Where do I fit in?

[Anne2345]

Where do I fit in?

Do I fit in here? Do I fit in over there?

Do I fit in anywhere at all?

Or should I just give up, hang my head low, drag myself out of the room, close the door behind me, and banish myself out into the cold, lonely, dark isolation of self-imposed exile?

Sometimes I feel like doing just exactly this. Sometimes that seems like the right thing to do. Sometimes that seems like the only option available. Especially when I allow myself to become overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings of complete, total, and utter aloneness. And these thoughts can be powerful, wicked, self-destructive, intense, and amazingly painful.

So what the hell am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing anything at all?

Why do I even bother?

Should I even care to bother?

I hate feeling alone. I hate feeling isolated. I hate feeling misunderstood, or not understood at all. I hate feeling wrong. I hate feeling different. I hate feeling crazy. I hate feeling despair. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling like I am losing my mind. I hate feeling out of control. I hate feeling trapped. I hate feeling little or no hope. I hate feeling anything at all.

I hate being me.

So where do I fit in?

Do I even need to fit in anywhere?

Why should I even care? Or should I just give up, tune out, accept my miserable, stupid, pathetic existence, put it all on auto-pilot, and just run away as far as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions will allow?

[Lynnmorgan451]

I know exactly how you feel. I deal with these same questions every day of my life and guess what? I haven't a clue as to how to answer any of them. But I'll tell you this....You look beautiful and I bet you feel beautiful at least sometimes. I'm right there with you sister
xoxoxoxoxo

Lynn

[Kaitlyn Michele]

uh oh...
is there something going on Anne??

i wrote words just like yours in a private journal many times

... one of my close confidants after starting HRT was very helpful smoothing out the very rough "downs" in my ups and downs... do have you anybody around you that can talk to you even on the phone...
part of success in our world is to have some really strong supportive friendships...they take time and effort to build, but they can be worth it..even if starting them is outside your comfort zone..(of course transition is about leaving the old comfort zone)..

[Marleena]

Anne I'm afraid to give you any advice or my thoughts anymore. You and I were struggling with this together at one point. I knew HRT was right for me and I stopped fighting this crap. It's obvious you are still in a lot of pain emotionally. This post also reminds me that your GD is severe.

I honestly think only a good therapist can help you with this. I'm not convinced you have the right one.

[kimdl93]

Sounds like the same question every angst filled teenager asks. I would guess that most human beings feel a bit out of place and almost everyone has some characteristic that they think might lead to rejection by "the group" if others knew about it.

If w'e're lucky, we come to realize that we fit in just by being who we are, where we are. That doesn't mean we get an invitation to take open chair table....or an open slot on the team roster. It means being at ease with who we are and rejecting those feelings of self doubt, embarrassment or shame.

Anne, I don't know it might work for you. But, for me, having first a psychologist was a critical first step towards true self acceptance...and learning to "love" rather than "hate" being me. Over time, I came out to my support network gf, family and friends. And being out and feeling their acceptance has reinforced my self acceptance.

I know that you're experiencing this acceptance from others. But it seems you're having a terribly difficult time believing the truth of what they are expressing and still resisting the idea that you can be worthy of your own love and self-acceptance. Life will no longer be miserable, stupid or pathetic if you can finally believe in yourself and your worth as a truly unique and beautiful human being.

[melissaK]

I think I like the OP a lot. It could be a song.
Maybe Ugly Kid Joe's Whitfield Crane could sing it, or maybe LIT's Jay Popov
. . . no wait, they're all guys.
I know it oughta be Giant Drag's Annie Hardy!! http://anniehardy.bandcamp.com/album/waking-up-is-hard-to-do-deluxe-edition

I'd buy a copy. You clearly wrote it about me. Ask my wife - she had to listen to me say most of it to her just this last Wednesday night.

I do have a temporary cure though. Go buy an read "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" by Jenny Lawson.
I'm serious this book is SOOO funny at times you won't read it in public because you'll be crying with a chest heaving to get air!
You see, Jenny is a huge misfit intellectual sensitive to the absurdity of life, . . . just like us.

