Is it Worth It?

[MichelleR276]

I don't want to sound negative, but I have to believe that I'm not the only one to feel this way. All my life I have had this feminine side to me and have always wanted to fully dress. Only recently has the desire become so strong (at the age of 49), that I decided to seek out a gender therapist to help understand why. My journey is creating a lot of problems for me and I just don't know if it's worth all the trouble.

My wife has always known I had a feminine side and didn't mind when it came to wearing panties and the occasional night gown. However, once I started to discuss the need to fully dress, it created a HUGE problem for us. She can't handle the idea of her husband of 17 years needing to dress like a woman. This must be quite a shock for her to think of me in a pretty dress with my legs shaved wearing a wig. I fully dressed for the first time (in private) two weeks ago and it was a very moving experience for me. I somehow feel complete for the first time in my life. I now know that this is an important part of me that needs to be expressed from time to time. However, the drama that it is creating is overwhelming. I believe my wife will never be supportive of this side of me and I don't know what to do. I'm sure there are a lot of others that are experiencing the very same thing as we speak, but it's happening to me and it hurts.

The other perspective that saddens me is my wife's lack of support. I have always been unconditionally supportive of her regardless. We do not have any kids and I have always supported her desires (emotionally and financially) when it came to her need to return to school or go "find herself". For me, I need to go hide in the closet and I feel resentful inside. In speaking with my therapist, we have decided to "lay low" for awhile and revisit this with her in May after she graduates. I'm trying not to add any stress right now as she is wrapping up school.

So back to my original question........Is it worth it? I can't seem to change who I am. If I continue to suppress this side of me, I will not be happy. I so want to be happy, but at what cost?

Miserable Michelle
(needing huggs)

[Angela Campbell]

I can give hugs.....but I really cannot give you advice. Fortunately for me the "event" of this expanding took place after I had separated from my wife. Oh yes I always knew but did not dress fully before that. I never let her have even a suspicion of this in me. Before the "event" which opened my eyes and allowed me to stop fighting this, I could control the Gender Dysphoria and live without it being a major part of my life. Now I really cannot. I live as a woman about 50% of the time now. I cannot go back. I hope you have better luck than me.

The "event" was the first time I dressed fully with a wig and makeup along with the clothes and saw myself in the mirror. My life changed in that moment.

[kimdl93]

No one can answer that question for you. I can answer it for "me". Yes, it has been worth it. I was a long time underdresser, and my wife was very accepting. Only a few years ago, I began to experiment with getting fully dressed. And like you, I felt complete. Well, not the first time...but I realized that I "could" do better and I wanted to. Before long I had the full kit - breast forms, body shapers, make up, wigs and so on.

Where we differ, I suppose, is in the way that I introduced this to my wife. At first, I just wore women's tops or outfits at home, but no forms etc. Just a little bit at a time and frankly in the least conspicuous and androgynous styles. Then I asked my wife if it would be OK if I occasionally wore some make up and breast forms. Then a wig. I took my sweet time with this, allowing my wife plenty of time to get accustomed to my changing appearance, frequent breaks from that femme routine...so she could spend time with me in male mode, and frequent opportunities to discuss what was going on.

You say your wife won't change her opinion...may this has been too abrupt. Perhaps you need to give her a chance to adjust gradually as well. Best of luck.

[Trishpdxcd2]

Michelle,

I can't give you advice, except to say I think the advice about laying low until your wife graduates is good. I have no idea how my wife would take it but it is such a risk with me that I stay in the closet. I like the rest of my life and for me dressing is something I am increasingly drawn to, but I am also drawn to the other parts of my life. I sometimes have the same thought...is it worth it, especially leading a double life. For now it is.

[Jenniferathome]

... I have always been unconditionally supportive of her regardless. We do not have any kids and I have always supported her desires (emotionally and financially) when it came to her need to return to school or go "find herself". For me, I need to go hide in the closet and I feel resentful inside.
(needing huggs)

Keep in mind that your support of her is not equivalent to that which you seek from her. Can you honestly say that if she came to you wanting to wear a beard and packing you'd "support" her easily? This is a big change. Still, I'd bet my life that it is not the clothes as much as the uncertainty of where you are headed with this that bothers her.

open dicussion is the only answer for you two.

