CD'ing(for me) could be a product of not having a girlfriend?

[Tiffbear]

I read something interesting today, someone online had asked about getting aroused from CD'ing, and if it was technically classified as a fetish. The reply said, yes, it is since you're getting sexually aroused by it. They went on to explain that men who CD do it because they aren't getting their physical needs met by having a woman in their life. By dressing up as a woman, they are fulfilling their mental needs and wants for a woman by dressing up as one. But, for the people who have been doing it for a while, they don't get aroused anymore because it isn't something new and sexually exciting anymore.

I think this is what could be happening with me. I don't go out much, and I get laid even less. But, when I do have intimate encounters(sexual, etc...) with women, I don't feel the urge to CD for quite a while after that. Similar thing happens when I masturbate, I feel I want to CD, 'bate, then I don't want to dress anymore(at least for the time being).

Does this happen to anyone? Normal thoughts? I feel I might be more productive if I just go out and find a girlfriend, instead of spending time, effort, and money on looking like a girl.

These thoughts have led me to purge my "stash" several times too.

[Abbygirl]

I am similar to you. When it's "been awhile" and I'm feeling more worked up, that's when the CD urge is strongest. And, the CD urge is weakest just after a release. Never made me want to purge, though!

[Alice Torn]

I have never had a steady girlfriend, except for about one year with a long distance friendship. I have never had sex before, with a person. Surely, much of my cding is the lack of feminine beqauty and touch, and i know that a big part of why i do it, is too experience female dress and beauty, me in the mirror, as a beautiful sexy woman.

[Cassie Weber]

Obviously YMMV (your mileage may vary), but I used to feel that way also.

I got married a while ago, and the dressing feelings abated for a little bit, but then came back again.

Good luck in your search, but don't hope for permanent change.

[NurseSamGG]

This is something I've never contemplated before and to be honest it is somewhat worrisome to me. I really like to think that I'm fulfilling all of my BF needs. Sometimes yes when she CDs it leads to other things in the bedroom what have you but not everytime.
I guess I fear, after reading this thread, that in some way he finds me inadequate? But I think wouldn't that mean that every other woman he has been with was inadequate too? I'm just very confused that a generalization can be made that men who are sexually stimulated by CDing are not satisfied with the women in there lives. It makes it almost sound like then that all men who CD are sexually frustrated, which really can't be true...right? Need your help here ladies with sorting this out for me please.

Xoxo.....Sam

[Maria 60]

I don't know about that, I was 17 when I meet my wife and we were sexually active and for some reason it didn't matter how much sex or how much masturbation all it took was she would dress a certain way or I would see a women dressed a certain way on the streets and the urge was there. It is like they are two different beast and all I know is it's in my blood and maybe some days are better then others but when the urge hits there's no stopping it. Threw this site I realized that crossdressing is like a fingerprint we are all the same but we all dress for different reasons. I am not going to lie to you there are time when I am satisfied sexually my urges are less and then there are times when it makes me dress more. If you figure it out let me know so we can both be happier. In the mean time lets just enjoy it.

[GeminaRenee]

I don't think that's necessarily the case. There's been many times in my life where I was romantically or physically fulfilled by a woman, and still wanted to dress. At one point, I had an enthusiastic SO, and I went on a torrid binge of dressing and shopping, and sharing it all with her. After a long while, the urge to dress dissipated a bit, but that was more because I had reached my saturation point. The dam had burst, and all the water in the lake had run out. Other times, I've been dating women that were not aware or accepting, but still found some time to get girly all the same.

On the other hand, when I do date someone who does not know, it can make the dressing more infrequent, what with all the the hiding and the polish removing and such. It can get to be kind of a chore to go from one mode to the other. And conversely, when I'm not seeing anyone, I'm more inclined to dress because I have much more free time and no-one to answer to. But the ebb and flow of dressing in this sense isn't because I am or am not with someone - it's just a simple matter of having more time in which to dress.

