Bi-Gender, what it means and why you need to know!

[xdressed]

(this is copied and pasted from my deviantArt account. I wasn't originally going to post it here but I got such a lovely response on dA and it seemed to help a few people understand themselves so I thought why not).


So a few times I have attempted to explain how I feel in regards to my gender in the simplest terms, but almost no one, from strangers on this site to the people I live with, seem to quite 'get it' except for the few I have come across that feel exactly the same. This is probably because I've barely pushed the topic, but perhaps also because I've not really gone that in depth about it. To start with, I should point out that being bigendered is not the same as being Intersex. That is where you are born with the sexual organs of both sexes (or in rarer cases you are born with none at all) and your parents choose your gender at birth and raise you that way. It is possible to be both bi-gender and intersex however, and this brings me to my main point. Your sex is purely physical, and is decided at birth based upon your genitals (quite a reasonable way to do it of course) but your gender is a different thing altogether. Gender, and this is bit most people don't know anything about, is a matter of identity, it is not biological. Now I can see why most people just go 'waaaa?' to this because for the vast majority of people their gender identity is exactly the same as their physical sex, but there are a large amount of us where this is not the case. The most obvious example is in Transsexuals, people whose gender identity is the exact opposite of the sex they were assigned at birth, but gender identity is a much wider spectrum than 'one or the other'. The world isn't black and white. Bi-gender is essentially where you have both genders 'inside' you, regardless of whether you are male, female or intersex. For most of us who do feel this way we tend to jump between the genders depending on how we feel at the time. Quite often something will trigger the need to swap to the 'other' gender such as seeing a new dress you'd like, new things turning up in the mail, you saw something to do with transgenderism online or sometimes just the need to unwind from stress, but this is not always the case. I can just as easily wake up in 'male mode' as I can in 'girl mode', its not something I or anyone else has control over. Sometimes it even springs out of nowhere during the day. To some this may sound similar to a personality disorder (and trust me, a few people have told me I'm a freak or that I sound mentally ill) but it simply isn't. I'm still the same person when these feeling hit, I still like the same music, I still have the same sense of humor but most importantly I still have the same memories and personality. Being Gender Variant in any way is not even slightly a symptom of illness.

So hopefully that clears up exactly what Bi-Gender (or Dual Gender) means, but why is it so important that I need to let you all know about it? I'll give you a little analogy to explain more or less how it feels when I am in girl mode. Imagine being born a man and growing up that way, growing facial and body hair, your voice steadily getting deeper, your body becoming larger, wider and more masculine etc, but inside you want to be the exact opposite. Your body hair feels coarse, uncomfortable and ugly, your voice seems alien and doesn't connect to how you see yourself and all those little features of your sex that people don't notice most of the time (wide jaw, broad shoulders, heavy brow line) are glaring at you in defiance of your own identity. Even if you do accept who you are inside and you get all dolled up and do you best to make the outside match the inside, the black and white gender binary tries to crush you at every turn. Nearly all forms that require you to fill in what gender you are list just the two options, Male and Female (although the good people at deviantArt have an 'other' option, to which I gladly filled in the box), something normally as simple as which public toilet to use becomes a horrifically momentous task, people will constantly refer to you as sir, he and him (or by your birth name if they already know it) and the worst but thankfully rarest of all, people tell you you're wrong. People will say 'no, you've got a penis therefore you are not this' or 'you can't do this or go there'. You can't wear women's clothes (and they're not women's clothes they're mine) because you've got a dick, you're a 'man'.

Now I must point out that this describes the life of a Male to Female transsexual more than that of a bi-gender person like myself, because by definition bi-gender people only feel that way half of the time, but the point is exactly as valid, and it applies to most other forms of gender variant people too (of which there are many). Obviously, to see it from the perspective of someone who is Female to Male, merely swap everything around. Imagine being a straight male but being treated like a butch lesbian your whole life. I'm aware I'm probably 'preaching to the choir' because rarely do people come across blogs, photo galleries, websites etc dealing with transgender topics without looking for it, but I know that occasionally people who aren't part of that do come across my journals sometimes, perhaps because they are supporters of Gay Rights and have progressed for there, but probably most come from the goth and photography groups that I also post my photos in. Hopefully some people come from other places too.