[Jamie001]

I believe that there is another possible solution. Full crossdressing with breast forms and completely attempting to emulate a women could be considered comparable to your wife coming to you wanting to wear a beard and packing. On the other hand, there is a possible compromise situation. In my case, I present as a feminine male that is essentially the opposite of a Tomboy. I don't try to deceive anyone into believing that I'm a woman. I simply incorporate women's items such as Capri pants, purse, nail polish, and femme hairstyle into my look without attempting to appear as a woman. I'm just a feminine male that is really the opposite of a Tomboy. I believe that this look is a lot more accepted than a crossdresser that goes all the way to appear as a woman but doesn't pass. A full-on crossdresser that doesn't pass sends the message that they want to be a woman. My feminine male look simply sends the message that I'm a male that has a feminine side that I need to express; essentially the same as a woman that is a Tomboy. You may want to consider the feminine male look.

[Beverley Sims]

I would try dressing up to your wife's desires and only proceed further when she accepts what you are already doing.
I think working at your marriage is well and truly worth it.
X dressing is just a vocation.
Marriage is not.

[PaulaQ]

I don't want to sound negative, but I have to believe that I'm not the only one to feel this way.

You are not alone. Many feel this way.


Only recently has the desire become so strong (at the age of 49), that I decided to seek out a gender therapist to help understand why.

Me too.


So back to my original question........Is it worth it? I can't seem to change who I am. If I continue to suppress this side of me, I will not be happy. I so want to be happy, but at what cost?

No one can answer this but you. It is possible that you will have to choose between two relatively bad seeming choices - your feminity, or your wife. BTW, this isn't as cut and dried as I make it seem. A *lot* of women stay in marriages with way worse issues than "my husband wants to be a girl sometimes." A LOT worse. This isn't neccessarily a better outcome, unless she can find some level of acceptance, at least to the "don't ask, don't tell" level.

You may also find that you have difficulty suppressing this. This could influence your decision.

But anyway, the calculus of this is fairly cruel unless you and your wife can come to terms over this to some level. You will need to communicate with her, and you may well need couple's therapy.

Anyway, you are not alone. I'm almost the same age as you. I've been married almost the exact same amount of time. With small differences in details, I could've written your story - it is virtually the same as my own.

/hug

Paula

[Cheryl T]

Is it worth it? Who knows...and that's such a personal analysis that only the individual can say.
Is it necessary...again an individual decision and for me that answer is yes.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Surport . yes for some one who is changeing in to something else other than being a real man is very different wearing some clothes is not the issue it's very much deeper than that & the ? is how far do you wont to go, where will it end,

Men have worn skirts for a long time no drama there its when it becomes an over rideing factor in the male's life,

haveing a feminine side to one is not a problem where it lead's is,

Surport you ...wont... your SO to surport you could you give her the same surport looking at this from the other side, how would you react. you wonted her as a woman she wonts you as a male,

You have to see this from a woman's perspective can you, are you a female dought it,

You talk about clothes are they really the crux of the matter ,

I dont need womens clothes to dress in, why, because they are not importaint to me because no matter what i wear does not change who i am im still a female / woman. born one, or a woman who is different, take all my clothes away im still female, when you see it from this perspective & with the eye's of a woman its very different when you understand what it is being a woman. so its no wonder your S O is haveing a few issue's,

The other detail will be ..... is this only about dressing or liveing as a or like a woman. is there an end in sight or your marrage will be on shakey ground, trust me i do know what its all about,

Being open in all aspects of who you are where you need to go how you need to live & that could intail liveing by your own or with some one else, the ramifcasions are pretty hard, so think very carefully about what you do & how it impacks your S O .

As iv said before had i married a man id expect him to be a male, & remain one,

It would be one thing to now & again dressup its totaly another to be like a woman with forms & all. ,

we in our group have some neat men over 100 who dress in dresser's & skirt's & look pretty neat yet not a one would even dream of any thing other than being who they are as neat men or a mans man.

...noeleena...

