privacy - my second biggest worry

[PaulaQ]

So I worry that when I talk to my wife about my being TG, that she'll throw me out. But let's suppose for a moment that this doesn't happen, and in fact she ends up being accepting.

That brings me to my next concern - privacy.

I was sitting at a store yesterday with her, talking to some friends. My wife tells the following story to them (and 2 other people who I don't know well, but run into from time to time.):

"Oh, I broke all my rules of dating when I started seeing him. He lived at home with his mother, he had a horrible car that tended to catch on fire, but he did have a job. No money though."

So all of that is true - I was 2 years out of rehab for alcoholism, I was a slave for the IRS paying off back taxes. Between that, paying rent to my mom, and paying child support, I was broke most of the time. (I sold most of my possessions to keep up with child support, fwiw.)

This was the second lowest point in my life. I'm humiliated by this. I DID NOT want to discuss this with my new friends - this was 23 years ago! And I damned sure didn't want to talk about it with strangers. This is a small town, and people gossip.

So when I tell my wife "hey hon, I'm a girl, turns out." Should I just go ahead and save some time and schedule to have a vagina installed, since she's apt to tell everyone about it anyway???!!!! (Apparently my wishes or privacy aren't gonna matter, I tell her and I'm instantly the town TS.)

I NEVER discuss the difficult circumstances she's faced at various times. I'm absolutely furious about this.

Sure, I was a loser back then. Hell I still feel like a loser. But does she have to advertise this? My CD/TG status will make for a much better story - oh yeah. "Oh look at me, look what I have to put up with for the (wo)man I love! Wish we were the same shoe size!

Anyone else face this issue?

I am venting because I'm angry, but this is a serious concern. I do not know that I want to be out in public. I do not know that I want to present as female 24/7 - maybe I do, but maybe not. But I fear once everyone knows, I'll have lots fewer choices and way more stuff to deal with than I am ready for. Maybe at some point I'm ready to face the world but not yet.

But I really fear I won't be given a choice, as you can see from my little tale from yesterday.

[Lorileah]

You know it was not her intent to humiliate you. She has over 20 years to do that if she wanted. She thought it was humorous and she was just entertaining her friends. Take some time and tell her that even though you know she meant well, it still hurts you. She won't do it again. I would bet there are a lot more secrets of yours she does not share.

[Karren H]

Or if she doesn't throw you out and isn't accepting......

some days I think life would be better is my wife had thrown me out and outted me to the world..... any way you go. when you tell someone you drag them into your closet.... it can get mighty uncomfortable in there...

[~Joanne~]

Once you let the genie out of the bottle, there is no going back. Your Wife may keep it a secret, she may not. Just the same as anyone you may tell. Privacy is a concern of mine as well. If I wanted the world to know, They would know by now.

[Chickhe]

Yes. And it takes a lot of work to figure out how to deal with it. Its difficult because on one hand she is just proud that she made the correct choice based on how bad it looked at the time, but its also something you want to not re-live all the time. I explained to my wife that I'm a very private person and I find it rude for her to talk about me to other people...there may have been a couple situations where she told her parents about some of my mistakes (actually in front of me), but I think I drove my point home by throwing out some really embarrassing story about her... in the end we learned to respect each other, more or less. Anyhow its also important to realize the constant hiding your CDing can make you a bit uptight about some other things. For the CDing, in my case, I decided to dress up for several Halloweens to make the CDing a positive event and one year her parents insisted on visiting so I bit the bullet and dressed up anyway. It was my way of breaking the news first and I also learned to laugh at myself a little bit about it. One thing I also figured out, CDing may be a huge emotional thing for me, but its not really a lifestyle change I want, so it stays close to my heart. Once you declare something, basically you are asking the other person to make concessions which you can't take back and the worst part is both you and your wife may not know what it is you want and need yet so I prefer just doing and no explaining.