Too any of my friends in real life reading this, I hope this explains why I do insist on being called Rhiannon (or Ria for short) and she and her when I'm dressed up, why I get defensive about things like why you should call someone He rather than She even though they haven't had a 'sex change' yet and why I can become upset and insecure when I feel like my identity isn't being acknowledged.

I could go on about other gender variant identities such as gender fluid and androgynous, why I hate phrases like 'sex change', why being a crossdresser or trans doesn't mean you're gay, the problem of transphobia in not just the straight world but even the gay community and so on, but this is already becoming a bit of an essay and I have a real one to write, not to mention I wanted to go to sleep 2 hours ago. Good night all, and expect some more photo's from me soon ^_^

[Beverley Sims]

Rihannon,
I am pleased you posted the definition here as it does help explain some things to me when replying to others posts.
It helps in my insight into the myriad of things that are presented on this forum.

[xdressed]

Rihannon,
I am pleased you posted the definition here as it does help explain some things to me when replying to others posts.
It helps in my insight into the myriad of things that are presented on this forum.

Thanks ^_^ Several people have asked if they can quote bits of it to explain to others actually ^_^

[Sandra1746]

An excellent description of how you view your bi-gender self. Others may vary the shading slightly but in essence it is all there. I too identify as transgender or bi-gender, I consider the terms generally equivalent (and not related to being gay). This may start quite a lively thread as some here are sure to disagree with you on certain points.

Good luck to you and don't let others run you down. Everyone is different and deserves respect and acceptance.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[Stevie]

Thanks Ria. I don't believe it's us but because if people don't understand something that they have to put a label on it for their gratification.

[Rachel52]

I love being bi-gendered. I love feeling strong and masculine as well as soft and feminine. I have a very strong male personality and a very strong female personality. I love being handsome and pretty. I can feel sexy as a boy or a girl. What a blessing. It was only a few weeks after starting therapy with a gender specialist that my doctor asked me if I had ever heard the term bi-gendered, or two-spirited. I feel like a lot of cross dressers, like myself, may feel as though bi-gender helps to explain so much. Good luck to everyone on their journey.

-Rachel

[melanie206]

I guess I fit in the bi-gender category. Often feeling female and at other times male. Though there are times when I feel completely inadequate as either. Sometimes in male mode I really feel almost genderless and asexual which hasn't been good for my marriage but isn't necessarily an unpleasant state. I never feel like a virile macho man. Maybe I'm 1.5-gendered.

[xdressed]

I guess I fit in the bi-gender category. Often feeling female and at other times male. Though there are times when I feel completely inadequate as either. Sometimes in male mode I really feel almost genderless and asexual which hasn't been good for my marriage but isn't necessarily an unpleasant state. I never feel like a virile macho man. Maybe I'm 1.5-gendered.

You could be genderqueer, which is essentially genderless or both genders at once. Or you could be something else, what we call it doesn't exactly matter as long as we accept and understand ourselves, the only reason we have so much jargon in the transgender world is because most of us need to find a term like this before we truly understand how we feel

[Mistybtm]

Wow how perfect the explanation is. It fits me to A tee. When I am home or on A date with A man I am and dress as A woman100% of the time but when it comes to work spending time with my friends or running errands I am in guy mode and do guy things. All my hobbies I do I can do in either mode i am in. It does explain why as soon as I get home I want to get ride of my male close and switch to my female roll.

[suchacutie]

It did take a while to realize that the appropriate term for me was bi-gendered. There aren't a lot of role models, so we need to come to grips with it ourselves! It really is true that we just snap back and forth. It's really a mess to handle in many ways, but it is the best of both worlds!

