coming out to your parents

[LunaDarling]

hello everyone, i havnt been on here in a long time. long story short, ive been going to gender therapy for about 3 months now, came out to all my friends in my new town. now i want to come out to my parents, as they have no idea of my intentions to transition. i was wondering if i could get some advise on how to bring it up gently? possibly some suggestions of things that work and dont work when addressing this issue? i want to start hormones soon, but i feel like i cant without my parents knowing... any advise is greatly appreciated.

[Aprilrain]

I just told them that there was something I needed to talk to them about, we set up a time and I told them.

[Nicole Erin]

First, say, "Hey folks, do you know that song "man, I feel like a woman?"
"Yeah what about it?"
"Ok, also do you know the songs "dude looks like a lady" and "walk on the wildside" by Lou Reed?"

They will figure it out.

[EnglishRose]

I lent my parents a copy of the book True Selves, and had a three hour talk with them, my supportive spouse helping me show a united front (that wasn't necessary as they fully accepted it.)

(as a side note, it was also the first day of a vacation so might have made those two weeks slightly awkward... :))

[Rianna Humble]

Although it is mainly talking about cross-dressers telling wives/girlfriends/SO's, I found the thread How to tell your partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner) very helpful in preparing to tell my (then) 88 year old father that I am transsexual.

Another piece of advice that I found helpful was to lead into it gently saying something to the effect "I have always known I was a little different to other people" and stressing that there is nothing that the parent could or should have done differently.

YMMV, but I found my dad's response incredibly beautiful and supportive.

[stefan37]

I was on hormones for approximately 7 months and my breast were just starting to show. I gave off many clues over the years, but the need to confirm what I was going through was way to important to me than to continue to let them guess what was going on. I went to their home and we talked generally for about an hour, then I told them I had something to tell them. I explained what I was doing, That I was on hormones and was actively transitioning. I explained the positive benefits I have derived from my decision and how transitioning would benefit me in the future. They both asked questions and I answered as truthfully as I could. They were concerned about my wife and kid's and I said we were navigating through those issues. Overall it could not have gone better. They may not have wanted to hear or even comprehend what I told them, but they were supportive and both told me they loved me. That said I know my mom would not be comfortable if i showed up at Easter dinner in a dress and heels. LOL

But I do know I could wear a nice feminine outfit, slacks and a top and they would feel comfortable with that.

You can not predict what others will think or how they will respond, but if it is important to you to disclose then you must to give you the peace of mind to move forward. If they are not responsive to the idea, give them some time, from my experience here and in support groups parents and children will come around at some point. Friends and siblings it is a crap shoot. I am lucky my parents, brother and sister in law and my sister are all supportive. My sister-in law on my wife's side is supportive and after Easter I will know how the rest of her family feels about it. We are going to separate Easter dinners for the first time in 33 years and she will disclose to her brothers and wives while I am at my parents.

Good luck and let us know how you faired.

[Jorja]

Coming out to parents is one of the more delicate issues we face as TS. There is no easy way to tell them. Relax, take a deep breath, and just tell them. I deal with a lot of younger TG/TS kids. They have been thrown out of the house because of their issues. I volunteer to take them in until they can come to terms with their parents or they turn 21, whichever comes first. Part of what I try to do is get both parents and children back together. Here is what we work on when telling the parents about them being transgendered. I hope you can find something that will help you in your effort to finally tell your parents.

Your parents will naturally follow the long-established patterns of dealing with you -- saying no, scolding, or threatening punishment. These first reactions could even extend to vowing to cut you out of their will, or threatening to withdraw their love in some way. However, if you are prepared for the worst, then these threats will not work. You are standing on your own feet. No matter what the cost, you will have made a major step toward being in control of your life and yourself. When they realize that they can no longer control your life, they will most often relent and accept you as you are. It may take them a little while to come to terms with the changes in your relationship. Give them all the time they need. Remember that you needed time to be able to gain the courage to confront the issue yourself. Offer them time to think about it. When they are ready and willing to discuss the issue further, be available to do so.

Many parents go through a grieving process for the relationship that they are losing. Your parents may find it very hard to accept the change. They've been used to the old ways longer than you have. They may greet the news with silence, a form of denial, or may simply decline to talk about it any further. On the other hand, your folks may surprise you and be far more receptive and supportive than you expect. There are those rare parents who have built their parent/child relationship on unconditional love (we'll love you no matter what), rather than conditional love (we'll love you if you live up to our expectations).

You should be aware of the possibility that your parents may not be in total control of their own lives or selves. Your parents may fear what the neighbors, relatives, and friends will think of them because of your situation. Your parents may need to build their own self-esteem and take control of their own lives, just as you've had to do with yours.

Keep your options open. Few parents are willing to lose contact with their children, and in time they will come around to accepting the changes in you and the changes in your relationship with them. Remember, change is always difficult, particularly where emotions are involved. It requires giving up familiar ways of doing things. Even if the old ways didn't work and weren't honest, they were comfortable, like an old pair of slippers. You may have a twinge of sadness at throwing away these "old slippers". But the old ways must go, to make way for new ones. Sometimes, the scary part is that you may not know what the new ways of relating to your parents are yet, and since you know the old ways so well, it may feel safer and less risky to keep them but do not lose focus.

