The Walking Pharmacy

[Anne2345]

Every day of the week, seven days a week, 365 days a year, I take a hand full of different drugs to help me get through my day and make me a better person. To name a few, I take estradiol, spiro, cymbalta (an AD), and temazepam (to “quiet” my mind at bedtime so I can actually fall asleep).

But the thing is, it’s not that my body isn’t healthy, because my body is actually quite healthy. In fact, my body is strong and in good shape. My muscles are honed, my reflexes sharp, and my senses keen. I am not overweight, I eat well, and I exercise regularly.

So why do I sometimes feel like I am a walking pharmacy? Why do I need to take this, that, and the other thing every day?

I suppose, based upon how I used to feel, presumably I take such things so I do not lose my f’ing mind, go insane, and do something really and totally stupid and off the cuff such as kill myself. I suppose I also take these things to help bring myself closer in line to who I really am.

Still, it sometimes seems crazy that I need to do all this crap simply to keep it real and keep it going, especially when my body is otherwise healthy.

I mean wtf??!! I don’t feel all crazy and out of control anymore. I don’t feel the same intensity, chaos, pain, and despair I did before. And really, it seems kind of hard now to even believe that I felt such things to the degree that I did, but for that I can actually go back and read my earlier posts on this forum.

But was that really me??! Really, truly me??!! Was that how I really was? Because that person, that person that wrote about those things, was one really f’ed up person that was completely spiraling out of control and in a world of pain and agony. That couldn’t have been me, though, right? Could it??!

Regardless, even if that was me, I don’t feel that way anymore.

So what happens if I just give up the pharmacy and flush all my pills down the toilet? Do I fall back into the darkness again? Does my life fall back apart again? Does chaos again cloud my soul, overtake my being, and reign supreme?

Don’t worry, I am not about to go down that road.

I am curious, though. In this regard, I do sometimes wonder about all the pills, and what I am doing through pharmacology. Sometimes I also wonder if any of this will ever work itself out. I even sometimes wonder if I will ever stop wondering about all of this, and just be.

Will it ever be any different? Or is this just the way it's gotta be?

[sandra-leigh]

I stopped taking anti-depressants a number of times, getting away from the side-effects, and testing to see if they were really making any difference. It was not uncommon for me to find that a particular anti-depressant did not seem to be doing me any good any more. The last time I stopped like that, I went about 8 or so months, the first part of which there seemed to be no difference, but the last part of which I realized that I was slowly going down-hill.

Stopping anti-androgens made some difference early on. I went through a period of increased sexual awareness for about a week-ish. It went away after that, and apparently my T levels are maintaining low "considering" (3.9 where high end of normal female is 2.4 and low end of normal male is 8-something.) Mostly for that I notice my body hair slowly regrowing, and my breasts shrinking (agggh!)

I used to go through a month or 6 weeks without estradiol, for logistics reasons. I didn't notice anything in particular during that time.

[Nicole Erin]

Ehh don't let the quacks get you hooked on a bunch of stupid meds that do more harm than good.
Anytime someone isn't "perfect", the docs want to diagnose and give pills. Used to be just grown-ups but now they are plaguing children with meds.
You go into any doc's office and there are ads for some stupid happy pills and it shows happy people walking in the park. What it doesn't show is how people get hooked and those meds are a cash cow for docs and pharm companies.

Here is the main thing one needs to live a sane life - quit associating with negative people who bring you down and learn to live more modest so you are not burdened with too much responsibility.

Not sure if it's too late or not but I say also stay away from being married and don't have kids. Those two situations just bring out ALL KINDS of problems that take on lives of their own.

Just wean yourself off the meds (cept for HRT) cause what happens when you get immune to whatever AD or sleep pills?

[stefan37]

I was taking anti-anxiety meds, alcohol and other substances to keep my anxiety at bay. I gave them all up so my decsition to transition was made with a clear head. 2 days after starting estradiol, my anxiety melted away and I not taken or had the urge to take other substances except for my hrt meds and crestor for my cholesterol. I have been completely sober for 14 months now. I swim 3600 yds weekly and at 56 have never been in better shape mentally and physically as now.

The decision to stop fighting myself and transition has been without a doubt the best I have made. I have so much positive energy and events it is scary at times. My lust for life and my business is at an all time high.I look forward to my 6am electro sessions twice a week, and my lap time in the pool 5:30am 3 times a week.

[Megan Thomas]

It's just the way life turns out. There's many out there taking far more medication than yourself, often for life threatening conditions. I am of the opinion we should always elect for fewer pills when possible though.

[Kathryn Martin]

I am curious, though. In this regard, I do sometimes wonder about all the pills, and what I am doing through pharmacology. Sometimes I also wonder if any of this will ever work itself out. I even sometimes wonder if I will ever stop wondering about all of this, and just be.

Will it ever be any different? Or is this just the way it's gotta be?

I take estrogen, progesterone 30 months now and some blood pressure medication for decades before.

I suffered from estrogen deficiency since my late teens (so characterized by my MD). To live a normal life I need medication.

[Sharon]

I take estrogen and an anti-androgen daily as well an anti-depressant, the latter which which needs to be regularly changed and dosage adjusted. I also take medicine on many days to ward off or lessen migraines. And then I take vitamin supplements -- a multivitamin, vitamins C and D (both in winter only), fish oil, and an assortment of B's when necessary.
I'm not only a walking pharmacy, but my stomach tinkles when I walk. :)

[melissaK]

HRT: yep, its for life. It has changed me, I like myself so much more. (But actually telling people who I am is better still.)