:)

[carhill2mn]

Hi Ria,

Your post is one of those "coincidences" that people talk about. I have been thinking of posting similar thoughts as to the terms "bi-gendered" or "dual-gendered" being better defintions of me than "trans-gendered". The definition for the word "trans" is "across". Thus, "trans-gendered" is across genders which, I guess, is also correct.

I am a male that is both man/masculine and woman/feminine. Sometimes I am one and sometimes I am the other. I present as
a woman and act like a lady unless my male self is expected. I just find it more fun and interesting to present as a woman than as a man.

[xdressed]

I look at transgender as an umbrella term that encompasses all gender variant people, and there are so many different variants we do need these more specific terms such as bi-gender

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Thank you, Ria. This post is wonderful and informative on so many levels.

[NathalieX66]

I look at transgender as an umbrella term that encompasses all gender variant people, and there are so many different variants we do need these more specific terms such as bi-gender

Bingo!
I love my guy side of me, and my girl side. I go out as either/or.
If I was transsexual, I would hate my guy side.

I'm still trying to grow my hair really long , and I spend ridiculous amounts of money on electrolysis and laser. As far as I know, I don't need HRT or surgeries to complete me. If something changes in the future, then I'll act on it. Right now, I'm happy.

[AmyGaleRT]

This is a great explanation, Rhiannon! This is a lot of how I feel; even when I'm in my normal, "default" male form, I carry Amy with me always, and she'll sometimes interject little "grace notes" into my thoughts, like noticing a passing woman's clothes or shoes, or gazing appreciatively into store windows, or hearing a particular song on the radio that makes her want to dance. (That's how I just added Jennifer Paige's song "Crush" to my "Amy's Music" playlist.) Similarly, when I'm presenting as Amy, my male self is still present, with all the innate qualities that come along with it, though subdued by the image I'm trying to project.

My ultimate goal is to be able to function comfortably in either role when out in public. (There are certain places where one role or the other is better suited. For instance, Amy would work better in a Lane Bryant or Ulta, while my male self would work better in a Best Buy or Micro Center. :)) In addition, I intend to use both halves of my soul, the masculine and feminine, to make me a better person overall; I'm not sure exactly how that'll work, but I intend to find out.

- Amy

[DeidraDee63]

Hi Everyone, I'm Deidra, new girl on the block. I agree with xdressed; personally I feel I'm intersexed/Bi-Gendered, I say that because physically i not only have male charteristics but female as well. Mentally i feel both but lately the female side is demanding more time, I'm finding it difficult to keep a balance. The post was great and informative, thank you. Hope I did this right lol.

[Ms. Laura]

Very well articulated Ria. I think that you'll find a LOT of us agree with you. I also agree that the world at large does not get it at all.

I'd like to show this to my wife as she has been somewhat perplexed as to how to categorize my behavior. When she thought it was just a "kick" it made sense. After explaining how it was more related to identity she was a little confused. This might give her a framework to start understanding, though I'm hesitant to wake a sleeping dog since she has sort of decided not to worry about it.

[xdressed]

This is a great explanation, Rhiannon! This is a lot of how I feel; even when I'm in my normal, "default" male form, I carry Amy with me always, and she'll sometimes interject little "grace notes" into my thoughts, like noticing a passing woman's clothes or shoes, or gazing appreciatively into store windows, or hearing a particular song on the radio that makes her want to dance. (That's how I just added Jennifer Paige's song "Crush" to my "Amy's Music" playlist.) Similarly, when I'm presenting as Amy, my male self is still present, with all the innate qualities that come along with it, though subdued by the image I'm trying to project.


I've found its affected somewhat by the people I'm with. There's been a few times when I'm with some guy mates in femme mode and I've noticed some of my male traits come through a little bit more in those situations, although not dramatically so.


Very well articulated Ria. I think that you'll find a LOT of us agree with you. I also agree that the world at large does not get it at all.

I'd like to show this to my wife as she has been somewhat perplexed as to how to categorize my behavior. When she thought it was just a "kick" it made sense. After explaining how it was more related to identity she was a little confused. This might give her a framework to start understanding, though I'm hesitant to wake a sleeping dog since she has sort of decided not to worry about it.

