Does your wife KNOW you will never transition?

[Jenniferathome]

My wife said something interesting on our weekend away after a girls night out. She said there is still this little kernel of doubt about me transitioning in the future.

There was nothing about the weekend or anything to drive that thought. She admitted that she knows I claim to be certain, but she has that creeping doubt that at 70 or 80 I will want to transition. I can state with certainty that a transition will never happen. We talk about my cross dressing openly and as often as the topic comes up spontaneously and I have stated to her the "no transition" fact numerous times. So it is interesting that there is still a lingering doubt. Do keep in mind that she doesn't lose sleep over this or anything but it surprised me none-the-less.

So, my advice to all who have a wife/SO who knows, don't assume she is 100% on the non-transition understanding. And continually reassure her that you KNOW you will always be her husband. She may always have lingering doubt but keep up the conversation.

[Sarah Doepner]

It took a while, but I think we are there. She knows I'm happy with my male life now that I have an occasional chance to crossdress. She also understands that if I was to invest that kind of time, money and effort I'd probably be focusing on finishing the yard and redoing the basement first. It's not in the cards for me, but I'll check the next time we talk, just to make sure. We become comfortable at times in our situations and begin making decisions based on assumptions, not conversation. This is a good reminder to keep the lines of communication open, not just on crossdressing, but on just about everything else.

[Jenniferathome]

Sarah, I would have written the exact same thing BEFORE my wife mentioned it. Mind you, it was not a, "I am worried that you will..." kind of conversation just a casual comment. Hence it took me by surprise. All any of us can do is talk openly.

[Beverley Sims]

I can only say constant reassurance is helpful especially when you are presenting as female frequently.
When you look attractive as you do I can see her mind going around all the time.
Maybe you throw some man nerisms in now and then. Whatever they may be.
My wife looked at me a lot when I was younger, although the question has never come up.

[Kathi Lake]

I believe my wife has the same doubts occasionally. Why? No matter how much I reassure her, I think she sees my postings here on how happy I seem to be while in that mode. When she gets that way, I wonder if she forgets how happy I am being her husband. Her man. The father of our kids. It's baffling, but it usually passes.

Kathi

[genevie]

My ex wife would say it's in your subconscious and you just don't realize it yet. That was always hard to argue. And it is, to an observer, a natural extension of wanting to spend more time fem.

[~Joanne~]

My SO knows I do not ever plan on a transition. This is as far as I am going with this and honestly have no desire to go further (other than to go out and about). I enjoy both sides of myself, femme and drab.

[Sally24]

You have to realize that her thought is not unreasonable. Many TS make it to our stage and eventually continue on. I am sure, especially from reading their stories, that they assured their spouces that they were happy where they were. It's just in some cases, they need to transition. I THINK I know that I don't need to continue much further. Would I bet my life on it? I am 95% sure, but that certainly isn't 100%. The future isn't as predictable as we'd like. 10 years ago I couldn't have believed that I would be living part of my life as a woman. The best we can do is communicate how we feel today and keep our SO updated if our situation changes.

[Alison_Mathers]

Jennifer, your advice was the first I read and now are one that I will always follow.

I thought she knew 100%, but now I will remind her that I'm not. On a side/funny note, we were out shopping with the kids this weekend and we dumped them off in the toy department while we looked at clothes. I commented how cute something was and she shot me a "Are you sure you're not gay?". I looked at her and she laughed, "I know, I know we've talked about this already." My reply was "I may play for both teams, but I only swing one way." She almost wet herself laughing.

[Jenniferathome]

You have to realize that her thought is not unreasonable. ...

I agree Sally. No less unreasonable than asking if I was gay when I came out to her. It's funny that I think such a thought is "funny!" I know my brain 100% she trusts my brain 99.999999%. Never assume, is my message


" My reply was "I may play for both teams, but I only swing one way." She almost wet herself laughing.

Camille, I think being able to laugh at our situation is the best thing possible. it is weird and funny and if you can't enjoy the absurdity, you'll never be comfortable.

[I Am Paula]

Remember that the SO, no matter how much he/she reads, discusses, and watches news shows, somehow will always think of SRS as 'something you book for a week friday'. Unfortunately, there are some members here that think that as well.

Back to the OT, when my wife and I were dating we had the talk. Even tho' I started dressing very young, and knew I was a girl at heart, I told my wife (and kidded myself) I was a cross dresser. I told her I wore women's clothing around the house, would not seek HRT or surgery, and would only go out to the gay villiage in Toronto.

16 years later. I present as a woman full time, own virtually no male clothes, I go everywhere en femme (usually with her), am getting a BA, have an appt. with an Endo later this month.