[stefan37]

Stop hating and start enjoying. this condition sucks, causes us and other tremendous emotional turmoil. It is a extremely long process that does not happen overnight. You need to find a support network and find your own place in this world. you have worth and to think otherwise and give up is not an option. you checking out may seem like an escape, but will only bring more internal anguish and alienate those close to you. You mention your family and wife on board. Use them as a crutch to ease through the tough times. You need to find positive energy in your decisions to move forward. My transition is causing me extreme anguish as my wife of 30+ years and I will be separating at some point. I still have many positive elements that I am hoping eventually will overcome the biggest loss in my life. And the guilt that goes along with wrecking her stability and plans of the future. With great luck that will not happen to you and you will live a long life with your wife. There are many positives to what you are doing. You are finally doing something for yourself and the ability to express your inner soul without fear is a tremendously liberating experience. You have taken the first step and you will continue to make many more along the way. Some will go south, but the majority will be positive. You just wrote how both your sisters accept and support you. That is huge and it is a component many others that transition do not benefit from. Do not underestimate family support.

You are also thinking way to far n advance. Take 1 day at a time and cherish the time you have on this rock. You have undertaken an arduous undertaking that will require tons of self-confidence and resolve. Do not let the obstacles you encounter get you down. Depend on your support network to help navigate around them and move in the right direction so you do not get lost.

[Anne2345]

I know I am doing the right thing. I believe this with all of my heart.

My "previous" life, after all, was a complete sham and an epic failure of self. It was destroying me, and I know I can't go back to the lies, denial, and suppression even if I wanted to (which I don't).

But goddamn it!!! I am soooooo ****ing scared!!!

I do not mean to diminish the support of my family and friends, because without them, I would quite literally lose my mind, but goddamn it!!!

I mean, who takes what is otherwise a perfectly decent life and completely goes out of their way to risk it all and change everything!!

Who does this???

Seriously??!! Who the **** does this???!!

I get that I will have ups and downs. We all do. It goes with the territory.

I also get that I need to take it day by day, step by step, and I try my hardest to do this.

It's just sometimes my best effort isn't enough, and today is just one of those days.

It helps to write it out, though. It helps to read your kind, supportive, understanding, caring, and wise words in response.

Sigh.

I'm tired, afraid, and feeling sorry for myself. But I'll get over it. I promise . . . .

[Angela Campbell]

I feel the same way. I have isolated myself from most of the world because I just don't know what to do anymore. No one really understands. Not even here.

[Jorja]

Well that is an easy one Anne. You fit in between Am and Ao. :)

Relax sister, your doing just fine.

[LeaP]

... should I just give up, tune out, accept my miserable, stupid, pathetic existence, put it all on auto-pilot, and just run away as far as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions will allow?

You tried that once already.

It led you here.

So take any road you like.

It still leads here.

Anne, you need a kick in the pants.

[DaniG]

It helps to write it out, though. It helps to read your kind, supportive, understanding, caring, and wise words in response.

In addition to the suggestions others have had about building your support network and finding a great therapist, you've struck upon another great outlet.

My wife is have a very hard time with me right now. She's trying to be strong, but she just doesn't understand it. She said this morning she's in the WTF stage. I've encouraged her to see a therapist or confide in a friend, but she refuses. She's the strong, silent type, I guess. But one thing she does do is journal. She writes every other day or so about our relationship, my activites, or just life in general. This helps her a great deal she says. Sometimes it's just a bunch of cuss words, but at least it's an outlet.

You might try keeping a journal. In the least it'll help you vocalize and explore your thoughts. Maybe you'll end up providing some of your own needed therapy.

Hugs, Dani

[Lynnmorgan451]

Anne, you're sounding just like my inner monologue....I swear I have these same thoughts running in my head right now.. Who does this?? I can answer that one...WE do. And we do it because we know we are beautiful hiding in the shapeless boring lives of men. I have a good thing going, and I am literally putting it all on the line because I like panties :-/ WTF.......yeah its a little deeper than that, but seriously, I've been arguing with my wife about all this same crap round and round, back and fourth....she took off her wedding rings yesterday. She took off her WEDDING RINGS yesterday :( I dont even know what to do. I am in a lonely place and the only thing I keep thinking is at least I know that I'm not alone in the lonely place..ridiculous...we are all alone together...where in florida do you live? lets go get drunk! xoxo

[KellyJameson]

One way I have survived is by looking around at the world and seeing what others have gone through because it reminds me that it could be worse.

You are healthy and educated, living in a country that affords more protection from the violence and poverty many live with in other countries.

It is a strange experience to have everything but feel like you have nothing and certainly for me this experience has often made me feel that way so I understand the pull toward feeling sorry for yourself.

This is a dangerous pull to give into because it steals your will power and the courage needed to face life.

I think of being transsexual like carrying an energy that is opposite the body I was born with preventing me from living through that body and I understand why people feel they are being harmed by this body.

Before you change, people experience a certain dissonance when they are in your presence because they see one thing but experience another so they start trying to fiqure out the puzzle by labeling you this thing or that thing to resolve their dissonance and feel like their world makes sense again.

