not good advice. When she finds out in a few years that you've been doing it behind her back, it will be a big blowup.

[darla_g]

its very difficult to give any meaningful suggestions without knowing more background. How long have you been married? How long have you been dressing and how long has she known? Maybe a therapist can be helpful to go things out in the open and really expose why she is so negative about it.

Of course you could do some of that even without the therapist if you just ask her: What is your biggest concern or fear about crossdressing?

[cdsara]

I have two little kids. We talked last night and she is going to to therapy also again. She wants to me to be happy so she is going to see if she can work out a compromise. I think this will be a slow long process. I am just tired of the tension.

[docrobbysherry]

I have two little kids. We talked last night and she is going to to therapy also again. She wants to me to be happy so she is going to see if she can work out a compromise. I think this will be a slow long process. I am just tired of the tension.
U need to see that therapist together. Then, your SO's questions will be answered by a knowledgable 3rd party that she may believe more than u. This will also relieve u of some of the pressure of trying to broker a compromise. Maybe the counselor can do it for u?

[DaniG]

I have two little kids. We talked last night and she is going to to therapy also again. She wants to me to be happy so she is going to see if she can work out a compromise. I think this will be a slow long process. I am just tired of the tension.

I think this is excellent progress. "slow long process" - you're right on the money. Be patient. Look forward to your relationship improving. The important thing is that you both want each to be happy and you're both willing to work through therapy to reach a situation that works for everyone. The rest is just having patience and faith and moving forward.

The other thing I would advise you to do is devote attention to your romantic life. Make sure that you spend time with her as the man she loves. Take her out. Buy her something now and then if you can. Do the little things you know she likes. Therapy and the compromise it will demand are going to put a strain on your relationship. That's a negative dynamic. Make sure you have a good healthy positive dynamic to balance it.

Good luck!

[BillieJoEllen]

I was given that choice a long time ago. We were separated for a year. I knew I couldn't live without CDing. Wife wasn't open to discussion. I am TS and dressing has become a major part of coping with that. When she came back I had to find space deep in the closet.

[Allsteamedup]

In the eighteen months since you have been out to your wife you have done just about everything you can to upset her.

At the beginning I advised work, the thorough, on-going, patient, thoughtful expressing to your wife what this meant to you. And for you to accept how much this was going to change life for her and your two small children.

Holding down a job and taking care of your family is a full-time job at the age of your children. Whenever you come on here you choose not to be specific about what upsets your wife. You always couch your problem in terms which will get you maximum sympathy without doing any work.

You took away from your wife any chance of choice when you married her ten years ago and forgot to mention your cding. In cowboy country that matters. She thought she was getting one of the boys, not a half-and-half.

Any compromises are going to be hers all the way. The worry about the children finding out. Your neighbours. Your macho workmates. The general level of stress on a young mother is enough without this.

Now she does have a choice. Unfortunately this now involves two small children. Either you step up to the plate as a decent father and husband or take all the dressing up time you want, all alone.

Of course, families can compromise. Most do not have a father dressing at home while the children are small-you go out to a support group. So you have to drive miles. OK. That's what it costs. As the children hit teenage, it gets more difficult....! You never know when they'll go searching for something, or bring friends back...

Your wife is looking for a future where your relationship does not play second fiddle to this other person in your marriage. That means a little less selfishness on your part and a whole heap more appreciation for the person who wanted to be the mother of your children.

There are good resources on this site for you to work through the most commonly-held fears that wives have about a developing relationship with a cder. You would be wise to spend some time studying them. It's a pity another twelve months has gone by since I last said that!

[Elle1946]

Choosing is not an option, you are who you are. If you can't be happy with yourself you won't be happy with anyone, all around will suffer. I tried several times to get rid of Elle, but to no avail she was still there. She is part of my mind just like my leg is part of my body. Why should we be required to choose and others not.

[Stumble]

All steamed up has said some challenging things. Think hard on them.