[Rachelakld]

I first dressed aged 4 (not sexual at that age).
In my teens, even though I liked my playboy poster, I had no desire to be anywhere near a womens private parts, but I still dressed and masturbated while looking at the girls (closed leg photos only in the early 80's here).
While the urge to dress disappeared after release, and build again within a few days, I used maturbation a a way to control my urges.
Now I'm happily married and my sub-personality has her own life, I can crossdress before, during and after sex, or not, without any issues.
If I don't crossdress, my girl side gets very unhappy within a week and she makes my man-side grumpy even after a daily dose of sex.

[MissTee]

NurseSam, please don't think you're somehow inadequate. I've been at this for decades and in the early years it was indeed a libido thing. Guys just have big libidos when they are young and everything is a turn on. As I've matured in my CD side I've realized it's not about sex. I just need to be fulfilled emotionally and spend time in and out of drab. Likewise, dressing relieves stress in a way nothing else can. My wife gets this and all my affection is for her. Matter of fact, I love her more (if that's possible) because she understands.

You're a real blessing to your spouse. I find it very admirable that you seek to understand. Hope he sees that and I hope my thoughts help, too, sweetie.

[Jenniferathome]

I don't buy it. You're a cross dresser who happens to not have a mate at this time. Cross dressing does not substitute for an actual woman. And, of course, when you have a mate your cross dressing desire falls off as you get to know this new person. If you had the same mate for several months, you'd find your cross dressing desires coming back to the fore.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Originally, I got into this because of a fetish, it's still there, somewhat. Since I told my GF, the fetish aspect has diminished, but I actually spend more time dressed. Being able to put on a skirt and stockings, and just relax in my GF's company...I don't feel like a woman, I don't want to feel like a woman, but being able to do this makes it easier for me to be more gentle, softer, you could say more feminine, but I don't think this is something men should avoid.

[AllyCDTV]

My sex drive is pretty high and could easily do at least one orgasm every day. If I am making love to my wife, I need to do it right and unfortunately neither of us has the time to put aside an hour and a half every day. Most of the time it's easier for me to just masturbate. Usually once a week I have enough alone time that I can crossdress and for me crossdressing is purely sexual so that accounts for one masturbation session. And Tiffbear, as with you, once I orgasm, all interest in crossdressing is gone. Do what ever it take to find a girlfriend. Crossdressing is no substitute.

NurseSam, don't ever assume you are inadequate. Every time I make love to my wife I sit there afterwards wondering why I ever bother with crossdressing because the thrill I get from it is nothing compared to being with my wife. It's just something different and available to me at the moment.

[PaulaQ]

I guess I fear, after reading this thread, that in some way he finds me inadequate? But I think wouldn't that mean that every other woman he has been with was inadequate too?

Dearest Sam,

Your avatar photo shows that you are really a beautiful woman. There is no possibilty you are inadequate in any way shape or form. You are gorgeous darling!


I'm just very confused that a generalization can be made that men who are sexually stimulated by CDing are not satisfied with the women in there lives. It makes it almost sound like then that all men who CD are sexually frustrated, which really can't be true...right?

No, that isn't true. A couple of things to think about:
1. It is not uncommon for people in a relationship that have an otherwise healthy sex life together to sometimes masturbate. Sometimes, your partner just isn't there, either physically, or in the mood. Men do this, women do this - it's normal. If this doesn't get in the way of your normal sex life, it's a total non-issue, and doesn't say much except that once in a while, one of you is in the mood when the other one isn't.

2. Although many of us find CDing to be extremely erotic, this doesn't mean that we aren't satisfied with the woman in our lives. I know when people say "it's not you - it's me", they generally really mean "OMG, it's soooo you!", but in this case, it really literally is something within the CDer - it's not you.

TLDR: You are fine, hon.

[Wildaboutheels]

It's a nice DREAM to think that when we have a SO, whether married to them or not, that we will get all the "lovin" that we want and won't ever need to literally "take matters into out own hands".

But the REALITY is that for myself and obviously many other guys - in fact, almost everyone I have ever talked to - things never work out that way. Heck, today... more and more women are claiming THEY don't get enough. This is NOT going to change anytime soon - men wanting/needing it far more often than most women. There are far too many perectly logical and pertinent reasons for this seeming discrepancy to go into...