Rx: also for me, hair loss reversal drugs for life.

I'd prefer a different way, but am happy I live in the era I do, at least compared to the past, I think.

[josee]

Anne, please don't stop taking your AD meds without first talking to your doctor. We don't want to go back into the darkness. I know it seems like a lot sometimes, I take estradiol, a progesterone and spiro plus Prozac and a blood pressure med. Some times it seems like too much. Just remember how much better life is taking them as opposed to when you did not. We don't wanna go there again. :hugs:

[Andy66]

Anne, it sounds like overall youre starting to feel a little better, but theres room for even more improvement... Would that be an accurate thing to say? Im happy for you, and wish the best, so that you may continue to choose your path wisely and be happy. :hugs:

[LeaP]

Think of it as connecting to the world. Until I started ADs, I took NOTHING. People would ask when I filled out forms. "You didn't put down your medications." "I don't take any." "You don't take ANY? EVERYONE takes SOMETHING." "No, nothing." "Wow ..."

Now it's the pharmacy for me, too. Just like the rest of modern humanity! Now we'll last long enough to spend 10-20 years in a nursing home some day!

[Krististeph]

Regarding the psyche meds:

These drugs have done a lot of good for a lot of people. But in my opinion, most people should not expect them to be a solution, but rather a temporary assist. Like a crutch. The idea is to ease the leg so it can heal. Unfortunately, many people are not able to change things enough to allow that healing, and have to rely on the meds to feel better for longer than might be the best, in their particular situation. There is no hard and fast answer. Personally, i feel much better on certain social anxiety reducers, I feel like 'the real me'- how i want to be. But that does not mean, to me, that i should stay on a drug.

But the BIG THING HERE, is not to strat changing psyche mends willy nilly. Give it a good week before you decide to make a change, unless the situation is truly untenable, and at that point- tell your doctor! Really, even if you know they are just going to yell at you- they should know what you are doing med wise- you do not need an appointment- but do make a phone call. and follow up in 7 days or as directed- this helps you stay centered, believe it or not, it make not alleviate the side effects of changing meds, but it will help more than hurt. And if possible have someone to talk to about it regularly too-

Remember- the chemical balance cycles in the brain have many different rates- minutes to weeks- so make slow changes and pay attention to what happens, as if you were landing a huge 747- no big control inputs! :-)

Regarding vitamins and other meds and supplements: Even if you never took a pill, you are already a walking chemistry lab from all the waste chemicals in our society- drinking water has traces of birth control meds, psyche meds, even chemotherapy drugs. This is scary, the concentration is what makes the drug, Anne, just like the big deal with Linus Pauling and his vitamin C-- No I admit to occasionally poisoning myself to a degree 0.1-0.12% blood alcohol level, and i'm never shy of taking the best hangover prevention ever- 2 advil and as much water as you can drink without barfing... but i sometimes feel wierd about taking milk thistle, an herb that can help protect the liver from some of the excesses of alcohol.

Strange logic, or, rather, lack of logic. I know.

Regarding Lea's comment on listing drugs one takes- I have pretty much stopped listing them, because too many people (non physicians) will start telling me what I am doing wrong, or look for a drug to blame a problem on, rather than doing their assigned task in the health care system. But with the Doctor, I tell my bad habits- he or she has a right to know what might be affecting a certain condition.

But the biggest thing is going out and doing serious exercise for long periods, as much as possible according your your cardio health. My 70 year old brother walks 3-5 miles 5 days a week, he is healthier now than in his 50s.

I've always exercised, people often mistake me fo being 10-20 years younger than my near 50. That's what helps keep you young- exercise, and moderation in heavy foods and body altering drugs. Not avoidance, that is not practical, nor should it be, IMHO. But judicious use, and that includes occasional indulgence, and regular exercise, lets me do 24 hour time trials, 40 hour workdays (with appropriate rest at the end, of course) and maintain a decent (if not svelte) weight. It also helps a LOT with those other anxiety problems- not a solution, but allows me to handle them better.

Yeah, my bag has OTC meds and i use them regularly as needed, some co-workers call me 'mr pharmacy'.... but not when they need an Advil or decongestant. So I guess my opinion is yeah, it's good to be mindful of what you take, but also to manage your helath as needed.

hang in there sweetie, we are pulling for you here, you know!

-Kristi

[Aprilrain]

I'm a firm believer in better living through modern chemistry!

I tried to quit taking ADs...it was a mistake. Oh well live and learn.

[sandra-leigh]

Anti-depressants can be used non-permanently for (for lack of better term) "emotional depression" -- situational causes subject to change or that can be handled (in time) through mental reframing. I understand that a fair portion of the population in Canada and USA go through this at some point in their life.

However, a portion of the population has depression for biochemical reasons. In some people, anti-depressants can support functioning long enough to give the body a chance to rebuild the broken parts, after which the anti-depressant is no longer needed. In other people, the biochemical problem has no known permanent cure.

I suspect I am one of the people whose biochemical problems have no known permanent cure; but still how long I can keep going without anti-depressants at any one time can be situational. For me, the evidence is suggestive that part of the biochemical problem is involved in brain-center-level gender struggles, so transitioning to non-male was part of the solution. It is, however, far from clear that for me, transitioning to fully female would resolve the biochemistry problems completely (depression runs in my mother's family.)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

people who do not have the biochemical issues and then get off the meds just love to poopoo the meds...

its not like a cast on a bone, or a cure for anything... sometimes your biochemical problems are very light, and with experience you can learn to deal with them..but the rest of us are simply blessed by modern medicine that helps brain chemistry get settled..