I hope this helps your wife understand a bit more, the main reason I wrote it was in the hopes of it reaching people that didn't understand but were willing to listen

[Jennifer Monroe]

Fantastic post...I feel like this all the time. Thanks Rhiannon for sharing this wonderful information.

[Lynn Marie]

Great post Ria. Thanks so much.

[xdressed]

No problem ^_^

Glad this can still help and interest people

[Julogden]

I sort of fit into the bi-gender box except that I've never really enjoyed being male or functioning socially as a man. Life has resulted in me having to learn to deal with functioning as a man, but I don't like it, just tolerate it. About the only aspect of masculinity that I've enjoyed significantly has involved being a father and now, grandfather.

Carol

[xdressed]

Well as we all know gender is a spectrum, so there are many of us that are bi-gender that don't have much of an attachment to our male side and some that love both. I think personally I'm halfway between these

[ossian]

Thanks xdressed for this well written thoughtful definition. A little light bulb went off in my head when I read this and it helps to know that there are other people out there that are similar. Thanks again for posting these thoughts.

[nevarrie]

I remember years ago when it was hard to get my gay friends to understand that I liked to dress up and be girly but that i was not interested in being with a guy. I like women better. I got lucky in that I found a wife that understands I like to be girly at times and other times I can be happy being a guy(I used to see it as my tomboy times). I do think Bi-gender is a better description then just saying I like to dress in women clothing, there is more to it then just the dressing.

[ReineD]

I think that bi-gender or dual-gender are much better descriptions of many of the members here who are not TS, than crossdresser.

"Crossdresser" describes what people do, like auto-mechanic or nurse. "Bi-gender" describes who people are, like female or male.

[xdressed]

Indeed, it's something I hope will get a bit more recognition in the future. This post alone seems to have helped a lot of people already either find who they are or better explain it to others. I had one guy message me on deviantArt saying it inspired him/her to come out and they've never been happier since, and one guy messaged me saying it moved him to tears. Just doing my little bit ^_^

[larry07]

Thanks for the good explanation, which seems to work well for many. Bi-gendered doesn't fit how I feel, however. I only have one side and it is mostly male. I am the same person, whether I am sewing or chopping wood, whether I am shopping for a new bra or an oil filter. I wear panties and a bra (when possible) whether my outer clothing is male or female. Even when fully dressed in women's clothing, I feel like the same man as always; I just prefer more feminine clothing. I relate the same way to my wife however I am dressed. I have no desire to be identified by others as a woman, even when wearing women's clothing, so I have no wig and use no makeup. I have no female name because I am never anything other than Larry.

Gender identity and gender expression, sexual identify and sexual expression are a wide continuum and people can fall anywhere on it, or different places at different times. What is important is to respect and appreciate others wherever they are. Names can be helpful or they can be limiting. For me, crossdresser seems as good a name as any.

Larry

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That was very well thought out and helpful.

I'm transsexual and so i live a very binary life, and i'm happy with it.. I wonder if you could talk a bit about the unique challenges of feeling bigendered on a day to day basis... i kind of learned my true nature by acknowledging that i didn't have a male side..that i just couldn't go forward any more...i experienced gender identity issues as a growing constant pain inside me that caused me to change my life (gender dysphoria...it became unbearable)

do you ever feel this pain? is it something that comes as goes as people must often call you he when you are feeling she... do the two sides conflict or co exist happily?? have you ever considered whether a continuim implies movement and feel like you are flowing to one side or the other more permanently?? (lots of ts people go through therapy and latch on to the continuim idea as a way to mitigate their gender dypshoria..not because they are bigendered but because they don't want to blow up their lives)

some people denigrate this feeling as fantasy...to me that's the other unfair side of denigrating people for having a "fetish"...to me they are just different ways to experience and hopefully enjoy crossdressing... i do think doing it for identity vs doing for fetish reasons are really very different things but vive la difference.... i think understanding where people come from makes for better communications so it is helpful to discuss it sometimes..

anyway...i enjoyed your OP!

