To those who want to go out but are afraid of...

[Jenniferathome]

"afraid of..." What exactly? Ridicule? Whispers as you pass by? Worse? Well, after another successful evening out I wanted to pass on some perspective from my experience.

First, I was with my wife in San Francisco (yes, the most accepting place possible, probably) but we were headed to see a Broadway show and I would be sitting next to the "normals" for hours. I would be in a cab. I would have to walk a few blocks to and from the theatre, and eat in a crowded restaurant.

This was only my fourth experience out where socializing with the population would be required and as I readied myself in my hotel room, my butterflies began to fly. Like you, "What if..." kept running through my head. I don't want to be embarrassed any more than the next guy. But, what's really interesting, is that any nervousness I had, once out the door, all fell away. It's been like that each time. The pressure we heap on ourselves is really just that; done to ourselves. So my advice to any newbie is this:
1) Stay out of your own head. You will not "pass." People will notice, accept it.
2) Carry yourself like you belong. You have as much right to go anywhere as the "normals"
3) Go out with a friend when possible. Women don't usually go out alone.
4) Dress for the occasion and location.
5) Engage with the people around you. It's amazing to see it in action. People are fearful of what they don't know. It's hard to be fearful when your chatting with that person.

If you want to out, you can. You are your own worst enemy. Have fun:-)

[kimdl93]

Great advice. Number five especially. Engaging people seems to bing out the best in others and in ourselves.

[Lynn Marie]

Excellent advice Jennifer. Thanks for posting it.

Believe it or not, the same thing goes for skydiving. Once you're out the door, all your fears dissipate. LOL

[Stephanie47]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

[rachaelsloane]

It's so nice to hear that you think I'm one of the "normals" as I had the pleasure of going out with your wife and you the other night.
Jenn, your points are so right on especially your last words Have fun:-). I go out quite regularly now with a partner in
crime that talks to EVERYONE and we've met some great people, two of which you met the other night. During one of our early on conversations, the person we were talking to, said that once into our conversation, we totally disarmed them and the fact that were wearing dresses, was a non-issue.

[Fran Moore]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Very true. If you have doubts, play it safe and take your "show" on the road.

[Jenniferathome]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Stephanie, I agree with your premise. My only point is that one CAN go out. Visit a city 30 minutes away or two hours away. Or San Francisco.

[Cindi Johnson]

Yes, I've been to SF and loved it, BUT allow me to put in a word for the flyover zone.

I've lived in Houston, Dallas, Austin, Wichita, and Minneapolis
(Yes, I'm not young anymore). I've been out and about in all these places, countless times, and have driven IH 35 end to end, dressed, and have never once been harassed. I am marginally passable, but I know that I often don't. So, I just wanted to say that big cities are mostly accepting of us, even in the bible belt.

I will say that I rarely go out at night, alone. There is a reason GG's don't do that; they know it is not safe. But other than that, no problem: from Walmart to Macys, Payless to DSW, McDonalds to Starbucks. Never a problem, not once.

[Rhonda Ann]

It's a whole lot easier when your with your consenting wife and friends. In my geographical area, I'm sure there are other CDers but none I have met and have never seen any out in public. I think CDing here is behind closed doors. I have checked around and the only thing I could find that may be CD friendly is a gay bar. When you have no friends that would understand, it makes it really difficult. You say take the show on the road? By myself? I don't think so. I stick with my first statement, if you have friends and/or family to hang out with, that would make a big difference.

[Fran Moore]

I agree Rhonda, having friends, or going out with a group makes it much less difficult. So how do you find them? When I suggested going on the road, I was somewhat referring to attending TG events such as SCC in Atlanta, Esprit, Be All, etc. where there are hunreds of like minded folks to go out and mix with, and the opportunity to meet people from your area that you might not even know existed. This gives you contacts once you get back home so that you WILL have friends you can go out with locally or in the same general area in which you live. Having even just one friend to share with makes a big difference!

[Lorileah]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Funny, I saw more nonacceptance in SF than any other place I have been. Granted the California area is better than say Redneck Falls middle America but no matter where you go the "normals" as Jennifer called them notice. But people have an agenda and unless you interfere somehow with that agenda, they really don't care and they forget you within minutes unless you are outrageous.


And when did we become a "sexual" minority? Most here don't incorporate "sex" in their dressing. We are a minority, yes. But we don't need to compartmentalize that even more. We are a gender different group. Why do we think we have to take it on the road? Would any other minority go elsewhere? No. This country is a melting pot" as I remember. Yes there will always be those who don't like what we do or who we are. They can just go about their business. We can't change them. It would be that way if you were say Latino in some places. It is that way even for GG's now. Allw ecan do is be aware and safe in what we do.

