The bed

[PaulaQ]

So bear with me for a moment, while I relate this little story, because I think it relates to the way a lot of us feel, and a lot of the problems we face.

My favorite greek myth is the myth of King Procrustes.

King Procrustes was a wonderful host - he LOVED to entertain guests, and feed them lavish meals, and have them stay the night. He absolutely loved this! Indeed, he was so intent on having his guests have the best possible night that they could, that he had a special bed - the perfect bed - installed in his guest room so that his guests would have the best night of their lives!

Now a discerning person might ask "hey, wait a minute - how can any one bed be perfect for everyone? People are different sizes and stuff, and they might not even fit in the bed well?"

Well the King had an answer for that, although his guests didn't know about it until they got there!

If you stayed the night and were too short for the bed, he had you stretched on a rack until you fit perfectly! A workable solution.

And if you were too tall for the bed, well that was simplicity itself - he just had your feet and legs lopped off until you fit JUST RIGHT!

Societies expectations about our roles, identity, appearance are a lot like this. We build this one size fits all model out of our collective expectations, and when someone doesn't fit in, there is a strong tendency to force 'em to fit in.

To make matters worse, we do this to ourselves, most of us, unconciously. Not just us - I mean almost everyone in society has something about themselves that they don't like, but is really JUST FINE - but everyone thinks it isn't. We just tend to be kind of out there and in need of lots of hacking.

Anyway, just a thought. I am sure I'll feel better after I quit trying to saw off my own legs.

[kimdl93]

I grew too tall for my bed, but was wise enough not to complain!

[DaniG]

At 6'8" I live that story.

[mikiSJ]

I grew too tall for my bed, but was wise enough not to complain!
Dammit! Now I have to clean the laptop screen.

Paula

Nicely stated admonishings. We sometimes tend to look very critically at the trivial and pass over the really important.

[PaulaQ]

At 6'8" I live that story.

I bet! My point though, is that most of us do to one extent or another, frequently self-imposed. Only a tiny number of people are a perfect fit - maybe nobody really.
If the bed we're talking about is appearance and gender - well, a lot of us don't fit well in it at all. We feel badly over stuff that's entirely arbitrary, because everyone knows "that's how it's supposed to be." I know I certainly have internalized this.

[Julogden]

We need a "Like" button in the forums. ;)

Very nice, makes an excellent point.

Carol

[DaniG]

We need a "Like" button in the forums. ;)

I like that. :thumbsup:

[Angela Campbell]

It is true that we all have something we do not like about our bodies, life, relationships or something. What has not been said is we all also have something we can all be proud of or happy with. Sometimes we just don't see it because we spend too much time on the negative side. I am transgendered. OK I didn't ask for it but I am. I am also going through a divorce. My second one. I work too many hours for a boss that doesn't seem to appreciate what I do. Fine!

I also see the good side. I have recently lost over 100 lbs, I have a nice home, a new car, some wonderful "sisters" whom I have only known for about 6 months but I already love dearly, and I have a very active and fun social life. OK and I got a new dress today....

I figure you can't have it all and I will never have everything I want line up perfectly. I try to find what I can have and do that will make me happy and improve my life and set my goals on that. It is up to us.

[Alice Torn]

so sad but true, how we are "forced" into societal molds. Sadly, it has always been a rather cruel world, for the most part.

[flatlander_48]

Anyway, just a thought. I am sure I'll feel better after I quit trying to saw off my own legs.

Sadly, it is a very human trait that we don't always act in our own best interest...

[PaulaQ]

anyway, just a thought. I am sure i'll feel better after i quit trying to saw off my own legs.sadly, it is a very human trait that we don't always act in our own best interest...

oh come on! Everyone saws off their own legs!!!! What's wrong with you!!!! ;)

[RADER]

That i a cute story; However, being stretched to fit a bed might make you to long for your
bed when you returned.
And there is the Lobing off of your legs. That just might hurt a lot. I know I do not want to go
through such a deal.
Now if he had a corset to cinch you a size smaller, I just might give it a try.
Rader

[Trysha]

I think I can speak for most of us in that being a cross dresser is a joy of achievement , and a thrill of creative effort.
I don't need a saw,but a new pair of shoes,and a Spring jacket would be nice.

[Beverley Sims]

I have learned to live with all my disabilities, whatever they may be.

[docrobbysherry]

If hypnosis worked forever on everyone, wouldn't the world be a different place?

No. I don't mean religious hypnosis. The sideshow kind. It's more upfront.

[Tara D. Rose]

I would just sleep under the bed,
na na na na naaa.

[PaulaQ]

Theseus' solution, was to make King Procrustes sleep in the bed. The king didn't fit either. Really dark physical comedy ensues.