[Stephanie47]

On the issues of your past, those issues are your PAST. You need to tell, not ask, your wife to cool it. If you are not that practicing alcoholic, that deadbeat, etc anymore, there is no reason for her to bring it up.

[PaulaQ]

You know it was not her intent to humiliate you.

I know, maybe I'm just sensitive. It certainly did humilate me. The two strangers in the room did NOT give me very warm looks after that story. I get to seem them about once a month from here on out too. Yay. I was ashamed.


I would bet there are a lot more secrets of yours she does not share.

I dunno Lorileah - my wife really does have one speed - open. She is pretty terrible about keeping my alcoholism a secret too. I am relatively open about this - but not everyone needs to know, and some people use this against me, or judge me. Or it's just none of their GD business. My wife is a very trusting person. This is wonderful - except when it isn't.

Maybe she was mad at me because of another story she told, over the weekend, that kind of backfired on her and made her seem foolish. (I thought we both seemed foolish, but perhaps I hurt her feelings. It was a silly story involving bee stings.)

I'm sure you are right, and if it had just been friends, I don't guess I'd have minded, but there were two other people in the conversation, and they were not friends. Maybe they will be someday, maybe not. I sure didn't want to relive that moment of my life with people I don't know well.

But seriously, I'm going to have to give more thought to being "out" to the entire world when I tell her. My wife is terrible at keeping secrets.

[KellyJameson]

If your wife does not respect your privacy than she does not respect you, pure and simple.

If she does not respect you than she cannot be trusted. Period!

Also considering how much you have trashed your early life you probably have been having gender identity issues all along because it almost guarantees a trashed life.

Loser is "gender dysphoria" and the fact that you are a privacy freak is just another indication because hiding an identity creates serious concerns about privacy.

It is not uncommon to become paranoid when you have GD

You are smart to want control and privacy and your anger is a healthy indication that you have the ability to set boundaries for your own protection.

Gender dysphoria sets you up for failure so I would try not to be to hard on yourself. Think of it like being born handicapped so I would suggest you lose the feelings of humiliation and cut yourself some slack. You are still not clear on how big this thing really is.

Assume that everyone is a potential danger to you because their fear,disgust, prejudice,sexism and ignorance makes it so.

Both genders are dangerous when you are TG but for different reasons.

Do everything you need to do to keep yourself safe from others.

There are many accepting people in the world but do not give away your trust until it is earned by the decency the person carries inside.

Decency is a very rare quality in this world so you will have to search for it and to often those closes to us are lacking in it.

[PaulaQ]

If your wife does not respect your privacy than she does not respect you, pure and simple.

If she does not respect you than she cannot be trusted. Period!

Well, it's not quite so bad as that I think. I'm going to start with "talking with her about the incident, and letting her know my feelings were a little hurt". Maybe I've hurt hers sometime - that kind of thing happens. :)


Gender dysphoria sets you up for failure so I would try not to be to hard on yourself. Think of it like being born handicapped so I would suggest you lose the feelings of humiliation and cut yourself some slack. You are still not clear on how big this thing really is.

Funny thing is - I really was born handicapped. That's actually part of my fun - trying to sort out my feelings of not liking that very much from the "why am I not pretty" feelings is confusing. There may be no way to sort them out - I am an emotional scrambled egg - lol! :p

[Wildaboutheels]

The ONLY way to keep a secret is not to tell ANYONE. How many people have told their SOs stuff and the next thing you know...

Most people can't and won't keep a secret. Does it make any difference if it was an "accident"? " Or a moment of weakness? Is it mandatory to tell kids at a certain age?

But what if they only tell their best friend? And that person tells just one person?

We can't control what anyone will say OR how they will say it. Even when we are with them.

[PaulaQ]

She sounds like a talkative type and I would bet if she knows it will not be long before quite a few others know. If you breakup everyone will know.

