How to keep the wife from finding out about "the other woman"

[Geena75]

I'm really new to realizing my feminine side. From her comments on a number of tangent issues, I know this would not go over with my wife.

I'm at a difficult time, after an amazing three days of self experimentation/discovery, she is back home and Geena must be concealed. How is this best done?

Although I did shave my legs to just above the knee, I can claim it is a cure to a real problem of itching. They will probably have to grow back by summer.

I also have to keep the two 15 yr old girls from discovering Geena.

Any suggestions?

[FelicityMay]

if you are really fixed on not letting anyone know, and you are just focusing on how to hide it, just figure out times that you can safely be home alone for long periods of time... im trying to hide it too and i barely get to get all dressed up when i want to.

if you are really daring, you can try leaving the house dressed up, just dont be seen by someone you know ;)

[Jenniferathome]

Geena, read this thread: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?189678-GG-needs-advice-from-other-GG-s

The common theme here is that it is the husband's lying, not cross dressing, that causes more problems. Think what will happen when she finds out by accident....

[allesha10]

Geena, Jennifer is so right. I did the hiding closet thing for my entire life, lost one wife over it,and almost lost this one too. Luckily we talked through it. She is not real big on Allesha,but tolerant as long as she is not seen. But the hardest thing she had to get over was the loss of trust from me hiding from her.

[FelicityMay]

one thing i have noticed about telling people, is that there is a difference between having a desire, and acting on it...
a good idea would be to approach her and say like "Crossdressing is a big part of who i am. its not a phase, its never going to just go away, but if it bothers you that much, then i wont act on it"
that way, you can admit how you really feel, but someone cant be mad at you for having feelings

[RenneB]

Well girl, you're going to get a lot of "come clean with the SO" responses to your post, but I'm in the other camp and keep a seperate but equal stance. When family was around, it was only male mode, when I could schedule 'me' time it was all me. It takes a lot of packing and hiding and secrets but with a little forthought you can pull it off ..... for a while.

Eventually, every once in a while your 'girl' side will leak out. It'll be a long sythn hair left in the sink or a fake nail in the carpet. I managed to hide everything pretty well and still had to do some 'splainin'.... prep youself for either a great bunch of 'untruths' or .... well you'll figure it out.

I was lucky that my job moved me a thousand miles away and no one drops buy on Renne.

If you need some other ideas just send me a PM and we'll chat.....

Renne.....

[Jamie001]

It is important for you to come out to your wife and be honest. The alternative is much worse if she finds out. It will eventually happen and then you will be in damage control mode.

[Tiffbear]

The daughters will be out of the house soon. I personally wouldn't risk it till they're gone, not worth the humiliation and judgement.

Talk to the wife, tell her you are interested in Cross dressing, see what she says. Might want to wait for the leg hair to grow back for that though, so you don't make it too obvious in case it doesn't go over well.

It sounds like you're not in deep enough you have a lot to hide/purge is required to preserve the marriage. You need to figure out how important it is to you to dress. If the wife says she isn't cool with it, decide if you can live without doing it, or decide if you need to move on.

Just do not let her find out by discovering your secret, or worse your daughters discovering, then telling her.

[Fran Moore]

While I agree, it is much better to tell before becoming involved in a long term relationship, many of us, for a variety of reasons don't until much farther down the road.. Just because someone was successful in telling their partner "after the fact", and they found acceptance, doesn't guarantee that a carefully worded "confession" will be accepted. Some women can not get past it, and you will live with the consequences no matter what. For many of us it ended up being a lose/lose situation. Once the genie is out of the bottle, she won't go back in. Proceed with caution, and consider your future options should that be the case with you!

[MsJanessa]

You notice you are getting a lot of advice to tell your wife about your femme side--I'm very careful about urging that type of behavior for someone else---following that type of advice might well be ending the marriage for both of you and the one size fits all advice you are getting above may be to your disadvantage. What you should do is talk to a neutral third party, a therapist, or someone similar, to determine where it is you want to go. Staying in the marriage and keeping it secret can be very stressful---however, telling your spouse might well result in her packing up and leaving or worse, throwing you out--and you still have the kids at home to consider. You might want to hold off telling her until the two girls have left home---that way if your marriage does go south, at least they won't be as affected as they would be now when they are still living with you.

If you feel you can't give up your femme self, and few of us really can, you have two choices, either tell her or not---either course has its disadvantages---and contrary to what you read here, a lot of spouses have a completely negative, even hostile reaction---and will try to use your secret to gain an advantage in a divorce settlement or simply to get revenge for a perceived wrong. There is a website devoted to the wives of crossdressers. If you want an eyeopener, go to that website and read some of the venomous rants those ladies post. I agree that telling your spouse can be a good thing but only in some cases---and unlike all the other posters in this thread, including me, only you know your spouse and only you have any idea how she will react---do you have a strong, happy marriage aside from the crossdressing? Then telling her might not be the disaster that it might otherwise be. If your marriage is bumpy now, however, then you might not want to confess to her that youve been hiding a secret from her for at least 15 years. One of the things you should think about is do you want out of the marriage, just not yet? Then my advice is don't tell her---just wait until the kids leave home and then end the relationship on an amicable basis---on the other hand if you want to stay married and you have a good relationship with your spouse, then you might want to take the chance---just be prepared for the drama.

[Jenniferathome]

---do you have a strong, happy marriage aside from the crossdressing?

Janessa asked THE question. I am very "pro-telling" your spouse. My situation has been nothing but positives and I do know that is not the rule. But is not the exception either. The reason my result was so good is because my relationship with my wife was rock solid. I am firmly convinced that no one divorces because of cross dressing but it can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I do believe that it is inevitable a cross dresser will be discovered so you must be prepared for that. Do read the thread I posted above. The women are in synch: lying is worse than cross dressing. It's a trust thing. So, back to the question from Janessa. If yes, tell. If no, hide but figure out how to tell.

[Melissa Rose]

Geena, I am from the school of "when" and not "if" the wife finds out. You will have to keep all of your girl stuff out of the house and only dress away from home or at times where you are 100% sure your wife and/or daughters will not come home early or unexpectedly. Then you will have to conceal your away from home hiding place. I knew someone who got busted when their wife found out about a storage unit that was rented to keep his girl stuff hidden away in. It is very difficult not to leave a trail including the purchase of items (e.g., credit charges, unexplained cash expenditures). I knew a few who have kept it hidden for many years, but I am not fully convinced the wives do not have a clue.

It is up to you to decide whether to tell your wife. You know best what will be the better way. I will say this is not a case where asking forgiveness after the fact is easier than asking permission in the first place. As others have mentioned, it is the lying and deception that upsets most wives more than the cross dressing itself. It is my opinion that telling her when, where and how you want is better than having to explain yourself when emotions are high and when she decides to confront you about it.

