A Thought On Being Remembered When You're Dead

[Persephone]

From time to time some of us, particularly those of us who lead two very active lives, wonder about things like who's name to put on the tombstone and stuff like that.

Morbid, I know, but it does pop up on here from time to time and, let's face it, we're all going to go sometime.

To me it would seem sad if either of me were to be forgotten. Despite my disparaging comments my guyself has led a very active and productive life as a family man and as a successful individual in the game of life.

But my female self has a wide circle of friends and family that may want to remember and respect that part of me.

So what to do. I've always read the threads about such situations on here, but, frankly have never had closure on what to do.

Today a possible thought crossed my mind. It may apply only to my case, but my thought is it could definitely be more universal to many of us.

My current burial plot is far from where I live, in a town I grew up in. Although such things are subject to change, my spouse and I purchased plots there because many of our family and some of the folks we grew up with are buried there. It turns out to mean that my eventual internment will be far from anyone I really currently associate with, but it means that my tombstone is likely to have my male name on it.

But nothing stops anyone from creating a separate memorial, anything from a small plaque on a wall or purchased brick on a walkway, to an entire building, library or museum with any name or information they would like.

So there is nothing that should stop someone from having a memorial in their femme name even if their tombstone has their male one, or vice versa. If you are deep closeted It could even be set up in advance privately and not even family would need to know of its existence.

And nothing stops your family and friends from holding an additional memorial service honoring your other side.

A gloomy thought, I know, but perhaps the suggestion may provide some ideas and comfort to those who concern themselves with such things.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[DonnaT]

Me fem name is just a nom-de-plume adopted when I started writing TG fiction and writing on CD forums.

Thus I've no desire/need to be remembered, at my grave site, by my fem name.

[Lorileah]

I want to be remembered as I am. Those who know me in whatever persona. However, I will be Lori in the future so...:)

A few here on this forum can't wait to forget me :heehee:

[Laura912]

Would it not be wonderful to put here lies (blank) and (blank) and let the world ponder what it really means? A bit of a great cosmic joke...with a grain of truth!

[tiffanynjcd24]

what i would say is that no one would probably would remember me if i died, I feel as they wouldnt get a chance to know alexis

[Danielle Gee]

PERSEPHONE:

This is a very interesting post to me, I've often pondered a way to keep Danielle's memory alive. I truely feel she's a part of me and I feel so bad that I've never shared her with my family. I'm sure I'll come up with some way to address this problem, but I don't know how yet.

I have another issue along the same lines, maybe some of you have an opinion on this. ok,here goes.....Years ago, when I came out to my Wife I promised her that if she died first I'd dispose of all my "girly" stuff immediatly. She didn't want it to be found by our two Daughters whn I died. Well I'm not sure if I can fufill this promise, I could live 10,20 or more years and I'm not sure I could go that long without Danielle.

Anybody reading this have any ideas on what I should do?

Danielle

[PaulaQ]

I'll have to think about this. I want to be buried in the 150 year old cemetery where much of my family is buried. But I can't imagine being accepted there - knowing my family, wonderful and sweet as they were, times were different, and they would not be ready for the likes of me. I think the other (living) folks in the family would feel it was terribly disrespectful.

So if not there - I guess I don't much care what happens to me. It's not like I'll be here to see, anyway. My wife (if she's still here) and my kids can do whatever they feel comfortable with. It's for them, anyway, really.

[sandra-leigh]

If there is a stone for me, the family can put "nee" my male name.

[AmyGaleRT]

My fiancee has spoken to me about what she would do if I were to be run over by a truck or something like that, where she might go, what things she would keep. I did say one thing to her on the subject: "Remember, if I die, Amy dies, too. One of us cannot live without the other. So, remember her as you would me."

- Amy

[Emma Beth]

I had a thought about this the other day.
I thought that one might do something clever with an Epitaph or something that would reference ones Femme side that could be interpreted either way. That way those that are in the know could smile in remembrance of your Femme self and those that are not in the know would be left wondering.
For me personally, the situation is a bit different and I can hammer out the details. I have already arranged for my ashes to be buried in a Federal cemetery due to my Military service.

Hugs,
Jamie

[wilt575]

My answer to this really is simple, I,m out to family and friends and co-workers, some know me by my male name every body knows me by fem name. So my headstone will have two entries one with my male natal birth date for birth and death the day I became fem. Second fem name with the day I came out fem as birth date and date on death certificate as death date. Example John Smith 1-1-1960 - 6-6-1980, Starla Smith 6-6-1980 - x-x-20xx.

[mikiSJ]

Dust to dust. I won't be taking up any space when I die except for the dusting I leave with my ashes.

I only hope to be memory for as long as I can be in the minds of those I touched during my life.

[Loni]

only people who will remember me after i am gone all work for the IRS.
for a good five years (or more) they will still be trying to collect back taxes.

even the state can not get the body as it goes to a place to be cut apart and given to those in need for replacement parts.
so not even a marker for me. but then no brats to not show up anyhow.

sorry if this sounds morbid not meant to be.
just my last chance to stick it to the "man".


Loni

.

[jillleanne]

mine will have both.