I can honestly say that in this case, I'm more worried about her than me. Yeah, I could lose some friends. I'll deal. My wife deals with the public a lot, and there are a few people who'd probably enjoy making her life miserable, and if SHE lost friends over this, well, I'd hate that. It would be awful, and unfair. And it is absolutely the type of thing that can happen in a little-bitty town, which is where we live.

This is the ONLY concern I have that might make me change my mind about talking to her.

I don't care what happens to me. I'm not afraid. Yes, I'll be embarrased. Yes, it may be awkward. But ultimately, I'll deal with whatever happens.

I'd hate for my wife to suffer any consequences though.

OT - but love your new avatar picture - you look fabulous!

[AllieSF]

In a way, your wife sounds a little like me. I also like to talk a lot, am pretty good with secrets, however, my "vault" does have a few holes and can be broken into, even by me when I least want to. I have realized that some people deal with issues internally by talking with select friends for specific advice or empathy. Others like me talk about our problems, the ones that we can publicly, with everyone and anyone. It is my way of dealing and eventually coming to decision on certain things, and that decision may just be to go with the status quo. Maybe it is a little like "talking" yourself through the issue and on to the decision. The responses from others are less important than the process involved as one tries to verbalize what the issue is and what the options maybe.

I think that it also related to how we process and think through things. A very good friend of mine once compared how she communicates and how I do and then related it to the world of business and management. She said that she is the listening type, hears what everyone is saying, processes, compares, analyzes everything before speaking. When she speaks she normally can do it succinctly, directly and gets the complete message out in one shot. I on the other hand speak and think at the same time as my thought process operates in real time during any conversation. She told me that based on some the management and personality tests that she has taken as part of her company's in house management education process that both processes work fine, and that actually both are needed to get all the information on the table during a meting or important conversation. That is needed so that the listeners/thinkers can get as much information to hear and think about before providing their input, while at the same time the listeners/talkers work through the issues verbally. Both processes contribute to successful decisions.

So, your wife is probably just dealing with things in a verbal manner, likes to talk (like me) and may or may not have some hidden agenda or issue that she is trying to deal with. I think that related to her talking about your troubled past, you need to have one of those calm conversations and explain that you do not like that and ask her to try not to discuss that part of your life and actually any other part that would upset you with others. It will probably not be easy for her, but gentle reminders, patience and continuing dialog about this will help get the message across and also help her to comply with your desires. Good luck.

[DonnaT]

"Oh, I broke all my rules of dating when I started seeing him. He lived at home with his mother, he had a horrible car that tended to catch on fire, but he did have a job. No money though."


In your quote, your doesn't mention you being an alcoholic or mention the reason you were broke. If she did, then she was way off base, and it not only makes you look bad, but makes her look bad as well for telling such things to people who don't know you very well. If you tell her that, then she might stop doing it. But if you make it confrontational, she might stick to her guns.

But from the quoted part of her story, it seems that she's saying she loved you for who you were.

So tread lightly.

[Wildaboutheels]

Your wife shared what SHOULD have been private information with STRANGERS.

True or false?

There is your simple answer.

Confessing may be the END of all your worry, turmoil, guilt, shame, etc. She accepts to some degree and you move on.

If she doesn't and/or won't it might just be the BEGINNING of the rest of your life. An entirely completely different life without her in it and the whole world [small town] knowing with all the ramifications that come with it.

Do you even know if YOU could be/would be happy with just dressing at home? Or do you "know" you want to dress [at least sometimes] and flee the closet?

Will your wife actually take the time to R E A D stuff that you ask her to read? I think joining this Forum when/if you tell her would do her a world of good, [even if she does no more than reading what YOU have written] especially with all the sharp GGs that water here. Or is she the type that just throws her hands up as says '"I don't want to hear it"?

[I Am Paula]

Sorry for the quandry you're in, but to me it sounds like even if you took the gender thing off the table, you'd still have a pile of issues to deal with.


Not to derail a good thread-Wildabout heels-your avatar is fantastic!

