Transsexualism, an Extreme Aberration

[LeaP]

I was conversing with a friend recently about the sense of bizarreness that accompanies this journey. Not only do we find ourselves up to our necks in the deepest of life and death, mind-bending and life-changing psychological issues and conflicts, we are struggling with a sense of normality that accompanies it. If those two statements appear to conflict, please bear with me.

The crux is this: if I consider transsexualism from the standpoint of the "normal" population and then consider what I am doing, I find myself engaged in something so fringe and foreign that it's almost an out of body experience. Bizarre. Waaaaayyy out there.

Thing is, when I consider trans women as a group, I not only see you as normal, but amazingly normal. You are the most self-aware, centered people I know. Many of you brilliant and interesting besides.

What struck in the conversation I mentioned was that she mentioned seeing ME as as one of YOU! I was surprised by that, because it never occurred to me that someone else really saw me in that way. Or perhaps I didn't believe it, even though one or two of you have told me much the same. But it sunk in this time because it forced me to consider why it is that I feel different from you.

I think it comes from acculturation – thinking of transsexualism as an extreme aberration, and then struggling to associate myself with it in my mind because I feel normal. So somehow even though I feel normal and think you normal, you seem different to me, despite all the commonalities. Now that's bizarre!

Then came the coldest realization of all. When I considered those who were in RLE – especially those who started without FFS – I realized they are exactly like me.

This leads to one of the strangest kinds of experience of all. That of perceiving myself as shifting from state to state. It started with catching glimpses of … someone else. … in the mirror from time to time. It has progressed to feeling like my body is shifting. I can see myself full-time, comfortable – normal. And it will suddenly shift to the sense one has in a dream when caught out in their underwear … then back again. Thing is, it's all self perception. What I am presenting doesn't change at all. They both carry the sense of "I am." Me.

Maybe it's the last bits of self-acceptance, maybe of emergence or becoming. I'm not quite sure. What ever it is, it has a life of its own. I just hope it leads to the sense of normality that I see in you.

[melissaK]

Oh no LeaP I'm not biting.
Normally I will discuss anything, but its not normal when we are discussing "normal."
You are all on your own here . . .
besides I've got laundry to do . . .

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-WW2MpaNOQHY/T4uJU7EoqiI/AAAAAAAAEcM/8mBMrhjognQ/s1600/Normal+Just+A+Cycle+On+A+Washing+Machine.png

[Donna Joanne]

Thanks for sharing that graphic "lissa. It made me smile...and reminded me to get off my lazy bottom and start my laundry too...When it comes to my life...I'm somewhere between the "delicate" and "heavy" setting..but never "normal"....LoL

[Kathryn Martin]

Maybe it's the last bits of self-acceptance, maybe of emergence or becoming. I'm not quite sure. What ever it is, it has a life of its own. I just hope it leads to the sense of normality that I see in you.

This is actually such a delightful post by you. You and I discussed this separately a few weeks ago on a different topic, and here is another permutation, emergence. One of the reasons why transsexualism is an aberration is the inability of any of us to reconcile a sensory perceptions with perceptions of the emotional content of the other if those are not congruent. When they, often subconsciously, grate against the awareness of those that perceive us the inability to reconcile creates rejection. And this awareness even in our own perception evinces or refutes normality.

I remember the day when against all odds I saw me for the first time without this disparity. This happened very early on in my transition and not only after being acutely and constantly aware of this disparity for decades, but also seeing me slide away for decades in my visual self perception. Because these experiences are so stark when it happens it was a momentous occasion for me because it gave me hope. Over the time it took to get from that point to post surgery full focus was on bringing visual and emotional self perception into harmony. And I am there now.

You will remember the recent thread on transitioning. In it I tried to describe the work necessary to bring into harmony the perceptions of others so that visual perception and perception of emotional and spiritual content become harmonious. That is the point where integration is complete.

Observing carefully emergence is not an emergence of content but rather an emergence of harmony. Does that make any sense to you?

[melissaK]

Thanks Kathyrn, you furthered this discussion and avoided any objective standard of "normal."

I do get yours and LeaP's point, but I think I need to reframe it some as "when can I be myself," and "the world gives me matching feedback." At least better matching feedback. Hence it's why I have your (Kathyrn's) quote as part of my signature block. It is that matching feedback I seek.

And last fall when I began to push myself for some further transition, I thought back to the happiest I had ever been with myself in my life. And it was post college living under guise as a long haired hippie. It really made such a difference.

So last fall I quit getting haircuts. I'm damn shaggy, but my hair (such as there is) is over my collar again in the bqack, and at the bottom of my ears on the sides. No its not a good look, but that's a differtent issue.

Here's what's interesting to me. I expected to look in a mirror and begin to see at least sterotypically feminine length hair, and maybe feel a little better about myself; but what I also found is the long hair on my ears and on my shoulders "feels" good. When my head is resting on my hand in a deliberative way, I can absent mindedly twirl hair around my fore finger. It's all tactile feedback from my own body that is very pleasing to me. Silly maybe, but I really missed doing this for the last 30 years.

