Chardonnay Merlot
04-01-2013, 05:54 PM
My life truly began....on a January night when I was afraid of dying.
An allergy attack. My throat caving in on itself. It was closing. I awoke to not being able to breathe.
I did what i had to do....Stuck an EpiPen in my leg and got to the hospital.
I was in the ER, scared, with my arm burning from the fast-acting corticosteroid.
I was in tears hurting so bad...and being very afraid.
I could hear her in my head..."Owww this hurts....We'll be okay...but this hurts."
As I was hurting, my mind went back to the summer before..
To my dad...and me....To my dad learning my secret, as he held up some articles from Victoria's Secret.
Through tears I was laughing.
Since that time, I've felt that that night was the message. "Life is short. Make it count!"
That same week I started swimming lessons. I started training for a new job...
And I came to a detente with my inner girl I've tried to hide since childhood.
Two months after that night in the ER, I joined a support group....A few weeks ago I celebrated a year in that group.
It came after a period of nearly two months where I had packed the inner girl away. Partially due to work. Partially due to real life stuff, which include moving.
Moving, and while waiting for my new place to be ready. I'm staying with a friend who doesn't know, yet...and With my dresses, tops, heels, pants, etc...everything...in storage.
But that time away was good....for a learned a lot about me...all of me..
I learned that who I am is indivisible. Me in en femme is me, period. My crossdressing is part of what make me who I am.
I've found how much I miss this side of me. How much expressing en femme is a celebration of the person I am.
I also took a look and how far I've come. I look at where I was at the beginning and where I am today, as a total human being and I marvel at it.
The first day I put in my breast forms...and how my face lit up.....and it stayed aglow...even at the office the next day...and the next week...I've probably smiled more in the last year than I had in the last five prior.
That day I went in public in daylight...Gaining the confidence...reigniting the confidence that had been on a wane for quite a while.
The morning I was getting ready for a 10K...and then as a goof...I went to girl mode just because i wondered how I looked...and then went out made up...did the race and put up a personal record! And the afterward treating myself to a victory feast of wine, Godiva chocolate...and hearing my dad say how proud he is of me.
Coming out to some good friends, and finding support. Reaching out, which can be a little hard for me.
The day I moved into my new place, I couldn't unpack that certain wardrobe box fast enough. Once I found it, that is.
The one with the pieces of my wardrobe.. Each special just-so-tight dress. Each heel. Each jacket...
Each piece finding it space in a new closet, co-existing with my boy mode wardrobe.
And even surrounded by endless boxes...I could smile...
At my last support group meeting, I was smiling so much I was nearly in tears...Has it really been a year?
One year since a shy scared person walked into a support group meeting shaking and worried that she didn't do her make up right...and that he hair was behaving, worried about the outfit...and will this people like me, etc..
They embraced me that evening...as I continued to truly embrace myself...something that I will never stop doing. :)
What a difference a year makes :)
An allergy attack. My throat caving in on itself. It was closing. I awoke to not being able to breathe.
I did what i had to do....Stuck an EpiPen in my leg and got to the hospital.
I was in the ER, scared, with my arm burning from the fast-acting corticosteroid.
I was in tears hurting so bad...and being very afraid.
I could hear her in my head..."Owww this hurts....We'll be okay...but this hurts."
As I was hurting, my mind went back to the summer before..
To my dad...and me....To my dad learning my secret, as he held up some articles from Victoria's Secret.
Through tears I was laughing.
Since that time, I've felt that that night was the message. "Life is short. Make it count!"
That same week I started swimming lessons. I started training for a new job...
And I came to a detente with my inner girl I've tried to hide since childhood.
Two months after that night in the ER, I joined a support group....A few weeks ago I celebrated a year in that group.
It came after a period of nearly two months where I had packed the inner girl away. Partially due to work. Partially due to real life stuff, which include moving.
Moving, and while waiting for my new place to be ready. I'm staying with a friend who doesn't know, yet...and With my dresses, tops, heels, pants, etc...everything...in storage.
But that time away was good....for a learned a lot about me...all of me..
I learned that who I am is indivisible. Me in en femme is me, period. My crossdressing is part of what make me who I am.
I've found how much I miss this side of me. How much expressing en femme is a celebration of the person I am.
I also took a look and how far I've come. I look at where I was at the beginning and where I am today, as a total human being and I marvel at it.
The first day I put in my breast forms...and how my face lit up.....and it stayed aglow...even at the office the next day...and the next week...I've probably smiled more in the last year than I had in the last five prior.
That day I went in public in daylight...Gaining the confidence...reigniting the confidence that had been on a wane for quite a while.
The morning I was getting ready for a 10K...and then as a goof...I went to girl mode just because i wondered how I looked...and then went out made up...did the race and put up a personal record! And the afterward treating myself to a victory feast of wine, Godiva chocolate...and hearing my dad say how proud he is of me.
Coming out to some good friends, and finding support. Reaching out, which can be a little hard for me.
The day I moved into my new place, I couldn't unpack that certain wardrobe box fast enough. Once I found it, that is.
The one with the pieces of my wardrobe.. Each special just-so-tight dress. Each heel. Each jacket...
Each piece finding it space in a new closet, co-existing with my boy mode wardrobe.
And even surrounded by endless boxes...I could smile...
At my last support group meeting, I was smiling so much I was nearly in tears...Has it really been a year?
One year since a shy scared person walked into a support group meeting shaking and worried that she didn't do her make up right...and that he hair was behaving, worried about the outfit...and will this people like me, etc..
They embraced me that evening...as I continued to truly embrace myself...something that I will never stop doing. :)
What a difference a year makes :)