My Best Friend Is Watching Me Disappear

[Persephone]

(Note to Admins - I couldn't decide if this belonged in the Male to Female Crossdressing forum or the Transsexual Forum so I decided to place it here. If you feel I was wrong I will understand if it gets moved. Thank you).

He’s been my guyself’s best friend for over a decade. We’ve camped together, built stuff together, fixed stuff together, we have lunch together every week or so. We look to each other for advice and counsel.

He’s the first guyfriend I told when I decided to “come out.” We were in his woodshop working on a project. I said, “I have to tell you something important. I’m not dying and I’m not gay, but it is pretty much at that level . . .”

I was very afraid. He tends to draw big distinctions between men and women. Not that he is really a misogynist, far from it, he respects women, he sees them as equals, but different.

He is a “man’s man,” a “real guy,” and the notion that a guy would want to be a woman is about as far from his thinking as it is probably possible to get. Something along the lines of my having told him I was a space alien from Anteres.

Yet he listened to what I had to say, thought it over, and the first thing he said was, “But we’re still friends, right?”

I had thought that was going to be my line, but his use of it proved to be what became normal as friend after friend asked me the same question.

My friend is in a very loving relationship with his wife of over 25 years. She is perhaps the closest to a saint of anyone I know. She is compassionate, kind, sweet, thoughtful, and always doing wonderful things for people.

She knew the real me before she was ever officially introduced to me. Whenever we spoke she would simply converse with me as she would with any other woman, and of course I would immediately fall into girlspeak.

If she opened the door when I arrived we would always immediately go into “girl mode.” So much so that when he walked in the room he would say something like “O.K. girls, break it up, time for he and I to go to work.”

It was no surprise to her when I “came out,” she just accepted it as perfectly natural.

My best friend also has a twin sister. A genuine real twin sister. And she and I (in girl mode) have begun to hit it off as well.

As a matter of fact, accompanied by my spouse the four of us have had a few Girl’s Night Out events. We’ve gone to various places, most recently last week when we went to dinner and a performance of “Legally Blonde – The Musical.”

Which pretty much brings us to the problem. More and more my guyself is disappearing. “He” goes out in public less and less, afraid that “he” will be seen and that I, my girlself, will be outted to those who only know me as a woman. It is a bit like watching the Cheshire Cat disappear in Alice In Wonderland.

What it means is that my friend, my best guy friend, is watching his best friend vanish.

Last week, just before our Girl’s Night Out, he insisted that “he” come over in the afternoon to work on one of our hobby projects.

It was almost surreal. I, as “he” (drab mode), went over for barely an hour. The two guys worked on the project in his woodworking shop, and about an hour later I as “she” showed up in a dress, heels, and full stealth passing mode, to go out with his wife and twin sister.

He even came out to the car to say “Goodbye” and “Enjoy yourselves” to us.
I think he needed “him” to come over that afternoon for reassurance that he still had his best friend.

Once, on a different occasion, he even said “I’m one of the few anchors that keep you on this side of the fence.”

And he is right; he is watching the Cheshire Cat disappear. And it hurts both of us very badly. I don't know what to do about it.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rachelakld]

For me - I would rather work on a project with my best friend (currently his boat) and only go out girl a few hours per week. I know I want to go girl a lot more often but must settle for living 2 lives, each with it's own demands.
Best of luck
Rachel

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im not going to give advice on this one because im not a guy never have been so to even think as your friend is im finding it pretty hard to understand,

you said a mans man, something i struggle with, & have done,

I think you have a neat loveing friend something that you both weill miss ,some thing you said is rather funny to me you go into girl talk. oh...... you have a male talk & girl talk. .....okay..... i think i understand you, i dont have the thinking of a male talk. yet you said workshop. yes im a chippy do any thing in timber = lumber or wood, would that be okay. to get me by in ...your ... male talk. .

Maybe you need to reasure him you are still his bestist ...MATE...