MAYBE the lovemaking/sex with their partner is ALWAYS great /fantastic/fulfilling... but the GG simply does not need it as often or as much? Being born a man almost virtually guarantees because of our VISION that almost anything can light our fuse, especially the younger we are... Not easy to UNlight a fuse regardless of age IMO.

The simple "solution" to this "discrepancy" all too often thrown out is to compromise. Yeah...right. I wonder how many guys have worked out a compromise with their SOs to have sex more often and lived happily ever after? The simplest solution [and probably the most common] is just to 'handle it" yourself for either partner who is unsatisfied.

For men, porn, magazines or women's clothing items can all serve the same purpose as an aid to "get there". Porn IS a multi billion dollar business and I seriously doubt if GGs even contribute 10%? I think that GGs who realize how men's VISION works realize that whatever "aid/s" a man uses, don't necessarily mean the man is necessarily trying to make up for some shortfall on their part. SOME GGs are very visual also and I think they are probably the ones most understanding and/or accepting.

Is CDing a substitute for having a SO?

Hardly. But finding/having a SO is not nearly so easy as the plehora of Dating sites would make it seem. So, CDing can "substitute"in a manner for the companionship of a real GG. Not an ideal situation or "solution" but one
that many of us here utilize.

My guess is that a "great many" regular guys "utilize" just a few women's clothing items at least sometime and I seriously doubt if many of them feel guity in any way, shape or form. The [apparent] anonymity of the Internet has probably made CDing far more prevalent with the ability to buy stuff without any risk of being caught. I think it is far simpler and easier to just buy the stuff in stores though and KNOW it will fit.

I think one of the few things that almost everyone here would agree on, is that the ONLY people that purging helps are the Retailers.

[Naomi Newman]

I don't buy it. You're a cross dresser who happens to not have a mate at this time. Cross dressing does not substitute for an actual woman. And, of course, when you have a mate your cross dressing desire falls off as you get to know this new person. If you had the same mate for several months, you'd find your cross dressing desires coming back to the fore.

i completely agree with this, it doesnt go away, and as for a girlfriend, i have 2 beautiful children, and a loving partner who works very hard, being a cross dresser isnt a state of mind its what makes us who we are, not what we want to be, ive been doing this since i was 13 years old or so, i am now 33, it doesnt go away because of sexual relations, or just company, if you embrace it it can help you become a more loving person towards your partner i feel, and maybe then you might find the person you are wanting to be or looking for. also i dont feel that being a cross dresser is something that satisfys me sexually eithor, it doesnt arrouse me, if pleases me inside that i enjoy the feeling it gives by making me look and feel nice about myself

[Beverley Sims]

First, do not purge your stash every time you take up a female relationship.
Second enjoy the female relationship while you can and when you move on.
The urge to dress will return and you can get your stash out again.
Now read this post again and repeat the process until you find some girl who is interested in your quaint hobby.
When this happens, you may ask for more advice.

[Megan70]

Absolutely correct on all fronts, been there done it , and its passe. Don't really enjoy sex anymore , too old and low T's and even satisfying myself is boring and too hard to do....It doesn't work, plumbing stopped.(E.D.) So with me I get the inward mental satisfaction of dressing up and looking feminine and going out and playing the role of a woman, because it makes me a whole lot happier than looking at one ugly man in the mirror. Its a replacement that I create.

[EllieOPKS]

Nurse Sam, Ally is right on the mark. You are not inadequate in any way. Being sexually stimulated by different things is not a bad thing, after all, variety is the spice of life, right? If you enjoyed reading some sexy novel and wanted sex afterwards, it would not be weird. Some things like cross dressing are a major turn on for guys in the same manner. Relax and enjoy the fun.

For the OP Tiffbear, you are as normal as it gets. You could take a poll of men, both straight and gay and I would guarantee you that any of them would say that what ever sexual stimulus was used, there is little or no desire for it immediately after release and for for a period thereafter.

[Karren H]

It's probably an accurate statement that at the age of 7 I wasn't getting laid enough? So technically that must be the reason? lol

[~Joanne~]

I am sure, for some girls, that not having a GF may lead into dressing, but that never was the case for me. Maybe more like, she didn't/doesn't dress as nicely as I would like may be a more accurate statement. When my SO and I were a few years younger (not saying how many ;) ) she use to say to me " If you like pantyhose so much, you wear them" then I started wearing them lol Not saying this lead to cding as that has always been a part of me since around 10 but it was a start to testing the waters.

