How do you make that decision?

[Janelle_C]

I know what I want and I know who I am. I know that I'm a woman, that has been living as a man for 54 years. I know that I want to go down the path to becoming who I feel I am in side. The hard part how it will affect my wife my adult kids, and the rest of my family and friends. I keep thinking that I'm waiting for my wife to catch up to where I am, but I really think she just waiting for me to make a decision. I used to tell myself I will only go as far as my wife could handle and not leave me. I know now it's not fair to her or me to make her decide how far I can go. I just went to my first support group for TS last week, it felt so wonderful to be there and talk to people just like me. I know what I want but I don't know how to look my wife in the eye and tell her I need this. She has said I just want you to be happy, but I know she wishes I could be happy the way things are right now. How do you throw away all those fears and make that decision.
Janelle

[arbon]

Its not easy, at least I don't think it is for most. You just do it, and let things go as they need to.

I was willing to loose everything because I was tired of hurting, I was tired of hating myself and I wanted some peace with myself.

[Jodi Anne]

I think the light goes on for everyone a different times. All I can tell you I was healed once I started, but it is not for everyone. I like to take my own advise, but really can not tell you on this it just comes down to if you need to do it. The professionals can help but do not let them tell you what you need to do without you agreeing.

[melissaK]

@Arbon: "Tired of hurting" pretty much sums it up for me too.

Sure, decades of discussion and analysis and fretting and thinking and wondering and dreaming and worrying all happened. I had started down the HRT road but was kinda walking down it backwards, stalling, hemming, hawing, (wheres my thesaurus). But one day in January it was the pain, the dysphoria, I had reached a state of pain I couldn't banish with willpower any more. I just came home and said to my wife, "I'm not going to make it without transitioning." And that was it.

It's been wonderful, the GD went away. And just as I feared, its been awful due to heartache over relationship changes. I gotta few OP's alternating between complaining and wonderment about it. :)

[kimdl93]

Janelle, Generally speaking, people say what they mean. I f your wife says she wants you to be happy, you can take her at her word. But you say you can't look her in the eye and tell her what you need. Have you tried? Would you be willing to sit down with her and tell her how you feel and ask her to think very seriously about how she feels. In discussing this with your wife, try to avoid black and white, either or options. If she's willing to entertain possibilities, try to involve your wife in envisioning of a plan that will get you, over time from here to where you hope someday to be.

[Jessinthesprings]

I think that is a decision that no one can make for you. I suggest only making decisions YOU have to make. When you do you will have hopefully considered the consiquences. With that said your mental wellness depends on the right decision and drawing it out may only make things worse.

As a whole in my experiance loved ones will support you even if they do not understand what is going on. Some will not be able to join you in your journey, and others in a different capacity.

[Aprilrain]

Quite simply I was compelled, there just weren't any other reasonable options left.

[ChelseaErtel]

We are about the same age and I have two children (13 & 20). My wife will only stay with me if I bury myself. She thinks my TS'ness is evil and won't attempt to educuate herself in what she calls the TS "Sub-Culture" and be poisoned by it. Right now it's her way or the byway. I only accepted being TS last year, so I wouldn't make any rash decisions for a little while yet and I only told my wife last November. She didn't show me the door and was initially supportive but as time went on she became unable to deal with me being a woman.

Only you know how she told you she wanted you to be happy. So when you tell her to her face the honest truth that you want to transition those feelings may change because you will be killing her husband. She may go through the stages of grief partially or in their entirety. My wife has been stuck in denial and may never leave. I am pretty sure that my marriaged is doomed. There may be some hope and only time will tell but I can't wait forever. I only know I've fought this since I was six and I know I cannot change who I am.

Good luck, Hugs to you and your family.

[Jorja]

Making this decision is not an easy one especially for someone with a long history of family, friends and other contacts as a male. Yes, how they will be affected is to be a concern in the decision. We have said many times on this board that you have to be selfish when it comes to this decision. You have to make the best informed decision you can make and it has to be a decision that is best for you. It is not about them. It is all about you.

Make no mistake, the road to transition and finally becoming the woman you have always dreamed about is not an easy one to go down. Many find it so difficult they give up. Many find themselves deep in the dark shadows of depression. Unfortunately, many find it so difficult they commit suicide. Please understand, to have a fantasy is one thing, to have a need to do this is quite another. This is real, as real as it gets.

I would suggest you start by finding an experienced gender therapist in your area. Most large cities will have one or two. Discover who you are and if this is really necessary for you. Learn as much as you can about transsexualism as you can. This way you will understand what is going on with yourself. Make arrangements to meet and talk with some transsexual women. It is always better to hear it live and in person from the source rather than hearsay.

