Family Acceptance Now 0%

[Julie]

My daughter was the only one who seemed to accept me for who I am. Then a few months ago she stopped talking to me and only answered me in an e-mail saying she couldn't talk about it. The didn't even close with "Love", something she always did.

She spent four years at a very liberal college. One time when visiting her she pointed out a banner celebrating the GLBT community. The word 'transgender' was spelled out in bold letters on it. She seemed to act proudly when I saw it.

We have been out once when I was dressed. I have a picture of us and she shows no sign of discomfort in her expression. She and I have talked about a lot about what I've gone through this past year and a half. She never believed I'd be happy transitioning and scolded my ex for ever suggesting it to me. But all the way she supported me and I could feel her love when we talked or spent time together. Then the silence happened.

She called the other day. I've been very depressed about losing touch with her and feared she had gone the way of my son and wanted nothing to do with me. That sadness came through as I asked where she's been. She got defensive and I felt she was going to end the call so I put on a happy face and soon we were talking about harmless things.

We must have talked for six hours and about half way through she broke. She told me she just can't accept me being TG and that she doesn't want to know anything about that part of me anymore. This hurt, almost as much as not talking to her. So I have a choice to live a lie or lose her. I hate going back to pretending I'm someone else.

I can't help but feel there's an outside influence at work here. I've heard some of the talk about me. It drives me nuts when others talk about how I feel or how I think and they are dead wrong. I'm afraid during those months that we didn't talk someone else was in her ear. I know her attitude about certain members of the family have changed putting them in an almost blameless situation and as the ones who suffered at my hand. I sense I am being faulted for being TG.

I heard her talk like I was the one who outed myself. If only those people I've told directly knew today it would total less than five. My ex was the one who told my daughter. She was mad at me and used this to get even with me. I had a hard time forgiving her for that. Later my daughter took a page from her mom's book and did the same with my son to get him on her side when he was supporting me about an unrelated issue. That left me with the burden of defending myself and I was unprepared.

With my daughter's decision not to accept me for who I am I'm left with a big goose egg in family acceptance. It's a pretty lonely feeling and there's nothing I can do about it. It makes transitioning look all the more attractive.

[Sharon]

I am so sorry to read this, Julie. You have my utmost sympathies and I truly hope that someday you and your children find a means to reestablish the relationships you so desire and deserve.


:hugs:

[Lauren_T]

I can't help but feel there's an outside influence at work here.
...
I'm afraid during those months that we didn't talk someone else was in her ear. I know her attitude about certain members of the family have changed putting them in an almost blameless situation and as the ones who suffered at my hand.
...About two paragraphs into your post that's exactly what occurred to me. There's no doubt in my mind that's just what's happened, someone has been working on brainwashing her, turning her against you...

Your task now would seem to be to find out who said what to her and why. I'm sure you already have your suspicions.

It's gonna be rough going, Julie, but it's not impossible to turn this around. I hope you can manage to do so... GL

[Stephanie Brooks]

v_v

I don't know what to say Julie.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you.

[Sierra]

Your children will act like children.Keep forgiving them and be loving,they will see your still the person that has always been caring for them even if your TS.As you know it takes time to gain acceptance from those who think were sic.I share your pain and its scary when we cant be who we are [without fear of being treated so unkind].

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Julie

You know, I read your post and I cried. You don't deserve what you're getting. We've never met, which I'd like to do something about, but I can tell that you're a real sweetheart. Only nice things should happen to nice people.

I'm kinda entering the same waters that you're in. I have 3 grown kids, one of them I've told about me, and he's cool with it. The other two I'm going to tell in time. I think my oldest boy will be okay with it, but I just don't know about my daughter. She's 26 and just started a career as a veterinarian, and she's planning her wedding next year. I know that she loves me, but she always clung to my ex, and she's spent years trying to poison her mind towards me. I really don't know what to do.

Anyway, I hope your daughter comes to the realization that you're still the same person she always loved before. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

GypsyKaren

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Oh, Julie I'm so sorry. Just remember you've got family here.

[Kate]

That is must be really hard, Julie. It scares me as well since although my family have been initially very accepting, I think that underneath they are having a very hard time and many of them will just sort of "drift away".