As long as "we" believe we are wrong, then our "family, friends, neighbors and employers" will believe we are wrong. They aren't friends if it bothers them. Neighbors may not like the color of your house...so what? They are not a part of your life you cannot live without (and funny thing all my neighbors would be here to help if ever needed no matter what I wore). Your employer? What you do on your time is YOUR time. Maybe he (she?) doesn't like how you raise roses. It isn't their business.

And family? Family is supposed to love you no matter what. But then if you keep playing it in your mind that you are some sort of deviant, then who could blame them for thinking the same thing?

Jennifer, you OP was right on

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Jennifer,

Great advice for a newbee who wants to go out. I agree San Francisco is a very accepting place. I have been out en femme there tons of times and, personally, the only time I have had anyone even so much as look at me, was a couple of times in the tourist area (by that I mean the tourist spots like Fisherman's Wharf etc) A friend who lives in SF told me that the locals have seen everything before and are very unlikely to look twice at a CDer never mind show her any nonacceptance ... that's to say not including the less safe areas that you get in any big city.

[Jenniferathome]

.... if you have friends and/or family to hang out with, that would make a big difference.

Exactly Rhonda. It does make a difference. So reach out and make a friend. I did that right here on this forum. The result? I met Allie and Rachel. They were with me Thursday as well. You are not alone in Texas. By the way, in addition to my wife, three other genetic women joined us. Women don't hate cross dressers.

[2B Natasha]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

I suppose if your afraid. But here's the thing. I to live in western Washington. Renton to be more specific. I have been out to Bellevue square, factoria, all parts of Seattle. Kent, Tacoma and of course Renton. Never had an issue in any of those places. Never met a friend or family member I had not intended. Nor a fellow worker. I don't believe our backyard is that a scary. Might be a bit boring. IE. I've been to all the restaurant and shops I want to go to. Vegas and the like are fun because there new and exciting. Around your own parts. Most people never leave there house. Lets face it. How many cis gender men love shopping? Or malls or make-up counters? Do you really think your going to run into them at those aces?


Funny, I saw more nonacceptance in SF than any other place I have been. Granted the California area is better than say Redneck Falls middle America but no matter where you go the "normals" as Jennifer called them notice. But people have an agenda and unless you interfere somehow with that agenda, they really don't care and they forget you within minutes unless you are outrageous.


And when did we become a "sexual" minority? Most here don't incorporate "sex" in their dressing. We are a minority, yes. But we don't need to compartmentalize that even more. We are a gender different group. Why do we think we have to take it on the road? Would any other minority go elsewhere? No. This country is a melting pot" as I remember. Yes there will always be those who don't like what we do or who we are. They can just go about their business. We can't change them. It would be that way if you were say Latino in some places. It is that way even for GG's now. Allw ecan do is be aware and safe in what we do.

As long as "we" believe we are wrong, then our "family, friends, neighbors and employers" will believe we are wrong. They aren't friends if it bothers them. Neighbors may not like the color of your house...so what? They are not a part of your life you cannot live without (and funny thing all my neighbors would be here to help if ever needed no matter what I wore). Your employer? What you do on your time is YOUR time. Maybe he (she?) doesn't like how you raise roses. It isn't their business.

And family? Family is supposed to love you no matter what. But then if you keep playing it in your mind that you are some sort of deviant, then who could blame them for thinking the same thing?

Jennifer, you OP was right onbeen forever it seems since I was in The Bay Area. So I can't speak to that. But I agree with the rest.

Cheers

BTW. I am
A heterosexual male. Last I looked that was not a sexual minority.

[moniqueCD21]

I just went out for the first time ever in Vegas and I can completely agree with Jennifer! Once you're out among the "normals" the butterflies go away and you just feel fantastic. Of course I got looks bit that's because I'm over 6 feet tall with heels. But it's true! You're your worst enemy. The only thing stopping you from going out is your own mind. Once you let go its a whole new world you've never experienced before!

[Rachel Morley]

I met Allie and Rachel. They were with me Thursday as well. I was with them both last Saturday night, both are lovely ladies in every sense of the word, but sadly we were not in SF though they came to Sacramento and we hooked up at our TG support group's 5 year birthday bash! :)

[Nikki A.]