[Wildaboutheels]

You are 53 but don't say how long you have been maried?

Even if you have a G R E A T marriage... for 10, 15 or 20 years?

So what. No guarantee of anything IF you decide to tell her. It could simply be UNacceptable to her in any way, shape or form. Of course she also COULD accept to some degree or another.

You either tell her and take your chances. OR...do your best to hide it and deal with the consequences should she find out.

I see the "itching" excuse a lot in the Forums btw. Personally, I think that is one of the flimsiest ones people might choose to use and I am not sure how many women would buy it.

[Fran Moore]

I'm not sure that all women would consider lying to be worse than crossdressing. Some would consider them equally as bad. Some also consider not telling, to be lying, even though they never asked the question, or ever suspected..........They still consider it to be "living a lie".

If there is anyone here who has never ever told a lie, or "lived a lie", would you please stand up, so that most of us can see what a totally honest person looks like.

P.S. That includes "white lies" and fibbing!

[Ceri Anne]

I wish you the utmost of luck Geena. I am in your boat, but looking for the shore so I can come out, even though I know she is not very accepting of things that are different.

Jennifers link is a very very very good link. You will have many people agreeing with it here, and they are absolutly right. But only we are able to guage when and how or even if we should come clean. If everything in your relationship is good, but you know her well enough to know it would end the relationship, its hard to say coming out would be good. There are many CD'rs here who have gotten divorced over this. It can be a dangerous and expensive situation.

That said, here are some things I do.
- I keep my cloths in a tool bag in my trunk. I carry lots of tools there so it doesn't stand out. Others store them in crates with camping equip, tools, or in the attic.
- I shave my private parts, this is in responce to her gagging on a hair
- I epilate my chest and legs down to my knees. This started as only shaving my chest due to a gel I had to apply for low T which made my chest hair sticky and matted. I slowly grew from there.
- I keep my nails groomed, slightly longer (1/16 in) and polished with clear nail hardener. This is for the real reason of keeping my nails from getting chewed up at work
- I am lucky, I travel regularly for my job, so get to dress a few nights a week. I know some who find an excuse to be "out of town" and just go to a local hotel, then out.
- as for times to dress at home, they are few and far between. My kids are grown, so sometimes I get a weekend if she goes to pick my daughter up (last weekend) from college etc. Just have to look for opertunitis where she and the girls are gone for extended time.

While I had valid reasons for some of the things I suggested, remember, there is nothing admirable or honest about any of them. I have been working to build up to telling my wife, and you need to find ways to do that too. I wish you well, but understand fully where you are.

[I Am Paula]

Lying is not fair to your wife, and you will get caught. Remember, you have rights in this marriage too. Come to some agreement.-Celeste

[Alison_Mathers]

I agree with Jennifer. Her's was one of the first posts I read and came out to my wife even before I started dressing. It was the best thing ever. She told me that the lying would be worse than anything.

[ArleneRaquel]

During my marriage I hide my femmy stuff in a locked locker in my garage, we owned two homes during our time together, and I did so at both house, and I also hide things with a friend who lived in East Lake View. That friend and I took part in a few Gay Pride Parades and other events. Btw we were just friends, no more.

[MysticLady]

I'm really new to realizing my feminine side. From her comments on a number of tangent issues, I know this would not go over with my wife.
I'm at a difficult time, after an amazing three days of self experimentation/discovery, she is back home and Geena must be concealed. How is this best done?
I also have to keep the two 15 yr old girls from discovering Geena.

Any suggestions?

Hi Geena

Take it from someone that disscussed this w/ wife. My wife tried to understand it and accept it in a matter of a few months. She realized that she just cannot deal with it and kept telling me it was wrong and so on. Unfortuantly we are now separated and Im free to express myself. Problem is I miss my family. This is something that you'll need to really think about and decide if trying to purge and forget it. I tried and I turned into a very not nice person. I wish you the best in finding the secret remedy(let me know about if you do:heehee:)

[IngeInCO]

You will get caught, somehow, someway. I'm of the opinion that honesty is the best as others have said. It's super scary but you might find it awesome in the end.

[noeleena]

Hi,

lets look at this from the womans side, have you thought about how she thinks , think as she does, then concider your move, the mouse will get caught just how bad it gets is the ?.

As to your two young women in your household dont treat them as kids, when the time to come to tell them, not knowing how they have been brought up makes it harder, & that can depend on you both in regard to accepting others who maybe different,
out side of the home to accept others who are different inside the family can be very different because its just too close to home. you know your S O far better than us so think it all through very well .

Like i said think as she would & remember she married a man not another woman to keep home to, or share the bedroom. its you she wont's & needs,

I see it from her perspective as a woman , you are looking at it from a male's perspective, & its not to say it cant go the other way, & she would be reserved yet may be comfortable with your dressing, though how far would determine the outcome,

...noeleena...

[Lacey New]

I think all in all, I would prefer to be honest with my spouse and tell her about the other woman. However, 1. Being a coward and 2. knowing how my wife would react, I too have elected to keep my dressing a secret for many years of marriage. In some respects, this has left me unfulfilled to the extent that i have never been able to REALLY dress the way I would someday like to with shoes, jewelry good make-up, wig or forms. And, my opportunities are rare even though I do get to underdress periodically. So, I know the box that you are in and the only yhing that I would suggest would be to hide your stuff well, choose very carefully when you dress and - as you already are - be prepared for the consequences both mentally and emotionally.
If it is of any consolation, you are not the only one in this closet.
Best wishes,
Lacey

[andrea lace]

I think things would be considerably worse if she caught you red handed that would be one massive Elephant in the room. If she comes across an item of feminine clothing or make up that didn't belong to her she would assume and quite rightly so that you were having an affair. The only advice I can give you if you plan on not telling your wife is be careful. Everyone that uses this forum are different and some wife's would be more accepting than others. All I know is that I was a miserable ******* until I came clean with my wife. Now we are both happier.

[EllenJo]

Every situation is different. I am sure that there are those here that successfully hide their dressing from their spouse. I thought I did for years. She knew that I had a "thing" for women's clothes when we first met. She was ok with me wearing women's panties and pantyhose but made me promise not to go any further. After that is was pretty much a Don't Ask, Don't Tell situation. As much as I thought I hid everything from her, I now know that was not the case. I am lucky because now that she has accepted my need to crossdress, (Wife has change of Heart post) I have learned what a lousy job I did of hiding things. She knew about the stash I kept in the garage. She knew that it always went with me on business trips. She found her old make up things that she threw away but that I kept. She found the slip that I missed in the washing machine. Over the years I kept my stash small to keep it hidden and she seems to have kept track to some extent of various outfits that came and went. She found this website in my browser history and knew how much time I spent here. She also noticed that when ever I was surfing the web, that women's clothing sites ads always popped up. She choose not to say anything. On a couple of occasions when I thought she came home and almost caught me, she did notice the traces of make up that I thought she overlooked. I know that my first wife knew more than I thought she did also because she threw it in my face when we divorced but unknown to me she told my current wife.