One thing I have been learning though is that what is perhaps hardest for them is the "androgenous" state. From speaking to my family I think that transitioning fast is probably the best thing for me and them since then they can get on with the bereavement of their brother/son/nephew and hopefully embrace their new sister/daughter/neice without me being a constant reminder of what they are loosing - not to mention the fact that someone who is neither quite one thing nor the other is distressing to just about everyone.

Perhaps once you have transitioned it will be easier for her to accept you again.

Kate.

[Helen MC]

Very sorry to hear that, Julie

Maybe I am too suspicious but this sounds to me like the dirty work of religious nutters. Has she got in with the Religious Right who are brainwashing her?

You know the type, they call themselves "Christian" but are anything but if you understand the principles and teaching of Jesus, in fact would crucify Christ were he to come back to Earth today. You can just hear them "Hey look at that guy, long girly hair, wears a long gown not trousers (pants) like a REAL man, hangs around with guys not women, preaches sharing and helping the poor and disadvantaged! He's a Commie Pinko Faggot!"

Again my sympathy to you , Julie. I am lucky in a way I neither require nor desire the approval of anyone and as far as I am aware my family do not know of my CD activities past and present or of they do they have never said anything about it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

julie.. sorry to hear that you are suffering

we all know.... i do think that kids attitudes can be all over the map and they are very easy to influence...by kids i mean under (25?) ....

i hope you get the acceptance you seek

hang in there best you can! we all are

michele

nice hat on the avy

[Julie]

Last night a friend of mine who is having SRS next month called. She asked, like we all do, "So how's it going?" I responded with the usual. "Fine! How's it going with you?" We talked for a couple of minutes then she asked again. I just couldn't keep it in. I poured it all out. After i was done I apologized for dumping on her. She's been through so much. But she gave me some great words of wisdom and I thanked her for that. What's funny is the first time we met I saw myself as the stronger of the two. Now I see her as the stronger one. She just keeps moving forward and has come so far since we first met about a year ago. Whatever setbacks she's encountered don't sway her from staying on course. The talk did me a lot of good.

I went out last night in semi-drab. I saw a lot of good friends but one in particular, who I've always seen as a Rock of Gibraltar, told me about his recent developments. He's divorced and said he just moved into a new townhouse (he's gay but did the straight thing, had a wife & kids, etc.) and told me how happy he is now. Then he said I gave him the strength to be himself and thanked me for it. I was floored! He and I have had a lot of heart-to-heart talks because our lives are so similar. But never did I think he needed any support. He seemed so sure of himself. So when he told me I was instrumental in helping him find happiness I was speechless. Then he looked me in the eyes and said "Things aren't going well, are they?" I wrapped my arms around his neck and started crying. I've never let myself open up to anyone like that. He held me and told me to just let it it all out. Had I been female it would have been a familiar scene. I felt like the female and this allowed me to let go. I just held onto him and cried. All the stress of trying to be someone I'm not was gone for the moment. It was such a relief to just act like I felt. I can't ever remember doing that in the presence of another human being.

I tend to be very hard on myself. My expectations of myself are sometimes set too high. Yesterday I was criticizing myself for developing a lot of 'bar friends' and almost no 'real friends' since coming out. But last night I realized that while I may only see these 'bar friends' when I'm out they are, for the most part, there to support me when I need it. It was a nice feeling to realize that.

[Holly]

Julie, my heart aches for you. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be rejected by those you love the most. I must confess that I'm a bit of an optomist. I have to believe that your son and daughter will, at some point, realize what an important part of their lives you have been and will continue to be. Time and maturity will make a difference. In the meantime, there are many here who are willing to share your burden and lighten the load. Take care...

[Vivian Best]

We are in a world that doesn't understand or accept us. Further, many do not try to do either. I think that those that unconditionally accept us are we ourselves. I accept each person on this forum as they are even those I disagree with on many things. I hope the world will some day get to the point of accepting us in that way.

I personally think each of us here have a responsibility to represent us in the most professional way possible because we never know who is watching us and using us as a role model. We have absolutely no way to know who or how many people we influence as we go about our lives.

Julie, I've always admired you because I always felt you had it all together. I didn't say you didn't have problems because you have some real challenges, we all do. Life isn't without challenges. Some are larger than others. I feel you are big enough to meet those challenges when someone throws you a curve and you know there are many out there that want to and are willing to do it, even family members.