Just as we are uncomfortable in our own bodies others experience this discomfort for the same reasons.

There is an unusual incongruence that makes everything we do through the body slightly "off" or sometimes wildly "off"

It is very subtle and nuanced and I had to really study myself to slowly see it.

You realize it early on in childhood and that is why you start trying to force the body to behave like it should but the body is us so we are trying to control our deepest selves in an attempt to be like "others"

This is simply impossible. It will never happen and it cannot happen because it comes out of unaccessible parts of our brains that were shaped before you were born.

What we are is hardwired into us and this part of us "talks through" the body and this language gives you away to others and yourself.

Being transsexual is like trying to speak without an accent to native listeners who will always hear the accent as long as your body does not reflect the reality of your mind.

This is a very lonely experience because it makes connecting with others difficult.

You may not understand them and they certainly do not understand you.

I think being transsexual requires that you are your own best friend. No matter how many people you share your life with it is still a solitary experience that few share in or understand.

My life has been a spiritual journey because of it and in all journeys where you seek truth you must be willing to go it alone.

The only difference with this journey is it is decided for you so you have little to no choice but to walk the path.

It is a strange thing to change the body because you see how this body has caused you grief but at the same time it is you.

There is a strange co-dependancy of being attached to that which has caused you pain and certainly I have been puzzled by the constant question of why the body shape is so important.

We live through our bodies so the body you have will decide how you live and if you live opposed to this there will be pain.

It is a problem between the flesh of the brain and the flesh of the body.

I have since my earliest memories always "felt" this problem but it has taken me many years to articulate it because I could not stand outside myself and "see" the problem.

[Annaliese]

Where do you fit in with the rest of us that are going through the same thing. You are not along at all we are here, I am here, knowing you are here and in the same place as me, I am not along either because I have you and all the rest here.
Know you are love, by all here.
Hugs Anne
Annaliese

[arbon]

I mean, who takes what is otherwise a perfectly decent life and completely goes out of their way to risk it all and change everything!!

Who does this???

Seriously??!! Who the **** does this???!!




ah, your posting on a transsexual forum. Who here doesn't do it? :)

Anyway your life probably was not so perfectly decent or you would not be doing what you are doing. Better things ahead we hope? For me it was important to take it one day at a time, and do a lot of praying! :D

You just have to work your way through it the same way everyone else does.

[Anne2345]

ah, your posting on a transsexual forum. Who here doesn't do it? :)

:rofl:

Ok. You got me there! LOL!!! :)

[Amy A]

Hi Anne,

There's nothing I can say that's going to help much other than I know exactly what you are going through. I feel the same everyday. The only way forward I can see for myself though is to take some control and tackle the problem head on. It's a bit like, 'this is my lot in life, might as well make the best of it'. Some days I feel excited about the future, others I think 'what the hell am I doing?', and pretty much all the time I'm scared. But I know that if I try to bury this, it won't work. Been there, done that!

Best wishes and good luck to you

Rachel :)

[Kathryn Martin]

Dear Anne:

Let me ask you just one question: How much do you need to be authentic? And don't you dare give me pat answer!

Did you even read what you just wrote?


My "previous" life, after all, was a complete sham and an epic failure of self. It was destroying me, and I know I can't go back to the lies, denial, and suppression even if I wanted to (which I don't).


I mean, who takes what is otherwise a perfectly decent life and completely goes out of their way to risk it all and change everything!!

You wrote these two sentences three f*cking sentences apart, love. Have you lost your mind? Do we need to call the hospital.

I mean who would take an perfectly decent epic failure of a life and completely go out of your way to continue to sustain everything.

Sorry, but WTF?

Much Love

Kathryn

[melissaK]

Anne,

So Kathryn's first quote is you judging your life from your point of view, inside looking out as it were.

So Kathryn's second quote is you judging your life from someone else's point of view, outside looking in.

Happiness is a self assessment, inside looking out. Maybe that will help you let go of judging yourself by other's standards. (I might have some experience with this issue, just sayin)

[josee]

Anne, sweetie, I get where you are coming from. We have lived most of our lives feeling like we do not fit in. We tried to live as men, fathers and husbands and occasionally were successful but some times felt like complete failures, frauds we may have wondered what was wrong with us and who the f&*K we really were.

And now we're turning our lives upside down to try to make it right. We feel like most if not all of our relationships are at risk or are already suffering because we are trying to make us right. We lie on beds and pay people good money to run a lazer over our face and poke our faces with needles with electricity flowing through them, we take hormones to turn our bodies into what we feel like on the inside, as much as they can. We dream and plan to go under a surgeons knife to cut away the ravages of testosterone our bodies have suffered. We do all sorts of insane seeming things to try to make it right. And if we keep our eyes on the prize, someday we will get there.
Some day we will get there.
Love,
Jess

[Lucy Lou]

I know exactly what you are talking about.I feel the same quite alot of the time but I still keep wanting to dress. So, if it makes you feel good and you are not hurting anybody, just do it. It is OK.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i remember prior to going full time, sitting on the couch at a friends house... at the time i was basically building up a social life in the trans scene, I had come out at work and was negotiating a leave of absence (which turned out permanent), everybody that mattered knew, it just hit like a freight train...

it was WTF am i doing?? it was very powerful and i felt like throwing up... we were listening to music so i didn't really say anything to anyone...

the thing is that feeling passed... i think it may like what kathryn said..... pragmatically i knew that i had no options if i wanted to feel like a person...

as far as the feeling you have right now, this too shall pass, but then at some point it may hit you again..... i hope you feel better about things soon

[LeaP]

I mean who would take an perfectly decent epic failure of a life and completely go out of your way to continue to sustain everything.


What a great question!

And the answer is - everyone else. ALL of them would prefer to invest in the epic failure. Continue it. Thrive on it. Dine, vacation, procreate, and grow old with it. The source of the conflict is that the only sense of self-worth that many of us DO have comes from attaching ourselves to these, so their potential loss feels like it will undo us. That's true even as we recognize the failure of the effort.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I agree Lea...it was a great way to put it
its a common theme in middle/late age transitioners..

in my experience, the actual moment of transition after a highly invested male life is about our self worth as males being obliterated first...it becomes impossible to survive as a male (or at least it FEELS that way)

there are not many times in life when you trade in the known for the totally unknown... one of them is when "the known" is simply impossible to bear anymore and "WTF am I doing?!?!" becomes just a rhetorical question

[Badtranny]

I know exactly what you are talking about.I feel the same quite alot of the time but I still keep wanting to dress. So, if it makes you feel good and you are not hurting anybody, just do it. It is OK.

LOL, yeah Annie, just go put on a bra or something. What's the big deal? ;-)


You know, I am really thankful that I was able to deal with my 'tortured evolution' rather quickly. I've written about the car wreck that became a catalyst for my transition, but it was really just a wake-up call.

Hello? Misty? This is life calling, and I don't know if you've noticed but you've wasted most of me wishing you were something different than what you are. I'm just calling to let you know that you need to stop F'ing around because the one thing you're going to regret at the end of me, is not sorting this out and giving yourself an honest chance to enjoy what's left of me. Good luck and have a great me.

There was a really emotional year preceding the wake-up call where I experienced the highs of cross-dressing and the lows of being scared, but I knew that couldn't go on forever. My life was changed already and there was no putting the stink back in the bottle. The only question was; what was I gonna do about it. The wake-up call answered the question.

So what's your answer? Transition is a complete tear down and remodel of your life. Most have no interest in that, but some do. What would being a woman give you that being a man has denied you?

[stefan37]

What would being woman give me that being a man has denied me? I would answer I hope inner peace and and the end of this inner dialogue inside my head that has been raging for too many years. I get what Anne is experiencing. Thankfully for me it has not been as severe and when it starts to be a problem I remind myself I am making progress albeit slowly but I am moving forward just the same. I have often thought why am I doing this at this stage in life. Why can't I just deal with it for anther couple years and live out my life with my wife. I mean I have dealt with it for 56 years already. Well the answer for me was confirmed by the positive events I have experienced by making the decision to transition. The changes both mental and physical have had a beneficial effect and has given me a zest for life I really lacked before. The losses I am experiencing are real. It is not some fantasy or dream I can wake up from. The plans we both have made for our future have been shattered and I am not the only one that is suffering from it. I guess for me that is the hardest to deal with. I can handle my own life, but to see the pain my wife is experiencing is excruciating. Our separation will be with me long time as it was I that caused it. We will move forward and make the best of a crappy situation, but on the bright side this is the beginning of the beginning. The start of a new existence that will require all my efforts to grow into the woman I should have been born. It will not be easy, and I expect many detours and pushbacks, but I have the resolve and perseverance I lacked many years to push forward to a successful transition and existence as me. The freedom to express me is extremely liberating and as I experience more I want more and that is what drives me forward. This inner drive to succeed and correct what I was denied from birth.

