Annoyed, offended, or????

[Stephanie-L]

I came out at work a few weeks ago, and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. I have had no negative comments (that I know of, and my boss denies any), and the most common thing that is said to me is "It will take me a while to get used to calling you Stephanie". This is all great. The issue comes when people tell me "You're so brave". I don't feel very brave, it is just something I have to do, much like having my appendix out if it needs it. From my friends at work, I can handle this, and have even tried to explain it a bit to them. However, I have been getting that kind of comment from folks who I rarely if ever talk to. One guy, who didn't even know who I was previously, sent me a friend request on Facebook, along with his admiration of my courage. I don't want to be anyone's token "Trans" friend, but I also realize that some of these comments are meant sincerely. Has anyone else faced this? I realize that the only way to avoid it would have been to go total stealth and change jobs, very difficult in my line of work, so I am transitioning in place. Any input is appreciated............Stephanie

[DaniG]

Can't give you any of the feedback you requested, but congratulations on going full time!

[emma5410]

I am not on any social media sites so I have not had that experience from strangers, but many people in my family and at work have said the same thing. Even my boss said it to me last week. She has been brilliant ever since I told her last October. She saw first hand how much I struggled with the GD and how difficult the decision to go full time was. She understands that it came from desperation not bravery and yet she still said it.
I did some outwardly 'brave' things. The standing up in two big staff meetings and telling everyone I was going to transition. Coming to work that first day, and the following days, and facing everyone as Emma.
I think that people put themselves in your place but without understanding what it is to be transsexual. A lot of people are terrified of talking in front of large groups of people, let alone doing so and announcing something so intensely personal. That was true of me but it had to be done so I had no choice.
A lot of people, especially men, cannot imagine coming to work as a member of the opposite sex. As one of the directors said when I first told him, "wow, it takes really big balls to do that". Without knowing what GD feels like and how it drives you they can only assume that it is bravery and not, in my case anyway, desperation.

[Badtranny]

Has anyone else faced this?

LOL only ALL of us. ;-)

My field Superintendent told me a few weeks ago after I made a joke about not having any balls, that I had the biggest balls of anyone he ever knew. Coming from him that's a compliment so I just said thanks.

Get used to it lady, the rest of the world thinks it's incredibly brave to be true to yourself, and you know what? Maybe it is. ;-)

[arbon]

I have had a lot of people tell me I am courageous and brave (and even a couple guys have said I have pretty big balls to) to do what I was doing. I used to have a lot of mixed feelings about it. To me what I was doing was an act of desperation. I was saving my life. I don't think people could see that that is what it was, that is why I was doing it. Instead I think they saw it as something I was choosing to do - a little lifestyle change. But what was driving me was so much more.

I did not feel like it was something I deserved to be told I was brave to do.

Sometimes I would also think I must look like a ridiculous idiot to them prancing around town in my skirt or whatever and that's why they are telling me I am brave. I would think they were telling me nicely just how much of a crack pot they thought I was.

These days though I am okay with it, what ever there motivation is for saying it, I think the words are right - it is brave. I have more pride and self esteem now so I can appreciate it a little better - I did it. I faced my family, friends, employer, this community, face my biggest fears doing something I had to do for me and I realize and can appreciate that it did take some guts. I could have blown my head off instead, the easy way out. But I didn't.

[Sally24]

Bravery comes in many forms. I've read many first person accounts of "acts of bravery" in war zones, from all different eras. One thing most of them have in common is the puzzlement that the soldier has with being called brave. Most say they were scared and just did what had to be done. From what I can tell, these coworkers are being honest and supportive. When is that ever a problem?

[Amy A]

Your coworkers are trying their best to be supportive and boost your confidence. This is all very new to them and you are lucky that they are on your side. I think holding them up to various unwritten rules as to what they can and can't say is a little unfair.

I've been told I'm being brave by a couple of different people and I didn't think anything of it at all. I've actually told my friends I'd rather they affectionately poked fun at me for this than clammed up and tried to ignore it.

[Rianna Humble]

When I first started my RLE, I too used to be puzzled by the suggestion that I was brave. Then a friend pointed out to me that bravery can be doing something that needs to be done in spite of perceived dangers or personal misgivings. This is quite similar to what Sally wrote.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i heart it all the time..

in business it can be summed up this way...

"oh TSperson, what you are doing is so courageous, your services are no longer required, but i will help you get a job somewhere, anywhere else, and please don't sue us(we've already hired lawyers to tell us you can't)"

in friendship

"oh TSperson, what you are doing is so courageous, you look, ah , umm, uhh, great, lets together someday........................................... .................................................. .................................................. ................................."

[Jorja]

The facts are, yes, you will have people making mistakes when you return to work. Old habits die hard. Do not expect everyone to make the instant transfer from him to her overnight. There will be some that simply refuse to make the change. You cannot expect everyone to be onboard with your changes. You will find though that the majority of your co-works will have no problem with it and fall into a habit of calling you by your correct name and use the proper pronouns each and every time.

Brave - the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. You are doing all of these. You are a brave person. This does not mean you need to run into a burning building to save strangers. You do not have to charge into battle. Just be yourself and come what may.

