Wondered if people I knew would recognise me en femme

[Michelle (Oz)]

I've often wondered whether I would be recognised if I passed people I know well when out dressed femme. It is a scary thought.

I don't get to travel as much now for work so it is out in my home town or nothing and 'nothing' isn't an alternative.

Three recent experiences (a work colleague of 15 years, another work colleague of 1 year and an acquaintence) give me some hope that I am sufficiently different even if picked as a guy in a dress that I won't be recognised. Does make me practice not responding to my male name and turning my phone onto silent in case.

I'm curious the experiences of others seeing people they know. How safe are we?

[Jenniferathome]

Hi Michelle, my wife tells me that there is zero chance that I would be recognized alone, HOWEVER, if we were together, the context might cause someone to make that leap: "there's my friend, she's with a guy dressed as a woman, holy crap is that her husband?"

[I Am Paula]

If someone walks by you on a busy sidewalk, they not only won't recognize you, they won't even notice that you're trans. People see exactly what they expect to see. If they sat down for coffee with you, then yes, they'll figure it out. -Celeste

[Karren H]

I've passed coworkers in the hotel parking lots more than a few times while on business trips together and they had no clue...... or never let on they knew...

[Beverley Sims]

Like Jennifer has said, only by association will people recognize you.
You would have to look very much like a man in a dress for people to see you otherwise.
I have been to shops dressed after having appeared in drab and engaged in a transaction with a number of staff and still had to remind them that I was going to show them Beverley someday. They just could not accept that they did not recognize me.

[JenniferR771]

Could go either way.
I was in a thrift store wearing a wig, carrying a purse, and dressed to blend. I saw a clerk that knew me. I said to her, "How does my hair look? I am trying to blend." She said, "You are doing a good job at it."
Another thrift store where I am well-known. As soon as I entered the door enfemme from 10 feet away the clerk said, "Looking good, Jennifer!"
Depends on how close--and--on how well you pass.

[Sarah Doepner]

A few years ago I would have said that I could get away with passing through a crowd where there were people who know me, but I'm less sure of that today. Part of that comes from attending support group meetings both en femme and occassonally drab. There is rarely any delay in, or question about who walked in the door. I suppose I could still do the successful pass by someone unsuspecting and unaware, but since I'm over 6' tall I tend to attract a bit of attention that might trigger the memories that harbour my identity. It may also depend on how well the person knows me. My oldest friends would probably know me from 50 yards but casual aquaintances may just be happy they don't know that guy in the skirt.

[I Am Paula]

Sarah. At a support group meeting EVERYONE is expecting a man in drag to walk in. That's as far from the real world as it gets. In the 'real' real world, you could probably walk thru your office Xmas party without anybody knowing or caring.-Celeste

[GeminaRenee]

I would think in a cold encounter, the chances would be close to nil. People simply aren't expecting to see Joe Guy Friend walking around town in a tube top. You may or may not get clocked as a guy in a dress, but even then, it seems unlikely that people would come to the conclusion that it's someone they know.

Now, if people were given contextual cues, i.e, distinctive piercings, tats, walking around with your SO - that's a different story. I have some distinctive tats on my legs (people notice them in guy mode in shorts all the time), so I have to be cognizant about that if I'm concerned about detection.

But really, the clothes and the hair and the makeup do a wonderful job of obscuring who you are, or might be. So just relax and enjoy the town.

[Jenniferathome]

Sarah. At a support group meeting EVERYONE is expecting a man in drag to walk in. That's as far from the real world as it gets. In the 'real' real world, you could probably walk thru your office Xmas party without anybody knowing or caring.-Celeste

I'm with Celeste on this one. Unless you had your wife at your side, your friends won't recognize you. The chief reason is that the leap to "my friend is a cross dresser" is SO far, people can't get there.

[carhill2mn]

There are several factors which, IMHO, affect the chances of your being recognized. 1) are you in a place with which your male self is associated; 2) how good is your feminine presentation; 3) are you with someone that would normally be associated with your male self?

My experience has been that no one has recognized me. I have chosen not to "push the envelope", so to speak, too hard. I have often seen people that my male self knows at malls, stores, concerts, etc. without any sign of recognition. On one occassion I even talked to a friend briefly ay a concert and he never realized who I was.

[Lorileah]

I have had two people "know" (out of maybe thousands???)

Often I feel like a superhero...InvisiTG!