Dressing being a sexual turn on, I think, is probably common when a lot of us start. It does fade away with time though. If you still dress after the turn on phase then Your probably a full CD. If not then it was probably a kinky fetish that outlasted it's usefulness.

Sam, I wish I had the answers your looking for hon but the only one that knows the answer to your questions is your SO. We can speculate but those aren't answers as we really don't know. Sit down and have a talk with your SO, ask direct questions and if s/he says your adequate to everything she needs in life, then accept that answer and let it go. We really have no solid answers as to "why" we do this or have this need. From what I have read from you, your a great person and very stunning, I wouldn't see why you would be inadequate but every person has their own needs and they vary from person to person as I am sure you have your own needs :).

[danielletorresani]

For me, it definitely started out of my curiosity about women. I wasn't the ladies' man when I was a kid, so I never had a girlfriend. I guess dressing up in dressed and lingerie was the closest I thought I could get to them.

[Stephanie47]

I think that analysis is another one of those "one size fits all" reasons. Usually, it seems a youngster who has raging hormones ends up in some capacity indulging in self gratification.

This weekend I was reading that boys and girls until they enter school and experience sterotypical behavior engage in activities in gender neutral. Boys will play dress up as princesses and play with dolls. Girls will do the same. Part of the article centered around the introduction of "Easy Bake Ovens" in gender neutral colors for boys, and, sales of Lego sets to girls are up 30%.

I would conjecture your decrease interest in cross dressing when 'scoring' is over compensation for your perceived 'unnatural" urges to dress as a female. Score with girls and you're "cured." NOT!

What "Cured" me for two years, when I had absolutely no interest in cross dressing, was being in the infantry. Not being homosexual/gay and not having any access to women or print/video media of women made sex as far away as possible. I guess if I stayed out in the boonies for my entire life I would have been "cured."

BTW, my wife thought she may have been sexually inadequate for me, but, hell, she was/is one sexy woman. If anything all those sexy lingerie items did more to stimulate my cross dressing desires than curtail them!

[Lorileah]

Technically... a fetish would require you to dress to get aroused but we use the term loosely here for people who do use dressing to get aroused.

OK, that said, I don't know where you read that but I, like so many here, don't buy it. Most here have been in or are in relationships with women and the dressing does not (didn't) go away. I also don't buy the "a man NEEDS to have sex" argument. It is a falsehood that has perpetuated many bad things in the world. A man needs to eat, keep hydrated and breathe basically.

[Annette Todd]

This is something I've never contemplated before and to be honest it is somewhat worrisome to me. I really like to think that I'm fulfilling all of my BF needs. Sometimes yes when she CDs it leads to other things in the bedroom what have you but not everytime.
I guess I fear, after reading this thread, that in some way he finds me inadequate? But I think wouldn't that mean that every other woman he has been with was inadequate too? I'm just very confused that a generalization can be made that men who are sexually stimulated by CDing are not satisfied with the women in there lives. It makes it almost sound like then that all men who CD are sexually frustrated, which really can't be true...right? Need your help here ladies with sorting this out for me please.

Xoxo.....Sam

Sam,
I understand the question you may have but it is not easy to generalize an answer since the reasons for cross dressing are just as varied as the individual. I would say though that is only a question that you are really the only one who is able to answer it. If your relationship is good I would say then you should not fear being inadequate to satisfy your BF. I can also say that IMHO My desire for crossing does not and would not be a reflection on the woman I loved. For me my dressing as an expression of myself and the feminine side of my personality which is probably more dominant than my male self. Not all CDs dress for sexual stimulation. While it is true that there is a certain feeling of excitement or satisfaction in CD, not all are doing it for that reason.
I think you should be lauded for your willingness to accept your BF for who he is and in the manner he presents. There are some GGs who do not feel comfortable allowing a female presentation to have any role in their intimate relationship. You are great to be concerned and interested in your SO. I would not worry that you are not adequate if the other aspects of your relationship are good. If your relationship in the most important aspect is good, you will be bringing you closer emotionally. That can only be a good thing.