It seems he's very set in his ways concerning male being different from female, so i spos not mixing of the two then in any way shape or form. though you have been in a way doing that, so i would say theres a little detail going on he wont admit to not yet any way,

I have a woman friend in our Edwardian group who's husband can not get his head around my difference so for get the intersex bit he more than not wont accept that, yet its strange some people need to see one loing enough to get past the change in clothes or look if the friendship is strong enough then it wont matter what you are or what you wear,

You presented a different side of ... your mate maybe .... i can accept the difference after all, in time, would be lovely if he can . be a pity after all this time to not carry on as you both have . hope so.

...noeleena...

[Lisa Gerrie]

Persephone, he is watching you grow, not die.

At 56 I am a very different person than I was at 25, yet my best friend is still my best -- and oldest -- friend. Things have ebbed and flowed as we each went through life changes, but the twenty-something is still inside both of us.

[Beverley Sims]

Barbara,
I can only say do as you are doing,
when the opportunity arises interact with him in guy mode dressed in jeans and a top, using a minimiser bra if that is appropriate, keep your feminine soft self but use the same conversational interactions that you have in the past. but over time you can gradually tone them down.
I feel this way you can get him used to the new you.

This is how I feel Barbara, as I have not had to deal with this.
I am sure you do not have to die completely.
I do wish you well in what you decide.
When the Cheshire cat disappears, there will be enough of you left that he will have forgotten about the old you.

[ReineD]

I think he needed “him” to come over that afternoon for reassurance that he still had his best friend.

Once, on a different occasion, he even said “I’m one of the few anchors that keep you on this side of the fence.”

And he is right; he is watching the Cheshire Cat disappear. And it hurts both of us very badly. I don't know what to do about it.

Persephone, it sounds as if you've come to the point where you need to make decisions, not unlike the decisions that transitioners make. They decide that they can no longer live as male and they become prepared (with sadness) to let go of the people who cannot change with them.

Your friend may or may not be able to feel comfortable in your relationship if you do transition (in his eyes). I don't know. You could tell him that you cannot present as a male any longer, and ask if this will affect your relationship. If he is able to move beyond the barriers that propel him to seek comfort in your male identity, then all will be well. How old is he? But if he cannot, (I suspect due to his age, his understanding of gender, gender roles and presentation based on his lifelong learning), then you will need to decide what is most important to you. His friendship or your peace of mind.

I'm thinking that if you were both thirty years old, things would be much easier for him. He might have more modern, more gender-fluid views.

Are you thinking about making a commitment to live 24/7 with no exception?

[Rogina B]

Years go by so fast for many of us..I might tell him that he is really special to you in that he is the only one that you will be male for,as being male no longer does it for you in living true to yourself..Perhaps you can even explain that while his wife is present in order for her to affirm your comfort in presenting and behaving female as your natural personna.I can understand and relate to this situation...

[kimdl93]

Barb, my question would be the same as Reine's - is your intention to let the male side fade away completely, or do you still expect to shift form when the circumstances demand it? If its the former, then the two of you may have to redefine the nature of your friendship, but one would hope it might continue...and if its the latter, then it seems there's not problem.

[Brynna M]

Persephone,

Your friend may be worried less about loosing his "guy" friend and more about loosing his project friend. He may feel he can't participate in the girls activities with you his wife and his sister. Do you (Persephone) do wood working projects?

[Sara Jessica]

Such an eloquent telling of a unique issue. My thought is quite simple. It seems your SO is all good with your female presentation but your friend stands in the shoes of the SO who needs to have the guy around from time to time. Instead of having to drag him out kicking & screaming for your SO, you are finding a need to do so for your friend.

Perhaps on those days when the hobby thing is going on you can remain in guy mode for the entire day rather than flip into female-mode for an outing, unless of course it's a HM night at which time all bets are off!!! ;)

[DonnaT]

Maybe he needs to spend more time with Persephone, and you can do the hobby work as Persephone.

[joank]

There are two of my (best) friends I would like to tell but my wife would feel uncomfortable with that. Beside the SA's at my favortie Sally's Beauty and a neighbor (female) I remain in the a house guest in my own house. I'm not complaining but it would be nice.

[famousunknown]

Once, on a different occasion, he even said “I’m one of the few anchors that keep you on this side of the fence.”