[kellycan27]

Once I die they can put me in one of those contractor size plastic trash bags and set me out on the curb for pick up. My father passed a few years back and I don't have to see his marker to remember him. He will always be in my head and heart as are my grand parents and friends who have gone on.

[Julie Gaum]

In a way after reading your posts I guess I'm lucky; you see I've three plots to pick: First is a large and very old family plot in Flushing, N.Y. but I'll leave it for my brother's kids, second is one I picked three years ago to be with the cousin I joined in Florida but now she is in a dementia facility and hardly remembers 80+ years of devotion, and finally is the one I picked out with my late wife overlooking the Pacific with tall mountains behind --- that will be the one where I will land. Though I will have full military honors and a 5-plane missing aircraft fly-bye they will have no clue to my tombstone. You see, along with name and dates will be the title of my last memoirs. Only by reading that would anyone ever know there were two of me lying there. I will smile soon.
Julie

[FelicityMay]

saying that i was a sissy that pretended to be a girl would not be ideal for a tombstone i think.
i would love it to say something along the lines of "did whatever he wanted, and never took crap from anyone!"
I could live with that! err, die with that :)

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Dust to dust. I won't be taking up any space when I die except for the dusting I leave with my ashes.

I only hope to be memory for as long as I can be in the minds of those I touched during my life.

Yes, I second this statement. I'd like to think i might be remembered for all of me and my SO knows that but I left it to her to choose.

Bethany

[Lynn Marie]

My dad died in February. He was 99 years old. All his friends were long gone, we were not close at all, and dementia kept him from remembering anything at all. I had him cremated and his ashes scattered in Santa Monica bay. If I can still be wearing heels in 10 years, I'll be a very happy girl. It matters not a wit to me what my daughter does with my remains. Would be nice to be planted somewhere where I could fertilize the soil like in a farmers field rather than use fossil fuels to turn me to ash. Hope my CD girlfriends party on the anniversary of my passing. Heck, it took me a long time to finally pass!

[Barbara Ella]

I will be cremated, and ashes spread appropriately. If wife wishes to remember Barbara (highly doubtful) she can, but since it is unlikely that anyone of my guy side friends will know, there is no reason to confuse them, and no reason for them to think of Barbara. This does bring up a small sad downside to our life in the closet, and the thing that brings us the most peace is the thing that goes to the grave with us. Just a shame the world cannot know the peacefulness this brings to the soul. They could use some.

Barbara

[NathalieX66]

My dad died in February. He was 99 years old. All his friends were long gone, we were not close at all, and dementia kept him from remembering anything at all. I had him cremated and his ashes scattered in Santa Monica bay. If I can still be wearing heels in 10 years, I'll be a very happy girl. It matters not a wit to me what my daughter does with my remains. Would be nice to be planted somewhere where I could fertilize the soil like in a farmers field rather than use fossil fuels to turn me to ash. Hope my CD girlfriends party on the anniversary of my passing. Heck, it took me a long time to finally pass!

Hi Linda, Your story sounds similar to my familiy's
My grandmother passed away at age 101 last september. We had her cremated, and buried next to my grandfather who was not creamated. Both my parents want to be cremated, and ashes scattered over the sea. I guss that's my job.

I have no problem with being known as a crosdresser or transgender when I die, but I prefer my birth name.

[Allison Chaynes]

I want to be cremated and dumped into the Gulf of Mexico, all Viking funeral like in a wooden boat, but I want the obituary to be the most hilarious thing anyone's ever read.

[Kate Simmons]

The good things you do live on after you my friend. For instance, one of my jobs before I retired was writing SOP's (standard operating procedures) for my company. Even though it's been some 15 years since I've written them, they are still being used and followed to this day and I'm not even dead yet. My point is the positive things we have done live on and on long after we have passed and that in itself is perhaps one of the best tributes I can imagine next to remembrance services.:)

[Leah Lynn]

I'm in the cremation crowd. Hold a Celebration of Life, then scatter the ashes. My orders are to have a keg at the Celebration, and everyone in attendance must tell a story about me. Either me.

Leah

[xcdmargo]

interesting question and discussion.
My wife and I plan on being cremated and at some point having our ashes combined and spread at a couple of places that have met a lot to our family. We have a "What if" book and in it I've asked that I be given a pedicure with bright red polish before I'm cremated. My wife will understand and anyone else will just think I'm crazy which won't come as a surprise.
I do keep all of Margo's things in a Storage Unit which I've fixed up and pay for with a credit card no one knows I have. My thought is that at some point after I die eventually the payments will stop being processed and the storage unit company will just throw everything away. I'm thinking that way my family won't know anything about Margo
My wife is aware of Margo but the rest of my family is not and I prefer it that way.

Isn't amazing what we go through?

margo

[Christinedreamer]

My sister passed away 3 years ago after a short bout with LC. She donated her body to the university of Hawaii for use a s a study cadaver. Afterwards, they cremated her and gave the ashes to her husband to scatter. I am a full organ donor and my advanced directive and will both clearly state that if anything is transplantable, to harvest it/them and them cremate the rest and scatter it. If nothing is viable, then use the body for research at the nearest medical school. Cremate the remains and mix them into the soil someplace.
I have my dad's ashes here now ready to scatter in the mountains above Los Angeles. He never got to visit California until now.