[Paula T]

Two times I have walked right by people that know me as my male self and they didn't even give any indication that "hey who is that" just kept on walking. and that was before I learned how to do my makeup like I do it now. Now a friend of mine who saw my last makeover picture said she wouldn't recognize me.:)

[AllieSF]

I think a lot depends on if we have one or more specific and noticeable features and how observant someone is. A chipped tooth, a wonderful smile with great or even crooked teeth can be give aways. My daughter and granddaughter seem to notice all the details. It also depends on how long someone can actually look at someone to be able to notice the details. Given more time and a desire to look at one of us, gives their memory a chance to put together more details to be able to make a positive ID.

[Wildaboutheels]

"We have met the enemy and he is us." [from the POGO comic strip - Walt Kelly 1913-1973]

If Walt Kelly wasn't a CDer, I'll bet he had a good friend that WAS. Could there be a more fitting description for CDers who go through so much time and effort honing their "craft" to be able to pass? Since THEY are the ones to whom it is so important, THEY are the ones who go about on their daily travels, looking to "bust" other CDers at least unconsciously. Perfectly natural for them. It's a way to "judge" and compare themselves. The trouble with that is that it's pretty silly to pass judgement on folks, as to male OR female just judging from an outside appearance. And judging as to man OR woman based on a "bad" walk or talk is also silly based on my own experience. Men CAN have soft voices and women, especially smokers, can have deep voices. Throw in the FACT that both women and men come in all shapes and sizes. This is quite evident in Florida, where there are ZERO days a year that everyone will be completely covered up from head to toe. Skin is always on display here and usually lots of it.

Many here worry and fret endlessly over body hair and who will notice...

Of course we all know...EVERYONE will notice because that is what we remember about folks right? How much hair they have on their arms or legs? Most CDers can't even remember the eye color of their friends. Do you really think YOUR friends are any different? The only exception would be someone very hairy with dark hair. I personally don't know any guys like that and I work with well over a hundred guys.

The only people likely to notice IMO, are other CDers or people who have been given a heads up, or if one is extra tall or has some unique feature, scar, mannereism or something else not ordinarily visible in most. I also think when one goes out in the RW skulking about, like a deer in the headlights, or dog with it's tail between it's legs, you greatly increase your odds of being "busted" People might not be looking but a person looking or acting "guilty" definitely is more noticeable.

Going out en femme probably has less risk than being out and about and being struck by a car. But like any activity, there is some "risk" in anything we do.

It all boils down to how bad one needs to get out of the closet.

[ReineD]

If someone walks by you on a busy sidewalk, they not only won't recognize you, they won't even notice that you're trans. People see exactly what they expect to see. If they sat down for coffee with you, then yes, they'll figure it out. -Celeste

I agree with this. If they pass you by without paying much attention, they wouldn't clue in. You'd be on the periphery of their radar, just as we all are to people we pass on the street. But, if they do look up and pay attention to your face, for example if you are in the same restaurant and they glance at you for more than a few seconds, or if something about you gives off subtle male gender cues (I haven't seen pics but it could be your height, shoulder width, profile, etc), then this might cause them to look more closely and recognize you. This is true especially if they know you and are familiar with your features. Strangers on the other hand might see just what they expect to see, based on your transformation skills. But for people who do know you, the hair would be different, your body shape under your clothes would be different if you wear forms and pads, but your facial bone structure is the same even if you wear makeup, unless you wear a lot of makeup and are an expert at contouring to change the appearance of your bone structure and also your wig significantly masks the edges of your face.

In my opinion. :2c:

Many CDers do feel that they pass completely and they are unrecognizable while dressed. Yet many (most?) of the transsexuals in this forum who have had HRT for years and even if they have had FFS, do go through a period of several years where they are still read as men by some people who do not know them and recognized by those who do know them. This understandably is very difficult for someone who has transitioned. I don't wish to be mean but I don't understand why individuals who have made significant physical changes to their faces report being read, while CDers who only wear makeup are not.

Sorry if this sounds non-supportive or negative. I want to be realistic since you indicate that it matters to you should people that you know recognize you.

So you might want to objectively test how recognizable you are by taking ten unedited high res and not tiny facial pictures (since this will come closest to real life), exactly the same size, position, and in the same lighting (well lit): five each in girl mode and guy mode. Don't rely on the mirror. Take pics full profile one on each side, three quarter view one on each side, and full-on facial view. And then you can compare side by side and be your own judge.

