But...but... I'm not a guy...really I'm not!

[Marleena]

This is a thread to see how you've handled coming out to family and friends that might help the new people like myself. I think quite a few of us played the guy role due to pressures or expectations put upon us. Some of us raised kids and are married and that complicates things even further. You might have a high profile job and or community status. The ideal situation of course is to just come out and be yourself.

I won't bore you with my bio again but I will share this. I told my endo I wouldn't be presenting as female in his office since his practice is mainly for couples trying to conceive and I'm not good enough at presenting. I don't want to make them feel more uncomfortable in the waiting room during a stressful time. The endo's response was that it was quite common among the older TS women that are just coming out. He said you've played the man role for 50+ years already. You should've come to me when you were 14. Ummm ...thanks Doc!

P.S. My wife knows and a few friends as well as my doctors. I have the tough ones to tell still.

So you need to tell your family and friends that you really are a woman and realize you have been all along. How the heck can you convince them and make them understand? They've only seen you as a man. I guess I'm asking what approach did you use?

[groove67]

I guess as you i had lived the man life married kids but always new that i was different. I am very passable and after 18 months really have had the body changes that make me more so would have very hard time dressing as a male. At the start came out to wife, kids and work and many friends just felt i had to do this and get on with the life of the woman that i am. For the most part things have gone well wife and i seperated and got the big d as she supports me but wants a man in her life and i understand. I have decided that i lean toward men also and want that to hopefully after srs in november. I just have had a lot of support everwhere guess i am lucky

[arbon]

So you need to tell your family and friends that you really are a woman and realize you have been all along. How the heck can you convince them and make them understand? They've only seen you as a man. I guess I'm asking what approach did you use?

Time. Be persistent, consistent, don't waiver or show doubt, be very confident in who you are and let them see this is your truth. Sometimes people come around quickly, my wife and daughter did. My mom on the other hand, years later, still can't refer to me by my name or use female pronouns - its okay though, patience. But you just have to live true to yourself, and let people see it really is you.

[kellycan27]

I flat out told my mom and dad over dinner when I was 17. It didn't bode we'll. My dad passed before we could resolve things and it took my mother close t 10 years to accept it. Once I was out to my parents.... I didn't care who knew.

[KellyJameson]

In my life everyone assumed I was a gay crossdresser trying to pretend I was straight so there was little I could do that would shock anyone.

Since childhood I have been the "freak" which gives you a certain measure of freedom.

I think those who have managed to live as married men in heterosexual relationships have a difficult time transitioning because you are not used to living outside of society.

I have never lived inside "society" but always on the fringes and I have consciously chosen to live only in cities where this is fairly easy to do such as Los Angeles, San Fran and Seattle and not binded myself to relationships that would "lock" me into performing roles I'm incapable of performing.

You now must aquire in a short time what I have over the years. I would not call it a thick skin per-se because I'm very sensitive to having my feelings hurt.

It is more a refusal to continue living constantly against yourself for other peoples benefit.

I think you have to be comfortable with having your feelings hurt but not allowing that to stop you from living "freely" as that which honors the natural self.

You hear of being imprisioned in the body but part of this prison is built by participating in society as expectations of meeting established gender roles that the transsexual transgresses.

It is not that you were a guy, but a woman pretending to be a guy. It is not so much that you were one and are now becoming another but honoring that which you always have been by no longer accepting that which you are not.

You are not changing from one thing to another but continuing that which stopped when you were "fourteen". Your life as gender was put on "hold"

This is searching for how to express that which has always been inside you and in this expression you will evolve into that which has not been allowed to "become"

This expression should not be "another role" but the selfish desire to be "real" for yourself.

This must be searched for and usually is done during puberty and into the twenties where people try on "life" until they find a comfortable fit.

Explaining to others could trap you in their perceptions of who you are or who you should be and slow that which you were meant to be in the first place.

I think there is a danger to trying to make others understand because you could make their understanding more important than using the last bits of life to live fully.

It is not that you stop loving and respecting others but you live a protective gentleness that flows in all directions that comes out of a loving acceptance and embrace of self.

It is not trying to act like a woman but being that which you are independant of gender that leaves others knowing without a doubt that you are a woman.

They do not see it so much as they "feel" it.

I really worry about the need to "convince" others because this seems like a continuation of the problem but just the otherside of the coin.

The thought of convincing anyone makes me very apprehensive because it puts you on the path of potentially needing to justify that which is fundamentally a very private experience that unfortunately is publicly shared.

It is developing and expressing that which is inside you that has always reminded you why you are not a "guy" because you do not find "yourself" in them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you really just do it...