[emma5410]

To me being brave is doing something courageous when you have the option not to do it. Someone who leaps from a burning building or a sinking ship is not brave. They are desperate and out of options. That was how transitioning felt to me so I do not think I was brave.

[melissaK]

To me being brave is doing something courageous when you have the option not to do it.

It's all a fine line, subjective argument, about what bravery is or isn't, but I think that hits the nail on the head Emma. People still think it's "optional" for us . . . . And that underlies some of the discrimination Kaitlyn cites to . . . . which bleeds into outright prejudice because we look different.

I think too that while what Steph is doing, remaking her outside body against common social custom and practice, requires conviction and resolve, it is done for an intangible reward of her happiness - and really for no one else's. I think what we consider bravery, risking your life for a stranger, or even a loved one, differs because it's an act that while it also requires conviction and resolve, it is done to accomplish a tangible reward for benefit of others besides the person doing it.

Maybe on some subconscious level others realize we are doing this to save someones life, it just happens to be our own we are saving.

But Steph, sweetie, at least they are recognizing the depth and conviction of your resolve. And that's something. I'd take that gift of something.

[kellycan27]

Well ..... It does take balls to become a girl! :heehee:

[Nigella]

IMHO they are making a statement about the battles you will face. The expression is quite common

[Kaitlyn Michele]

the thing is, for almost every one of them, its just an expression..its empty...it just the only thing they can think to say..."oh you work at the circus catching bullets in your teeth???....that's very courageous of you"

follow through is uncommon... rewarding you for your bravery is uncommon...

knowing what i know about gender dysphoria and people that had it and beat,if i had a company, i would hire an army of transsexuals..

but in the real world, its just not the way it is...

[Stephanie-L]

I guess part of it is, like others have posted, it is just something I have to do. Yes, I guess I have a choice, I could stay miserable for the rest of my life, or I could be happy. The fact that I am out now, could be seen as brave, but it has made my life easier rather than harder. I don't get upset at the folks who are my friends saying I am brave, I try to explain that it is just something I had to do. And as far as the proper name and pronoun, I am not worried about that. Even before I left for my FFS, people were trying, when I get back I hope it is a bit more obvious. I suppose the biggest issue I am facing with this is simply those who were not close to me before trying to become close. As I said, I am sure some of it is sincere, but I do worry about some cases where I might become the token trans person. I know I am different, but I just want to live my life as I was before. I don't want to be a symbol or spokesperson, just Stephanie, a good co-worker and friend.................Stephanie

[golfgurl]

I can understand your annoyance, but you have to at least take pride in the fact that you did have the guts to come out full time. It could take me years before I even come close to building up the courage to tell anyone close to me other than my wife. I commend you for at least being able to accept that this is you.

[Annaliese]

You might look, at the person that want's to be friend's with you on facebook, might be a CD and looking for support. Drop you deference a little and see what happens.

[Jorja]

I don't want to be a symbol or spokesperson, just Stephanie, a good co-worker and friend.................Stephanie

Put on those big girl panties and just go out there and be the best person you can be. Be the best at your job. Treat others as you would want to be treated. People learn about us (transsexuals) by interacting with us and getting to know us.

[KellyJameson]

When you think of how hard people work at being socially accepted by conforming to social norms, transitioning is stepping so far out of conforming to social norms I can see why people on the outside of the experience would see it as brave.

I think most people experience the problem of trying to live genuinely while not being excluded from the community but these difficulties have different levels and different motivations

For some it is about not being excluded from the local country club so they play the game of social norms for the rich and famous.

For others it may be the social norms of their religious affiliation so do not what to do anything that may result in being rejected by those who they share a similar faith with.

Still others it is the right to not fear violence, prejudism or exclusion for being something other than heterosexual

All these roles and rituals are endless but when you transition you are breaking just about every social norm imaginable.

I live near Microsoft and my street is filled with people from India and the wives refer to me as Hijra which is India's third sex.

I could be offended by this but seeing it from their perspective this is what they know.

They are not bothered by me in the least and think I will bring them good luck and the mothers always stop to talk when I'm working outside in the yard or walking in the neighborhood.

There are large populations of Native Americans here who in general do not find the idea of transitioning shocking where I have encounter some lesbians and gays who are clearly put off by the idea.

You just never know how people will react and other than fear of physical violence I just take a wait and see approach.

So much of peoples behavior will be decided by what the culture defines as normal that they grew up in.

To counter peoples fear and ignorance just be the best ambassador you can be, while always protecting your dignity and self respect.

I was born with the name Kelly so I have avoided that headache but there are hundreds of other weird little changes in co-workers behavior that I have been picking up on.

It makes you a little paranoid when you walk into a room and people stop talking.

Being a token trans friend is an interesting thought because that would imply acceptance as doing that which is considered socially progressive similar to having a friend who belongs to a different ethnic group.

At the very least you give others the courage to live honestly even when doing so risks being socially ostracized.

This need to belong is what destroys are individuality and turns us into mindless insects.

[groove67]

Work has been a very positive experience for me. In my deptarment i work with six men and my boss also a man. They have been great as well as many others here at the office. Much better than i thought it would be. The guys in our department just call me the queen and we laugh. However i am called by my fem name marianne and refered to as her, she . Actually i also taken back with the support i have recieved from many women here. So far so good. Marianne