You might well be one of the fortunates who is completely unrecognizable. :)

[Kate Simmons]

Different opinions on this but in all honesty, there is only one way to find out for sure--Just do it!:battingeyelashes::)

[Tracii G]

I have passed a few of people I know and they have never said anything (and trust me they would) so my guess they didn't know that lady was me.
One of those people was my son in law.
At some of the shops I frequent in drab I have had to say hi remember me?
The SA's more often than not say I look much different in girl mode than guy mode.
I really don't worry about being seen.

[Nikki A.]

Alot depends on how you blend into the crowd. Walking into Walmart in a sequined evening gown will attract attention in itself and cause the person to look harder. However if you dress and blend there is usually no reason for someone to really notice.
Don't forget, your hair is different, makeup changes your look and features, clothing and body shape.
Two experiences, I ran into two of my daughter's teachers in a local gay club. Not knowing if they recognised me and wanting to keep it quiet, I decided to go up to him and say hello and see if he knew who I was. I had to give him a bunch of clues before they figured out who I was and he understood that my daughter didn't know. My accoutant also took a bit to figure out who I was and she was expecting me. Now I have to admit I don't think I'm all that good with makeup and yet here are people that I could have walked right past and they would have never guessed.
People that expect to see you dressed may still spot you, but others that don't know may not.

[DeeArel]

It is a matter of keeping your composure if some one you recognize does a double glance. Your repsonse is more likely to give it away than your appearance.

[NicoleScott]

Hey Michelle,
After taking a closer look at your pics, I think I know you. But I won't tell.

[Barbara Maria]

I do not look like my male self, but if someone knew my daughters they would see me and know we are related. I look a lot like both of my daughters. Just older.
When I'm en femme my oldest daughter and I could pass for twins(except for age,of course).As for being recognized,I doubt it.I haven't worked up the guts to really go out yet,but when en femme I barely recognize myself!

[Chickhe]

One time a couple decades ago I went out dressed with my wife to a bar I had never been to because I was scared about being seen, it was on Halloween and we happened to meet a friend there much to my horror. He recognized my wife right away and was about to ask her who her friend (I) was, but we were too quick to explain. I don't think I was particularly passable, but I discovered that there were enough differences in the way I looked not be recognized. Walking in the street alone...probably never and if I was I would probably not stop to give them the chance to confirm it.

[TeresaCD]

There are several factors which, IMHO, affect the chances of your being recognized. 1) are you in a place with which your male self is associated; 2) how good is your feminine presentation; 3) are you with someone that would normally be associated with your male self?

My experience has been that no one has recognized me. I have chosen not to "push the envelope", so to speak, too hard. I have often seen people that my male self knows at malls, stores, concerts, etc. without any sign of recognition. On one occassion I even talked to a friend briefly ay a concert and he never realized who I was.
That makes sense. Scary, risky, but makes sense. It's one thing I haven't done yet..

[Rogina B]

So,now that the recognition issue has been concluded....why are people so scared to go out?

[ReineD]

There are several factors which, IMHO, affect the chances of your being recognized. 1) are you in a place with which your male self is associated; 2) how good is your feminine presentation; 3) are you with someone that would normally be associated with your male self?

My experience has been that no one has recognized me.

Another factor is age. I think that very young CDs can go out without being recognized. Their faces are blank, smooth canvases not yet altered by years of testosterone, so they can do a lot with makeup. Conversely, I think that people past a certain age can also go out without being recognized. We all tend to subconsciously compare the people we see with others in their own age groups, and the gap between older men and older women narrows, since men lose testosterone, women do lose estrogen, and there are also other changes to an aging face that both men and women share.

So I think it's important to consider age, when determining if a person is recognizable or not. I would loosely say there was a higher risk of being recognized between say mid/late twenties, to late 50s/early 60s (depending on how quickly a person's face ages).

That said, there are factors that cannot possibly be measured or agreed upon in this thread, since they are entirely individual. Some men have salient features they cannot disguise, such as very large foreheads, protruding brows, square chins, distinctively male noses, facial widths, etc. So really, no matter what we say in this thread, there is not one rule that fits all.

I would hate to give someone a false sense of comfort that they cannot possibly be recognized, if it is important for them to not have others know. So the best solution for the OP if she is serious about not being recognized in her town, is to do an objective picture test as suggested in post #16. Then she will know. And then she may make the decision to go out in the next town over.