This is just my experience so I am not saying that it is not possible to successfully hide things but I realize now that women are more knowlegeable than we think and fortunate in my case more understanding than we think. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. At least if you tell her you can control the timing. I am lucky that she decided not to make it a big issue It would have been hard to explain things fully dressed with make up on.
Love
Ellen Jo

[Geena75]

Thank-you for all the advice. Bear in mind -- my stuff adds up to only a pair of shoes, 2 pr pantyhose, underwear and maybe a bra or slip. I don't go 100% because I sport a thick, trimmed beard.

I'm more afraid I will subconsciously leave a clue that will bring on the conversation.

Married 25 yrs, btw.

[Stevie]

All the above posts. ave valid points. This is your choice. I knew what I was facing when I told my wife. As much as its been difficult I am also grateful that at least she now knows. Good luck in your choice.
My wife always found my things before I told her.

[Kate Simmons]

Living in the same house with someone, there is no way you can hide it forever. Sooner or later even the best of us are discovered. Then it becomes a matter of "back peddling" explaining why we hid it so long. Sometimes we just have to decide if it's worth all of the effort to conceal.:)

[Jenniferathome]

.... All I know is that I was a miserable ******* until I came clean with my wife. Now we are both happier.

Geena, this comment captures my feeling as well. For me, the shame and pressure of hiding finally became worse than the fear of telling. Maybe you are not at that point yet but I suspect you will get there.

[suzy1]

Geena, read this thread: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?189678-GG-needs-advice-from-other-GG-s

The common theme here is that it is the husband's lying, not cross dressing, that causes more problems. Think what will happen when she finds out by accident....


No, not when she finds out, if she finds out!

Not all members are so carless [stupid?] to let themselves get found out.
And some members know that being found out would be a disaster!


Are we going to get the one sided argument again about all members should tell their wives?:eek:

[Sandra]

Are we going to get the one sided argument again about all members should tell their wives?:eek:


From most of the GGs I would say yes :)

It is entirely up to the OP on what she tells her wife. If she chooses not to tell then she has to live with that and all the hiding that goes with it. Just expect a lot of problems if she does find out herself.

[suzy1]

From most of the GGs I would say yes :)

It is entirely up to the OP on what she tells her wife. If she chooses not to tell then she has to live with that and all the hiding that goes with it. Just expect a lot of problems if she does find out herself.


We are not talking about the GGs

And you are stating the bleeding obvious here Sandra. ["Just expect a lot of problems if she does find out herself"]

Can no one see the other side of the coin? I guess not.:eek:

[Jenniferathome]

No, not when she finds out, if she finds out!

Are we going to get the one sided argument again about all members should tell their wives?:eek:

Suzy, I would certainly argue to my last breath that it is a "when" you are discovered. It's the little things that trip us up. But the "one sided" argument you reference is really about honesty and trust. No one can argue against HONESTY. It is the CONSEQUENCE of that honesty that you are arguing. There is a consequence for telling or not telling. So I go back to the foundation of any relationship. If solid, the storm can be weathered.


We are not talking about the GGs

But Suzy, we ARE talking about GGs here. They are the ones that get told or lied to. Who better to offer advice on "telling" or not?

[Sandra]

We are not talking about the GGs

And you are stating the bleeding obvious here Sandra. ["Just expect a lot of problems if she does find out herself"]




I know I am Suzy, but there is a lot on this forum who don't see the obvious.

[suzy1]

Suzy, I would certainly argue to my last breath that it is a "when" you are discovered. It's the little things that trip us up. But the "one sided" argument you reference is really about honesty and trust. No one can argue against HONESTY. It is the CONSEQUENCE of that honesty that you are arguing. There is a consequence for telling or not telling. So I go back to the foundation of any relationship. If solid, the storm can be weathered.

Do you want to take this outside Jennifer.:Angry3:

We will agree to disagree girl.:love:

[slamddoger]

it is better to talk it over whith your wife then to have her find out the hard way it could be hard on both of you if she fine out the hard way

[Ellanore G.G.]

We are all different on here, so if you decide not to tell,
well thats your decision alone.
And tbh it can go 2 ways
tell, and risk her wanting nothing to do with it " only you will know this "
Then she will watch your every move, and you wont be left alone
long enough to do it much anyway
or dont tell, but dont do it at home, where there would be a risk of getting caught.
Once there are children, espc teens, you just never know when they are going to come
home unexpected.
I have read on some other forums, how wives that dont even tolerate
berate their H, and even threaten to expose them to their family's, and parents :Angry3:
In these cases, I truly believe that they would have been better off saying nothing,
But I also think, they would be better off without the bitterness,
that was maybe there anyway.
So no one can make the choice but you..
Good luck.:)

[Kristyn Hill]

married 20 years and wife is supportive. I went from love of high heels which she was always into to I like to wear after years to finding this place and understanding I am who I am. I had complete disclosure last April and it has been great. She wears sneakers at times and I wear heels. No biggie.

The lying will always catch up so I suggest try to find some kind of middle ground. Easier said than done, I know. I hope the absolute best for you.

[Beverley Sims]

If you have been doing it this long Geena there is not much more I could suggest.
It may be something you can come out to the girls about in a few years.
I say it is a good start to tell the wife, but in your case when to tell.
I would read more and ask advice when you are in a better position to do so.

[JustWendy]

Suzy, I would certainly argue to my last breath that it is a "when" you are discovered. It's the little things that trip us up. But the "one sided" argument you reference is really about honesty and trust. No one can argue against HONESTY. It is the CONSEQUENCE of that honesty that you are arguing. There is a consequence for telling or not telling. So I go back to the foundation of any relationship. If solid, the storm can be weathered.

Jennifer –
I think you’ve summed it up well, but that is the rub. People aren’t looking to be dishonest in their relationship, but they fear the consequence of being honest. And there is good reason for that fear. Even a loving spouse may not be able to handle this part of her spouse. Yet, I don’t believe you can successfully hide this from your wife forever, Geena. And the little things that will trip you up, may not lead to immediate discovery or confrontation, but they will plant the seeds of doubt in her – doubts of your fidelity, doubts of your honesty, doubts of your love. At some point there will be a discussion, and at that point you will not only have to face the original potential consequences of being honest, but also the consequences of not having chosen that path in the first place.