[LeaP]

Although I used "normal," I wasn't trying to define it. Rather, I was conveying the experience of feeling myself (not normal per se) in two different states ... as well as perceiving those states in positive and negative terms at different times. The shifting of these perceptions is a very odd experience, as it can go back and forth in minutes. Like a dream that feels real, you wake, it lingers, then fades. Except after a short respite, you're right back in the dream. And back again ... Another way to describe it - a perceptual shimmer.

[sweetchick]

Let's say normal is an exchange of acceptance, in colonial times men had wigs and long hair that was styled, powered, and was the normal of the time. Women had a corset to keep their waist at 13" etc. Who sets the normal and why do we buy into the standard. If people would define the normal for themselfs, instead of settling for what they have been told is the normal, then maybe men could wear skirts in public and not be singled out, but just accepted as a clothing choice, you must admit women have bridge that gap with the pants issue in the 60's. So lets throw out the normal and have it what you want it to be and if enough people said Hay this is "normal", maybe the prejustice could start to fade.

[arbon]

You come up with some thoughtful and interesting threads.

Transsexualism, the experience of transitioning, I find perplexing. There are so many shifts, so many changes. Sometimes think about being transsexual and what I have done and am still doing and it seems unbelievable. How did I get here? What happened? Because it is so extreme - it could not be me. I was resolved not to be one of those people.

But there normalcy in my life now, at least to me its become normal. I'm okay with myself, something new that I did not have before. I don't know how my life looks to others looking in at it, but it does not really matter to me anymore because I am just normal old me. No more trying to be someone or something else, no more shame for being what I am.

[LeaP]

Sweetchick, This has nothing to do with clothing whatsoever. Social acceptance, either.

Arbon, it sounds very much like you experience the conceptual part of this. Do you also experience it in a visceral way?



Observing carefully emergence is not an emergence of content but rather an emergence of harmony. Does that make any sense to you?

I had to ponder this a while, Kathryn. I understand what you are saying, but couldn't really decide whether there was content in this or not. In the end, what decides it in favor of harmony is that I still feel like me. Looking back now, I see a progression toward this. There was the first, and startling sense of identity. That was followed by psychological changes, including the experience of feeling myself as I was years ago again. My face started feeling different, something I keep trying to describe and failing. Then the glimpses in my eyes, occasionally my face or my expression. And now this more holistic sensation. I described it as feeling full-body, but that's not exactly right, either. You'll have to forgive the characterization, but it's more psychic.

[stefan37]

When my doctor prescribed hormones for the first time, He said I would start to feel normal in about 3 months. I mentioned this to my therapist and said how would I even know what normal is? He responded that I would know when I experienced it. About 6 months later I did start to feel more normal. I cannot put my finger exactly on it but I felt much better and things started to make more sense. My doctor asked me if I was feeling more normal and I told him I did. Thinking about it I think it is more that I feel right than normal, but feeling right is the new normal. I have been on HRT for about 8 months now and I know that there were things about me that are fading into obscurity. I can only imagine how little of the present me will exist in 2 years.

[Kathryn Martin]

You'll have to forgive the characterization, but it's more psychic.

I know what you speak of, it is the spirituality of self as we experience self on a physical, emotional and intellectual level.

[Kelly DeWinter]

" Transsexualism, an Extreme Aberration " Sorry I don't buy into transexuals, crossdressing or crossdressers being any kind of " Aberration ", In fact after years of reading posts from and by people of the community it's more likely that the life prior to self acceptance is the aberration. Self acceptance has proven time and time again to lead to a healthy happy and productive life.

[LeaP]

Kelly - yup. Please read for intent.

[melissaK]

I am really struggling with this thread, LeaP, and I think other maybe too. But even if it's only me, I think I need more context. Are you in RLE? Are you talking about seeing yourself in a mirror? With the psychic angle it doesn't sound like it, sounds like you are learning to accept yourself - and learning to not care that a TS label is attached to being you?

I fall into the "I have always known I am TS, just don't make me admit it out loud" camp. And thus perhaps my journey of self acceptance, and the nature of my self acceptance, has been too disparite from yours to get what you are talking about.

@ Kelly De, I think I get your comment that the time "prior to self acceptance" is the abberation. Certainly was for me. That lack of self acceptance F***** me up pretty good for a lot of years. (Really, I have whined aplenty about my F**** up past). The longer I am "out" and the longer I get to know myself, the happier I am.

So, back to LeaP, my past has been "me" being an actor. Always being "in character" as a regular guy, terrified someone would see the truth that I was not. It may not seem like much, but I am a heck of a mimic for body language and accents and jargon. (After two days in France my then wife said "Stop it, just stop it. You are not French, lose the accented English. People will expect you to speak French!" Same thing on a trip to west Texas; same thing anywhere I go.) And to speak as just "me" is a big deal.

