Early days of transition

[emma5410]

I am in my ninth week of transition. It was not a free choice. The GD was so bad that I really felt I had no alternative. The only choice I made was the date. I did it a few weeks earlier than maybe I had to because it gave me some feeling of control. So far it has been very smooth. My family are supportive apart from one family member who is shocked and struggling to come to terms with it. I told the management at work last October and the rest of the staff in two big meetings just before I started full time. I do not claim to pass perfectly but I am not concious of being stared at and strangers seem to treat me as a woman. I am happy living as a woman. My GD has reduced to almost nothing and I am more relaxed being myself.
So what is the problem?
I am not sure. In the last few weeks I have started to have mood swings and recently become more depressed.
Everyone at work acts as if nothing has changed and that is great but kind of weird because, of course, it has. Having kept this thing a secret all my life I feel naked and exposed now. I have no real idea how people see me. I know if they seem to accept me I should not care but I do. I feel as if I am on some kind of a stage and I cannot see or hear the audience.
Am I crazy? Self obsessed? I realise people have their own lives and problems that are far more important to them.
I feel in a kind of limbo. I really am transitioning in the sense of crossing between two worlds.
I hope the above does not sound too self pitying. I would really appreciate hearing how other people found their first few weeks. Did they suffer mood swings or depression. By the way I am very aware that other people will have had a much tougher time in terms of passing and acceptance at work and with family. My problems may seem trivial in comparison but it is where I am at the moment.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

this is wonderful sharing emma
your problems are far from trivial...

at the beginning i had many "WTF am i doing???" moments... i have felt the exhilarating sting of feeling the "real me" in the real world...

transition doesnt really do anything except cure gender dypshoria... curing gender dysphoria is a neccessary condition for you to live a life that meant something to YOU!!! but its no guarantee of what happens next...

now you get the thrill and the terrible challenge of actually doing things for yourself..just like everybody else...

take your moments as they come...live day by day... you are a woman... women have emotions and needs, insecurities, strengths and weaknesses ..live them all and see what happens...people will respond to you differently over time...i've found that very familiar people still see the guy in me...they treat me differently than people that know me only as kaitlyn... i get over it because my GD is gone... their treatment of me is not relevant to my femaleness or my state of mind...think of it as being a tomboy to them..

learn from your experience...passing and inner dialog are quality of life issues for you...you'll find over time how important they are for you... save money to maximize your options in the future..

consider how meaningful this step was for you.. consider how you would be not human if you had no depth of feelings over something so powerful...you did an amazing wonderful and courageous thing...

[Aprilrain]

Wow, did I right this in a black out under a different name?

Yes, yes and yes to all of your questions. My family has been really great and since my FFS I really haven't had any problems with passing but I have had depression and been very self conscious and yes even self pitying. Antidepressants have helped with the depression and self pity and time has helped with the self consciousness

[Deborah_UK]

I could have almost written everything as you have Emma after nine weeks, other than the mood swings! (Its now over three years since I transitioned, and 6 1/2 weeks post-op). Are you on hormones?That may have some bearing. I noticed from earier posts of yours that you are in the UK, are you with a GIC yet?

But your problems are not trivial because they are pertinent to you. I have to admit that from almost the moment I transitioned my depression, from which I'd suffered for years lifted. So to my completely untrained eye, its likely the current depression isn't necessarily linked to GD.

Or perhaps its because everything following your transition has been so ordinary, your colleagues acceptance and finally being out there, you are still waiting for the bus to hit you? Contrary to some posters it doesn't always follow that rooms fall silent on your entrance, that people say abusive and hurtful things. Yes, some will "sir" you and that will knock you.

You are happy living as a woman. Enjoy your life :)

[arbon]

I definitely relate to your post. Transitioning is a real trip - lots of ups and downs and adjusting as your life keeps changing. I often still feel like I am out there on that stage to and not sure how people are really seeing me. I transitioned in a small community, not much anonymity.

[josee]

Emma, as others have already alluded to the feelings you are having appear to be very common among our community. Myself I am not out at work so I know about that limbo feeling. I feel like I am still waiting to be myself at times. My GD comes and goes and I have struggled with depression for years and much of that is chemical imbalance I believe. It won't go away overnight. Therapy is always recommended. My therapist has helped me a bunch in dealing with some of these feelings.
Try to focus on the positives and look for new opportunities to expand your horizons. You are a special person with unique perspectives.

[Chickhe]

It is common to feel depressed after making a huge achievement. If it lasts more than a week or two then you should investigate more. One thing to learn about feeling down is to actually evaluate why you feel like you do and decide if your physical reaction is appropriate. ...just that cycle of thinking helps resolve it. For example, someone cuts you off on the freeway and you respond with thoughts of feeling like everyone is out to get you...if you stop and think, the more appropriate response is to be a little angry at the risk this person took at your expense and realize the other person doesn't know you, they are just in a hurry then your feelings will improve. The next time, you will only annoyed and decide to just give them some room for your own safety.

[emma5410]

Thanks for the replies. It really does help that other people have felt similar things.
Kaitlyn said something very important

Transition doesnt really do anything except cure gender dypshoria... curing gender dysphoria is a neccessary condition for you to live a life that meant something to YOU!!! but its no guarantee of what happens next...