[Emma Beth]

Michelle, as everyone seems to be telling you, the question of weather or not this is worth it is ultimately up to you. Also the fact that she needs time to adjust to the changes and that you need to slow down for her is also the best solution. I feel that the reason for slowing down is that you need to make her feel that she is not loosing "you". She needs to know that you still love her, and you need to show her all the time that you appreciate her. When you take it slow, she will see just how each baby step makes you happy and give her time to adjust to the change. When she sees how happy it makes you, she may surprise you; but don't get your hopes up.

I've just recently come out with my Wife and she is adjusting well. I do have quite a few obstacles to over come like being able to shave my legs. Through additional discussions, I have learned that me having smooth legs just creeps her out because it is so different for me. Oh, she knows that I have been shaving my arm pits for years and that I have always done it for reasons of hygiene. But the legs are something major. I have made progress with her because she agreed for me to be able to shave them for an entire week while I was on vacation, week before last. The last week I wasn't shaving made me feel miserable and I asked her if I could shave for the next two weeks because next week is my birthday and she agreed. If I play my cards right, by summer I will be shaving my legs full time. In this way she feels in control and it helps our relationship. When the time is right we will be having another discussion about how far I would like to go and how far I can go.

The one thing that she accepted quicker than I thought she would is painting my toes. Since I painted them the first time they have had color ever since and I truly love her for that.

I will admit that when the "Pink Fog" rolls in, it makes holding back really hard; but you do need to show a lot of self control in this for her as much as yourself.

Each situation is different and taking your time is best.

So, I give you lots of hugs and wish you the best of luck. Take it slow and see where your journey leads.

Love and Hugs,
Jamie

P.S. Michelle, if you need to talk. You can pm me any time and I will listen to what you have to say.

[Rachelakld]

I agree about letting your wife graduate.
For me, I only have this one life (this time around anyway).
I left my ex, and found a current wife who loves the man side and the compassionate & understanding girl side.

I want my wife to share in my journey as I share in hers.
Luckily she allows me hours to explore my girl side depending on committments (especially when she wants to do a few hours hard studying without distractions in the house)
Lots of people are scared of change, especially if their "Rock" moves suddenly
Best of luck

[Kate Simmons]

Only you can decide what is more important to you my friend.:)

[Jenni Yumiko]

That's a question best for yourself. As everyone else said only you can determine what makes you happy and what price/risk is associated with it. Your on the right track though talking to a gender therapist, they can help you realize what your needs are and when it comes time to speak to your wife.
Good luck, its a long journey ahead.

[Jenniferathome]

Is it worth it? I can't seem to change who I am. If I continue to suppress this side of me, I will not be happy. I so want to be happy, but at what cost?

Miserable Michelle(needing huggs)

Michelle, I wanted to address the "worth it" notion. Is there really an option? You wrote the answer above, "I can't seem to change who I am." So rather than struggle with a choice of happy/unhappy, the issue to be resolved is what compromise can you work out with your wife. You have advantages that many cross dressers do not have when coming out: 1) she knows! 2) You have a therapist

Invite your wife to therapy with you next time. Let her express her fears in a non-confrontational way. A thrid party can help broker and understanding. With that, you can work some compromise. Know that the compromise may be DADT but it will be a start.

Good luck

[suchacutie]

A few things seem pretty clear. You are trying to work this out as you have a therapist. Letting your wife graduate first is a very good idea as she must be under serious stress. Asking your wife to join you in therapy is also a superb idea (after graduation) and she might see this as the good idea it is.

The part that needs to come to the surface at some time is that you are still the man she married (I assume you are still the man she married!). The fact is that your feminine self is a part of that person she married, and I have trouble believing she's not curious about who SHE is! The only way your wife will get to understand that part of you is to interact with the "her" part of you. It might be a revelation for both of you!

Of course, that revelation could be completely negative...i.e. she might not like your feminine self, but if your femme self is only a part-time item, she still has the male part of you for most of the time, with a condiment of your femme self. If she really does not like your femme self then that will be an issue the two of you will have to meet, but it should be done together, and the therapist can help you both do that.


Best of luck!

[MichelleR276]

I would like to thank all of you for your kind words of advice. Some days are tougher than others. It's nice to know I can come here and find warm words and good advice.

Huggs,
Michelle

[Alison_Mathers]

Jamie, I am the same way. I see myself right now as a "Tomgirl". My wife can't handle a wig and breast forms. As much as I want to experience the full thing, I need to give her time to adjust to it too.

Also, some of the best advice (other than Jenniferathomes coming out advice) was to take it at her pace. At first she was completely against makeup (which she wasn't much into), but when I started showing her blogs of fun things to do with makeup she got excited and even encourages me to wear it.

[Loni]

is it worth it.

in one word YES

go for it and do not look back.

[Joanne f]

Is it worth it, quite a simple question yet quite difficult to answer for someone else , I am looking at this from a CD/TG point of view as being TS is a bit more difficult in the " Is it worth it " question , you need to dress , and we must not underestimate the power of this need and how it effects one if they cannot express this side of themselves yet you feel that your wife will not accept the degree that you need to go to to feel happy with yourself and we must not underestimate the need for some wives/so not to see or think about their husbands dressing and acting like a female , so that leaves bit of a problem and the only way to sort this out is for both sides to understand that there needs to be some sort of compromise which is well worth it in the long run .

[sherib]

Is it worth it? Welcome to the world of Crossdressing. Join many of us who have asked the same questions. When or if you ever figure out is it worth it. Besure too post your findings. So we can learn.

[NicoleScott]

Don't Ask Don't Tell is not, as some think, hiding your dressing from your wife. It's an agreement:
Him: I need to do it, but I recognize that you don't like it, so I won't put it in your face. I'll dress in private.
Her: I recongize your need to do it, but I don't like it and don't want to see it, know about it, or talk about it.
Both: if the terms of this agreement become unacceptable for either of us, we need to talk, renegotiate, etc.
DADT can and does work for many couples, and it may work for you, Michelle.

[Kelli<3]

I am struggling with the same question. I don't have an answer. I'm married with 2 kids and in my early 30's. I'm not sure what I plan to accomplish and whether it is worth it in the end. My instinct tells me it isn't worth it but I don't think I can walk away completely.

I have so many contradictory things going through my head that may drive me insane. I hope you can decide what is best for you and your wife. You both need to be happy but you definitely can't hide your activities from her or mislead her. Be honest with her and yourself. If you think you can give this up and be happy I say go for it, I wish I could.

[happyallie]

For me it's about getting me, myself and I all on the same page. I'm really close and happier for that.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, Michelle, the biggest thing is that you're making your wife miserable. By letting her know about your feminine feelings and behavior, you're destroying the image she had of her masculine husband that she fell in love with. In a way, it's like seeing someone you love, die. Because then they're gone forever, replaced with someone who is clearly NOT the person she fell in love with. Sure, she may still care about you, but the passionate love may be gone. Been there, done that, as the saying goes. It's not her fault; we all create an image of who a person is in our mind based on what we know of them. And that's what we fall in love with. Destroy that image, and the love can be gone as well. Replaced by, well, what? Often, anger. Anger that she was 'fooled' into believing you were something you were not. Be prepared for a backlash of feelings on her part. Remember, sexual and gender identity is primary in who we see the other person to be; yes, she can go back to school, change jobs, but she's still the woman you married. You are no longer the man she thought you to be. And no matter how much you might like to believe that you're still the same person you always were, that's not what SHE sees.
Getting her into crossdresser wives support groups may or may not work; in my case, it simply introduced my wife to other unhappy women who also had 'perverted' husbands, and may have been instrumental in her deciding to divorce me. Best bet is to get into some type of therapy at a gender specializing psychologist, who can help her come to grips with the situation. Again, in my case that might have worked if she had not gotten so many negative responses at her 'support' group meetings.
But stopping crossdressing (or appearing to) is an option. I've had some luck by telling women that I 'used' to be a crossdresser, like it was something that I was cured of, and that seems to make them happy. But on further investigation, they are not comfortable with the idea of a guy who crossdresses at all. If you make it look like something you did, rather than something you are, and tell them about it, perhaps they can accept it. Telling them that it's what you ARE declares that it's something permanent and will not change, ever, and they're likely to see you in an even more feminine light.
Right now, I'm back in the closet. I haven't found a way to get women to understand and/or accept crossdressing as an acceptable behavior in a guy they are intimately involved with.
Best of luck. You're going to need it.

[Eryn]

Michelle, it may be that your wife does not understand the gravity of your need to CD. People with access to a full range of expression tend to minimize the importance of that range and if you haven't expressed your needs well she may be under the impression that this is a passing fancy.

It might be worthwhile to have a very serious discussion with her about how important this is to you, how it's not something that "goes away" and how much you are counting on her to support you as you explore this aspect of yourself as you have supported her.

Having been in the CDing community for a while now I can tell you (and her) that there are far worse thing that can befall a marriage then a husband who wants to explore his femininity. If she gives you a chance your relationship might well become closer and happier. That is my experience, but I also realize that I am lucky that I have a wife who takes her commitments seriously.

[Karen Francis]

I got married when I was 20, my wife 18. She knew about my feminine side before we were married. As long as it literally stayed in the bedroom, no problem. Fast foward 30 years. Kids are gone, time is right to start accomplishing several things on my list. One of them was going out on a limited basis fully dressed to support meetings. Very discrete. The more I indulged the practice the more she objected. Nothing, no discussion, no compromise would change the trajectory. Add a few other frictions to the marriage and it is now gone. Divorce is in the works. Occasionally some wives will grow to accept the idea. 1 chance in about 10 I say, judging from my experience with other TG's and what you read here.
The choice is simple. Either submerge your feminine side and keep the marriage and everything that goes with it ( family relationships, friends who will find out whether you want or not, co-workers etc). Or express it and see where it goes. The odds are not in your favor if you continue the practice, no matter how carefully you execute the plan. If you have an unforgiving spouse, you will lose everything.
That said, I have no regrets. I am honest to myself, and the very close friendships I have with those in the TG community are worth more than the less than honest relationships I had with others before.

[FelicityMay]

i get discouraged a lot whenever i think of how my friends and family see what i am doing.
i sometimes wonder "i love to cross dress, but is it worth losing friends over?"
the hardest part is that my feminine side is supposed to be my happy and optimistic side, and whenever i start to doubt myself there, it takes all of the fun out of it.
sometimes, just telling people how you truly feel is all that matters. even if you can only say "this is a part of me, and it will never go away, but i will stop doing it for you if i have to".
people cant get mad at you for having specific feelings, as long as you dont act on them

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michelle, You really have to ask yourself what am I going to gain and what am I going to loose.

[suzanne]

IMHO it is absolutely worth it! You need to be who you are. To always bow to the will of a world that defines your role too narrowly is the path to misery. Life is too short for that.

Your situation sounds not too different from mine. My wife is OK with things like nightgowns on me, but sometimes freezes right up at the thought of me in a nice dress. There are several possible forces driving her attitude, such as her own sexuality (I'm not a lesbian), personal insecurities, internalization of societal norms, or the negative image of drag queens, which seems to be many people's only notion of what a cross dresser is. These factors have been built up over a lifetime and don't come down in just one talk or look, or even years maybe. Some women will talk easily about feeling, mine won't, so I have to be ready for any brief window of receptiveness whenever it happens. Long story short, my wife has gradually expanded her comfort zone to the point where I can dress at home pretty much as I please and she's cool with it. I will say that took several years, though.

Stay patient, and let her set the pace of discussion and acceptance. The fact that she has some degree of tolerance for your femininity holds out the hope that there could be more progress as long as you don't mess it up by pushing her faster than she is willing. Everyone here is rooting for you, sister!

[Michelle (Oz)]

Michelle

Some similarities and some difference in my experience. I talked to my wife last July about my need to CD and her reaction was extreme. Suffice it to say that she threatened suicide - 'can't live with you, can't live without you'. I was very hurt thinking her love to be equivocal and it took me some time to get beyond the hurt.

There is no point in me trying to have her understand my needs. That will simply renew her concerns and fears. So I keep my CDing quite separate and out of her sight - sad, sometimes a bit lonely but oh so practical. In fact, I don't want my wife to think about me CDing now. It would only complicate my routine.

My fulfilment comes from fully presenting as a female within the community - I suspect that your journey is taking you along the same path. Is this worthwhile despite the complications? Absolutely!

Don't blame your wife and don't feel bitter about her lack of acceptance. Negativity breeds negativity and can impact the loving relationship you have. Stay positive and work out solutions that suit your circumstances and satisfy your needs.