We all could only hope for your kind of caring.

Cheers

Annette

[AllieSF]

Well, I never crossdressed until late 2006 and early 2007, and that was from zero interest and knowledge of this phenomenon. My reason for starting, and not my reason for continuing, is definitely the result of my having prostate cancer and having my prostate removed. From that procedure I was left incontinent and impotent. Being single at the time and having dated before and after the operation, a relationship and intimacy was important to me and something that I had when I was dating. However, during the post-op period I realized that was not the "man" that I used to be and could not successfully satisfy my partner nor myself at the same time. Thus, my crossdressing evolved at that moment as a means of meeting my sexual needs and not, as recognized by me, a need to dress as a woman. That very short sexual period was quickly and completely replaced by my true enjoyment of dressing as a woman and going out in the real world.

So, as others have said, it does have a temporary replacement/substitution value for some of us.

[NurseSamGG]

Thank you so much all you wonderful ladies for the thread posts and PMs about my concern.I definitely feel a lot better after reading them all. I did also discuss with my BF last night kind of shocked him he said "alright where is all of this coming from" I showed him the post and he basically said no that's not how he felt and assured me that I meet all of his needs. So after that conversation with him and reading what everyone else had to say I feel much better and I'm no longer questioning if he thinks I'm inadequate.
I've told other ladies before that I think at times so much effort and worry is put into finding a reason for CDing. When sometimes things just are what they are no rhyme no reason. Humans are all very unique but those differences make us all very exciting, beautiful and colorful in our own ways.

Thanks again you all have been great. :hugs:

Xoxo.......Sam

[Annette Todd]

You are a beautiful woman, Sam. You make him very happy I am sure.

Annette

[Tiffbear]

Thanks for the responses. Pretty much what I expected to be honest. I realize the blanket statement isn't correct for everyone, or even myself. I was curious on what everyone's thoughts were.

Just in the past month and a half or so I've accepted that I like to CD, and that's fine with me, I'm still curious on what makes us tick the way we do. It's all still very new to me.

And honestly, I'm still afraid of it all. Silly, but, just like anything you dive into 100%, it takes a while to get used to.


First, do not purge your stash every time you take up a female relationship.
Second enjoy the female relationship while you can and when you move on.
The urge to dress will return and you can get your stash out again.
Now read this post again and repeat the process until you find some girl who is interested in your quaint hobby.
When this happens, you may ask for more advice.

I've learned my lesson about the whole purging thing, and now realize how dumb it is. And I don't like secrets, so, when a girlfriend does find my stash(which probably won't be hidden), I'm pretty sure I will have no issue with explaining it to her, and showing her the door if she doesn't agree with it. I don't have time in my life anymore to play games like that.

I know it isn't going away, which is why I'm embracing it. I do like to keep it exciting, and making it a treat to get fully made up and go out. It's been fun so far!

[AllyCDTV]

. . . I think at times so much effort and worry is put into finding a reason for CDing. When sometimes things just are what they are no rhyme no reason.
Thanks again you all have been great. :hugs:
Xoxo.......Sam

Are you kidding? If we stopped putting so much effort and worry into finding the reason why we CD, the amount of threads on this site would be cut by 30%. Fortunately we would still be able to put effort and worry into whether to tell the SO and if crossdressing makes us gay.:rofl:

[katlee]

I have a gf and she is not as girly as my feminine side. I think a part of us wants to have everything in a female counterpart. I know that I project a lot of my desires onto my female side, to the point of that Kat is a bit of nympho :-P. I enjoy the fantasy side for a bit, but once I hit the big o, it passes. Do I wish my GF was more girly or what? Nope, I love her the way she is!

[PaulaQ]

@tiffbear

There are theories of transgender that suggest for non-homosexual TS people, that we eroticize or fail in love with an idealized image of ourselves as women. Almost literally like Narcissus in the Greek myth.

So perhaps that is what is happening to you, since you are alone right now. You are falling in love with yourself.