Here are a few things to think about. Have you talked to your wife and kids? They might just be more understanding than you might think. Keep in mind though, many lose their family, friends, jobs, cars, everything because of this. Do you think you can live with that? Are you financially prepared to support yourself if you lose your job at 54 years old? There are so many more problems that can and will arise.

Now, I am by no means saying not to transition if that is what you feel is necessary. I am just trying to give you a realistic view of the process that you may not have or know about because I have traveled the entire road. I wish you the best. Know I am around these boards often and will usually offer my $.02 like it or not.

[Janelle_C]

I would suggest you start by finding an experienced gender therapist in your area. Most large cities will have one or two. Discover who you are and if this is really necessary for you. Learn as much as you can about transsexualism as you can. This way you will understand what is going on with yourself. Make arrangements to meet and talk with some transsexual women. It is always better to hear it live and in person from the source rather than hearsay.


I have been seeing a gender therapist for over a year and she suggested that I see a another gender therapist in her office that is a transsexual woman who has more experience and more contacts.
I've come out to one friend and that went wonderful. I haven't told my kids, I think I need to tell my wife that I've made a decision first.
I would love to just settle my mind down it's in over drive, every time I look at a woman I see what I'm not and what I want to be.
I know what a life changing decision this is, I'm very blessed with the life I have, the only thing is my gender and that has become huge for me.
I have no idea what my life will be like when I transition but I no how I will feel inside.
Janelle

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes Janelle patience is neccessary.

you have your head on straight , you are good natured, you are doing your best...
you are adding more resources if you go to a new therapist...all good things..

get all the facts you can in the meantime...lots of great specific advice above...how is the $$ situation? if its not good perhaps focus on that aspect for now...and use that focus to get through your days...saving money is a step to your future life kind of thing...

Gather those facts and also let the passage of time inform your decision

by focusing your energy on talking to transsexuals specifically you will get a better feel for the true meaning of transition..of what is lost and gained...and also talk to people that identify as transsexual but havent transitioned...what is that like?? can you make the same compromises in your life??

over time your distress will increase or not...no matter your age, you do have time...make good use of it...try to not be afraid, but be fearless in examining your current quality of life...

some of have experienced that simply getting rid of gender dyshoria is all that mattered in our lives...others just knew they needed to transition and went for it...
i think prior to "making the decision" you have to find yourself in one of those two camps

[melissaK]

@Kaitlyn, her "youve got time" advice isnt going to argued with by me --- But (I always have a but) But if you have a receding hairline, get thee now on Propeccia, Dudasteride and/or Rogain and stop that from worsening so you future options are greater. (Really, wish I done that 20 years ago with earnestness)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

right..

part of "youve got time" should include things you can do regardless of transition or not transition plans...hair removal everywhere except the top of your head is the obvious one...and saving those precious ones on your noggin is another...

sometimes just doing those things gets you in gear for decisions or highlights that maybe you don't really want to spend 400 hrs in an electrologist chair..

[Jennifer Marie P.]

My decision was easy I knew I wanted to be a girl.

[Aprilrain]

Yeah the decision part was easy, the implementing and dealing with consequences part was harder.

[morgan51]

Quite simply I was compelled, there just weren't any other reasonable options left. I totally was where April so vividly states. M.

[Rianna Humble]

I knew I wanted to be a girl.

Because of the way that people messed with my head when I was an adolescent, for over three decades I didn't want to be a girl even though I knew I was.

Then in my early fifties, I slowly stopped being able to function in almost every aspect of my life and through the associated depression realised that I had to do something about who I am, but even then I didn't want to transition. Trouble was, the more I tried to cope by simply cross-dressing, the worse the need to transition became until I was having a physical reaction to pretending to be a man. After that, the decision was easy.

[StephanieC]

Still a work in progress with me

[Nicole Erin]

I guess you get to a point in life where it is just "right". I mean the hardest part is getting started. More you get into it, the more things fall into place.
Don't expect things to be easy but as you start learning mannerisms, presenting femme more often, people learn the new you and all that, you get there. Only you can decide when the time is right.

My "right" time - I was not working, was divorced, had been "dressing" for some time, got my legal name change, and at that point I was like, "this is who I am"

[Christy_M]

Quite simply I was compelled, there just weren't any other reasonable options left.

I agree with April...I was compelled. When I had the discussion with my ex, I already knew where the line was and she had moved quite a bit before the final decision. When I had the discussion, it was not asking for acceptance but rather telling people that who I am and who I have to be is more important that how people feel about me. I was lucky because even though I am no longer married every one of me personal relationships have stuck by me and tried to support me. Everyone's situation is different and the personal consequences you will face must outweigh anyone else's opinions about what you should do. In the end, there isn't anyone else that is going to live your life for you. Good luck and many hugs. I wish you the best moving forward.