[LSL_Dee]

My wife said i should start going to work dressed a day or two a week. Needless to say my jaw dropped.
It made me wonder if any of the people in the office building would recognize me a Dee or Donnell in drag. Interesting thought and I am up for the challenge when i return form this business trip and I get a new wig.

I cant wait

Dee

[LSL_Dee]

Here is a virtual comparison
Do you think I would be recognized
Yes I know I need to get some new REAL pics made

Dee

[ReineD]

Dee, the bone structure under your chin looks different and your neck looks narrower, in a way that is not produced by makeup. Did you lose a lot of weight since you took the male picture or have the femme pics been altered in any way? There are odd marks on your forehead and the hair looks exactly the same, strand by strand, in both femme pics.

You should take a pic of your guy self on the same day as your femme self and in the same light, and then compare them both side by side without having altered the femme pics in any way such as softening the contours digitally, or any blurring to smooth out features. I think this will give you the most objective results.

[vikki2020]

I've passed by people I know quite a few times, and no one has blinked. Mainly, they aren't looking at,or for you, so, you are just part of the background noise. Actually, look for the science shows that address this-- science channel? Your brain isn't built for all the info given to it, at a random time. It "cherry picks" the bits that it needs to move you along. The show has set-ups, where one person might do 5 different "changes"--shirt, hats, fake beards, etc., and the other person is blind to all of them--while talking to them, at close range!!

[Diane Smith]

I was picking up a new pair of glasses at Lenscrafters once, fully dressed, and a professional acquaintance happened to be in there at the same time. She recognized me instantly and approached me. It was quite a letdown to be "made" quite so fast and easily, but a good experience in the end because she saw nothing odd or wrong about it and we had a great conversation just as if I'd been dressed for business.

More recently, I've seen two other friends up close at my regular hair and nail salon, and neither one noticed me, so perhaps the first incident was something of a fluke. It certainly taught me not to take it for granted that I am incognito when dressed, however.

- Diane

[I Am Paula]

So,now that the recognition issue has been concluded....why are people so scared to go out?

There's still the torch bearing villagers, werewolves, angry elves, and all those other nogoodniks, just trying to make our day.

[ReineD]

There's still the torch bearing villagers, werewolves, angry elves, and all those other nogoodniks, just trying to make our day.

I think that most people in this thread who go out, are saying that it is OK to go out. The issue is rather, the OP specifically said that she didn't want to be recognized in her town, so I for one was being honest. I consider this more a gesture of friendship than being a torch bearing villager. :)

To give the impression that every CDer is always passable and unrecognizable is disingenuous, I think.

The better advice is to encourage the people who are concerned about keeping the CDing private from their acquaintances and coworkers, to take pics in both guy and girl modes so they can compare and see for themselves. And then they can decide whether they want to go out in their own backyards, or in the next town over.

[LSL_Dee]

Years ago I was sitting at the Lancome counter getting a make over when a woman from my office turned the corner and we came face to face. The poor minister's wife looked like she saw a ghost and could not look me in the face for the last year i was with that organization.
Two days later a different woman approached me about the encounter telling me how upset the one woman was. The second woman was very supportive and we became close friends.

[julietalyse]

I do believe you are quite safe from being recognized. I am still trying to find my way out there.

julietalyse

[rachel_rachel]

I'd only be worried because i have personallised registration plates on my car... But that's not on the road at the moment so that's not a worry.. If i get the number plates i want for my wife's car, there would be NO WAY i'd be heading out dressed driving that car.

[Chiana]

A word of caution here. Being recognized by a friend while in drag and being recognized as a guy in a dress by "torch bearing villagers, werewolves, angry elves, and all those other nogoodniks" is a completely different thing. I play a lot of golf and of course I always wear a hat. I have had fellow golfers who have known me for 20 years, fail to recognize me when I am not wearing a hat. Many times, they can't place me even after I have spoken to them. I have been seen a couple of times while dressed and no one recognized me. But do I want to take that chance. Not really.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Hi Michelle, my wife tells me that there is zero chance that I would be recognized alone, HOWEVER, if we were together, the context might cause someone to make that leap: "there's my friend, she's with a guy dressed as a woman, holy crap is that her husband?"

Sadly I'll never be seen with my wife - dressing is abhorrent to her but that's another story. My somewhat unique car is my most vulnerable 'company'.

I sometimes daydream about dressing and making sure my wife does see me when out of context, such as lunch time near her work. I very much doubt that she would recognise me. Purely a daydream (an ego trip?) but simply not worth the even slightest risk.


