Another take on "How many miss having a SO?"

[My Lady Marsea]

I was reading the responses to the question in like another forum here on site but it was pretty much geared to those who are CD (or MTF CD, so totally many labels??). There was only the basic thought of a GG female accepting a CD and how some CDs have "given up".
I'd like to pose the same question, but here in the TS forum and gear it to the mindset of a pre or post op opinion. If you are "post" or "pre" doing your RLE or just being yourself and presenting female 24/7, I ask " How many miss having a SO?". See, this like opens up another can of worms for some of us, esp those who now truly desire a male in their lives as well as those who are lesbian thinking in their own case. Most women don't want to deal w/the cross dressing aspects (according to the consensus of the others post) so now I submit my personal following observations for a TS/TG:
1) most (GG) females aren't interested in other (GG) females or TS
2) most lesbian (GG) females are interested in other (GG) females and not TS
3) most straight men aren't interested in other men or TS
4) most gay men are interested in other gay men but not TS
5) most TS I haven't figured out yet, other than myself (BTW...I'm at this point and time open to both sexes as I don't care where my long term happiness w/another comes from, but that's like just so totally me and my open attitude)
So if a CD has it bad, they can always go back to being a guy and improving the odds, but most of us in this boat no longer have or really want that option. I know that there is that "rare" exception of a male or female that would actually feel blessed w/ one of us special girls, and although I'm currently lookin' & workin' on it or wutever for myself, wut's your take on obtaining a SO, if that's your inclination for a long term relationship?
As a side thought, I've kinda considered that a post op does have an advantage over a pre op, but if that comes into play it's up to the individual to disclose or not, and then your odds kinda fall. .

[groove67]

I am post op october 2013 is my date and i can not wait. Been on hrt for almost 20 months my body has become totally female except the srs area. My wife left me and that is ok as she wants a man in her life and so do i. Never been with a man as a man well that is not true have danced with men and had much fun and i am still legal a male but do not feel that way. I totally live and dress as a woman 24/7 at work, family and friends . I am very happy for first time in my life and adore men. My hope is that once i have srs that i can find a man whom will accept me for whom i am. If not then i will grow old as a old maid but will never con a man i want to be totally up front of whom and what i am. Im love my life as a woman post op and really excited about becoming complete however doubt that i will feel any more womanly than i already do. I hate it when i hear crossdressers say how sexual they feel when dressed i just feel normal as this is me . I love dressing everyday in fem going to work and being a lady and treated as one. I love doors opened chairs pulledout for me as i am very romatic lady. As marylin i could care less if it is a mans world as lond as i can be a woman in it. Marianne

[kellycan27]

Dating pre- op is a challenge much less having an SO. I did have some friends with benefits and I dated a couple of guys who I think we're probably gay or bi but in denial.. It was ok to be with me because I looked female to them... Or anyone who saw us together. And I dated an exec who wanted to keep me as his dirty little secret.
I did have a b/f for a while but the relationship was toxic for both of us and he was both physically and verbally abusive.
An older and wiser TS warned me against seeking out seeking a relationship while still pre-op. she told me that I would end up with a broken heart or possibly a broken neck LOL
Nobody wanted to take me home to meet the family.

Post-op dating was much easier... Disclosure was dependent on if I thought it might go somewhere... And def before anything got physical.

[groove67]

kelly, you are right there as you have gone through the total change. i am 6 months away wish it was tomorrow, but doctors orders, what a great song. i love your post as i am totally into men and hope after srs i find one who will accept me for whom i am. love marianne

[EnglishRose]

If my spouse and I ever break up, I'll just become a crazy cat lady.

[kellycan27]

kelly, you are right there as you have gone through the total change. i am 6 months away wish it was tomorrow, but doctors orders, what a great song. i love your post as i am totally into men and hope after srs i find one who will accept me for whom i am. love marianne

There's more to my story but its long and complicated. I did meet the guy I eventually married when I was pre-op, but for a couple of years it was touch and go and my being pre was almost a deal breaker. I won't go into the intimate details here in the open forum, but I will say that it was a really really really hard time for us. ( maybe more so for him) this included break ups and dating other people ( post op)

[Rianna Humble]

I am post op october 2013 is my date

Sorry, Marianne, you will not be post-op until then (i.e. after the op).

Getting back to the OP, I cannot say that I miss something I have never had, although as a romantic notion I would definitely like to find that special someone. Lots of my friends tell me she is out there somewhere, but I think they are just being kind. Anyway, as long as I can't have the op, I will not look for that kind of a relationship.