Maybe you've straddled the fence as long as you can and it's time to pick a side?

[Persephone]

Thank you to everyone who has posted so far. Lots of thoughful, and much appreciated, suggestions.

My friend has been places with my femmeself, Barbara (my real name, Persephone is my name here because Barbara was already taken), and has been O.K. with it but he has said that he would not be comfortable with "her" at our regular guy lunches and probably not in the workshop (although I might think about shifting in that venue a bit).

There is another issue though. His wife has always been very comfortable with me. As I mentioned, she and I were relating as two women before I even came out to her. Now we are really close friends and we go places and have fun as four women with my spouse and his twin sister. She is one of the most wonderful and caring women I know.

When we're all together, often with her sitting next to him and my spouse and I sitting across from them, he will do or say something typically guy and she will glance at me with one of those woman-to-woman looks that send the sidebar "we know" kind of messages.

She has never exhibited a concern about he and I (en drab) doing stuff together, just as he has never exhibited a concern about she and I (en femme) doing stuff together, nor would there be any breech of that confidence and trust. But if, as some suggest, I start to "transition" in the shop or when he and I travel to hobby venues together, could it cause a rift between her and I?

Sigh, this is the stuff that never gets discussed in the classes at Transgender University.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[ReineD]

She has never exhibited a concern about he and I (en drab) doing stuff together, just as he has never exhibited a concern about she and I (en femme) doing stuff together, nor would there be any breech of that confidence and trust. But if, as some suggest, I start to "transition" in the shop or when he and I travel to hobby venues together, could it cause a rift between her and I?

Barbara, I don't follow exactly.

Why would it cause a rift between your friend's wife and you, if you are Barbara on a more permanent basis with your friend, her husband? Assuming your male friend would be OK with you no longer presenting male, do you think that his wife would be jealous or feel threatened somehow to know that her husband is now close friends with another woman? Do you think that she (his wife) thinks that her husband would be attracted to you?

[Laura912]

Why don't you just ask your friend's wife? "I am thinking of spending more time with ..... while enfemme. How would you feel about that?"

[Persephone]

Why would it cause a rift between your friend's wife and you, if you are Barbara on a more permanent basis with your friend, her husband? Assuming your male friend would be OK with you no longer presenting male, do you think that his wife would be jealous or feel threatened somehow to know that her husband is now close friends with another woman? Do you think that she (his wife) thinks that her husband would be attracted to you?

I don't expect it, Reine, she's very secure, but two women, one husband ...

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Jodi Anne]

Thanks Barbara, I try to plan as much as I can to foresee the bumps in the road ahead and this is something I had not thought of enough. One friend had lost his friendship with a good friend of many years after they had transitioned, and was afraid of losing me the same way. so far things have been good, but I also know that things are moving very quickly for me now and need to make sure we do not grow apart.

[Courtney . J]

Yet he listened to what I had to say, thought it over, and the first thing he said was, “But we’re still friends, right?”

.

here is your answer in a nutshell ,. your fiend has no problem with your true self , in fact it seems he enjoys this side of you ,.. the mixed feelings and energy you are getting is coming from him and the wife because he is afraid of losing his friend to his wife because he does not know how to have girl on girl conversations because he simply is pure male ,. nothing wrong with that btw ..


just let him know that no matter what you truely value his friendship and that nobody can replace his spot in your life

[Nicole Erin]

Sure it has been said but yeah - he is probably more worried about losing his friend than about your gender role.
There is talk about this whole "Pick a side" but damn any one of us TS are still the same person.

I don't know, I think as you get more and more comfy with yourself you will still be able to be "the man" on the rare occasion that needs it. I know it sounds contradictory to what TS is about but our man friends who knew us as men before still need us.

I mean would it really hurt to still have "male bonding" time with this guy who has been your best friend for 25 years? It doesn't make you less of a woman or TS or whatever.

Sometimes we have to wear a different face for different people. Well like your boss at work has to put on a different face for his crew than what he does for his family, friends, or colleagues. I mean for my co-workers or friends, I am one of the gals but for say my brother - I still have to be his brother. It doesn't bother me.