[PaulaQ]

@Celeste - I don't think there are a bunch of issues. My wife told a story she's told before, I never liked this story, but never complained. This time she was unusually careless about it, and I think I was feeling dysphoric and it hurt my feelings.

@wild
1. I don't really expect telling her will make all my problems go away. I'll trade sneaking around (maybe) for dealing with whatever mental health issue this is that I'm going through. Am I expressing some long suppressed gender identity - this is who I'm supposed to be? Am I the victim of a really powerful and profound paraphilia? Is the the result of a trauma I suffered when I was young? Is there some physical or chemical imbalance in my brain that lead to this? There are tons of political opinions, but best I can tell, science has few hard answers yet. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.) So the bottom line is I have this issue. Odds are pretty high - it isn't going away. Nobody has a treatment to make it go away. It's getting progressively worse, and at this point, this isn't about "fun girl time!", it's about not feeling like the world is about to end. This seems like something she should know about.

2. If she can't abide this, I'd move out and away from here. I'd be sad as all hell, and life would suck, but I probably wouldn't stay here if folks ostracized me.

3. I think I want to go out, but I'm still really new at this, so maybe I'd be fine staying home. I dunno. I wouldn't go out dressed around here.

4. I think she'd try to learn. Whether she could ultimately accept it is another question.

Despite getting my panties in a bunch over something l'd normally blow off, my main concern is just that my wife really lives her life like an open book, and so of I'm out to her, I'm out to the world. I'm sure my fear of this exacerbated my annoyance. The actual damage done to me is probably near zero in this instance.

[Stevie]

You really need to tell her that your past is your past. But it sounds like she is describing how what she thought was an ideal mate when she choose you. She realize that she was in love with you instead of all that. I understand from your prospective how you feel. It bothers me whenever I hear something about my past that I wish would just go away. Going through it right now. I would ask her in a round about way first about cding before telling her.

[STACY B]

Let Um tell ,,, Before all this came up in my life Hell I was a Big Boy ,, An could take all they could Dish out to me about being a Loud Mouth ,, Smart Ass ,, Crazy Drunk Guy ,, Fat Ass ,,, An what ever else they wanted to hang on me at the time ,, Shit STarter ,, Always the one who Fought first in the Bars ,, So that being said hell let the good times roll an hang it all on me First ,, :D :D :D

Because just (because) I am the way I am (GIRL) Don't change who I am inside ,,
Now give it all to me ,, Throw it all this way I will Hammer it out in the same way I did before ,, I was a Big Boy the only difference now is I am a Big Girl ,, So bring
on all your bull an give it to me good an lets get it over with ,,, So we can get on with the rest of my life !

Lets the cards Fall where they May ,, That's what the Trans Woman (Veterans ) on
here are trying to tell all of the rest of Yall !! Get ready cuz its not going to be a smooth ride by any means .
I am just changing my gender ,, Not my Attitude ,, Once an asshole always one ,,
I;ll just dress better an be cleaner an smell better ,, lol,,, But if you think for a min I will cowl down an run like a little girl from anything your sadly mistaken !

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Paula, It really sounds like you are between a Rock and a Hard Place.

[Launa]

If you have come to the conclusion that you can handle being outed to people and although you said it will be a rough ride, I think she might have more to loose than you do by announcing this to the world.
If you tell her be prepared for the worst possible outcomes as I'm sure you will and let her know if she now decides to tell the world that it might affect her and the kids more than you.
This is like the 2 of you being out on a boat with a few sticks of TNT. You will be giving her the detonation box and its up to her if she presses the green button or not. I don't think she'll want to do it right off the bat.
She will probably fell like venting to people but I would advise that you seek counselling at that point where she can vent to a 3rd party.