[Aprilrain]

I guess im really lucky, My wife would have stayed with me but I knew she was not a lesbian. I didn't want to do that to her. I found a really nice man who accepts me the way I am and supports my decision to have SRS. If I were not with him there is another TS gal who has recently caught my eye (I'm bi). Oh well I guess you can't have it all ; )

[girlyj]

Nice to have options in your back pocket, April!!:))

[Kathryn Martin]

So if a CD has it bad, they can always go back to being a guy and improving the odds, but most of us in this boat no longer have or really want that option. I know that there is that "rare" exception of a male or female that would actually feel blessed w/ one of us special girls, and although I'm currently lookin' & workin' on it or wutever for myself, wut's your take on obtaining a SO, if that's your inclination for a long term relationship?

I always have trouble with "special girls" and "presenting female".

Once you are whole, there is little that is special. I have never "presented female". Can you tell me what that is?

[DaniG]

There's more to my story but its long and complicated. I did meet the guy I eventually married when I was pre-op, but for a couple of years it was touch and go and my being pre was almost a deal breaker. I won't go into the intimate details here in the open forum, but I will say that it was a really really really hard time for us. ( maybe more so for him) this included break ups and dating other people ( post op)

Congratulations, Kelly. Even though you've been through some tough times, you're still a shining success story to most of us.

May I ask, how long have you been married now?

[kellycan27]

We've been together for about 5 years off and on... Married for 27 months.

[My Lady Marsea]

I always have trouble with "special girls" and "presenting female".

Once you are whole, there is little that is special. I have never "presented female". Can you tell me what that is?

Guess you have like different "troubles" than I. Maybe you're whole (which I have trouble with) and not special in any way or anything but I kinda understand what your meaning is. Would you like the words "perceived as" better? We have so many words in the English language I personally have no trouble applying the word "special" or "presenting" as well as a host of others that are used as adjectives and verbs and most readers get the context of my postings, see above.

[melissaK]

If my spouse and I ever break up, I'll just become a crazy cat lady.

Yea. If my spouse ever leaves I was thinking my fall back will be crazy lady but with the German Shepherd . . .

but right now I'm just MTF, 5/12 out (no really, I figure I'm out when I sleep and I do that 1/3 of the day +/-, and add in an hour in the am getting ready for work and an hour at night getting ready for bed, so . . . ), HRT for years, pre-op (can you really be that without a surgery date? so maybe I'm not pre-op), platonically married (is that a recognized group? can I be that?), and so post op life is all speculation for me . . .

[Kathryn Martin]

Would you like the words "perceived as" better?

Are you post op? What I have trouble with that all the words you use somehow seem to suggest that you are not female, but present as one, or are perceived as one, reality to the contrary.

So let me ask you, are you female? If you are, then would you not be fighting the same fight as any other woman looking for a partner at your or my age?

I am not trying to irritate you but rather trying to put things into a different perspective.

[Michelle.M]

. . . so now I submit my personal following observations for a TS/TG:
1) most (GG) females aren't interested in other (GG) females or TS
2) most lesbian (GG) females are interested in other (GG) females and not TS
3) most straight men aren't interested in other men or TS
4) most gay men are interested in other gay men but not TS
5) most TS I haven't figured out yet, other than myself (BTW...I'm at this point and time open to both sexes as I don't care where my long term happiness w/another comes from, but that's like just so totally me and my open attitude)

Um, okaaayy . . .

I'm never one to challenge another's personal experiences, but if these are your observations perhaps you should get out more.

1) I know plenty of GG who have TS partners, aside from all of those here whose marriages survived transition
2) Many, perhaps, but certainly not most. If so many transwomen identify as transbian then it stands to reason that there must be women in their lives
3) You would be amazed at how many straight men are interested in dating transwomen, and I am excluding tranny chasers. My BF is definitely a straight man and we've been together coming up on a year.
4) Of course! Gay men date other gay men!
5) Figured out what? These observations? While they may be true for you they are hardly universal.

[Patrice_CD]

I guess I'm in the fortunate group as well. My wife and are deeply in love with each other and once I started to live full time 24/7, got over the issues with telling everyone what was going on, our relationship blossomed. She said she never considered herself a lesbian but after giving it a lot of thought she refers to me as her wife and I the same. Sometimes things work out :)

[Katelyn B]

1) most (GG) females aren't interested in other (GG) females or TS


Really!!! I think you need to go to a few pride events, you'd be amazed how many women, trans, fat, thin, butch, fem, or otherwise, are really quite interested in other women



2) most lesbian (GG) females are interested in other (GG) females and not TS


Maybe, but lots aren't. This used to be how I felt, but that perception was based on fear, not experience. Having actually tried dating now, quite successfully, it's really not that hard to find women who want to go for coffee or dinner and explore friendship or more. Additionally, why are you explicitly ruling out dating other tran women who identify as lesbian, bi, or pan? They're just the same as other women, except a little bit more awesome.



