Two really, really LONG years . . . .

[Anne2345]

It just occurred to me that I have now been a member of cders.com for two years now this month.

During this time, I can honestly say that much has changed for me.

In the grand scheme of things, however, two years doesn't seem like it should or could be that big a deal.

In this regard, it is quite common to hear people say that "time just flies by." People, in fact, say this all the time.

For me, though, the past two years have not flown by. In fact, the past two years may as well have been the last 20 years for me, for what it seems. And actually, I mean, it seems like two years ago was actually several life times ago for me.

But for all of my writing and posts, I can hardly even remember the person I was back then. It just seems soooooo long ago. Yet, it's only been two measly years!

I have talked about this phenomenon with Lea. She has reported a similar experience with her perceived relationship with the passage of time, as well.

It's bizarre, it's difficult to wrap my head around, and it's completely mind-blowing.

So what gives, if anything?

[kimdl93]

Time is an illusion, right? Even physics suggests as much. Maybe the apparent length is relative to all that you've packed into the tie span.

[Jorja]

It has been my experience that when you are in those beginning stages of trying to make the decision and then actually going ahead with transition, time can stand still. Many that I have met and going through my own transition, even the first two to three years after GRS seem to go slowly. Then all of a sudden 7-8 years have passed and you can't figure out where the time went.

I think it has to do with all that has taken place during that time period. You have experienced so much. Your mind has been so busy processing and learning. It is kind of like a computer that does not have a lot of memory and a lot to get done. You wait and wait for the result. When you see the final results you can't believe how much time has passed to get there.

[Aprilrain]

I've noticed this phenomenon as well.

[LeaP]

It's true. Decades went by almost without notice. And the last two? Hard, long, and confusing. Everything has changed. It's like being reborn. I don't know how I ever could have been the person I was. Blind - just blind.

Anne and I have been in sync for a long time. Change for change, state for state, pain for pain, concern for concern, decision for decision. At times it's seemed fast. At other, slow. There seems to be a natural pace to this, though, right down to how and when the realizations surface, the timing of the highs and lows (e.g., with the start of HRT), the progress of family issues, the process of self-acceptance, etc. I have needed her, because we have shared our current experiences, as much as I've needed all of you, because you guided the path ahead.

Mind blowing indeed.

[KellyJameson]

It has been two years on the forum but think about what brought you to the forum.

For those experiencing gender dysphoria this forum is a beacon of hope and a sanctuary.

This forum is one of nine forums that I have used to put the pieces together along with hundreds of books, articles and therapy sessions.

The problem did not pop into existence two years ago but many years ago.

It just takes many years to get the courage together to face it.

You have to be at the point where you are willing to trash your life and usually that means having one foot in the grave.

I knew where you were headed the first time I read your words because your emotional "vibe" was so much like my own.

The pain of gender dysphoria sticks out like a sore thumb from the crossdressing.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to be married and have children on top of the GD.

I would be dead for sure if I had been in that position. It would have ripped me in half and that is why I always ran from commitment.

My survival instinct kicked in but I can see how for others the gender dysphoria can take you right into marriage in the hopes you may experience a type of reprieve from it so you marry to "man up" never realizing that is impossible because you are not one.

The guilt becomes a real killer because than you feel this "debt" you owe your partner which locks you into not transitioning for them, turning the person into a ticking time bomb.

The debt and love for them becomes mixed together tearing the person to pieces as they not only are pulled in opposite directions with gender identity but trying to save themselves without hurting those they love. You are fighting battles on multiple psychological fronts.

What a nightmare and if they do not have a wife that understands she adds to their torment.

I look at my live and I'm constantly amazed that I'm not dead.

Plus gender dysphoria does not travel alone inside a person.

Other things come out of it like ADHD, PTSD, autistic like behaviors, dissociative states, depression, anxiety,ect...leaving you in a very fragile psychological state where the last thing you want is more stress from a marriage that is your only anchor protecting you from the storm happening inside your head.

Looking back from the new perspective it is difficult to imagine how so much could change in so little time while looking into the future time seems to drag endlessly if you are only taking the first steps toward change.

[Marleena]

Anne I think it's great that you and Lea share a bond and a commonality in your paths. For me I seem to change my mind weekly on how myself or others should progress. I'm sure you've seen it from me.:)

[josee]

Anne, I joined like 2 days after you did and would agree with what you are saying. Time feels like it is actually standing still right now.
But when I look back I wonder what happened to my 30's and 40's.

[melissaK]

Sweeties, questions about time perception? Don't you girls learn anything from the movies and TV you watch??

http://youtu.be/_J_Q_mkw-Vw

And

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rtkdo7bOmJc&sns=em

Hugs!

PS, and now I also have that Grateful Dead song lyric stuck in my head : "what I want to know-o-o-o, is where does the time go?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EoQ3GkH4Zc&sns=em

[Miranda09]

I think maybe the big difference is that you are enjoying life more than you did in the past...you are happier with yourself, which tends to make even the recent past a vague memory. Just an observation. :)

[melissaK]

Doh! F*** Anne, really, I read that post before bed, make a two cent reply and now its 3:00 am and my subconscious wakes me up because it has too much to say about it.