Wendy

[nikkijo]

My bet is she knows already. I never could hide shit from my wife when we were married. So. I bet she already knows so not coming clean will just make things worse trust me

[Jenni Yumiko]

I am part of the tell your wife camp. I didn't and one of the biggest issues we face today is her feeling of betrayal.

[Amy Fakley]

I am part of the tell your wife camp. I didn't and one of the biggest issues we face today is her feeling of betrayal.

this too is also a matter of "when" not "if".

After 15 or 20 years of marriage there are going to be feelings of "betrayal" whether you come out to her right now or whether you come out to her a year from now, or even if you never willfully do and are accidentally outed by discovery. That's just gonna happen, and it's probably not going to be pleasant, no matter how it goes down.

Every time someone asks these kinds of questions, the guilt-patrol comes in beating the drums with the "you awful monster, tell her right now or risk the consequences" routine. Well, "the consequences" are likely going to be a reality no matter how it happens. So, play your cards in your own time, and as much on your own terms as you can, and above all try to avoid unnecessarily hurting the ones you love ... and don't feel like you have to rush into anything. It's true that the longer you stay in the closet the greater your likelihood of being found out, and it's also true that this is probably the worst possible way to come out.

Honesty is surely the best policy long term. Only you have "boots on the ground knowledge" of your own life and circumstances (perhaps "heels on the ground" is a better phrase in these parts).

There should be no shame in being closeted. We all have our reasons, and I for one respect everyone's reasons.

[PaulaQ]

Suzy, I would certainly argue to my last breath that it is a "when" you are discovered. It's the little things that trip us up. But the "one sided" argument you reference is really about honesty and trust. No one can argue against HONESTY. It is the CONSEQUENCE of that honesty that you are arguing. There is a consequence for telling or not telling. So I go back to the foundation of any relationship. If solid, the storm can be weathered.

I'll just say that one factor you overlook, Jennifer, is that there are some people who want to be fooled. Not just about this - but about many unpleasant situations that have no handy resolution. Denial is a powerful force, and it works both ways. Some people DO NOT WANT to leave that place. My family while I grew up gave me many examples of this. This alone is a good reason why these things are case by case.

I'm not suggesting someone rely on this - because when it blows up in your face, the results are generally spectacular. But I've observed this quite a number of times.

That said, I'm going to write a post soon poking holes in the rationalizations I've been using for not talking to my wife. I'm going to talk to mine fairly soon. Because really, if you can't be honest with your partner, but say "my marriage is SOOO GOOD", well, one has to ask "how good is it really?"

[suzy1]

if you can't be honest with your partner, but say "my marriage is SOOO GOOD", well, one has to ask "how good is it really?"

Better than divorce, loosing you children, your friends, your job your house, your self respect.

Life is not perfect and nor is marriage.

Surely we can have understanding and empathy for members that will never tell there wives. And there are some members here that have hidden it all there lives for very good reasons indeed.

[Wildaboutheels]

I really hate to bring this up. Cuzz I know so many here don't care for FACTS. Or REALITY. If one bothers to READ these Forums, there are plenty here who thought they had great marriages. Till they told their loving wives.

Their Relatiosnhip ended in divorce because of the disclosure.

By all means, go ahead and claim that their marriage "probably had other problems" or wasn't that solid. If a thousand people here claim it, it still won't make it true.

LOVE CONQUERS ALL ... is the biggest and worst Forum MYTH of them all.

Our Loved ones don't HAVE to accept everything about us any more than we do about them.

[PaulaQ]

Better than divorce, loosing you children, your friends, your job your house, your self respect.

Life is not perfect and nor is marriage.

Surely we can have understanding and empathy for members that will never tell there wives. And there are some members here that have hidden it all there lives for very good reasons indeed.

I'm definitely not arguing with you - everyone's circumstances are different. And I definitely empathize. I've had to start over from scratch once in my life already. It sucked. I don't really want to do it again, and hope that I do not have to do so. I can well appreciate why someone would want to avoid that.

But I've also seen marriages that stuck together that just shouldn't have. It is not so clear cut that "losing it all" vs. "happy marriage" is quite as clear cut of a decision as it might seem at first. I'm simply suggesting that people consider that - if not telling is the right choice, then that's how it goes.

I'll give you an example - a worse example than what most of us do. When my grandfather died, we were quite surprised when his second family, wife, kids, and all, showed up at his death bed. He was still married to my grandmother, and oh boy, my mother was surprised. I don't know whether or not my grandmother knew or not, but she must have at some level - she was a bitter, bitter woman at times. My only point is that sometimes staying together is not really for the best - I don't think my grandparents (I loved them both) did anyone any favors. They didn't do each other any favors, anyway.

Again, every situation is unique - I am simply saying that people who are making a choice between two bad choices should look carefully before deciding which one is really worse. (And sometimes that really is the situation - you have two choices, both bad.)

I'm definitely not suggesting people feel guilty about this - these situations are what they are, and "self-preservation" is a pretty valid excuse to my mind. I'm simply suggesting that we should all look at our individual situations carefully, and decide what is really worse, as best we can. It is easy to choose "hide!" because we've been doing that all our lives. Sometimes that's even really the right answer. But know that it is, instead of reacting.


I really hate to bring this up. Cuzz I know so many here don't care for FACTS. Or REALITY. If one bothers to READ these Forums, there are plenty here who thought they had great marriages. Till they told their loving wives.

Their Relatiosnhip ended in divorce because of the disclosure.

Actually, to my mind, the worst case is the marriages that don't end, but should. If you'd like to have a view of what a toxic, codependent relationship looks like, read the forums on cdwives.com. Divorce is a horrible thing, but seriously, read those forums and let me know if you think what some of those relationships are like is better.

People are funny about divorce, because it's so final. Sometimes, though, the alternative is worse.

Look, if your wife is liable to find out, for whatever reason, you are probably better off being honest about this. She'll either deal with it, or she won't.
If your wife does not want to know, and is not ready to handle this, then you are probably better off not telling.

If you keep it hidden - but she knows "something is up", and becomes miserable and unhappy because you are miserable and unhappy, is that better?

[suzy1]

Again, every situation is unique - I am simply saying that people who are making a choice between two bad choices should look carefully before deciding which one is .

No, not two bad choices, one bad, one a lot better!

[Stephanie47]

Geena, I'm not going to give you advice on concealing your cross dressing. I am going to give you advice on the "REAL" problem of itching legs, especially the lower part of the legs. Itching of the legs is one of the first signs of pre-diabetes or diabetes. You should have a fasting glucose and an A1C test done.