I used the word transsexual, i didn't say "woman" until later after they understood...it was interesting because i'm first born irish "Son"...i could've murdered babies for sport and my mom would have backed me...so i told her first ...she felt it was something i should keep private, so she really didn't understand...then i brought my sister in, and we had a long night... my sister was angry because she was protecting my mom...my mom was still protecting me but in the end it was hugs all around...

they were both scared to death to talk to my dad... he burst into tears, got up and hugged me, told me he loved me more than ever and he was sorry i ever suffered this...

you never know until you just do it...but thinking it through a bit beforehand can help

[Amy A]

The people that I've come out to haven't questioned it, they've actually made it clear to me that they'd prefer me female and happy than male and how I am now (depressed). You know who you are and if people can't accept it then the fault lies with them and not you. It's just a shame because even though I'm sure we'd all like to be able to just forget about those who can't deal with it, at the end of the day it's still the loss of a friend/family member.

I'm yet to tell my parents; I know when I do they will be upset and very worried about me, but ultimately they'll always be there for me and accept me whether I'm a son or daughter. Right now I just can't face it though!

[Jorja]

How the heck can you convince them and make them understand? They've only seen you as a man. I guess I'm asking what approach did you use?

Marleena, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. In other words, You can tell people that you are a woman but you cannot make them understand it. Once you have come out to them, allow them to see you as the person you really are. Let them see how much better of a person you are. Let them see that smile on your face and that spring in your step. The only way to convince them is to show them by your actions.

[Nicole Erin]

Well here is a truth to coming out - it isn't much work. All you really have to do is the slightest femme thing and people will pry and ask questions. Well say like you show up with ohh, women's tennies or a slightly femme shirt. Do not go overboard, just go enough to get noticed. So it goes like this -

Relative - "Marleena, how come you are wearing a blouse/perfume/femme shoes/whatever?"
Marleena - "Well, I prefer women's things".
Relative - "So you like to dress as a woman?"
Marleena - "Yes".
More questions will ensue and one of them WILL be "Do you want to be a woman?" And then you say yes and take things from there. After that, the whole world will hear about it and start asking you the same questions - are you gay, do you want to be a woman, how long did you know,how long you been doing this, have you ever (dated) men....

See how easy that is? Just try to keep things to the point. SOME TS explain their desire to transition by rambling. "It was 5 billion B.C. The world was just forming..." (5 hours later) "So when I was in first grade, I was 5 cents too short to buy another carton of milk... (5 more hours later) "so on my fourth job after college, I met an old friend who bought a house..."
Man, some TS go into these LONG pointless stories about NOTHING. Keep it short and to the point.

EDIT - keep in mind that as time goes on and they accept or whatever, it is nice but they will still probably know you as "him". That just cannot be changed.

[Amy A]

Man, some TS go into these LONG pointless stories about NOTHING. Keep it short and to the point.

Guilty as charged! :D

[ChelseaErtel]

keep in mind that as time goes on and they accept or whatever, it is nice but they will still probably know you as "him". That just cannot be changed.

I'm with you there Marleena. I'm well known in my community, been active in local politics and have been asked many times to run for office. I prefer to manage local campaigns and serve on boards and commissions. All of my family know, I just told them. Went well. You know my wife has been the biggest problem and oh if I had known at 14 what could be done. Looking back is a killer so I try not to do that.

Jorga, as usual, is exactly right. My plan is after my wife has had time to adjust (that will most likely be asking for divorce, but I have a little hope) I will just tell all my friends that don't know. And those are our mutual friends. I'll tell the Mayor, several council persons, various commissions and other leaders in the community. I will tell them as "a man" because I think coming as me would too shocking. I told my doctors, my violin instructor, and other friends up to now as "a man". I presented as my true self after that and I told them that's what they'd see. I found showing them a photo, if they wanted to see to prepare, helped - or at least they said it did. All were thankful I just didn't show up dressed one day.

Gender is a enormous part of how people identify other people (if not THE biggest). That's why this is such a big deal. That's my two cents.

[Marleena]

Lol@ Nicole.

Thanks for the replies everyone! The picture idea does seem to work well to soften people up. I've used it for doctors, friends, etc., it eliminates the "hear I am" shock factor. The toughest ones left are my kids and family 5 out of 6 will be tough since I know how they think. My son should be okay with it.

I hope the info here helps others.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe it's easier if you're simply a CD, Marleena? Just came out as one to my ex and oldest daughter. No prying questions from either. So far-----

Show them pictures? No, I don't think so!

[Marleena]

Sherry pictures have worked well if anybody questions what you're saying to them as long as it's not a french maid outfit or tutu.:) You want to look like a GG. The goal of a TS woman is to present as and be female 24/7. If they've only ever seen you as a guy just approaching them enfemme will create a WTF moment.