I'm kidding of course, ask almost anyone here, we hate these theories!

I think 'why' isn't a very useful question at the moment. Suppose you had an answer? What would you do with that knowledge that you aren't doing now?

[SandraInHose]

To the OP...

I didn't date much in high school, and dressed around the house whenever I had the chance. At the time I also had similar thoughts...that my lack of a steady GF caused me to CD. Fast forward a few years...I dated a TON in my early 20's and noticed that my CDing would wane for the first few weeks of a relationship but soon came back as strong as ever.

Then when I got married, I purged everything I had, because I KNEW that my love and desire for my beautiful wife would make me never want to CD again. Well, guess who was wrong again. I don't remember how long it was, maybe 5-6 months? and I was slipping on her pantyhose, aerobic tights and leotards when home alone. The next thing you know I had acquired a whole new wardrobe, modest as it was, but it was still my stash. The lack of a woman didn't cause it, and the availability of one doesn't make it go away!

[sometimes_miss]

A few thoughts.

There's something missing here, and it's really no surprise. For a guy, our sexual drive is so strong that it simply overwhelms everything else, usually to the point that we don't notice ANYTHING else.

Crossdressing can fulfil other of our needs, and only each individual can know exactly what is going on within their own minds.

I discovered that physical affection, just touch, caressing, holding the other person, was the 'kicker' that drove my desire to crossdress. Psychologists learned of the importance of this basic need in people many decades ago, yet it is still ignored nearly 100% of the time! Everything focuses on sex or something else. Very, very few want to address the need for affection. So it often is presented as if it's only something a baby needs, or what a woman wants in her life. And because it's not 'manly', men prefer to ignore that it exists, like it's just another unimportant 'feeling' that we shouldn't have to address.
But we do, because it's always there. And you won't know it until you accept the need for it.

Ever go on a one night stand dating spree? Go out, take her home, have sex, leave, then repeat the same thing the very next day because you think you're just horny again, because you feel like something's 'missing'? Well, that's the 'affection deficit'. You don't know it's missing because you don't know you need it. It's simply the lack of sufficient physical contact with another person. Sometimes we get barely enough when we're having sex with someone, but usually, not. Which is why we repeat the whole process over and over, never seemingly happy with the amount of sex we're getting, because that's not what we're missing.

It's the same feeling you get when you're horny and masturbate, but then after orgasm there still feels like there's something missing, but you don't know exactly what.

For me, crossdressing is like that bell is for Pavlov's dogs: It's what signals to me that I'm going to receive affection from someone. Even though the complete ritual of it ended over forty years ago, the feelings still work the same way. The expectation is still there, even if the conclusion is not, which is why I so often wind up falling asleep while dressed as a girl, because the last steps no longer ever occur.

[kimdl93]

If regular sex were an antidote to CDing , I would have stopped dressing a long time ago. It's not uncommon for a CDr to have lulls in dressing activity, sometimes associated with the blooming of a new relationship or other demands of life. But most of us are drawn back to dressing, not for sexual fulfillment, but because of a need to express a feminine side.

[tall2826]

I've read something like this before and I think there is some truth to it but the cross dressing will always be their in my opinion. In my teen years the urges were the strongest and this was about the time I first heard of this and I honestly though a relationship would end the urges. Even though I never had a GF I think the urge will always be there but not as strong but the "need" to dress up will force some action to take place.

[Danielle001]

This was my thought back in my early years of CDing. I didn't have very many girlfriends throughout high school and college. I always thought that "Once I get a girlfriend I won't need to crossdress anymore". I soon found out that this was not at all true. When I first started dating my wife in my early 20's, when we moved in together I was convinced that I didn't need to CD anymore, so I got rid of all my girl clothes. The urges soon returned, and I found myself borrowing her things. And then I eventually found myself shopping for girl things again (especially items of hers that I couldn't fit into...like shoes). Before I knew it, I had a whole new collection of things hidden away.

Now married and in my early 30s, I've come to accept the fact that I am a crossdresser and there is no use surpressing those feelings. My need to crossdress was the same when I was single, as it is when I'm married to my wife. It has nothing to do with her not pleasing me, because she does. She is wonderful and I love her.