[ReineD]

I'm at a difficult time, after an amazing three days of self experimentation/discovery, she is back home and Geena must be concealed. How is this best done?

Are you a gambling man? If so, the stakes are high but you can certainly try to keep it hidden for as long as you can. You do run the risk of blowing it forever for yourself though.

Still, no matter how good you are at hiding things, trust me, she will eventually know that something's up, even if she doesn't find your stash. Tragically, she may think that you are having an affair for awhile. Do you really want to put her through this? You will also be surprised at the changes that are about to occur within you. The longer it takes for her to find out, the more stuff you will want to get, the harder it will be to hide it all, the more impatient you will become for moments when you can dress, the more it will affect your temper/moods when things will inadvertently happen to thwart the dressing sessions, the more you will look forward to her and your daughters not being there so that you can dress, the more you will feel discontented with your closet ... and the more the situation will escalate until you feel disconnected from your wife, and vice versa.

Also this may or may not happen, but you run the risk of successfully keeping it a secret for long enough to feel so frustrated at the degree to which you need to suppress yourself when your family is around, that you might even begin to hate your male life enough to think that you are transsexual.

If you want to analyze the situation further, you are wanting to keep this private, not because you want to spare her feelings, but because you just don't want to ruin the crossdressing for yourself. You also are projecting your own fears onto her. You subconsciously tell yourself that men shouldn't do this and if it is found out people will think that you are less than a man, and you are projecting this onto your wife.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I've read too many stories of people who approached it like you propose, with disastrous consequences for all concerned ... for you just as much as them. :sad:

So here are the choices:


Don't tell. Crossdress in peace until the situation blows up, after which time she will feel so betrayed that she will insist you either stop or she will want a divorce. At that point, you both will be older which will make it more difficult to start over for you both, and it will be impossible for you to stop after having hidden it all that time. So you will be stuck between a rock and a hard place.


Tell, and she will give you the same ultimatum as above. But, she will not feel as angry about having been lied to all these years, there will not have been years of accumulated distancing between you as the result of having a white elephant in your marriage, and she may be more willing to learn about this.


Tell, and she may not be happy but she may not give you an ultimatum either. You do risk having to put the brakes on the crossdressing in the short term which will be easier now than later, but depending on your level of knowledge about this and your and your wife's ability to communicate and process things, there is a big chance that she will eventually believe that you do need to dress, even if it means the two of you will reach an agreement where you can dress privately, but not behind her back.


Tell, and it won't be as bad as you think.


So unless I've missed something, the chances of navigating this successfully in your marriage are greater if you tell now.

Last, everything I've said is under the premise that the two of you are in a good marriage, and you both feel connected. There are, however, not so good marriages where couples irritate the hell out of each other but only stay together for the kids. In this case, you can pretty well do as you please.

[Jenniferathome]

.... the more you will look forward to her and your daughters not being there so that you can dress, the more you will feel discontented with your closet ... and the more the situation will escalate until you feel disconnected from your wife, and vice versa.

Wow. This hits too close to home. I've never seen this thought presented by anyone, but sadly it describes me. I was an ass. My wife and I were just talking last night about how I was slowly pushing her away and she didn't know why. HIDING was why! Funny, but coming out as a cross dresser saved my marriage and my hiding it was the only negative in my relationship. Crazy.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Reined's post should be stickied

[AllyCDTV]

So here are the choices:


I think ReineD assumes a lot based on the 8 sentences from the OP.

Discovery is not guaranteed. It depends on many factors including how careful and in control the CD is and how observant the SO is. Luck also plays a factor.

Just because the CD tells the SO does not mean the consequences will be any less than if the SO found out on her own.

Not revealing may actually be better for the SO and not just a matter that the CD wishes to continue crossdressing.

Good marriages always take work to maintain stability. A revelation that one party is a CD could be the thing that sends even a marriage considered good by all other standards, spiraling out of control

And yes ReineD you did miss something as did everyone else, namely quitting. Yes I know that many people on this site will say that can't be done but for some it can. To me that is the best solution and certainly worth a try.

[MsJanessa]

I'll just say that one factor you overlook, Jennifer, is that there are some people who want to be fooled. Not just about this - but about many unpleasant situations that have no handy resolution. Denial is a powerful force, and it works both ways. Some people DO NOT WANT to leave that place. My family while I grew up gave me many examples of this. This alone is a good reason why these things are case by case.

I'm not suggesting someone rely on this - because when it blows up in your face, the results are generally spectacular. But I've observed this quite a number of times.

That said, I'm going to write a post soon poking holes in the rationalizations I've been using for not talking to my wife. I'm going to talk to mine fairly soon. Because really, if you can't be honest with your partner, but say "my marriage is SOOO GOOD", well, one has to ask "how good is it really?"

Absolutely right Paula---some wives dont want to know---how many times have you seen a woman who puts up with her husband's philandering by just pretending it doesn't exist---until he "confesses" and then watch the s**t hit the fan.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Geena, I came out to my new wife 49yrs. ago it was on and off over the years now it's
DA DT I dress at home she just doesn't want to see it.

[Asche]

A lot of the posts in this thread make what I think is an unreasonable assumption, a childish fantasy: that you (the CD) have any control over anything but your own behavior.

You can't insure that she'll stay by not telling. (Or by telling.)
You can't insure she doesn't know by hiding.
You can't even insure she doesn't know by quitting.
You can't know how she'll feel if you tell, or if you don't.
You can't know how she'll feel tomorrow, or 5 years from now.

All you can control is what you do (and even that to only a limited extent -- BTDT, got the T-shirt.)

I have a theory as to why M2F CD's spend so much energy on this: as males, we're used to the idea that we should be in control of what happens. So taking a step that so obviously puts the future out of our control is just too out of character.

For myself, the question would be: do I want to live my life sneaking and hiding and lying and pretending and risking getting "caught"? Or do I want to live a life where my cover story is the same as my inside story?

Some people like the hiding and pretending (they make good spies, BTW.) If that's how you like to live, then more power to you. But for me, living that way isn't a life worth living.

[PaulaQ]

You make an excellent point, As he. We don't control anything but our own behavior, and in my case, this is questionable.

We also can't predict our spouse's reaction, generally. There are very progressive women what are repulsed by this in their husbands, and deeply conservative women who accept it.

[Fran Moore]

This was really well written (as usual) Reine. It is truly a gamble, isn't it, no matter when you divulge the info. For those that "came clean" and were accepted, they WON! For those that "came clean" and weren't ......... Too bad, so sad.