First, the F*** synaesthesia part of my brain is screaming out these images for you to interpret as you will: "Persistence of Memory" and "The Disintegration of the Persistence of Memory"

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-E2HaGZUd2sg/TuSdS7ceapI/AAAAAAAAAiM/Y4VQ6SevSIE/s400/thepersistenceofmemory_dali_1931.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LHM5P-N6Xxk/TuSdg2it9tI/AAAAAAAAAiY/7z8vJsKsHOw/s400/thedisintegrationofthepersistenceofmemory_dali_195 4.jpg

Second, the logical part of my subconscious brain has to explain to you that it thinks you are exactly right Anne, TS are likely to have a F****d up sense of time, and there's a sound scientific theory for it.

So here goes, a serious analysis of time perception by our brains.

Here's the deal, ever been scared to death in an accident and had everything move in slow motion??? It's a pretty common experience. I've had it a few times in my life - 4 car accidents (ok, it was 3 car accidents and one motorcycle accident), 1 robbery with a deadly weapon (I got shot at from 10 feet away).

So what happens is this. Your brain gets scared and your adrenal glands sitting on your kidneys dump a shitload of epinephirine and dopamine and other chemicals that are responsible for carrying chemical messages between your brain cells and muscle cells. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrenal_medulla http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrenaline_Rush

Basically your brain supercharges itself and has a hugely increased ability to think. The amount of thoughts you can come up with per second has been increased. Got it? It thus thinks faster than it otherwise could.

Now its like slow motion photography. In normal movies the frame per second filming rate is 24 pictures per second. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frame_rate In slo-mo you simply take more pictures per second, like maybe 5 times more than normal, then you play the pictures back at a normal picture per second rate. It takes 5 times longer to show what happened and viola! You have a slo-mo movie.

So your brain works the same. Amped up on dopamine it makes and records thoughts at 5x your brains normal rate - and then when you think back on the event at regular brain speed you have enough memories stored to recall the experience in slow motion.

Simple eh?

So NOW your asking, "'Lissa, What the F*** does this have to do with us TSs?"

Well brainiacs who think about this sh*t as part of their own inner muses path to fame and glory, have figured out other things warp our brains normal frame rate - hallucinogenic drugs, and EMOTIONAL STATES.

"We wish to show that the experience of time depends on a complex set of brain–body factors that include cognitive, emotional and body states." http://rstb.royalsocietypublishing.org/content/364/1525/1809.full

Well, F%^*!! Think MTF's coping with transition might be a warped emotional brain state???

And Anne Sweetie, warn me not to read your frigging posts before bed, it leaves my subconscious waaaaay to frigging busy.

Hugs.

[Barbara Ella]

Love Melissa's approach, and yes, true. From a different perspective. Life seemed to drag through most of my work time. Loved the work, and people, but time passed slowly. Retired, began enjoying a new life, and suddenly it is 7 years later and I am wondering WTH was I doing during that time.

And now I have gone and F'ed it up with the additional gender dysphoria over the past 18 months, which at least has slowed down the passage of time for awhile, just wish it had been enjoyable. So yes, have to agree, we are most likely a messed up chemical mish mash that makes the perceived perception of time decidedly not normal for us here.

Stay positive

Barbara

[elizabethamy]

Your mind has been so busy processing and learning. It is kind of like a computer that does not have a lot of memory and a lot to get done. You wait and wait for the result.

Exactly, Jorja! I'm at that place right now and it does seem as if this has been my only issue forever, but it's been (for me) less than two years. I can so relate to Anne's OP. So, now that you are well and safely on the other side, could you maybe lend me some extra RAM chips so that I could process all this information before I get too old to do something about it? Thanks,

elizabethamy


Anne I think it's great that you and Lea share a bond and a commonality in your paths. For me I seem to change my mind weekly on how myself or others should progress. I'm sure you've seen it from me.:)

Marleena, don't worry -- you're never alone! Certainly you and I are on the same team of mind-changers and wheel-spinners...

[Tammy V]

"December 21, 2012 marks the completion of the Great Mayan Cycle, and the beginning of a New World Age. There are many predictions of what might happen on this day that, if they do not occur, could mislead many to perceive this date as meaningless. By focusing too heavily on external events, one may be missing the true significance of this prophetic date. Regardless of what happens externally on this day, December 21, 2012 is a clear marker of the transition of World Ages. This synchronization is inviting all of humanity to open to imagining, envisioning and actualizing the possibilities of gradual, positive transformation of our human culture in harmony with the Earth. As we internally align with this grand shifting of cycles we can contribute our personal inspiration and commitment to being part of this collective transformation."

Thought this might be relevant..:)

[Jorja]

Exactly, Jorja! I'm at that place right now and it does seem as if this has been my only issue forever, but it's been (for me) less than two years. I can so relate to Anne's OP. So, now that you are well and safely on the other side, could you maybe lend me some extra RAM chips so that I could process all this information before I get too old to do something about it? Thanks,

elizabethamy

I wish I could lend you the RAM chips. When I was going through transition, the computers available were small and slow compared to what we have today. My RAM burnt up about halfway through transition. However, I could lend you the money to buy more RAM if you need it. ;)

[Marleena]

Marleena, don't worry -- you're never alone! Certainly you and I are on the same team of mind-changers and wheel-spinners...

Well I have learned that sometimes the best advice is no advice, at least from me.:) I realize I cannot mind read or know the level of GD another person is experiencing or what might help. I'm on my own roller coaster ride. I weaned off HRT for a couple of weeks thinking I could stop. Looking back my reasoning was stupid and emotionally charged by a couple of events. I soon had my meltdown and was going back to point "A". So here I am back on HRT again. I'm glad I never suggested to anybody else to do the same.:doh:

I have no idea if I can or will get to point "B" however. Maybe the wheels will fall off instead.:heehee: