Dealing with SO's self esteem

[Jenni Yumiko]

I think we have an issue with her self esteem. From her comments she has made to the way she dresses currently versus pre kid, to the problems she has communicated that she had all her life about weight.

She told me when I revealed myself to her that she wishes she had my body.
She has said that my underwear is too racy.
She said my clothes are too sexy and form fitting.

She dresses pretty frumpy post kid, from thongs and racy underwear to modal briefs and bras.
she wears pj's instead of nighties
She dresses very old person-ish, covering up 90% of her body in loose fitting clothes.
She has gone from an 8 to a 14 since we got married.

She has had problems with fluctuating weight all her life.

I have encouraged her to work out with me, I would even lower my workouts to match what she can do. (Bike maybe 5 miles instead of 20, run 2 miles instead of 10, cut all my cardio down by 1/3)
She says ok, but every time i tell her lets go, there's always an excuse, I'm too tired, my leg hurts etc.

I tell her that I love her for who she is for whatever weight she may be and I find her as sexy now if not more then when we first started dating.

I don't know what to do or say anymore. My two friends who know about the other me and my wife say the same thing, that it's probably down to self esteem as does our therapist.

How can I motivate her? From the obvious health benefits from losing weight, the fact that she wont apply her self esteem issues to our kids, and she may be a little more accepting of my clothing choices, I really need to get her motivated.

[Kate Simmons]

You can only lead a horse to water. They have to take the drink themselves.:)

[JamieTG]

She could also have some depression problems which would account for the lack of energy and motivation. Many times low self esteem can lead to depression because your constantly thinking negatively about yourself. Also people with low self esteem are resentful of and critical of others. Thats why she resents your "in shape" body and criticizes your clothing. You can urge her to get professional help but ultimately its up to her. Good luck!!

[Nonny]

Hiya, here's my perspective as someone who has body issues.

If you are a source of her insecurity then you may make her too defensive to help herself when you suggest she can do a modified work out with you. To help somebody to change you need to be able to talk to them about the problem without those defensive walls shooting up. Perhaps she could do with a friend at the moment to talk to about her weight problems. Or perhaps you could do a non-workout physical activity like walking and just have fun together because it might be really threatening that you're super fit. My parents both lost a lot of weight and gained a lot of confidence when they joined a weight-related group (like weight watchers or something) and when we got a dog who they have to go walk every day :)

It makes me a bit sad that you think it's all about motivating her. Fixing things isn't always that simple. The insecurity comes from inside and though she may legitimately be unhappy with comparisons between herself now and before changing her appearance is not what will fix the insecurity.
It's also worth bearing in mind that it can seem a bit contradictory when someone tells you they love you how you are but also likes the idea of you getting fitter because it just feels like they're lying to you. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't say either thing I'm just warning you to be considerate of how someone with body issues might react to certain triggers.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I agree ninny, and I'm really not versed in this as I have no experience. Walking seems like a good start. I'll try that. I admit I have a low tolerance to low self esteem, I beat it out of myself when I was younger and moved here, I figured that it should be that easy for anyone.
Definately agree with depression, it does seen like she is from her actions. Her regular shrink doesn't seem to be helping with that at all.

[Beverley Sims]

Jenni,
I think you have the right grip on things, all you can do is persevere albeit slowly.
I do not have any suggestions for you at this stage but I will certainly think about it and give you my thoughts.

[LelaK]

Good nutrition is important for preventing overeating and for anxiety, since the brain and nerves need good nutrition. I used to be an overeater myself. I like Dr. Mercola's nutritional and exercise advice. She might enjoy a support group, like Emotions Anonymous or the like to help deal with anxiety etc.

[Gillian Gigs]

Self esteem issues are not something to be taken lightly. We all have things that we struggle with, and sometimes the fear of change is greater than the comfort of staying in the same state. One of the things that my wife said to me about my CDing was that she was afraid that I would be prettier than her. Would I have, it doesn't matter because this was one of her percieved fears, so it was real to her. My lingerie has been "sexier" than hers from the beginning and it took a long time for her to get used to it. My wife has also had weight issues, with its fluctuations also. The real thing that is very sexy to most women is that they are desired. One of the things that you need to do is desire her and let her know that it is her that you are desiring. You want her to work out with you, how about starting out with some walks with you holding her hand while you guys walk!

[Jenniferathome]

Do keep in mind that with age and kids, comes a typically more modest attire. With weight gain will also come a desire to hide it. Tread lightly.

Regarding health and exercise, I am like you. I ride every day. I lift 4 days a week, minimum. My wife hates to sweat. BUT.... you have to sweat to stay healthy and that may be the key to your message. Do it for the kids, so you can enjoy them in the future. Every woman I have ever met hates to work out with men because we do it differently. They tend to want a social experience while working out. SO, how about suggesting a Zumba class or some other woman's group oriented class at your local YMCA or gym? Can you make th suggesting via one of her friends?

[Lynn Marie]

Back when she was a size 8 with racy lingerie she felt sexy and knew that you only had eyes for her. Now she's a size 14 and needs to be your children's mother, she also must compete with that "other woman" in your life, You! She's so far behind now, that there's just no way she can catch up and regain that position of your sexy bride.

It might be time to lay aside your CDing for a time and rebuild your wife and family. Take some of the load of child rearing and housework from off her shoulders. Get dressed up together (you in man mode with a jacket and tie) as a couple and wine and dine her regularly. The ball's really in your court to make her feel good about herself again. If she could have done it herself, she would have. So now she's embarrassed with her body and trying to hide it behind "frumpy" clothes while that "other woman" is looking hotter than ever. She can't win.

[Michelle K]

Its not so much on how you can motivate her its HOW CAN SHE MOTIVATE HERSELF. My wife has low self esteem and sometimes it is not easy to deal with. You have to build up their confidence in themselves slowly. When you add a issue like thier weight into it, it tends to get more complicated and with bieng a CD and possibly looking sexier than her in her minds eye makes it triple hard.

Offering to lower your workouts to workout with her may just feed the self esteem problem. I know it did in my case with my wife.

I can't really give much advice with out telling the whole storie and it would make me feel like I'm thread jacking so all I can say is take it one day at a time.

Look into doing a at home workout program together. INSANITY total body conditioning is what we did and it worked wonders with her weight loss and self esteem.

Michelle K

[MonctonGirl]

His & Her treadmills with a TV & Blue Ray player. Walk until the movie is over. Every day.

[Nicole Erin]

Too many women throw in the towel after getting married.
Beforehand they try to look good cause they know if they are frumpy and overweight that it will be really hard to find a mate.

For getting her motivated - what can you really do? Some people have little to no problems hitting the gym, biking, walking, or whatever. Some people just cannot or will not exercise.

You have already done the ultimate in motivation - offering her a workout partner. They say this is the biggest motivator for many. If she does sometimes go along, just do not "show her up". Like don't go riding way ahead etc. During your times together, yeah just stay at her pace. Might be painstaking but you can push yourself when alone.

If you can keep on her, that is the best you can do. Once people get too overweight other health problems start setting in. Her being a size 14, there is still plenty of hope.

Think also - Good weather MIGHT, MIGHT break thru this year (April 2nd and still cold) and IF it ever does, being out and riding or walking would be great. Start slow of course.

[UNDERDRESSER]

Walking to start is a good idea. Don't make it about looking good, pitch it as a health thing. ( It is! ) EVERYBODY, should try to be active at LEAST 45 minutes a day. Is your local store/coffee shop/bar/manicurist...whatever, a suitable distance?

See if you can find a way of incorporating it into daily life.

[Tracii G]

My BGF is the same way and I have tried to motivate her too no luck yet.
I have gotten her to get more into make up so thats a start I suppose.
She always is down on herself because of her weight and she wants to lose but can't find the motivation.I have tried and will continue to try and help her.
I do get her walking more which is a start.

[DawnD]

[QUOTE=Jennialy;3155809]I think we have an issue with her self esteem. From her comments she has made to the way she dresses currently versus pre kid, to the problems she has communicated that she had all her life about weight.

She told me when I revealed myself to her that she wishes she had my body.
She has said that my underwear is too racy.
She said my clothes are too sexy and form fitting.[\QUOTE]

I can't speak to the weight loss portion of your post, but I can speak to this. I struggled with this for a while with my SO. My husband has always been an athletic person. S/he used to race mountain bikes in the younger years, so s/he's always had a far more athletic build than I. I won't lie, I'm a larger girl and I hate working out. I used to get jealous of how my husband looked in his clothes compared to me. Until I stopped comparing us. I am me and s/he is s/he. I had to come to realize that it's not a competition between the two of us to be the top female.

I look amazing when I want to by the way, and s/he reinforces that all the time. I went through a frumpy phase too. Then I got a job where I had to look good. People started telling me how amazing I looked. Not just to blow smoke, but because I'd been so "au natural" for so long, people had never seen me in makeup. I forgot how much I loved to hear being told I was hot. It made me reevaluate how I presented myself to the world. I still have frumpy days (in sweats and a T today), but I also enjoy makeup and hair again.

My husband has stopped trying to fix me, and just accepted me for who I am, and the way I look. S/he has always loved me just the way I am, but I didn't. I complained about my weight alot. S/he wanted to help me fix what was so obviously bothering me. Now it just doesn't bother me. I learned that I was giving my husband the love and acceptance for who s/he is, but denying myself the same.

[Flent]

It's hard for women and men to work out when they're different fitness levels. Men usually have an easier time of it anyway and lose weight faster. Nobody wants to be all red-faced and sweaty while their partner's cool as a cucumber with that smug "I'm dumbing this down so much for your benefit" look. Maybe you could go on a hike together, or a walk on the beach, or go swimming or horseback riding, or get a hula hoop. Something that doesn't feel like working out.

[kimdl93]

You cannot motivate her, but you can do two things. 1. She thinks about her shortcomings enough...don't add to that. 2. Don't make activity seem like an obligation. She may have entirely different ideas about enjoyable physical activity. Let her find her own outlet.

[Cheryl T]

If you push too hard about the workouts you may achieve the reverse effect of reinforcing her self-image, making her feel she "must" workout to be beautiful. It's up to you to show her that she is beautiful to you and that nothing else matters, not her style, her size or anything.
As for her wishing she had your figure, etc. I went through the same thing with my wife. Finally she realized I'm not trying to compete with her or compensate for her. Women are always competing with other women and you are the competition in her eyes to a certain extent no matter what you say to the contrary.

I took a different approach and directed her towards clothing choices that flattered her figure, made her appear slimmer and more attractive, encouraged her to wear more makeup when I was doing mine. Now she has me doing her eyebrows for her, helping her select wigs (her hair is very fine), shopping for clothes for Her and in general helping her be her best. She does the same for me and we are no longer competing, we are both competing against the other women together.

[SandraInHose]

My wife really doesn't have what I would call self-esteem issues, but she definitely has become icier and downright hateful toward wearing hosiery at all since she learned I had been wearing them all these years. Her weight gain has something to do with it, as she bemoans the 'swish' that nyloned thighs create when walking (personally, I LOVE that sound, but I'm...well, odd). But since she discovered my CDing and it's centered around pantyhose, she has virtually stopped wearing them. Once in a while to church, but she bitches about them and lets me know how much she hates them. This is from a woman who wore them six days a week, even under slacks, when we first married in the mid-80's.

Additionally, my legs are actually nicer than hers since she's gained weight over the past decade. I tell her (sincerely) that I still love her legs, but she always refuses to wear them, claiming that since I wear them, she doesn't need to wear them (for me). And she rarely puts on her lingerie in the bedroom anymore, complaining about things not fitting like they used to.

I have tried to encourage by complimenting her legs, buying nicer hosiery and tights for her, and any other way I can think of to think and feel sexy again. On New Year's Eve, she came to bed with her sexy lingerie on, acted like she enjoyed being dressed like that, and her attitude contributed to one of our best romps in a long time. But every one since then has been like the past few years...almost disheartening because of her lack of 'sexiness'.

[Jenni Yumiko]

Wait, what are you talking about???

[Vickie_CDTV]

The problem is you focusing on her weight (a size 14 is certainly not morbidly obese, and actually about average for a GG today), and not the bigger problem... it is not what your wife is eating, it is what is eating her, know what I mean?

She has a lot of personal issues she has to deal with, and may need a professional if the problems are serious (if she has been abused when she was younger, etc.) Losing weight may be beneficial to her physical health and that is great, but whether she is a size 8 or a size 80 she is still going to hate herself until she addresses what is really bothering her.

(Spoken as someone with an anorexic mother with extremely low self worth, and also spoken as someone who suffers from extremely low self esteem.)