Once an open dialogue is started with parents, it is easy to keep it that way. The benefits can be enormous. You can begin to relate to each other as real human beings. You learn new things about each other and you may find a depth of love and feeling that you never knew was there.

Good Luck

[LunaDarling]

thank you everyone for your support, i really appreciate it. Jorja, your words have helped a lot and i am grateful that you took the time to share with me.

[Julie Hall]

I agree that Jorja's advice is well thought out and very sound.

In my case, I'm older and my mother and I have been the closest of friends for many years. She has told me that all she wants is for me to be happy - no matter what direction I might take. She will accept and love me no matter what, I know I am extremely lucky to have her. So a lot will depend on the relationship you have already built with your folks. I wish you the best of luck.

[silverfurret]

I think Jorja put it best

The only thing I woud add is that be aware where you and your family are in your relationship. My mother and I are both survivors of domestic violence and are closely close knit so she has been extremely supportive but my father could be hit or miss; so the benefit of my parents being divorced is that if he can't accept it I won't be affected as I'm not living under his roof. I still haven't told my father yet but I'm not really worried about his reaction. I know this was kind of random but it makes it a bit easier not to have to worry about having a place to stay and focus on writting down what I want to say.

[steph1964]

Kaitlyn Michele sent me this link. http://www.avitale.com/Essaylist.htm.

There is a lot of good information in the essays and I think that it helped my parents accept it when they saw that there was a medical reason why I am this way. My wife and I flew to California and sat them down to tell them. I explaned it as best I could, using information from the essays and they later read the information themselves. They were shocked but supportive and having my wife there helped a lot. They were more upset that my wife and I are separating.

[melissaK]

Luna Sweetie, there is another way. Don't. Stop that counseling and stop thinking you're TS and get back into denial. Lead a miserable unfulfilling life full of regrets and anxiety. Get on some Zanax. Drink a lot every night to numb your anxieties so you can sleep. And before you know it you will have slogged through 30 maybe 40 years of your life and your parents will be old and senile with dementia and won't know your name let alone your gender and you won't have to tell them. (While this is a joke, this is way close to how I led my life, and there's nothing funny about it.).

Seriously though. I didn't exhaustively read everones posts so forgive me if this was said already, but go back and read your OP. You chose to say "I can't" start hormones unless I tell them.
:: pregnant pause of silence::
It would be another thing if you had said "I shouldn't" - that would indicate your concern was mere social courtesy for someone elses feelings. But you said "can't". That's a whole different kettle if fish. Can't implies some part of you is conditioning your action on approval from others. A REAL COMMON issue among us TS.

I suggest you do not tell them or start hormones until you talk more with yourself and your counselor, and become secure enough in yourself, and secure enough in your decision to transition, to not need anyone's external approval.

[LeaP]

There are few reasons that I'm better off with my parents gone. Not having to tell them that I'm transsexual is right at the tippy top of the list.

But I would do it in a heartbeat to have them back.

Don't wait and don't do what 'Lissa and I did. When you do tell them, try to do so more with an attitude of love than fear.

[traci_k]

Luna, Best of luck to you girl! Better to get it sorted out when you are younger than to waste years and wonder what might have been.
Steph - Thanks for the link. Hopefully will be helpful in explaining to a spouse too.
Thanks All!

[Xrys]

My mother is a devout christian and firmly believes that it is a sin to do what i am doing. i have dreaded telling her since i could remember, and the thought of her finding out provided more fule for my anxiety than anything else. it took me a long time to work up the courage to tell her, but i finnaly did. she was not accepting of it and was not supportive of my choice of a "life of sin." but we kept our temqpers in check and kept it at a civilized conversation. i know i cannot change her mind for her, only she can do that and only when she is ready to. until thin, i am going to progress down this road as my meeger finances allow and when she sees the possitive change in my life because of it, i know she will come arround. untill then i will continue to look foreward to the day when my mother loves me for who i am, and not just in spite of who i am. just remember that a storry with a rough begining can still have a happy ending. this sort of change takes time for everybody involved, and some much more than others. be patient and never give up on them, but do not argue with them. be strong and good luck.

[Rianna Humble]

Xrys, I'm sorry to read that your mother's mind is so closed. I join you in hoping that one day she will learn to love you rather than the concept of who she thinks you should be

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Tell them slowly and tell them thats what you are and want to be.

[Andrea J]

Xrys brought up an important point. Some Christians are anti-TS. I can't think why as the bible never mentions TS's. Hopefully you will not have to wade these difficult waters at all if they don't mention it. But just in case they do, if you want to have good replies to Christian anti-TS remarks, you might find this website helpful:

http://www.drbecky.com/lynnmont.html

But of course be tactful how you put over religious points to your parents!

[Rianna Humble]

Please remember that this is not the Religious Discussion forum neither is this thread an excuse to bash any religion, it is about Xrys and how she copes with the reaction of her parents.

Let's stick to the core issues and above all keep it polite.

Rianna Humble
Moderator, Transsexual Forums

[Xrys]

actually, not to be rude, but the thread isn't about me at all, it is about luna wanting advice on coming out to her parents. i was mainly providing first hand experience that i thought would be helpful to her and provide some ballance to the " i just told them and everything turned out fine" parade. i just want her to know that it may not be alright at first but can still end on a good note in time with some patience. it was not my infention to make this about me, and apologise if if that is what happened.

[Rianna Humble]

My mistake, thank you for the correction Xrys