It's easy to see why the accepted ones are so euphoric about it! I hate gambling......, maybe I'm just a sore loser.......

[Jenniferathome]

...how many times have you seen a woman who puts up with her husband's philandering by just pretending it doesn't exist---until he "confesses" and then watch the s**t hit the fan.

Well, never, is the number of times I have seen that first hand. However, when I have read about women in such relationships (some here, BTW), 100% of the time emotional abuse, fear of leaving, fear of starting over, low self esteem and even kids are cited as why they tolerate. Maybe you are thinking of Dallas or Dynasty, you know, pretend relationships. Some wives may not want to know, that is true. But I think you are intimating that you are doing "women" a favor by not telling. That's just another rationalization for doing the wrong thing.

[PaulaQ]

This was really well written (as usual) Reine. It is truly a gamble, isn't it, no matter when you divulge the info.

I hate gambling......, maybe I'm just a sore loser.......

Make no mistake about it - we chose to gamble the moment we omitted this one lil inconvenient fact about ourselves as our future spouse got to know us. (Or so she thought.)

The question is - do you keep spinning the wheel, or make one final all or nothing play.

The fact is - by not telling before you entered a relationship, you took away some choice from your partner - there was a decision they never got to make. I don't see how anyone can feel that is ethical. (And yes, I know why we all did this, we have better excuses than many, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't own our mistakes.)

[Fran Moore]

So are you a "winner" or a "loser"? And if she dumped you because you told before the relationship started, did you win......or did you lose? Do you have children? Do you love them? Would they have happened if you told first, and got dumped? If you are a loser, is there nothing good that has happened in your longterm relationship that you cherish? Isn't it (life) really about more than the one issue of CDing?

It's not that cut and dried is it.........

[ReineD]

Suzanne, I know your circumstances and I'm very sorry it has to be that way for you. You explained it beautifully the other day in a post and when I read it to my SO I had tears in my eyes. :sad:

But, you are NOT hiding from your wife? I mean, she does know that you crossdress, except she doesn't approve? There's a big difference between the two. She cannot say down the road that you are springing something new on her, should she walk in on you dressed one day. In the meantime, hopefully you can continue to work on improving the communication channels between you. Maybe one day you will be able to communicate (to the point where she will believe) that you need to express this side of yourself and it is killing you to have to sneak around.

If your wife refuses to learn enough about this to acknowledge that it is not going away, then maybe the two of you can go to marital counseling to hone up on relationship skills? Both partners have a voice in the relationship, not just one. Your wife has every right to not participate if it isn't her cup of tea, but she does need to acknowledge that you need the time and the space to be Suzanne.

One of our long standing members has recently finally had major breakthroughs with her wife. And this was after years and years of tension between them.

[PaulaQ]

So are you a "winner" or a "loser"? And if she dumped you because you told before the relationship started, did you win......or did you lose?

I'd have lost out on the love of my life - but I wouldn't have cheated. And more to the point - I wouldn't have denied the love of my life to make a choice about me, up or down. I had no right to lie to her. There's an excellent chance, in my opinion that I would've lost in this instance. Going from "overweight, handicapped, ex-drunk" to "cross dressing, handicapped, overweight, ex-drunk" would probably have made her dump me at the time. She was pretty iffy on me to begin with, mostly because of the "handicapped, ex-drunk" part.

But you know what - she told me every single thing about herself, good and bad. She gave me a trust that I did not return. She gave me that opportunity - she played fair - I didn't. I had my reasons - I really believed this was in my past, and a result of my alcoholism. (I lied to myself too). At the time, I hadn't CD'd in years.


If you are a loser, is there nothing good that has happened in your longterm relationship that you cherish? Isn't it (life) really about more than the one issue of CDing?

You can rationalize anything along those lines. ANYTHING. Suppose I stole something to get my family out of a bad patch? Does that make it right? Suppose I lied about my criminal background because my fiance wouldn't like it? How is this in any way different, other than it's main problem is that people freak out about it beyond all reasonable proportion to the problems it causes. (High freakout value, near zero real problem value.)


It's not that cut and dried is it.........

Yes, I think it is.

[Fran Moore]

Thanks Reine, yes she does know, I am not hiding. It is my hope that someday I (we) too, will have that breakthrough, but even if it doesn't happen I will continue to love and honor her for all the other wonderful qualities and moments that she has brought to my life that I so appreciate. We have both made compromises that have allowed our relationship to endure to this point. Her acceptance would simply be icing on the cake. I'm so sorry for your tears, it was never my intention to evoke that emotion from you, but at the same time I thank you for your caring and sympathetic thoughts. You are one in a million!

Paula

Okay, I'm happy if you are.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason.

Peace.

[PaulaQ]

Okay, I'm happy if you are.

I also believe that everything happens for a reason.

Peace.

Who said anything about being happy? I'm happy with her. I'm probably about to wreck that here in a couple of weeks. I see the most probable "best case" as being right about where you seem to be. I will not mind if, when I start a thread about it, you tell me "see, told ya so!"

In my case, I don't feel I have much of a choice. I'm losing my ability to hide this. I'm really sneaky - I'm like the lady mayor of Liarsburg. I am a very good liar - I am not proud of this. And I also know that the first rule of being sneaky is to not be compulsive about your behavior, which is totally where I am right now. I'm likely to get caught because I simply don't have good control over this. It's almost happend a couple of times - it is only a matter of time now.

So hey, at least for me, when ethics align with inevitability, why not go with ethics?

[AllyCDTV]

Geena must be concealed. How is this best done?

Any suggestions?




That said, here are some things I do.
- I keep my cloths in a tool bag in my trunk. I carry lots of tools there so it doesn't stand out. Others store them in crates with camping equip, tools, or in the attic.
- I shave my private parts, this is in responce to her gagging on a hair
- I epilate my chest and legs down to my knees. This started as only shaving my chest due to a gel I had to apply for low T which made my chest hair sticky and matted. I slowly grew from there.
- I keep my nails groomed, slightly longer (1/16 in) and polished with clear nail hardener. This is for the real reason of keeping my nails from getting chewed up at work
- I am lucky, I travel regularly for my job, so get to dress a few nights a week. I know some who find an excuse to be "out of town" and just go to a local hotel, then out.
- as for times to dress at home, they are few and far between. My kids are grown, so sometimes I get a weekend if she goes to pick my daughter up (last weekend) from college etc. Just have to look for opertunitis where she and the girls are gone for extended time.


Just read the OP again and does anybody else remember the question posed in the OP? It wasn't about whether Geena should tell her wife or not, it was asking us for some suggestions to conceal it from her wife. Ceri Anne had some excellent suggestions and here are a few of mine that I'd like to add:


Pick a place to crossdress in an area of the house where your spouse is unlikely to visit such as your den or in-home office. Preferably it has a lock on the door. It should also be in a place where you can hear the car door slam.