This past weekend I went out for dinner in Middletown NY (not the most open area) with my friend and her mother in law. We were supposed to go to an Olive Garden but ended up in a Chinese buffet.
I agree with Jen. Act like you belong, dress appropriate and it's all fine.

[allesha10]

Jennifer, Thank you for the Real advise, you are so right. I think we over think each time. And we are our own worst enemy and critics. It is girls like you that make this sight so helpful to us all.

[Kelly Smith]

Excellent advice Jennifer. Thanks for posting it.

Believe it or not, the same thing goes for skydiving. Once you're out the door, all your fears dissipate. LOL

That's true. Once you are committed, you can live in the moment and enjoy the experience.

[Angela Campbell]

I cannot speak of how it may effect others but I can tell you my experiences. The first time I went outside of my little closet was last summer. Before I did I spent a lot of time alone working on my look. Thinking back It wasn't very good but it takes time. I purchased some clothes, underwear, breastforms, a wig, shoes and makeup. The makeup was the hard part. I would practice every day and learned a little bit each time. I then contacted a local TG group and was invited to visit a meeting.

The first time was terrifying. It was also one of the most wonderful experiences in my life. At the time I did not pass at all and no one had ever seen me all dressed up as a woman. I joined the group and continued working on my look.

Moving ahead almost 3 months I went on my first trip out in public. Real public not a meeting room full of other TG women. A nice restaurant downtown along with 20 of my new "sisters". I was pretty nervous but being with others I knew made it so much easier and I was shocked to see that I was treated like a lady by the staff and other customers. No pitchforks, no people laughing, no reactions at all.

A few more months go by and I have practiced and improved my look by an amazing degree. I have lost a ton of weight, aquired some really nice outfits and jewelry, and learned a lot of how to present myself. The last few times out I have had men open doors for me, I have been called maam, I have even been asked by other TG girls if I am on hormones, (I'm not) I even had one TG ask me who's spouse I was. Actually last night I was hit on.

I will admit that I cannot pass to an extreme degree, and upon close scrutiny I can be clocked, but for the most part in public, people do not look that close or give that kind of scrutiny. I dress to blend and no one really pays much attention to me even in stores and at the mall.

I guess what I am getting at is I took a slow road and worked very hard and had to learn a lot to get to the point I am at today. I had a plan and it is going well. I figured it would take me a year to get to where I wanted to be and so far I am right on schedule. I still get nervous when walking out the door every time, but that feeling goes away very quickly once I am out and about. It may not work for you but I have found that by planning, working, learning, and going at the right pace for me has made it more comfortable to ease into going out. Don't try to rush it. Work on your look, go out in stages and do a little more each time. I feel like I have progressed very fast in just 9 months time. Don't expect to overcome this fear in just a night or two, but still know you can overcome it.

[Rhonda Ann]

Exactly Rhonda. It does make a difference. So reach out and make a friend. I did that right here on this forum. The result? I met Allie and Rachel. They were with me Thursday as well. You are not alone in Texas. By the way, in addition to my wife, three other genetic women joined us. Women don't hate cross dressers.

I have made a few Texas friends on the forum, the problem is the closest one is about 5-6 hrs. away (Dallas) the next closest is about 8-9 hrs. away (Austin). Every time I start to make plans to take a long weekend and get out of town (Dallas) something happens family related and voids my plans. I promise I have been looking locally, I honestly think the geographical area has a lot to do with it. Even the women here a little bit redneck lol some more than the men. I was making plans to go to Las Vegas in April for the Diva Las Vegas event My shoulder has been giving me problems and found out I have a torn rotator cuff, so I'm looking at surgery. One of these days I will get my turn.


When I suggested going on the road, I was somewhat referring to attending TG events such as SCC in Atlanta, Esprit, Be All, etc. where there are hunreds of like minded folks to go out and mix with, and the opportunity to meet people from your area that you might not even know existed. This gives you contacts once you get back home so that you WILL have friends you can go out with locally or in the same general area in which you live. Having even just one friend to share with makes a big difference!

Thanks for the tips, I will have to keep my eye open and watch for these events a lot closer. Most of the time I see anything about an event taking place is the day after when everyone is talking about all the fun they had. LOL

[Beverley Sims]

Jennifer you have come a long way in a short time, good for you.

[FelicityMay]

i agree about not being self conscious about how you look in public. if i was able to pass, i wouldnt mind just going out like that all the time! (dont have enough clothes lol)
you shouldnt care about what some strangers think of you, they will forget all about you a few minutes later.
the only problem i have is not having a very accepting family. its technically against my religion to be a cross dresser, so im not getting much support from my loved ones :(
may just have to stay a little closeted to the ones closest to me, but as for public, i dont really care how i look!