I agree with this. If they pass you by without paying much attention, they wouldn't clue in. You'd be on the periphery of their radar, just as we all are to people we pass on the street. But, if they do look up and pay attention to your face, for example if you are in the same restaurant and they glance at you for more than a few seconds, or if something about you gives off subtle male gender cues (I haven't seen pics but it could be your height, shoulder width, profile, etc), then this might cause them to look more closely and recognize you. This is true especially if they know you and are familiar with your features. Strangers on the other hand might see just what they expect to see, based on your transformation skills. But for people who do know you, the hair would be different, your body shape under your clothes would be different if you wear forms and pads, but your facial bone structure is the same even if you wear makeup, unless you wear a lot of makeup and are an expert at contouring to change the appearance of your bone structure and also your wig significantly masks the edges of your face.

Many CDers do feel that they pass completely and they are unrecognizable while dressed.


The responses to the thread mostly support my confidence in not being recognised but I take your point (as usual) Reine. Australia isn't like the US when the next town with things to do is maybe 10 mile away. We're talking 3 hours one way.

I do the contouring, wig to reshape and feminise my male face, MAC inspired make-up, body shaping, etc. Bottom line though is that there is always a risk. I know I'm occasionally made and I don't pass under scutiny or when I speak.


It is a matter of keeping your composure if some one you recognize does a double glance. Your response is more likely to give it away than your appearance.

Which brings me to Dee's point. I used to practice when scuba diving not panicing when my mask was knocked off or my reg was knocked out of my mouth just in case. As a defensive strategy, I do try thinking how to react (or not react) if I saw someone I knew. It has helped.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Lot's of interesting responses y'all. (I'm multi-lingual!)


Hey Michelle,
After taking a closer look at your pics, I think I know you. But I won't tell.

Oh Nicole, thanks for keeping my secret safe. That's what gurl friends do right?

[ReineD]

The responses to the thread mostly support my confidence in not being recognised but I take your point (as usual) Reine. Australia isn't like the US when the next town with things to do is maybe 10 mile away. We're talking 3 hours one way.

If your town is fairly big, are there neighborhoods you could go to where your risk of running into someone that you know is small?

Another thought ... I remember how your wife feels about this and you risk divorce should she become aware that you started to dress again. I'm wondering if she is the primary person that you don't want this to get back to. If so, then are people who might recognize you likely to go running to her with tales of having seen you dressed?

(Caveat: I don't usually advocate keeping this from a wife and to try if possible to educate a wife about this so that she can at least understand a husband's need to express this side of himself, even if she is not involved. But, I know there are wives who cannot possibly go there and really, if it is a choice between divorce and expressing yourself occasionally without your wife knowing, I don't think that divorce is the best option. Not if your marriage is otherwise loving.)

So, would the consequences of being recognized be dire for you?

[Jillian Faith]

Hi Michelle, my wife tells me that there is zero chance that I would be recognized alone, HOWEVER, if we were together, the context might cause someone to make that leap: "there's my friend, she's with a guy dressed as a woman, holy crap is that her husband?"

Jennifer our wives could be sisters....My wife has told me almost the same thing on several occasions

[Michelle (Oz)]

If your town is fairly big, are there neighborhoods you could go to where your risk of running into someone that you know is small?

Another thought ... I remember how your wife feels about this and you risk divorce should she become aware that you started to dress again. I'm wondering if she is the primary person that you don't want this to get back to. If so, then are people who might recognize you likely to go running to her with tales of having seen you dressed?

(Caveat: I don't usually advocate keeping this from a wife and to try if possible to educate a wife about this so that she can at least understand a husband's need to express this side of himself, even if she is not involved. But, I know there are wives who cannot possibly go there and really, if it is a choice between divorce and expressing yourself occasionally without your wife knowing, I don't think that divorce is the best option. Not if your marriage is otherwise loving.)

So, would the consequences of being recognized be dire for you?

Your caveat applies. I've accepted that I must maintain a separate but important part of my life to keep a very loving and otherwise supportive marriage while fulfilling my needs. This might sound like justifying a degree of deceiptfulness but there is definitely a higher goal in protecting what we have. When I read posts from CDers about the changing level of acceptance of their wives and sundry complications, I really think my life is actually less complex and subject to emotional swings.

Perhaps at the heart of my OP is the hope that I won't be recognised. Dire consequences? It wouldn't be pretty (pun intended) but the price of discovery is one that all CDers live with whether in or out of the closet.