Careful who you tell

[FelicityMay]

When I first decided that I am officially a cross dresser, I had such a great feeling about it, that i wanted to tell some close friends.

Unfortunately, none of my friends have been the least amount of supportive, and all of them seem to feel uncomfortable around me now!

One of my close friends ended up telling my parents about it too, who were also not very happy with the idea of me dressing like a girl.

All I really want is a friend that will not only be supportive, but encourage me to do what I love. But all I get now is chastisement from everyone.

How do you know that someone would be accepting of cross dressers before telling them the truth? I am starting to wish I stayed completely closeted, but how would anyone recommend knowing who would be good to tell?

I will be sure that in the future when I get married, that I will have a wife who is fully aware and supportive. I just don't know how to find that kind of person without looking like a freak to everyone else.

I hate to vent, because my girly self is supposed to be so happy and enjoying life all the time, but it seems so hard when everyone close to you is putting you down.

[Sarah Doepner]

It's so very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube once it's out. I'm sorry to hear there have been negative responses to your revelation. It will probably make it difficult to trust people in the future, but I can tell you that there are people who will accept you for who you are and for many of us there is a life partner who will love us even more because there is so much more to us.

The local Pride Center has a lot of Trans support programs and I'd recommend touching base with them. We also have a Tri-Ess chapter in Utah that may be a good option for you as well. Best of luck to you.

[Nikki50/50]

The only thing I can even concieve of saying to this is to hell with their expectations of who and what you should be. Give them time, and those that come around and accept this aspect of you will realize it didn't change the person they've always known. Those that don't...can go follow right behind their expectations (see first statement). The one that went to your parents can never be trusted again. That "friend" should have taken your confidence as a brand of trust and either be one with it or forever hold the peace, and should have trusted you in return, to come out to your parents when the time was right for you, instead of playing snitch.
In short, be who you want to be in this life that you have, and don't kill yourself by bending to the image that others think you should fill to fit their own ends.

[GeminaRenee]

Sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately, many people just aren't predisposed to understand these sorts of things.

Once upon a time, I had an enthusiastic SO. It went so well telling her, that I became more confident about telling friends. At first, I was still very selective, and the first couple of friends I told, it was no problem. Then, I got dumb. At that point, I was hanging out with a group of people that I worked with on the regular. I felt we were all great friends, so on a few occasions, after a few drinks, I told a few. Big mistake. Supposed friends turned out not to be friends. It got around at work, and even in the small town in which we lived. It was no huge burden or anything. But it was rather annoying. Happily, I've since moved on.

These days, I just operate under the policy of not telling anyone who doesn't need to know. As purely a CD, that list remains pretty small for me.

I guess, just ask yourself how you or the other person might benefit by having that knowledge, and then consider that in concert with other factors, such as how accepting they are of people outside the box.

Unfortunately, you can't un-ring a bell. But at least now you know a little more about your friends. Maybe if you think they're worth salvaging, you could take some steps to educate them. Not everybody is incorrigible - some people are just ignorant.

Good luck.

And never tell a co-worker.

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Felicity, since you are int he heart of Mormon country, I have to ask, are you mormon? Are your friends Mormon? I really can't understand why young people would care unless their beliefs got in the way. You can't "know" you will be accepted. Coming out is always a risk. Still, traits of the individual will provide clues to how accepting they may be: do they have traditional religious beliefs? Do they joke or deride gays or other trans people in general? It's the little things that give people away. I'd bet that if the person you ar etelling has a gay friend (a good friend) they'd be open to you.

[NathalieX66]

It's the truth!

I outed me on my FB page , but screened out my co-workers, and people that are connected in my line of work.

I lost no friends, had no bad comments, and got a lot of support for people I never would expected. My friends and family know this side of me. Lucky me.

It really is a minefield, though.......be careful!

[FelicityMay]

Yes, I am a Mormon.
The thing about the church though, is that they don't specifically say that cross dressing is bad, but they frown upon it, and assume it will lead to worse things.
I understand that some people can give cross dressers a bad name (pedophiles, male hookers, etc.) but to me, its actually a very personal and uplifting part of me! Others just dont understand that i guess.
The friend that told my parents was convinced that this was going to lead me into trouble. but all of this "worry" for me is really what is beating down on me.
I am leaving on a mission next month, so there is lots of pressure on me being the best person i can be. I really feel that this is not a bad thing, and that i am not breaking any of my churches rules, some just cant understand that.

PS. sorry for bringing the religious aspect to this forum, it plays a big part in my situation.

[Jenniferathome]

Well, I think this explains the lack of support. I have many mormon friends and they're great as long as the topic boundaries are within their expectations. Go on your mission. Concentrate on that. Two years will fly by.

[stacycoral]

Girl i hope you have a safe mission trip, yes fath is a very important part of life, and being to keep you on the path, If you ever find out how to tell someone before hand let the rest of us girls know ok. i pray for your safety and peace. hugs.