The family membes on this forum should be supporting you from the get go. I know I for one do. Do I know how you feel? No! I'm not walking in your shoes. I do hurt because you hurt and I don't want you to have to hurt. Life isn't fair but it is the only life we have and we will deal with it, you will too.

Hopefully your daughter is just going through a phase and will get through it. I think you have to remain true to who you are and deal with her as time goes on. She has reached a point in her life where she makes her own decisions about things including you. I disagree with many of the decisions my grown kids make but they are theirs to make and I support their right to make it even when I disagree with it. Through it all, I remain firm in my love for them and we get through it.

Sometimes time is the healer of all wounds. Hopefully it doesn't have to be the healer because I sense how important your relationship is to you daughter is to you. I do hope any pray that for both your and her sake things will be made right, soon.


Vivian:rose2:

[Sarah Smile]

Oh, Julie. :(

As I so often do when I read something like this, I find myself at a loss for words. All I can say right now is that my heart goes out to you.

:hugs:

[Julie]

Thanks so much ladies! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. The outpouring of love and support here brought tears to my eyes.

But things are improving, with me anyway. For those of you who know me you've probably heard me talk about Dawn. There was a time I was so crazy about her. I later realized I was holding onto a dream as she was total lesbian and that would never change. Still we remained friends. But she's done hurtful things to me. I needed her so I ignored it. My self-respect was bring eroded.

Saturday I saw her and once again she treated me like crap. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. Finally I realized I had it. I walked up to her and told I was tired of being treated like this and she was out of my life for good. It was an emotional reaction and I wondered if I did the right thing.

When I woke Sunday I thought about it and felt a huge weight was off me. I realized I was hanging on to something that wasn't there. She was the first GG who accepted me for who I am and I just couldn't let that go. Having her in my life was a serious roller coaster ride, one day she made me feel like the most important person in the world the next she ignored me. It was too much so I had to get her out of my life.

As the day went on and all through Monday I realized I've brought people into my life that aren't good for me. Some were very nice people I've felt sorry for but lead a destructive lifestyle. I would get into helping them and forgot about taking care of myself. When I told one of them I had to walk away from our friendship because she wasn't going to change she said, "What about me? I need you!" I looked at her and said, "I've been hearing that all my life and all my life I've been caving in. I do what makes them happy. They walk away happy and I'm left with nothing. I have to take care of me or I'll never be happy." She didn't respond.

It's now been only a couple of days but I'm clearing house and already feel better about it. I'm taking back control of my life again. Now I just have to keep that foremost in my mind.

Thanks again for being my friends :gh:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Julie, I'm glad to hear you're regaining control of your life. I'm sure some of these steps are tough, but they sound necessary.

[ChristineRenee]

My heart goes out to you Julie. I too am TG and my family...for the most part...doesn't know. I would like to tell them eventually, though I'm very concerned about how they will take it. While it is very hard to be this way, I am not ashamed of it and would never let anyone make me feel inferior or try to break down my self-esteem. That said, it still hurts a lot when those who should be closest to you...and your biggest supporters...just can't accept it.

You have to be who you are Julie...and I hope that your family will eventually come around to seeing you for the wonderful caring person that you are, as we have here. Hang in there girlfriend!:hugs:

[RachelDenise]

Julie, it sounds as if you have come to a point in your life where things are quite crazy. I can tell you that we are here for you, just as you have been here for many of us. Don't forget you are loved and we wsnt to do anything that is possible to help. I can say that I have nobody in my life that I can talk to about the CDing thing, so coming to the forum is my outlet. Stay in touch with your feelings and don't think it'll just go away. Deal with it and make a new reality!

[Kimberly]

You will be in my thoughts hunny.

An incredibly touching story. xxx

[Sophia Rearen]

Julie,
Well, now I'm teary eyed. Would sending your original post to your daughter be possible?
Hugs,

[Julie]

Julie,
Well, now I'm teary eyed. Would sending your original post to your daughter be possible?
Hugs,

Sophia, we talked that day for hours on end and she made it clear she doesn't want to hear anything more about my TG side. If she was ignorant about it I'd want to see if she was willing to learn. But she's known about me since she was 16 (she'll be 23 in Jan.). She's talked this over with friends in college who were understanding and helpful, some told her they were jealous of her and wish they had a dad like that "so he'd be more understanding". She's read a lot about it. She's been with me dressed. She's seen many pictures. There was a time it seemed she was actually proud of having a TG dad.