3) most straight men aren't interested in other men or TS


Um, by definition as a trans women we aren't men, regardless of what may or may not be "down stairs", so I don't see any relevance to whether a straight man, trans or not, would find a trans woman attractive as a man. Sure, some people are never going to be accepting, but why on earth would you want to associate with them in the first place



4) most gay men are interested in other gay men but not TS


Again, good, I'm not a man, why on earth would you want to be with someone who sees you not as you truly are.




As a side thought, I've kinda considered that a post op does have an advantage over a pre op, but if that comes into play it's up to the individual to disclose or not, and then your odds kinda fall.


Depends if you think your partners genitals are for your benefit or theirs. If the former, then maybe post op trans women have some advantage, but meh boring. The latter seems so much fairer, I'm a lesbian, I like women, but I truly don't care what my partner has between her legs, either way it's hopefully going to get stimulated in someway and make her feel great.

[Michelle.M]

They're just the same as other women, except a little bit more awesome.

OMG, that is priceless! I am SO gonna use that!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

its not that there is anything wrong with any lifestyle
it very hard for transsexual women sometimes to say "hey, i'm not a parttime girl, or i'm not a special girl" without seeming like they are putting people down...

are ts women hungry when they don't eat food?? are cd's cold when its cold out...

its fair to say that many of us forced our life changes onto others, and lost relationships...it went both ways...unless a person is not interested in relationships, then they'll miss having a SO...whats the mystery?

[ReineD]

1) most (GG) females aren't interested in other (GG) females or TS
2) most lesbian (GG) females are interested in other (GG) females and not TS
3) most straight men aren't interested in other men or TS
4) most gay men are interested in other gay men but not TS
5) most TS I haven't figured out yet, other than myself ...

Background: My SO was born in a visibly male body, although s/he is not like most males that I know in terms of how she chooses to live her life, how she sees the world and interacts with it, and how she chooses to present/express herself. Yet, she has no wish to transition so in effect, this places her somewhere in between what most people consider to be binary male or female.

One of the things that my SO told me in the very beginning of our relationship, when I was first learning that there are people whose gender identities do not conform to their visible physical selves (even if they are non-TS outside the gender binary), was exactly the points that you made above.

Yet, judging by the experiences of the people responding to this thread, it seems as if the points above are not true and there are plenty of people who do not fit the five molds that you have described. I agree with this.

Objectively speaking I think that, according to the world that I live in (my immediate and physical surroundings), which is predominately among people who have absolutely no clue that anyone's gender identity does not exactly match their physical bodies, your points above are true. I'm talking about Mr. & Mrs average, or single not yet married or divorced, middle-class, relatively unaware of worlds outside their own, individuals ... the rather large chunk of people in our society who do define people based on what is (or sadly in some cases, was) in between their legs.

But, there are still millions of people who fit outside of these boxes. In the US only, if you consider a population of 337 million with say 3%-5% LGBTQ, this means there are 14 million people (minus the portions of the Ls & Gs who do not understand the Bs, Ts, & Qs) who are potential partners and perhaps also the aware heteros who sit on the fringes. This is a rather large pool of people to choose from. But, you need to move in the right circles. You need to go to the places where people are aware, where people do embrace themselves and others who do not fit in the above 5 molds, if you will meet them in person and improve your chances of finding partners. And you may even improve your chances of meeting even more people if you use the internet, IMO. :)

:2c:

Edit - Just to be clear, this does not apply to post-op stealth women. Then it is up to them as to whether or not they wish to disclose their journeys when they enter into relationships with people who count among the "unawares".

[Jorja]

I have missed my husband every day now for four years. Life does not end because of death. Survivors must go on and get as much out of life as possible.

[Anne Elizabeth]

My wife has said that she would not leave me but has also said she is not a lesbian. Her line of employment is one of which would not accept the transition and she could lose employment living as in a lesbian relationship. With this in knowledge and the fact that I see the hurt in her eyes I know that I would need to end it with her. But the problem I have is I also want someone special in my life to live my life with. I do not want to live the rest of my life alone. Sure I might feel better being myself but with nobody to share my life is transition worth it?