Nicole Erin
03-25-2013, 08:27 PM
I guess you were expecting one of my weird jokes. Not today.
Sure, I go to work each day as Erin, have the legal name change and all that stuff that supposedly constitutes (or not) "transition" to whoever's BS standards.
But, what I am actually doing is not "living" anything. I would not call it "living".
OK time for me to bitch about my pathetic life. Here is the deep truth.
First, you notice how I am always preaching about "live as you want" etc... There is a reason for this - At the heart of my confidence and apathy about what people think - there is a sense of hopelessness about things. I don't give a f*** about all that "transition" crap like getting butchered up, it doesn't matter to me. What good would it do to be a "passable" middle aged dried-up woman? The struggles I face have nothing to do with "living" as a woman. It is about life in general.
For almost 40 years now, I took so many things for granted. Big family, people always there, never much of a worry. problems come up, I wouldn't worry about it. When I was a kid, my "song" was "Let the good times roll" cause I had a lot of fun back then. Never thought of the future.
So I go thru life, get married, knew I had a secure home, job, family etc... I was lucky.
Now for today -
I read Joe Weider died. He was basically the Father of the bodybuilding world. WTH? I think I paid that guy's salary when I was a teenager and into weight training. All the Weider products I bought. Kind of hits home. Then tonight, my mom is talking about maybe having to have one of our cats put down. I feel like breaking something. got me thinking of -
So these days, I have been divorced 3 years, don't have any real contact with the step-parents (they don't approve of my transition), big sister is wanting to move to FLA, mom is aging, Teri (the cat) may not be around after this week, ex and my son are 1100 miles away, brother has his life, so yeah, family is shrinking. That and my whole life outlook of "things will take care of themselves" seems to be failing.
Right now I am upset and pissed off. I read these threads about what a "true TS is" or whatever and I always think, "If that is the only f***in thing you have to worry about, you are too lucky."
I never in my life imagined facing 40. I look slightly younger and act way younger. I am reminded of this stage in life when my right knee hurts or I think about shrinking family, lack of a career (I do have a job but not a good one), the fact that i tire out easier and have a general hatred of the human race.
Is this all there is after middle age? Being alone, having regrets, watching people die, people too busy to be around etc? Gyod when I was a kid there was always something fun to look forward to. Holidays, summer vacation, Skating, big sister coming over, family gatherings, presents, friends to hang out with. Nowadays when I drive by the homeless shelter or see that guy who lives under a bridge I drive under daily, I wonder "Is that going to be me by 50?"
Last - I wrote a story recently - it is about a woman (basically me) going back to the 80's to re-live it and the details of things are vivid and imaginative. I tried to follow up with a second story about the woman "today" and am having a hard time creating anything. I think, "Ok, she re-connected with someone she met but now what?" and come up empty handed.
Does middle age REALLY have to suck this bad?
Sure, I go to work each day as Erin, have the legal name change and all that stuff that supposedly constitutes (or not) "transition" to whoever's BS standards.
But, what I am actually doing is not "living" anything. I would not call it "living".
OK time for me to bitch about my pathetic life. Here is the deep truth.
First, you notice how I am always preaching about "live as you want" etc... There is a reason for this - At the heart of my confidence and apathy about what people think - there is a sense of hopelessness about things. I don't give a f*** about all that "transition" crap like getting butchered up, it doesn't matter to me. What good would it do to be a "passable" middle aged dried-up woman? The struggles I face have nothing to do with "living" as a woman. It is about life in general.
For almost 40 years now, I took so many things for granted. Big family, people always there, never much of a worry. problems come up, I wouldn't worry about it. When I was a kid, my "song" was "Let the good times roll" cause I had a lot of fun back then. Never thought of the future.
So I go thru life, get married, knew I had a secure home, job, family etc... I was lucky.
Now for today -
I read Joe Weider died. He was basically the Father of the bodybuilding world. WTH? I think I paid that guy's salary when I was a teenager and into weight training. All the Weider products I bought. Kind of hits home. Then tonight, my mom is talking about maybe having to have one of our cats put down. I feel like breaking something. got me thinking of -
So these days, I have been divorced 3 years, don't have any real contact with the step-parents (they don't approve of my transition), big sister is wanting to move to FLA, mom is aging, Teri (the cat) may not be around after this week, ex and my son are 1100 miles away, brother has his life, so yeah, family is shrinking. That and my whole life outlook of "things will take care of themselves" seems to be failing.
Right now I am upset and pissed off. I read these threads about what a "true TS is" or whatever and I always think, "If that is the only f***in thing you have to worry about, you are too lucky."
I never in my life imagined facing 40. I look slightly younger and act way younger. I am reminded of this stage in life when my right knee hurts or I think about shrinking family, lack of a career (I do have a job but not a good one), the fact that i tire out easier and have a general hatred of the human race.
Is this all there is after middle age? Being alone, having regrets, watching people die, people too busy to be around etc? Gyod when I was a kid there was always something fun to look forward to. Holidays, summer vacation, Skating, big sister coming over, family gatherings, presents, friends to hang out with. Nowadays when I drive by the homeless shelter or see that guy who lives under a bridge I drive under daily, I wonder "Is that going to be me by 50?"
Last - I wrote a story recently - it is about a woman (basically me) going back to the 80's to re-live it and the details of things are vivid and imaginative. I tried to follow up with a second story about the woman "today" and am having a hard time creating anything. I think, "Ok, she re-connected with someone she met but now what?" and come up empty handed.
Does middle age REALLY have to suck this bad?