Make sure you police the area after you crossdress, getting on your hands and knees to find loose wig hair, jewelry or other things that may have fallen. Make sure you take an inventory of everything you had on, especially panties and stockings. Vacuum the area when done.

Do not use anything with sequins or glitter. That stuff can fall off and leave traces. Wear only good wigs that are less likely to shed.

Make sure you have your makeup remover at hand.

Practice drills in getting out of your clothes/makeup quickly in case you hear the car door slam. Have a panic room such as a bathroom you can retreat to if necessary.

Don't even think you can crossdress because your SO is in the bedroom sound asleep.

Find a place to keep your stash that your SO doesn't even know exists. Build a hidden chamber if need be.

Only show your face on the Internet if you are unrecognizable in makeup and a wig. Also be careful not to have anything in the background which will give your house away.

Get a GPS tracker and hide it in her car. I have one of these and it was great. http://www.zoombak.com/ You can set zones so that if your SO's car enters or leaves, you will get an E-mail letting you know. Note that this is only a back up. You still need to use common sense in making sure she will be gone long enough for you to safely get a session in. You can only put so much faith in technology.

[IngeInCO]

Just read the OP again and does anybody else remember the question posed in the OP? It wasn't about whether Geena should tell her wife or not, it was asking us for some suggestions to conceal it from her wife. Ceri Anne had some excellent suggestions and here are a few of mine that I'd like to add:



Get a GPS tracker and hide it in her car. I have one of these and it was great. http://www.zoombak.com/ You can set zones so that if your SO's car enters or leaves, you will get an E-mail letting you know. Note that this is only a back up. You still need to use common sense in making sure she will be gone long enough for you to safely get a session in. You can only put so much faith in technology.


I honestly don't know what to say about that....I'm in shock

[ReineD]

Me too. That would be a deal breaker for me. I'm not interested in being in a relationship where I'm manipulated and spied on like this and where there is no trust. Been there, done that, and life's too short. :p

[NicoleScott]

We should leave it to Geena to decide if and when to tell and answer her original question instead of getting into damned liar judgements.

To add to the suggestions: when I was in hiding mode, I fretted over the small stuff, like making sure I accounted for ALL TEN adhesive nail tab backings as well as all 10 fake nails. It was a windstorm that blew over the garbage can revealing a pantyhose package (not her size) that got me busted. Details!

About the GPS tracker: if you use one of these to help hide, you've lost the right to be upset if she uses hidden cameras to catch you dressing at home. Technology can work both ways, for you and against you.

[Geena75]

I can't express how much I appreciate the outpouring of advice. I hope anyone in anything like my position will find it as thought provoking as I have.

I also have to say that I luv all of you. That you care enough to give of yourselves as you have about brings tears to my eyes (a real difference from the man in me lol).

I have decided a plan. Keep in mind the following: Over the 40 years since I first experimented in dressing up I probably have spent the equivalent of five days dressed up (to any degree). My longest stretch was probably about 12 hrs (sleeping in panties, pantyhose, and a slip). The furthest I have gone toward 100% dressed is wearing the following -- underwear, pantyhose, slip, bra, dress, shoes. I don't plan to shave facial hair to wear make-up, nor do I own a wig. I did shave my legs up to the knees about a week ago, but am letting it grow out. In short -- I am not that invested.

I do plan to keep Geena a secret. I can keep her undercover and only let her out when I know I have the alone time to do it. I can be relatively satisfied with only a couple hours. Unless Geena is more accepted by me, she will remain more fantasy than real.

That isn't to say that I won't look for opportunity to probe the subject with my SO. If I feel there is any chance at a form of tolerance I may pursue it. Then again -- I went years between dressing up, so I may put her away for a while.

Part of me would like to go away for a weekend with one of you and go 100% to really feel the experience, but never without my SO knowledge and acceptance. Another small part of me urges me with disgust to put it all away now. I choose the middle road.

I have a cover story about my legs with does have an element of truth -- my shins develop an itch so bad that I have scratched them raw and bleeding. Since I shaved, I regularly apply an aloe moisturizing cream and felt better since. Beyond that, is she asks I won't lie, but am much more prepared for that conversation thanks to all of you.

[JenniferR771]

Sounds like a good plan, Geena. Just be ready if she finds out somehow. You will have some splainin' to do.
Happened to me. Tense at times, but we are still together.
Michigan girls are cold lately, but in the long run we are very level-headed--practical.

[MysticLady]

this too is also a matter of "when" not "if".

After 15 or 20 years of marriage there are going to be feelings of "betrayal" whether you come out to her right now or whether you come out to her a year from now

I agree. Youre stuck between a rock and a hard place. 1) youre not being truthful and trusting of her if you don't tell her where she'll feel betrayed. 2) When you tell her then maybe she'll also feel betrayed because it's not what she signed up for.
Sometimes you'll need to chose the lesser of the two "evils" for a lack of a better word and count your blessings if she doesn't hit you with a frying pan:heehee:

[ReineD]

Wow, Geena ... and here I was assuming that you dressed fully and frequently like all the avatars that I see in this forum! Your OP mentioned something about 3 full days while your wife was out of town, and you did refer to yourself as a woman!

But given your circumstances ... having dressed a combined equivalent to 5 days in the last 40 years, and only in underthings at that, with body hair intact and no wig or makeup, I think that you can take your time to decide how to disclose this to your wife. I did the math, and if you average 5 days over 40 years, that's 3/100ths of one percent of the time! This is not a significant part of your life.

But, if you notice that things begin to escalate, if you start looking forward to dressing out of the blue and you wish that your wife wasn't around so that you can indulge, then you will be crossing the line from not disclosing something insignificant to not telling the truth about something that is becoming important.

[Momarie]

ALLEYCDTV Said:

"Get a GPS tracker and hide it in her car. I have one of these and it was great. http://www.zoombak.com/ You can set zones so that if your SO's car enters or leaves, you will get an E-mail letting you know. Note that this is only a back up. You still need to use common sense in making sure she will be gone long enough for you to safely get a session in. You can only put so much faith in technology."



To catch a criminal...
Ya gotta think like a criminal, don'cha Dude?

You can only put so much faith in technology regarding your unsuspecting wife OR a husband with panic room/hidden chamber/carpentry skillzzz!

[Geena75]

My apologies. The three days I had also included over 30 hrs at work and I had my daughters around for all but 8 waking hrs remaining.