[Angela Campbell]

The problem comes in when you can feel the pea under the mattress.........just call me princess.

[Lacy PJs]

I'll buy your notion that we sometimes place restrictions on ourselves. And I will also accept that society does the same. But now the part that no one wants to address: in order for soceity to function, doesn't there have to be some restrictuons on ALL members of that society? Does society have a collective "right" that is necessary for the good of all even though all of us may not agree?

It's that arguement about your rights end where someone else's begin... and I contend that the "someone else" can also be society in general.

You want to race your car at 80mph down a suburban street; I want to live on a street that isn't a racetrack.

You want to play your stereo at full volume at 2.00AM; I want a good night's sleep.

You want to wear your duct tape "suit" to the semi-formal dance; I want to go and enjoy myself without a bunch of strange-ness.

Or... if you want to get a little closer to home... you want to use the ladies room when en femme; my wife would prefer that men not be in the ladies room.

You want to wear a dress to work; I (as an employer) want to present a certain image to the public that isn't compatible with that.

So... we always think about OUR RIGHTS but seldom take into consideration the rights of others. It's a very fine line... and one that is often crossed... in both directions.

Lacy PJs

[PaulaQ]

Lacy, some of the restrictions are needed - anarchy isn't an option. (Anarchy sounds great in theory, in practice anarchy = might makes right.)

My point is that many restrictions are arbitrary and cruel. For example, women in pants used to be scandalous. Now? No big deal. What changed? Our attitude.

Boys are supposed to be boys and girls are supposed to be girls, right? If you don't fit that mold - well, you just better conform.

This stuff is changing - don't get me wrong. But it is really hard to go against the sort off global implicit expectations about how we are supposed to live.

BTW, although this affects us badly, I'd argue that GG have it pretty rough because of this stuff too. There are vast numbers of, I think, truly beautiful women. Only a tiny number of them have the genes to meet society's image of beauty, and lots of them feel horrible about their looks for no good reason.

There are lots of things that are just arbitrary and kinda cruel.

Recognize when that's being done to you. Recognize when you are doing it to yourself.

I am having some luck putting the saw down today, fwiw.

[DaniG]

Well said, PaulaQ.

[Lacy PJs]

Boys are supposed to be boys and girls are supposed to be girls, right? If you don't fit that mold - well, you just better conform.

But why? Why are some restrictions "needed" while others are "arbitrary & cruel?" I would suggest that this comes from one's personal opinion, attitudes & beliefs and not necessarily what is "good for society." It's probably what we feel that is offensive that is needed and what we want to do that is labeled as arbitrary & cruel. You want to speed but don't like loud music; I want to blare my stereo but don't want speeders. We both want to dress as we please w/o being rejected by society but neither of us want (fill in the blank). I'm only trying to point out that often what is perceived as unnecessary is based on what we want and not necessarily what is good for the whole.

Lacy PJs

[PaulaQ]

Lacy, here are some reasons I feel these are cruel and arbitrary in our case:
1. There is some probability that at least some of us suffer from some type of inherent defect in our minds that makes our mental gender reversed from our physical gender. The degree we process these mixed signals, and the extent of this issue varies from person to person. Most of us didn't ask for this. And for the most part we do no harm. The guilt and social stigma do not match the rather minimal issues we cause - this is the very definition of cruel - the response is much worse than the issue merits.
2. Fashions change massively over time, yet civilization doesn't end. This implies that it is arbitrary. The world didn't end when women put on pants.

Comparing social taboos to traffic laws is silly. Physics tells me that if I exceed the speed limit especially in hazardous conditions, I can gravely injure myself or others. No such issue exists with cross dressing.

Basically people freak out and over react to a total non problem. The fact that some over react is a reality, and this is cruel and arbitrary, especially when shame or guilt drives one of us to suicide, which certainly happens. (I presume there is a good reason my therapist asked me no fewer than three separate times whether or not I was suicidal.)

I don't see much difference between this and gay rights, except some of us (like me) look funny.

Living with discrimination from being handicapped all my life (try applying for a job at the worst convenience store in town on the graveyard shift and being turned down because they feared my relatively minor handicap would interfere with my ability to sweep), gives me some experience in the realm of 'cruel and arbitrary social mores.'

Edit: one further example. I had a client in Dallas in the late 80's. He asked me whether or not he should hire this tech he'd found. Young guy, super sharp ex-military. Problem was, he was black, and my client worried that his banking clients would not deal well with that, because the executives were old and prejudiced. He worried he'd lose business if he hired the guy.

People can be cruel and arbitrary. I'm quite sure no one involved with the discussion was a member of a hate group, or particularly evil. Their view of the world was simply arbitrary and cruel to that young man.