[Stephanie47]

And when did we become a "sexual" minority?



We became a sexual minority when the general public and legislators decided we were. It includes gays and lesbians and any shade of the transgendered community. It does not matter what we may consider ourselves. It's the perception of others, whether it's through ignorance or prejudice. Obviously you were not in Washington State when there were discussions extending protection to gays, lesbians and transgendered persons in employment, housing, and extending 'hate crime' protections.

Somehow I must be reading a different forum than others are reading. There seems to be no lack of non acceptance of the transgendered community as shown time and time again on this forum.

[AllieSF]

Somehow I must be reading a different forum than others are reading. There seems to be no lack of non acceptance of the transgendered community as shown time and time again on this forum.

Maybe you are reading a different forum. Yes, I have read a few negative experiences here and I personally am aware of one written up here a few short years ago that happened to a friend of mine in Berkeley right across the Bay from San Francisco. However, I have read many more positive experiences when out, outings that took place all over the USA, plus a lot of foreign countries. Yes, San Francisco has a very public reputation for being more tolerating and even accepting of diverse people, minorities and people on the edge. However, people go out in the Deep South, Salt Lake City, in Texas, the Mid-West and most other places. Someone in a very small town many times are more concerned about being identified rather than getting negative comments. Non-acceptance doesn't have to be a problem if there are no harmful actions to the CD. It really depends on one's own confidence, their selected venues for going out and what they consider to be negative reactions and whether those negative reactions are just that or are dangerous reactions. I have only read a very few of the dangerous types here and have been reading almost all new thread headings and many of the actual detailed threads in my 6 plus years here. So, I also believe that some members that state that they want to go out but don't are letting their unreasonable fears, maybe even using them as weak excuses because they lack the confidence and courage to go out and experience all the positive reactions that most here report about everywhere. If one does not want to go out, that is more than fine with me, and if they do want to go out, then they should try it, with someone, at a TG support group, a local gay/lesbian bar, or even the local shopping mall. Their chance of being hurt is almost minuscule from my experience and from what I have read here.

[linda allen]

The consequences of going out in public in San Francisco are totally different than your own backyard. Going to a public venue where a sexual minority is accepted is different than strutting down main street in your home town visible to family, friends, neighbors and employers. Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Exactly. :thumbsup: There can be consequences for exhibiting behaviour that's out of the norm.

People can whine about it all they want, but it's reality.

[Rogina B]

However,for some of us,there is no recognizable connection between the appearance in male vs female modes..Vehicle recognition when getting in or out in a parking lot is the only identifying clue an astute observer might have.I am constantly going the same place in either mode,so I am sure in my case.

[docrobbysherry]

I respectfully disagree, Jennifer! If you're not out or TS, and can't pass, what's the point of going out dressed?

I love going out dressed, with other girls! That's a lot of fun! Otherwise, it's stressful, no fun, and I must dress in silly grannie outfits. And, God forbid I should run into my daughter's 4th grade teacher, my secretary, or ex!

I mite feel differently if I had an accepting SO to go out with. But, for those of us that don't? I DO enjoy going out with girls friends to accepting venues and dressing any way I like in private. If u enjoy dressing in boring "blend" outfits, the odd or dirty look on folks faces when you're made, and the thrill of being a man out in woman's clothes no matter what, or u can pass, than go out dressed.

But, it's NOT every dressers cup of tea!

[Jamie001]

Exactly. :thumbsup: There can be consequences for exhibiting behaviour that's out of the norm.

People can whine about it all they want, but it's reality.

Yes but there are several choices. Either whine or get out there and face the consequences just like our gay brothers and sisters did. That is the reason that gay folks have made great progress. If we continue to whine about the big bad world that hates us and continue to cower in the closet, then we will never make any progress. We can't wait for a few brave souls to pave the road for us. We need to get out there, proudly be ourselves and be seen by our community and friends. Will we be part of the solution by getting out there, or will we be part of the problem by cowering in the closet?

[Jenniferathome]

I respectfully disagree, Jennifer! If you're not out or TS, and can't pass, what's the point of going out dressed?....