[Jamie001]

Usually problems will be experienced when telling religious fundamentalists as they have a very hard time accepting anyone or anything that is outside of the norm that is currently defined by society. Another issue with religious fundamentalists is that they assume that all crossdressers are gay and the crossdressing is the worst outward manifestation of being a homosexual. This causes even more issues because they interpret the Bible to say that homosexual behavior is a sin. The Catholic Catechism even teaches the homosexuality is a grave sin and is extremely deranged. Again, in fundamentalist religions, the problem is with the improper link between being a crossdresser and a gay homosexual. On the other hand, there are some Catholics that are very accepting because they don't follow all of the teaching of the church to the letter. The same is true for other religions.

[Joanne f]

The problem is that you just don't know who will be accepting or not until you actually tell them and even then they can have this habit of saying that they are cool with it then for some unknown reason never seem to contact you this is one of the reasons that i think it is best to do it slowly and then you can judge the reaction form them with different things that you wear and it also gives them chance to see that it does not change you as a friend but you also have to remember that some people fear the thought of other people thinking that they might be the same as the people that they socialise with so they have to be fairly confident within themselves to cope with it especially in public so the friend almost has to think of you before themselves and they are hard to find , I think cross dressers are inclined to be more tolerant of different life styles so it can be easy to forget that not all people are , I suppose you can look on the bright side in that you soon find out who your real friends are :)

[Beverley Sims]

Felicity,
That is sad, do you live in a redneck type of community?
How have you come out to your friends.
That can be a problem sometimes.
You need to do it gradually and not... Ta Da... Look at me I am wearing a dress....
Just freaks them out.

Sorry, I overlooked the Mormon community.

[deebra]

Don't go on a mission for two years without the clothing you enjoy wearing and hurt yourself because you are conforming to other peoples opinions. Wear your fem clothes and enjoy away from the others, even underdress. Your best source for finding an accepting friend is in a CD group, if you can't find one then gage others as to their thinking and go slowly as you tell them little things to see if they are O.K. with it and they can keep their mouth shut.

[Vicky_Scot]

The thing is once you tell someone your secret its not your secret anymore.

Its theirs to do with what they wish.

[suzy1]

Unfortunately this is not unusual in many parts of the world.
I stay in my closet because I just don’t have the need to go out dressed but if I did then I know this is what would happen to me too Felicity.

[EllieOPKS]

For your current situation, I think you can comfortably continue dressing around the people you have told by simply not going over the top. There are a lot of girls jeans, tops, shorts that are close to gender neutral. I think first you have to be absolutely honest with yourself and learn from your past experience with sharing with "friends". In the future, you should evaluate them very closely before exposing yourself to them because they have nothing to lose by making a scene or supporting you. A little discussion about current events (gay marriage) should give you a little insight to there acceptance of others. I personally have really close friends and family that I know would never accept my cross dressing. I have a couple of friends that would probably welcome me with open arms, but I really have nothing to gain by sharing with them.

[Vieja]

Felicity one thing you can always count on is that you have tons of non judgmental friends right here.


Vieja

[Karren H]

I think that we should make up some basic test questions to ask to gage someones acceptability..... or you could have just sat down and watched an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race and listened to their comments about the show? I know from comments from people like one of my employees that he wouldn't be accepting... talking about a guy he used to work with..... "he was a real flamer.... he even wore women's clothes!" yep.... listening to those subtle hints....

[Alison_Mathers]

Felicity,

I am sorry to hear about what happened. I myself am LDS (Mormon for those who don't know) and used to live in Utah. My best advice is to go on your mission, forget yourself and when you come back, pick up where you left off.

Should you need to talk, you can always shoot me a PM.

[Eryn]

I choose to have CDing friends and boy mode friends. The boy mode friends won't be enriched by knowing of Eryn so there is no need to tell them. Nobody in my work life need know either. It just isn't to my, or their, advantage.

Moderation note: Please, lets be careful of the religious discussion. So far it is OK, but anything more detailed should be in the religious section.

[~Joanne~]

There truly isn't a way to measure who is going to be accepting or not. I think a lot of times girls think "oh this one is very accepting and would understand" only to get kicked down after telling. Like other have stated, only tell those that really need to know. People at work certainly do not fall into this category. If I have learned any one lesson from this forum it's once you let the genie out, there is no way to put it back in the bottle.

On another note though, one of my coworkers KNOWS. It's not my fault my SO and I work for the same company ;)

[Stephanie47]

I did not read all the comments before posting, so I may be repeating something said already. Strike #!: you're 18. Probably most of your friends are the same age and have not seen much of the world and have had friends that are different than the rest of the pack-totally vanilla! Maybe? They may not matured in their thinking, and, maybe never will. Strike #2: You're in Utah. Utah is hardly a socially liberal state. I would venture to say the religious tenants of Utah are not favorable to alternative lifestyles; gays, lesbians, cross dressers, pre marital sex. Most people want to conform to the norms. I think norms in Utah are somewhat inflexible.

Frankly, secrets are best shared with nobody. Now that the tooth paste is out of the tube, start looking for a different and more liberal set of friends.