The question is not so much did she know, or suspect...but did I know?

What a long strange trip it's been-Celeste

[suchacutie]

There are a number of ways I remind her that as long as we are together there will be my male self in her life. Our funadamental agreement is "when she wants her man, she gets him, no questions asked."

If for some reason we would not be together, I'm sure every part of life would be revisited. At the moment I can't quite imaginve losing one of my gendered selves as I would prefer to be 50/50 if possible (possibly in two different cities!). So, going 24/7 would be a tremendous shift from my current approach to life.

[Lorileah]

"Never say never and always avoid always" Best you can say is it is not in your plans and you really don't think you ever will.

[Shelly Preston]

I think its difficult to say you will never transition.

A lot will never know themselves if transition is probable.

All you can do as answer as honestly as you can.

[arbon]

Unless there is the chance you may really want to transition someday, then the reassurance is only building a bigger lie that going to hurt a lot worse down the road.





The question is not so much did she know, or suspect...but did I know?



I told my wife before we married I had some crosdsressing and gender issues, but it was behind me and would not affect our marriage, and I assured her with all my heart that I did not want to be a woman ----- partial lie, I was determined to get through life as a male and I believed that I would, I never considered the possibility of transition. But it felt really bad and the truth was that I desperately wished to be a woman, I hated being a man...I did not tell her part.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lorileah is right.

especially if you identify as a middle pather and wonder if you are transsexual...

you don't plan out when the gender dypshoria hits...and when it does, all those promises just make you feel worse and worse..and her worse and worse too...

its a reasonable concern on your wife's part..not saying you should both freak out about it, but your confidence in knowing your future is misplaced

[LSL_Dee]

My wife has just recently encouraged me openly dress and go out, shop, have my hair done, be as much of a woman as I want to be. Even getting a BF if I want. (Yes I am BI)
But she does lament loosing her husband to some degree. She has told me in tha past when we are called "ladies" that she does not like to be looked as a a couple of old lesbians and she misses her pretty husband. So I understands Jennifers wife's concern about loosing her HUSBAND.

Do I like living life as a woman. God yes. Do I think about trasitioning to a full time situation. Yes, somedays more than others and someday I like being male. Do I want to have SRS, NO WAY I do not like doctors that much and do not want to loose iteven if it does not work because of the hormones i take intermitently. Keeping my "manhood" no matter how unfunctional it is is a constant visual reminder to my loving wife that I am still a man, just a very SPECIAL man as she calls me.

[Wildaboutheels]

I think all Humans want to be happy. When we LOVE someone, we also want THEM to be happy. Judging from the look on your face in your avatar... as well as thousands of other pics of others here, is it any wonder that NO SO could ever be 100% certain? ESPECIALLY when so many here chime in over and over on thread after thread about the "journey they are on" and how they basically don't have a clue about where they will be a month or a year down the road?

I can only guess that this "common" train of thought of so many here, is probably the biggest "worry" of most GGs. One that no amount of reassurance can ever fully put the thought out of their minds. Many here DO claim they are a happier or "better" person dressed. All the more reason for GGs to worry IF it's true?

[NicoleScott]

Yes, she knows. In the beginning, the hard part was telling her I crossdress. The rest was easy: what drives me to crossdress, when, how I want to express myself (even in private), what my intentions are, and, of course, the big 2 questions (gay? no, want to be a woman? no). I realize that every couple, every situation is different, but for us, I can't imagine anything that would lead her to question if I wanted to transition than constantly reassuring her that I don't want to.

[PaulaQ]

No one here can predict what they will do in the future with certainty. Lorileah is absolutely right.

You should not make promises that you may not be able to keep.

[ReineD]

My wife said something interesting on our weekend away after a girls night out. She said there is still this little kernel of doubt about me transitioning in the future.

I feel the same way, despite my SO telling me that she is not transsexual and will not transition.

... the trouble is, there are so many people who say this but then change their minds down the road. Also, I have seen her grow in her expression so much since we met, and logic dictates that if there has been a pattern of growth, there might continue to be growth? For example, my SO once said that she didn't understand why crossdressers would want to wear a bathing suit. But several years later she bought a bathing suit with the intention of going swimming at a LGBT friendly place in our neck of the woods. I fully support my SO if she wants to do this, but I directly observed an instance where she did change her mind about the depth of her expression.

Overall though, I don't spend a great deal of time thinking about it and when the thoughts do cross my mind, I tell myself to focus on the here and now and not on what may or may not happen in the future. Besides, I've no idea how I might react should she eventually realize that she is not happy living as a male. I cannot say that I would reject it because I have not been faced with the situation to determine this. But, I do need to be honest and say that the thought does cross my mind occasionally. I need to stress though, that it is only occasionally.