Well Sherry, first you are allowed to disagree that's what makes America great. But I think you missed the key points of my message and to the question you ask above, the point of going out is to have fun. You have suggested that going out without friends is stressful, no fun, etc. I agree. It is more fun with others. That's why I suggested going out with friends. But if you can not find a local friend, you can go out and can have fun. Dressing for the venue and occasion leaves every option open to you and you do not have to dress as a granny. Having an accepting wife is the greatest thing possible, I think but my first few times out in the world of the "normals" was not with my wife. There is more to fear in our heads than in the real world.

[cathie pantyhose]

Great advise but some of us have to get out of our own way mentally. For me personally, it's simply a confidence issue. Need more help with makeup, need more help with creating a more convincing figure although I'm in great shape and definitely need to be able to trust others with the same dress code to just be able to socialize while dressed fem. I've made progress in how I dress (less ****ty more pretty) over the last couple of years but to still go out beyond the door or even for just a drive in makeup and a wig....still a bit intimidating. If anyone knows of a group in the Boulder area please let me know. I only have found the Denver group so far.

[traci_k]

May I suggest that before going out completely en femme, try a trial run. As Jennifer suggested, what is in your head is important. If you are stressed about what will people think, take some baby steps. This weekend I went shoe shopping at various stores in the mall, wearing a light lip gloss. I took time to handle the shoes and tried to see if anyone was paying attention. They weren't. My confidence went up several notches. Now thinking about a professional transformation. If you are inexperienced in makeup as I am, I think professionals can teach you a lot about how to adjust your look to be less noticable as a man wearing women's clothes in public.
Just a couple thoughts from someone wanting to come out more.
Hugs all - good thread.

[Stephanie47]

The only problem with your analysis is the fact the vast majority of gays and lesbians do not appear gay or lesbian. Does that sound confusing? The lesbian I know is not identifiable except for the picture of her partner/spouse on her desk. The gay man I know is not identifiable also. Unless you were to see him with his partner you would not know he is gay. Of course there are gay and lesbian venues where the setting is more intimate and displays of affection may be observed. However, if two women are sitting and having lunch, can you ascribe any sexuality to them? If two guys are swilling beers on stools at the neighborhood bar, can you ascribe any sexuality to them? No!

Sure gays and lesbians have become more acceptable in society. However, unless you have not been reading the newspapers or watching the media, you know the vast majority of states have banned same sex marriages, and, in those states which have affirmed same sex marriage (mine) there was a very significant 'no' vote. Legal protection does not confer societal acceptance.

I have seen many very lovely pictures on this site and I would not be one of them. I have seen many who have absolutely no problem passing as women.

I guess the point I was making/am making is one size fits all is not appropriate depending on the relationship one may be involved in. I do not know why I choose to wear women's clothing, but, I do know what I get out of it. I would agree with others, if you want the peace and serenity cross dressing brings you, then being subject to ridicule or self destruction may not be appropriate.

I have seen on more than one occasion on this site where asserting oneself has blown up in the face. One you say 'face the consequences' those consequences may be far reaching and extend to more than oneself. Just be careful for what you wish for.


Yes but there are several choices. Either whine or get out there and face the consequences just like our gay brothers and sisters did. That is the reason that gay folks have made great progress. If we continue to whine about the big bad world that hates us and continue to cower in the closet, then we will never make any progress. We can't wait for a few brave souls to pave the road for us. We need to get out there, proudly be ourselves and be seen by our community and friends. Will we be part of the solution by getting out there, or will we be part of the problem by cowering in the closet?

[Angela Campbell]

It is a matter of choice of course, whether to go out or not. It is also a matter of confidence. If you want to go out, planning is a good idea. Getting the confidence is not easy, and it takes time.We all have to go at our own pace. Don't rush it, just go with what you feel comfortable with.

[Paula_56]

Her point is you have nothing to fear from the public, Nobody wants to out themselves, but read the posts here newbies we are saying it over and over again you have nothing to fear, the sky will not fall and each time you out it gets better and you get better

[Jamie001]

I wandered through the womens clothing section and tried on some shoes :) I really enjoyed the rush but I wont be doing that again! I dont know what came over me, definately the pink fog numbed my fears.

I have seen and talked to women trying on men's shoes. It is not a big deal. It is just shoes.

[Jamie001]

Her point is you have nothing to fear from the public, Nobody wants to out themselves, but read the posts here newbies we are saying it over and over again you have nothing to fear, the sky will not fall and each time you out it gets better and you get better

Amen! Paula, thank you for stating this simple fact. Many folks here have created very large demons in their own mind. I and about a dozen other folks here wear women's clothing while presenting as male and I don't have any problems. It has been stated many times, it is all about how you carry yourself.