It's possible that the idea of her dad transitioning made her go the other way. She did say in our conversation she wanted her dad to be her dad, forever. She may fear I'll transition and she's making a stand and letting me know how things will be if I do.

She just started 'dating' a guy who is in the service. She's only been with him once. He's now in Korea. But "he's a tank mechanic, a rugby player, a martial arts expert and a big muscular guy". Many times she repeated that description during our conversation. I walked away with the impression she was going to extremes to find the most macho guy she can to make up for what her dad isn't. I've never known her to be attracted to super macho guys. My younger son sort of fits that description (wrestler, weight lifter, physical fitness nut) and she's many times criticized him for being so "shallow". My older son is anything but that and he and my daughter get along great.

She's never fallen for a guy on the spot. It usually takes a long time. She fell for this new guy the first time they met but it was during the several months we weren't in communication. We've always been close and we've spent countless hours talking about the guys in her life. I've helped her through each and every one of those relationships but only when she comes to me looking for help. I think having me out of her life (her choice) was responsible for her getting involved so quickly and become attached to someone very different than who she's usually attracted to. I think she's seeing him as a replacement for me.

She's coming home the 17th. She'll be staying with her mom at least that night. Her bedroom here is still just how she left it and has all her stuff so this is the logical place for her to be. But I think she's afraid she's going to see something here she doesn't want to, like her dad looking female. She did mention she wanted to come over to walk the dog. Maybe that will be the ice breaker. Once the two of us can spend some time together I'm confident things will be better.

She's 're-categorized' me. I haven't changed but her image of me has. Since most of my family is freaked out by their newfound knowledge of who I am and since she lives 1000 miles away hanging out with who knows who, there's a lot of people who could have gotten into her head. I don't think her present image of me came from within.

I just keep thinking about last summer when we spent a day together. She had drifted away from me and I didn't know why. But at the end of that day she told me I was still the same person but that her mom had said I was crazy and that's why she was acting distant. She was upset at herself for not waiting until she saw first hand if I had changed. She'll see again I'm still the same and hopefully she'll finally learn she has to stop letting others change her attitude towards me. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[DonnaT]

I'm sorry to hear your daughter has drifted like she has Julie.

Hopefully, your daughter will take to time to explain why she's finding your being TG so much harder that before. Maybe it's that she worries what her boyfriend will think, should she bring him home to meet 'dad'.

It does sound like she doesn't realize your being TG is something that can't just be switched off.

You already know you can't really change your life to suit others and be happy. All you can do is leave the door open for them to come into your life, should they so choose.

I hope she comes around to being more understanding.

[CaptLex]

It's possible that the idea of her dad transitioning made her go the other way. She did say in our conversation she wanted her dad to be her dad, forever. She may fear I'll transition and she's making a stand and letting me know how things will be if I do.

Julie,

You may have already thought of this, but I want to say it sounds like maybe she's afraid of losing her father. You know, maybe she's thinking that her male parent is being replaced by someone unknown and she won't know how to relate to you once the transition takes place. Maybe intellectually she knows you're the same person, but sometimes our feelings (and insecurities) knock common sense out of the equation. Could be that she's come to this idea on her own, or maybe someone else has presented it to her, but it just sounds to me like she's afraid of something, and it might just be the unknown.

I feel your pain and I hope she comes around - hopefully once she sees that nothing can change your love for her. :)

[Kim E]

Hi Julie ~
I feel so badly for you. I know exactly what you are going through. My ex wife poisoned my two daughters and they turned away from me for several years. It was an exceptionally hard time, so much so, I can hardly put it into words. It was very difficult, but I backed off and waited for them to come around. Over time they both did. They finally realized I wasn't this evil demon that their mother portrayed me to be. I can't express the emotion I felt when they first called me and told me they were sorry and that they loved me.

I really don't have any advice for you, Julie, other than to say don't give up on your kids. Very often time has a way of healing things and with the young, time often opens up communication, which can lead to understanding and acceptance.

Hugs ~ Kim

[Nicole_P]

My best to you Julie- I fear this may someday happen to me- It will be then that I come to this group for comfort...

[Sophia Rearen]

Julie,
Thank you for replying to me and thereby you. I hope just writing helps you gather your thoughts.
I'm confident that your daughter will come around. There is too much of historical bond between the two of you. Love conquers all.