[Marleena]

Never say Never!:)

If it's any consolation to the wives, statistics prove that TS people will always be a small fraction of the transgender population.

[Kate Simmons]

Many women are natural worriers and will always have "lingering doubts" no matter what. That's just who they are.:)

[Sandra]

... the trouble is, there are so many people who say this but then change their minds down the road.



Hmmm don't think change their mind is correct :) Nigella always told me she didn't want hormones or surgery, each time I asked I got the same answer. She progressed bit by bit until the penny dropped, that she was TS, she didn't just change her mind, but even at that point we discussed it.
Like some have said never say never.

[AllieSF]

Lorileah is right.

especially if you identify as a middle pather and wonder if you are transsexual...

you don't plan out when the gender dypshoria hits...and when it does, all those promises just make you feel worse and worse..and her worse and worse too...

its a reasonable concern on your wife's part..not saying you should both freak out about it, but your confidence in knowing your future is misplaced

I believe that just as some TS's knew for certain from an early age that they were females, so do some CD's know that they only like to dress as females. Since I started late in life and have minimal obstacles to do as I please, I have readily embraced my transgendered self. I have also gone beyond what I would consider normal CD behavior in removing temporarily a lot of body hair, plucking eyebrows, wearing clear nail polish all the time and most importantly investing thousands of dollars in electrolysis to permanently remove facial hair. So, since I recognized that I am just growing into my role as a TG I allow that I really do not know where this will take me in the future. Ky feeling is that I am basically where I want to be with maybe a few more things in the future. I have no interest to transition and be a full time woman. However, I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had started this so many years ago when I was much younger with better skin, features, body, etc. That being said, I never dwell on that because history is just that, the past and I cannot change the past.

So, getting back to others here, I believe that some can clearly and correctly state that they are where they are at and will not progress further, and that there are others who really do not know and say the same thing, because they believe that or because they are fooling themselves and others. Things that can cause one to go further when they did not think that they would is a major change in their personal circumstances as it concerns their ability to dress and their need to keep it secret. Suddenly becoming an empty nester with no restrictions to dressing at home, or going out that first time and realizing that it is a great experience that needs to be repeated as often as possible in itself leads the unsuspecting CD into a new and more involved phase of their dressing. Another very important milestone is the act of embracing what one is doing and coming out to others, in this thread a SO. If the SO is tolerating thus giving the CD more opportunities to dress, or is actually accepting, the CD can easily progress much further down that TS road than they ever thought possible. I agree that not everyone will be that way, but many, meaning more than a few and probably less than the majority, probably will.

[LilSissyStevie]

I think my wife is more afraid I'll want to become the next Prince Poppycock than that I'll transition. I'm already half way there. I just need good looks and talent.

[Jenniferathome]

"Never say never and always avoid always" Best you can say is it is not in your plans and you really don't think you ever will.


The question is not so much did she know, or suspect...but did I know?

Along this theme, I am sure some TS can't admit to themselves so they hide behind the label "cross dresser." I can't imagine how anyone could be prepared to deal with being TS. But there are some who also "know" what they are. I will state that I am in the certainty camp. Just like I know I am a male and know I am straight and know I love my wife and kids. Certainty.

[NicoleScott]

As often is the case here (unfortunately), there are many who fail to recognize that we aren't all driven by the same drive to crossdress. There are many of us who identify as men, spend most of our time in male mode, do guy stuff, including being a husband and father, and like it that way. Occasionally, we like to dress up as women, enjoying being femme in a part-time, play-time, dress-up fantasy. But we have no desire to be women.
So to the "never-say-never" folks: "never".

[PaulaQ]

As often is the case here (unfortunately), there are many who fail to recognize that we aren't all driven by the same drive to crossdress.

I understand that all of us are here for different reasons. And I know that many will never have the slightest inclination to transition. However, I always assumed I was merely a fetish dresser - just some panties or stockings. And then suddenly, something changed.

FWIW, I doubt I'd ever transition - I am extremely phobic of surgery and medical procedures. I don't think I could emotionally handle it. My doctors tell me I am a horrible, horrible patient. I am hopeful that I won't feel an overwhelming desire for this at some point in the future, because I'm not sure I would survive the conflicting impulses.

I don't mean to question anyone else, or their resolve - you know your own mind. Just pointing out that I sure thought I did too. YMMV.

[Jenniferathome]

I feel the same way, despite my SO telling me that she is not transsexual and will not transition.