If you had told me that beforehand I would have said 'of course I understand that'. From reading this forum and other sources I 'understood' a lot of things about going full time.
Now I have learnt that there is a difference between 'understanding' and experiencing it first hand. I wish the people who complain about tough love and people being 'mean and miserable' could experience transitioning then they might appreciate what a fundamental change in your life it is.

I thought transitioning would be mainly about presenting as a woman at work and how people would react. External things. It is not, It is internal. How the ground shifts beneath you. How the world looks the same but is so different.

I had a slightly crazy moment last week when I was walking past the men's toilets at work. I have worked in my present job for over fourteen years. Mostly as a male so I have walked through that door many times. Obviously I now use the women's toilets and it suddenly occurred to me that I can never walk through that door again.
Everyone I have told this to have laughed and I know it is a little silly but it was a moment when the fact that something fundamental has changed really hit home.
I have found going full time like one of those fantasy stories where someone walks through a door and expects to be in just another room but finds themselves in an totally different world and the door has closed behind them.

Deborah. Thanks for your post. I am on the waiting list for Charing Cross but based on the latest waiting times I think it will be next year before I get an appointment. I have been self medding, not a good idea I know. I have seen a psychiatrist and hormone specialist privately. Hopefully in a month or so, now that I am living full time, the hormone specialist will take over my medication. I have been having blood tests. My depression could be hormone related but the dosage has not changed in the last six months.

[KellyJameson]

You write very well and what you are feeling is very normal and you actually gave the answer when you said you were crossing between two worlds.

Our sense of belonging is gender based and there is a shock to the mind when you live in that moment between social identities.

You feel extremely alone as if you are a visitor from somewhere else in a land of strangers.

Your problem is not trivial and even has a name. It is called existential loneliness and will cause severe mood swings until you become comfortable with the experience.

Human beings are not designed to be alone in the sense of not being connected to others and we connect as an aspect of gender.

All of these connections you had are now going to need to be rebuilt and this takes time. We are creatures of habit and now everyone must unlearn what they learned overtime with you and start afresh.

This is automatic but it takes time.

You will learn a completely different social identity much like what children learn as they grow up but you are doing it has an adult. This is traumatic and you will have to practice vigorous self care and self management.

The sensation of this type of loneliness is temporary and it will slowly ease with the passage of time.

You may want to strike up a "new" friendship with someone who see's you as you in the "now" because acceptance is key to reducing this existential loneliness and when you have no history with someone this fresh new acceptance allows you to be "naked" without feeling "naked"

A uncomplicated casual friendship without any demands on you

This is one reason some start new lives once they transition, instead of staying cut off in their old world.

In my opinion you are feeling the affects of social isolation and this can be terrifying. Limbo was the exact word to use. You are floating like you have been cut off from everything.

I would strongly urge you to immerse yourself into a safe accepting environment with "new" associates.

Take a class at school but the important thing to do is rebuild connection.

In my opinion transitioning is far more about the psychological than the physical.

[Deborah_UK]

I had a slightly crazy moment last week when I was walking past the men's toilets at work. I have worked in my present job for over fourteen years. Mostly as a male so I have walked through that door many times. Obviously I now use the women's toilets and it suddenly occurred to me that I can never walk through that door again.
Everyone I have told this to have laughed and I know it is a little silly but it was a moment when the fact that something fundamental has changed really hit home.


Wait until you reach the stage of not having the option of standing and sitting!!! LOL

:D :D

[Kathryn Martin]

Hi Emma, thank you for sharing.

I did not experience depression following my transition but much of what you describe is not foreign to me at all. I think we all experience the nakedness and exposure, which is in part because of our own socialization and in part because this dweller in the dark has stepped out into the very exposed glare of the sunlight. It also comes with a much more detailed view of self. Those are not easy views to endure both in a aesthetic sense as well as exposing the flaws of life long socialization as a man.

I can tell you that it will get better.

[Marie_Antoinette]

If you take hormones, especially testosterone suppressors, you can expect depression. Testosterone is your "vooma" hormone. Without it you will feel "lazy".

This is why women are more prone to depression. I think TSs are worse off than women; I suspect women have some natural ability to cope without testosterone because they have been designed to be without it.

[LeaP]

Marie - seriously? Most report exactly the opposite. My experience is the opposite, going from deeply, severely depressed to quite happy and stable. It only continues to get better the longer I'm on HRT (9 months now). The same for energy - I have more than ever. Or perhaps its more usable energy. T feels like taking meth ... maybe it provides a boost, even drives you, but it's ungoverned and destructive in me.

[emma5410]

Just for the record I was on HRT before I went full time. The dosage had not changed for about 7 months so I doubt that it was a sudden loss of testosterone. I found HRT to be a very positive thing.

[TeresaL]

Serum testosterone blockage is a vital necessity for me. So much aggression, bitterness, and depression left me within a week of starting androgen blocker. That doesn't mean I'm without questions though, because certain things happened that I didn't expect. Like, I'm not going out much anymore for errands dressed to appear female. There is a disconnect within, that I did not anticipate. I'm puzzled over it -- yes, still.

Yet my family has become supportive, or at least, not at odds with me. That in itself is a huge relief. Things are pleasant even though I don't understand it all, especially the standing still and not moving forward.