[melissakozak]

What an excellent thread. This concept pretty much describes my internal state as well. Although I must say I have always had gender dysphoria and my male life is valid and real and there are aspects of it I truly enjoy. I also realize I am compromising to some degree to be and present as both male and female....interesting concepts...thanks for the thread...

[xdressed]

I have no desire to be identified by others as a woman, even when wearing women's clothing, so I have no wig and use no makeup. I have no female name because I am never anything other than Larry.


This doesn't seem to be that uncommon, I think in identity terms this is called 'androgynous gender', where you identify solely as your birth gender but like to dress or present partly or fully as the opposite.


That was very well thought out and helpful.

I'm transsexual and so i live a very binary life, and i'm happy with it.. I wonder if you could talk a bit about the unique challenges of feeling bigendered on a day to day basis... i kind of learned my true nature by acknowledging that i didn't have a male side..that i just couldn't go forward any more...i experienced gender identity issues as a growing constant pain inside me that caused me to change my life (gender dysphoria...it became unbearable)

do you ever feel this pain? is it something that comes as goes as people must often call you he when you are feeling she... do the two sides conflict or co exist happily?? have you ever considered whether a continuim implies movement and feel like you are flowing to one side or the other more permanently?? (lots of ts people go through therapy and latch on to the continuim idea as a way to mitigate their gender dypshoria..not because they are bigendered but because they don't want to blow up their lives)


I think many bi-gendered people wonder if maybe they're really transsexual, and some do turn out to be. Regardless, we definitely feel that same kind of pain a lot of the time. Very few of us have the chance to let our female sides out whenever the feeling takes us, and that leaves us with a lot of time being 'trapped' in male mode which is not good for one's emotional well being. For many people the two sides can co-exist fine but for me and possibly for most there is a lot of conflicting feels, trying to figure out which gender you feel closer to at that time, or trying to deal with the fact that you want to be in girl mode but you have to go to work or you have family over or your SO isn't accepting etc.

The continuum idea is interesting, and I've definitely heard of people flowing slowing from being bi-gendered to fully or mostly the gender opposite to the one assigned at birth. I suppose you could say they 'become transsexual' but I don't think it really works like that, they 'realize they are trans' is probably more accurate. I can't really say for sure whether I am moving towards one or the other or not, as at least a few times a week I have to repress my girl side because I'm at uni, I need to go into town, people I'm not out to are coming over etc, so naturally that makes me desperate to express my girl side the moment I get the chance often for as long as I can. I'd probably have to be out to everyone I know in this area and spend a good month or so being whichever gender I feel at the time to really know where I am, and that's not very practical atm

[sometimes_miss]

Thanks for the good explanation, which seems to work well for many. Bi-gendered doesn't fit how I feel, however. I only have one side and it is mostly male. I am the same person, whether I am sewing or chopping wood, whether I am shopping for a new bra or an oil filter. I wear panties and a bra (when possible) whether my outer clothing is male or female. Even when fully dressed in women's clothing, I feel like the same man as always; I just prefer more feminine clothing. I relate the same way to my wife however I am dressed. I have no desire to be identified by others as a woman, even when wearing women's clothing, so I have no wig and use no makeup. I have no female name because I am never anything other than Larry. Gender identity and gender expression, sexual identify and sexual expression are a wide continuum and people can fall anywhere on it, or different places at different times. What is important is to respect and appreciate others wherever they are. Names can be helpful or they can be limiting. For me, crossdresser seems as good a name as any. Larry
This is as close as it comes to how I feel. I won't say that I feel 'mostly male' or 'mostly female' as Larry does; but I don't feel like I have two sides. I'm always the same person. I know where the feelings that I'm supposed to be a girl come from, and I know that while that's not who I am, those feelings will never go away. So yes, I just dress differently when I can. I guess I'm 'just a crossdresser'.