Here's how this is working now, I do or say something now without self censorship, without caring if it gets me "male gender" approval, without holding the male postural pose, without the parsed macho male vocabulary, and then I await the feedback from people. And for the first time in my life people are liking and disliking me for being ME. I still have to add in the RLE - for which passing is an issue.

But, even though I am discovering more of "me", that "me" has always been there. And that sounds different from what you are describing LeaP.

[Badtranny]

but I am a heck of a mimic for body language and accents and jargon. (After two days in France my then wife said "Stop it, just stop it. You are not French, lose the accented English. People will expect you to speak French!" Same thing on a trip to west Texas; same thing anywhere I go.)

That is SO funny. I'm the same way, I pick up accents and dialects like a chameleon. Nobody believes I was raised in the South until I start talking to a Southerner. I don't even have to try, and my speech patterns fall right into whatever the prevailing usage is. Ghetto kids, rednecks, intellectual hippies, whatever, it only takes a few minutes. My friends have always thought I was a little nutty. Now they're convinced.

[melissaK]

That is SO funny. I'm the same way,. . . My friends have always thought I was a little nutty. Now they're convinced.

Finally a sister mimic!! I feel better I am not alone! Though sometimes it has it's down side, one attorney I worked with a few years back gave swearing lessons to sailors and OMG, it took a real conscious effort to not match him . . .

[Xrys]

here i thought i was the only one who found accents to be contageous. my interest in voice acting dosent help that front either because i will slip into one of my charecters rather quickly, or end up having conversations between them. perhaps i watched too much Robin Willams growing up.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kelly - yup. Please read for intent.

My comment, was an opinion on the Title of the thread, It reads a lot like tabloid journalisim where the article title is inflamitory or titilation to the audiance , then the body of the article paints a different picture then the title. I'm persoanaly not a fan of this type of writing , execpt where it pertains to humor, but thats me. This is just my opinion and not a comentary on the OP or theOP's post.

[LeaP]

I can understand that, Kelly. My intent was irony, however, contrasting the general view of extremism vs what I actually experience.

[josee]

Wow this is silly, I do the same thing. I used to think it was a weakness, like I didn't have my own personality or something. And in actuality the only personality I did have was a made up one purged of any hint of feminism.


That is SO funny. I'm the same way, I pick up accents and dialects like a chameleon. Nobody believes I was raised in the South until I start talking to a Southerner. I don't even have to try, and my speech patterns fall right into whatever the prevailing usage is. Ghetto kids, rednecks, intellectual hippies, whatever, it only takes a few minutes. My friends have always thought I was a little nutty. Now they're convinced.

[KellyJameson]

This was the first time I have experienced a form of writers block on the forum. Always the words flow out but this one has stopped me cold because I know exactly the experience you talk about but find it very difficult to articulate.

I have always felt like an aberration before I was able to name the aberration so the naming made the name "transsexual" instead of me the aberration so I feel more normal now even though I belong to a very non-normal as "unusual" group in that we are a minority but not because we are an aberration of "nature" or "morals"

It comes from being in that place where you think the experience is singular and than discovering others whose experiences resonate with you, who call themselves transsexual and this teaches you about the label as definition that within certain limits define us.

It is a strange process because there is so much change physically and mentally but yet I stay the same and this sameness is actually greater now in that I have become more of what I was before but yet becoming more has had a very strong calming effect on me when I'm alone with myself.

The social thing is still a challenge but that is made up of many reasons .

To physically change is to introduce you to the "inner eye" that has carried an image hidden in a secret compartment in the mind and the changes unlock this compartment spilling its secrets as to what the self has always viewed itself to be.

The deeper I have gone into this the more I have discovered that there was another person I was sharing my skull with and I'm feeling these two people merge as one.

I have always been interested in suppressed memories of trauma and the experience is similar to pulling up these suppressed memories but it was a suppressed identity that created trauma.

This identity was always trying to assert itself in a myriad of ways.

It is strange to live separate from yourself as gender identity and watch as you take the steps to bring identity and your life together.

It is a blending of two minds, the one that always was and the one that tried to exert control over it and also stay separate from it.

You live as if you are split in two but you do not know it until you stop doing it and the less you do it the more you see how you were doing it.

It has elements of the mystical about it and I feel almost as if I'm enlightened contrasted against my previous ignorance of self as this unknown self of identity.

You do not create an identity but discover the one that was already there and you know the experience because it feels comfortable living this identity.

I had many prejudices against all the "T" words for many reasons but it was my ignorance of the power of gender identity that made me suspicious of the legitimacy of the concept of "transsexualism" and by default those who claimed to be "transsexual"

It is strange to find yourself being that which you did not believe was real or possible and when found in others you feared as aberrations.

It is true, we fear or hate in others what we fear or hate in ourselves.