[Mikaylagirl]

It's all true. Once it's out there...it's out there for good. Luckily for me,I've chosen very discreet friends that I know will take it to the grave with them.
I have only told 6 friends in over 20 years and they are all females. My ggf is so supportive,she is my first contact when I need to talk or vent. I will never tell my male friends for fear of bullying. In the circle of friends.I am the one that stands out as the rebel. Im a retired musician,I have hot rods and bikes and very...rough edged. My guy friends are either country boys or 1% bikers.
I recently confessed to a great woman that turned lover for a short time and she was blown away by my confession,telling me that due to my male image,no one...not even her would ever have guessed that im cd/bi. I told her no one would ever guess because I keep that rough,bad boy image true.
I will most likely never tell my male friends either and thats fine with me. Why should I? So I can live in misery? Im not attracted to any of them (ick).
I dont tell co workers or any new people that I meet. I just dont feel the need too. If I choose to be "out",it wont be in my home town. I have the reassurance from a skin tight friend that where she lives in Burbank,I could walk to the market looking like a truck stop hooker and not one person will think anything of it.
Yes...Im considering relocation so I can live the way I want without ridicule.
Yeah...Im not letting any Genie out of any of my bottles,not in these parts.

[DeeArel]

Do not despair. You will find friends. By definition, friends support you. I learned long ago that you can count your true friends on one hand and still have fingures left over.

[Jamie001]

Anyone that you tell who does not support you was never your friend in the first place.

[FelicityMay]

Thank you girls for all of the support :) i know this can be hard for some of us, but it is so great to know that I have friends here who care!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Felicity, You just can't unring a bell what's done is done.

There's a lot of difference between real friends and acquaintances.

[Stacey Summer]

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a bad time of it. I've been very lucky with the people I've told but then most of my friends are people who would be accepting of just about anything and those that wouldn't I haven't told. Really it's just a case of properly knowing your friends. Having zipped through the thread I caught that you are a Mormon and I assume that your friends are too. That being the case I would suggest that you sit down with them and point out that crossdressing doesn't necessarily lead to "Worse" things and that you're still the same person they've known all this time, just with another layer. Now I'll not mention the Mormon thing again because I have...issues with religion and this is not the place.

Persevere is the only advice I can give you. The desire the wear womens clothes is not something any of us asked for, in fact life would be a hell of a lot simpler with it. But don't give in to peer pressure and stop doing it if you need to, you'll only end up depressed and resenting everything. Eventually, if they're real friends they will accept this part of you and there willl be no more disapproval. If they don't, well find yourself some new friends because they're not worth your time.

Stacey.

[kimdl93]

My observation is that "when" and "how" you come out is as important as who you tell. Many of us go through an initial euphoric period - call it pink fog - and assume that even though we're only beginning to come to grips with ourselves, that we're ready to share this wonderful secret with others. And more than one of us has found that we receive a less enthusiastic reception from the person than we expected.

Here's the deal - coming out is a big deal, whether its to a SO, a friend, parent or business associate. And aside from the courage or resolve needed to be honest and open, we need to have a realistic appraisal of the person's need to know, their attitudes towards gender variations, and a worst case scenario. If you haven't given considerable thought to these three things you probably should hold off on telling anyone.

[Tracii G]

The so called friend that outed you to your parents is the worst of them all IMO.
I would let them know you won't be having anything to do with them from this point forward.
I have told a total of 3 friends and thats going to be it.
They were close enough and were very understanding as I knew they would be.
The cat is out of the bag so I would say start dressing more the way you want its not going to be any surprise at this point.
At some point a few of your real friends will come back and be OK with it.
Sorry this happened to you.
For all of the ones here that feel you have to tell your friends you CD here is a sad story and proof you better be careful just who you tell.

[FelicityMay]

I've taken different approaches to telling people actually.
A good amount of my friends are not even the religious type, and when i told them, they thought it was just a little awkward, and didnt want the details.
I am seen as sort of an odd person by most of my friends, I've always kinda presented as a weirdo, so i tried opening up by saying "i really dont even care how i look at this point, im starting to turn into a girl" or something like that haha.
I wouldnt say that I've lost close friends from telling them, but i definitely dont have anyone who supports me, which could make this so much more enjoyable...

[sometimes_miss]

I think that we should make up some basic test questions to ask to gage someones acceptability..... or you could have just sat down and watched an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race and listened to their comments about the show? I know from comments from people like one of my employees that he wouldn't be accepting... talking about a guy he used to work with..... "he was a real flamer.... he even wore women's clothes!" yep.... listening to those subtle hints....

This is a great idea; yet, those test questions will have to be quite subtle to avoid outing ourselves in the first place! Even then, it may not be indicative of how someone else really feels about crossdressing. My ex wife 'passed' all of my 'tests'. She was fine with La Cage, RuPaul, gay co-workers, etc. But when it came to her husband, well, that was completely different. Same with my ex friends. They were perfectly tolerant of other people's behavior as long as it didn't encroach into their own lives. So, short of asking 'Do you have any problem with me dressing up and behaving like a girl?', there probably isn't going to be a perfect solution to this problem.