... the trouble is, there are so many people who say this but then change their minds down the road. But, I do need to be honest and say that the thought does cross my mind occasionally. I need to stress though, that it is only occasionally.

And this rally cuts to the heart of the original intention of my post: if you are a cross dresser and out to your spouse and you KNOW you will not transition and you are certain your wife knows it too... better double check. Your wife/spouse may have this same kernel of doubt. you may not be able to eliminate it but know it's there.

[ronny0]

"Never say never and always avoid always" Best you can say is it is not in your plans and you really don't think you ever will.

IMO this says it all, no one can guarantee where we will be in 10, 15, 20 or more years down the road.
If I were to look back to when I was in my youth, I would have given a guarantee that I would never desire to dress up as a woman, yet today I do just that.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I totally understand people dress for all kinds of reasons Nicole...

the OP is a general statement... and generally speaking , whether you like it or not, wives are reasonable to wonder if things will "progress" over time....jennifer is pointing out to the group that for the cd's their wife might be more worried than she says..
and i'm pointing out that "generally speaking" she is not unreasonable to worry....

each personal situation is different

[PaulaQ]

I guess we can talk about who can probably make such a forward looking statement:
- if you only CD infrequently, perhaps only a particular type of garment
- if you are happy with your male form, and just like to explore a feminine side
- your CD is a sexual fetish
- if you don't identify as female
A person who identified with one or several of these statements, especially if they identify as male is, I think quite unlikely to transition.

I've said all those things before, at one time or another, so I guess I'm safe then, right? :-)

[SandraInHose]

I think my wife finally realizes I will always remain a man, but she repeatedly has expressed concern that once the kids move out, that I'm going to be dressed as a woman all the time.

Right now, she'll tolerate me wearing pantyhose (with shorts) around the house when it's just her and I, but she feels that once we're empty-nester's that she'll come home from work every day and fine me dressed to the nines. Although I would LOVE that scenario, I try to assuage her concerns and tell her it won't be like she worries about. At least not as much as she imagines it will be.

[steftoday]

Hmmm. When my wife asked me if I wanted that, I told her I like my bits and wasn't planning on changing them. But I spend more time at home nowadays dressed as a female than I do as a male. I'm always in forms and fully dressed.
She also floored me last week when she asked me something about this "alternate lifestyle". I guess I never really thought about it from that perspective, but apparently she has...

[Rogina B]

I have been asked the question more than once..my answer is "probably not"..

[AmyGaleRT]

I've said that I can certainly imagine the circumstances under which I would transition, but one necessary precondition to it happening would be that someone would have to drop a bridge on my fiancee. In other words, not happening. :)

Besides, I'm reluctant to let go of my male self and that tie to the rest of my life. I do think I'm happiest when I'm allowed to be either male or female, as suits me. Shifting to monogender female would be, in its way, almost as limiting as staying monogender male.

- Amy

[shae]

When I started (at~45yrs), I looked at the options, looked at my (ex-powerlifter) body, said "meh" and thought about the practical aspects - not wanting to mow my lawn in a t-shirt with boobs, distrusting the medical/pharma industry, and not needing to be involved with another special-interest group. Then milady mentioned that if it looks like I'm modifying my body for this, she's gone, and that's not happening. The boyfriend likes us just the way we are, too...

[MissTee]

Good insights, Jennifer. I get the occasional "Are you sure you're not gay" thing. Anymore I simply respond with, "are you sure you're not a Unicorn." Then we laugh and move on.

[Kerigirl2009]

My wife Knows that I want to transition into a complete woman and that is why I am now seperated. I still love my wife and she loves me but as she said she is not attracted to women. I really want to complete my transition someday and know the feeling of actually being a complete person. This is where I am stuck and why my wife cant live with me.
But I have told her everything including the fact that I want my body to match my mind. I think I will dwell on what I dont think I will ever get too, Womanhood. but I can hold my breath

[Jenni Yumiko]

With you being my mentor of sorts, I do tell her regularly, also that I'm not gay. Just a guy in a corset :-)

[susie evans]

this is a very intresting topic i have been married for over 40 plus years and my wife has know since before we got married and i think we are all in a diffrent stage no matter what age i have belonged to several diffrent groups over the years , i have watched several girls transition a few with great success and others that resulted it total disaster even suicide, my wife has been going out with me and some of my friends for the last 25 or so years she too has seen these things happen ,(buy the way we enjoy going to sanfransico a copule of time a year as two girls just to have fun) the bottom line is you never know in the end what can or will happen , enjoy life and it's challenges

just some thoughts susie