[PaulaQ]

1. I was feeling sensitive, and a story she's told before - I've never liked this story, rubbed me the wrong way. I think the place she told it - to strangers, was poorly chosen. The worst thing I can really say about it all is that I don't like the story, and wish she hadn't of told it right then. I wish she'd leave my past in the past, but in fairness this is also her past. (btw my car really did catch on fire - twice!)

2. I apologize to you lovely ladies for being kind of overwrought about a fairly minor thing. I'm sensitive and emotional right now.

3. I have appreciated all sides of the discussion so far, I have lots to think about.

I think my wife and I will have to explicitly agree to, and discuss who she can tell. She will need to talk to someone. If I tell her, I need to resolve that the truth will out everywhere over time. I need to figure out if I'm ok with that.

BTW, if my wife doesn't tell a soul, ever, that is probably worse. She is a straight forward, open, and honest person. There is only one thing about herself she won't discuss, and it's because it's intensely personal and painful. I hope I don't add a second such thing.

[Stacy Myrdin]

I've also made the mistake of telling someone that Myrdin didn't like to know, but we are working on it and yes sometimes us wifes also need someone to vent, but we've made an agreement about it,
and now I don't tell anyone else about Myrdin, it's her that has to do the telling when she chooses and trusts the person, hard for me cuz I'm also a very talkative person, but I'm trying:o ,
xoxo S.

[MissTee]

I have a very open, encouraging, and supportive wife ( and yes I count myself among the lucky.) That said, we keep it a secret among ourselves. However, and as I've mentioned in a few threads before, she sometimes slips up. She'll be interacting with her friends, chatting merrily along, then -- zing! Out comes a nugget of tell-tale "guess who else wears a dress" that makes me swallow hard.

As others have said though, sounds like she was not intending to insult you, but rather she was just making conversation. I think I'd ask her nicely instead of wonder about it. Good luck, sweetie.

[Alice Torn]

Paula, You sound a lot like me, only no woman would ever marry me, because i was son of a morose alcoholic loner, drank some myself, depressed a lot, manual labor low paying jobs, even a grave digger for 3 years, and drove old cars, and never could afford a nice apartment, let alone a house!! I am not dating now, at age almost 59, and i have not found a woman yet who wants a crossdresser. At least you won her over enough to marry you, and have children by you. In my small town here, i am very cautious about going out dressed up. I empathize with you in your situation. i HAVE HAD WOMEN PUT ME DOWN BECAUSE OF MY WORK, AND CAR, TOO. That was very insensitive of her. Been called a loser too. Maybe some marriage counseling, if affordable would be a place to open up. But, i don't blame you, if you never reveal it to her, as she is a talker. Women can be so cruel to their men. It takes a lot of longsuffering for you to forgive her this. Keep your cool.

[Beverley Sims]

I feel that if she wanted to out you intentionally she would have done that ages ago, and spitefully into the bargain.
This is a humorous attempt at entertainment.
It easily comes up in conversation all the time about spouse's little idiosyncrasies.

[PaulaQ]

This is a humorous attempt at entertainment.
It easily comes up in conversation all the time about spouse's little idiosyncrasies.

You are right Beverly. I was being I overly sensitive. My wife was a little careless, this is a small town and people talk. I way over reacted, and I regret starting this thread. My wife is wonderful, loves me, and she was NOT trying to hurt or belittle me.

Since I started dealing with my CD, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. When I wrote this, I was clearly on the way down. Trying to understand my feelings has been hard because I'm not used to being emotional.

I hope some useful discussion has come from this, despite me being totally wrong.

@AliceTorn - oh honey, I'm so sorry for how you feel. It is just not your fault, not one bit of it. You've experienced some terrible cruelty in your life. None of it is your fault - you have to try to believe this. I know it is so hard. My heart bleeds for you. I hope my moody, selfish thread didn't remind you of stuff you'd rather not think about. If so, I'm so, so sorry. There is so much more to you than you give yourself credit for. So much. I'm crying while I write this. Try to love yourself Alice, because you should.