A Cder is a little easier for people to understand as you're not always enfemme and retain a male presence. it's not a permanent condition for most. I'm glad they've accepted you.

[Rogina B]

Just my opinion,but pictures or words when you are standing in front of a person really isn't as powerful as[the same people observing] the action required to live your life in a way that you want for yourself. I don't think that the "late bloomers" have the same clout in a "show and tell session" that they think. After all,way too many years have gone by in the relationship and during that whole time,there was no hint of anything amiss gender identitywise. So,quite a few will most likely view it as a big WTF moment,and only start to take it seriously as one's new life unfolds in front of them...

[vikki2020]

Thanks to all of you that have posted on this subject. This is something I'm struggling with at the moment. I have told a few casual acquaintances, and that has gone well, and was pretty easy. Telling those close to me--family and friends has been more difficult, so far. Actually, haven't tried yet. Any,and all I learn about this step has been helpful!

[Pauline Lauren]

This is an area I have a significant amount of concern about as well. I do have some friends that know what path I am on, but my family and work do not. Thank you for your responses, they have given me something to consider. I have had friends of mine that transitioned that have found it helpful to write a narrative of reasonable length (enough to explain the situation but not a life story) that summarizes their feelings and their plans to transition. They have told me that it helps a lot, and in fact this the approach that my therapist favors. It sounds like a better way to go that to try to make it up on the fly, and I intend to put together such a narrative before I come out to family members.

>>>hugs<<<

[MsMargaret]

So you need to tell your family and friends that you really are a woman and realize you have been all along. How the heck can you convince them and make them understand? They've only seen you as a man. I guess I'm asking what approach did you use?

All I can say is that I sympathize, and that I'd like to know, too. I'm a few months away from 50 and I feel like I really haven't approached becoming who I am supposed to be. I had a few opportunities to explore that, but I squandered because I never felt the drive to do anything with myself. No real passion about anything. Growing up, one of my brothers was a creep towards women who only viewed them sexually, so that held me back from talking to anyone about myself. When I was 21, I had major surgery (for Crohn's Disease), and I got my parents to spring for therapy then, but the child psychologist was ill-equipped to deal with gender issues (it was the 80s). I have a sister who's turned out to be bipolar and is now homeless because we had to sell our parents' home after they died. I almost got married once, but broke it off after three years and a short engagement because I couldn't be honest with her or myself. The honesty was that I felt like I was just going through the motions because "I should", but also that she was a generally hostile person who took her anger out on whoever was near. She wasn't a monster, but I bore the brunt of dissatisfaction with everything because we spent a lot of time together and I don't really speak all that much. I went to therapy then, but I felt so alone that I didn't want to alienate my friends, so again I did nothing.

I would love to know the answers. wouldn't we all?

[Angela Campbell]

I have to face this. Maybe tell them about being treated by a professional who helped you to determine who you really are.

[Marcella Camira]

That is a sad story MsMargaret. Wow ....But I know what you mean about going thru the motions.........because I should!

I am by far no expert. But , I think that the circumstances you are currently in and your personality as person will dictate how you handle any situation that is difficult.

Personally I came out to my wife. Knowing full well she might divorce me after 15 yrs of marriage. Quite frankly I got tired of taking the time to get dressed /makeup etc. and only be able to wear it for a few hours before she came home. I wrote her a 5 page letter explaining every detail to every question she might have. Because my head was spinning and my answers would have been garbled from the nervousness of it all. I just do what I feel. I am truly messed up. I like being guy on the outside world. Being aggressive, being me, being wild and crazy. At home I like being feminine. Right now I like being 50-50. I don't wanna b girl 24/7. I got enough crap going in reverse. Besides it way too much work. LOL. Maybe someday I will. I think probably my biggest thing is the parents. Once they are gone. I could careless what anybody else thinks.
Its not like they are all beating down the door to ask me over beer and bar b Q.
Whatever , I quit rambling now.

[arbon]

One thing I know is I am sure glad I never have to do it again. It was a pretty scary and hard thing to do.

[Angela Campbell]

I am thinking about this a lot as to how to come out to my Mother. She is old school, and almost 80 now and these kind of things are foreign to her. Her sister has two children who are both Doctors. I plan on talking to one of them soon and asking her to help me to educate both her mother and my Mother about this. I think if I have an actual Doctor telling them information it might go a long way to help them understand.

Its going to break her heart.

[Rianna Humble]

When I needed to tell my (then) 88 year old father, someone suggested I use How to tell your partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner) as part of my preparation. I found it very helpful. I also stressed to my father that there was nothing that he could have done differently to prevent the dysphoria.

[Marleena]

Rianna thanks for the link. Here's another link that might help others too: http://www.tsroadmap.com/mental/comeout.html

and here too:http://www.hrc.org/issues/pages/transgender