[ReineD]

So let me ask you a question, Geena. You dress an insignificant amount of time, this is established.

How much combined time do you spend thinking and fantasizing about it, and participating in this forum or reading other forums/blogs/picture galleries, and looking at clothes online? Sometimes, it is not just about the dressing, especially with people who are deeply closeted and who have almost no privacy. So maybe this would be a good way to gauge how important this is to you. Just a suggestion.

[~Joanne~]

This really is a deep thread, a lot of bad advice in it too. Really a GPS tracker? That I am afraid is way over the top. Reine's big post above I think was the best advice, there were others that gave good advice too but her's was dead spot on as usual. Eventually, no matter how careful you think your being, you are going to get caught. The last thing you want is for her to find things and think your cheating on her. At that point your relationship, let alone any trust, is out the window.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

No, not when she finds out, if she finds out!

How many times do we have to go over this until people get it. How many "I thought I hid it very well, but my wife found my stash/knew all the time." threads do we have to see. I've been seeing them in various online transcommunities for 14 years now. Are people never going to learn from the past?


Not all members are so careless [stupid?] to let themselves get found out.

It only takes one slip when you ARE careless or tired. Or perhaps even a wife or SO thinking that there should be more money in the bank account and finding out where it goes. Or checking out the storage shed, or wondering why the attic door is ajar, or how you knew what a d'orsay shoe was, or noticing traces of makeup or perfume, or finding you wdressed when you don't expect it.

Lots of members "thought" they were good at hiding it and would never get caught...they were wrong.


Are we going to get the one sided argument again about all members should tell their wives?:eek:

It is not one sided, because it's the best thing, the right thing. Let me put it this way, if you were a wife, wouldn't you not want your husband to lie to you?


We are not talking about the GGs

But they're the ones being lied to, and the ones that find out. Don't you think their insight would be valuable?


Can no one see the other side of the coin? I guess not.:eek:

There is no other side. You either tell, or hide it, be miserable, act guilty, engage in self destructive behavior and are found out.


Suzy, I would certainly argue to my last breath that it is a "when" you are discovered. It's the little things that trip us up.

Right.


But the "one sided" argument you reference is really about honesty and trust. No one can argue against HONESTY.

Right


But Suzy, we ARE talking about GGs here. They are the ones that get told or lied to. Who better to offer advice on "telling" or not?

Right.


Better than divorce, loosing you children, your friends, your job your house, your self respect.

But those aren't concrete things that will happen with 100 percent certainty...they're things you fear...they "might" happen or they might not. I mean after all if your friends don't want to be your firends if they find out you're trans...perhas those kind of people are people that you shouldn't have friended in the first place. And in certain places, including my own home state and the UK if I remember correctly job discrimination is against the law. And you can't lose your self respect unless you do it yourself. And how can you have any self respect sneaking around to storage bins, or having stuff shipped to PO boxes or directly lying to your spouse when she finds that old wig you thought you buried deep in the rubbish bin.

One of the reasons we say tell early in relationships/before marriage is to ensure that they WON'T happen.


Surely we can have understanding and empathy for members that will never tell there wives.

Empathy yes. Agree to support and encourage their deceptive and foolish behavior....no


And there are some members here that have hidden it all there lives for very good reasons indeed.

They "think" they have hidden it. That doesn't mean they really have now does it.


Still, no matter how good you are at hiding things, trust me, she will eventually know that something's up, even if she doesn't find your stash. Tragically, she may think that you are having an affair for awhile. Do you really want to put her through this?

Good way of putting it.


You also are projecting your own fears onto her. You subconsciously tell yourself that men shouldn't do this and if it is found out people will think that you are less than a man, and you are projecting this onto your wife.

Insightful assessment.


Sorry to be so harsh, but I've read too many stories of people who approached it like you propose, with disastrous consequences for all concerned ... for you just as much as them. :sad:

I'm telling you Reine, saying it like you are doing and like I do is sometimes the only way. I've seen it before I've seen it again.


So unless I've missed something, the chances of navigating this successfully in your marriage are greater if you tell now.

I did a similar list once and as I said the optimal solution was telling Here it is:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?183181-They-say-all-good-things-must-come-to-an-end&p=2999293&viewfull=1#post2999293




Let me put it this way, which of these three things is the best. Be honest:

1. Telling wife before marriage.

2. Telling wife after marriage.

3. Not telling wife, having her find the stash, assuming an affair, finding out about the crossdressing and feeling betrayed/decieved, etc etc.

#1 is the best, because it "prevents" the problems associated with the latter two from coming up in the first place. I'm all about prevention, prevention, prevention.



We should leave it to Geena to decide if and when to tell and answer her original question instead of getting into damned liar judgements.

Oh this is funny, a Bible Belter basically saying that it's OK to ignore the Ninth Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Lie.

Lying is bad right? Or is it okay when it's lying about crossdressing?


when I was in hiding mode, I fretted over the small stuff, like making sure I accounted for ALL TEN adhesive nail tab backings as well as all 10 fake nails.

Oh yeah, the hiding made me engage in OCD, making sure all the buttons were in the same position as before, ones that were buttoned, buttoned, ones that were unbuttoned unbuttoned...would do if I left one unbuttoned that was buttoned, and vice versa. It made me sick in the head with worry that I missed one little thing. So I'd check and double check and triple check and felt horrible.

Eventually I told and a cloud was lifted...no more hiding, no more OCD stuff, I could put my stuff in my actual closet and my perfume on my own dresser. Trust me, the deception is not a healthy thing for our own mental health let alone how wrong it is. Tell for your own piece of mind so you don't have to worry about hiding anymore if nothing else.

Veronica

[IngeInCO]

Wow Veronica, you have a similar perspective as I do. There are many ways to deal with these situations. I always feared being caught, some OCD behaviour. As it turned out she did notice, but didn't say anything. Once I decided to be honest it was so much better for both of us. A great weight lifted.

[PaulaQ]

It only takes one slip when you ARE careless or tired. Or perhaps even a wife or SO thinking that there should be more money in the bank account and finding out where it goes. Or checking out the storage shed, or wondering why the attic door is ajar, or how you knew what a d'orsay shoe was, or noticing traces of makeup or perfume, or finding you wdressed when you don't expect it.


Totally agree. Also don't underestimate people's ability to sabotage themselves. The subconcious mind can make people do stuff because inside, they want to be caught. Even if your spouse is fairly unobservant, a person can certainly screw themselves up and be caught that way, because they really want this to happen, at some level, inside.

[Danielle_cder]

Honesty honesty honesty. I know some are so far "in" that telling the SO would/could b disastrous... The load that is lifted when u bear all is fenominal. U not only take the weight off u but ur SO as well