[Kathryn Martin]

The source of the conflict is that the only sense of self-worth that many of us DO have comes from attaching ourselves to these [dinner, vacation, procreation and growing old] , so their potential loss feels like it will undo us.

This is brilliant! And so we die living a life not worth living or we end it by transitioning or by violence. I asked a friend today: "what is your greatest fear?"


....the actual moment of transition after a highly invested male life is about our self worth as males being obliterated first...

And this highly invested life to achieve self worth because we cannot find it in authenticity. And it reflects it's emptiness back to us until there is nothing left for another step, not even one more......

[melissaK]

And this highly invested life to achieve self worth because we cannot find it in authenticity. And it reflects it's emptiness back to us until there is nothing left for another step, not even one more......

Well, I know this is Anne's thread, but Kathryn, perhaps that explains my whole life. I know a few weeks back Anne posted a thread about how she dove into law school and excelled as a distraction from being herself. The post devastated me, as I realized that was also me 30 years ago. And ultimately that isn't enough to sustain a whole life, not nearly enough.

But as I renovate my entire life (I liked the analogy Misty), I find a few things that I think are "me", that are from the authentic "me", as best as the "me" that was hiding could make them. They are things I would have garnered and done regardless of gender role, and hence they could reflect "me." And they aren't really tangible things at all, they are all relationships.

They are the relationships with the few people who I let my "male" role playing guard down with, the ones who I let see the "me" behind my "mask," the ones who I most acted myself around, even if they may not have understood the difference, I did. It had nothing to do with cross dressing before them, or anything like that, but it had to do with making emotional decisions and having conversations not parsed to carry out the male stereotype role I knowingly mimiced and copied from other men.

The relationships I was genuine in were the ones with my wives, and my kids. And not unsurprisingly, with them the idea of "coming" out was the most risky. They knew more of "me," and if I added in cross dressing and was rejected, then it was rejection of "me." Being able to have them see "me" and love "me" regardless of my presentation is awfully important.

And, to tear down and rebuild me, I had to stop measuring my self worth by assessments of others who judged the false "me" I put forth. And when it came to my relationships, the most valued ones with people I love, I have had to trust that I had been authentic enough with these people, despite all my deceptions, for them to realize I had trusted them with what everyone wants in a loving relationship, to have the other person trust you with their heart. Had I given them enough of "me?" Would they know "me?" So far, they all have.

OK. Is this like the love theme in Avatar? Nyteri sees the one she loves in Jake even in his human form. I guess so. Well movies only succeed when they hit on something fundamental in human nature. And maybe that's why I liked Avatar soooo much. It was about my hopes and dreams. To be loved for "me."

And maybe that's the whole point of our TS journey, to be loved for who we are. And in that regard, when we do the tear down and complete renovation of ourself as Misty mentions, we all feel like Anne's OP. Asking the question of how do I fit in, which could be said differently as "will I be loved?"

[Kathryn Martin]

Asking the question of how do I fit in, which could be said differently as "will I be loved?"

Lissa, you just made me get very emotional. My whole life I hated myself buying love with the coin living an inauthentic life. I am going to quote something from the time I was where you and Anne are. I wrote this in my journal.


The complexity of it all is so vast that it really defies definition. And the moment we create such a defining point for instance by "being typed" male and female for survival purposes, we crash the system or we accept lies to prevent the crash. In that moment the beholder places a mask over the face of reality to make it fit.

In beginning a process of coming out I realized that I didn't use my male presentation to mask anything. I was feminine. The mask was not of my making so much but built from assumptions of those that perceived me. It was a mask that wasn't there. In the act of perceiving me others stereotyped me. They did so despite what they obviously perceived. You know women would say to me: you are not a real man. One of my professional partners once said to me out of thin air that I was "like a woman" and the kindest person he knew, while I was sitting in an italian suit and tie across from him discussing major litigation. My wife told me I was feminine and that is what attracted her to me. It was so bizarre because their experience of me was contrary to what I presented as. Yet apparently the suits, my height, facial hair carried the day every time. When I came out, they would be shocked for about two seconds and then it just dawned....... F*CKING DUH!!!!!!!

I'll stop here

They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom
For trying to change the system from within
I'm coming now, I'm coming to reward them
First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin

I'd really like to live beside you, baby
I love your body and your spirit and your clothes
But you see that line there moving through the station?
I told you, I told you, told you, I was one of those

[Anne2345]

Words and phrases plucked from various responses - our self worth as males being obliterated first; emptiness; complete tear down and remodel; tortured evolution; authentic; it is a problem between the flesh of the brain and the flesh of the body; "WTF am I doing?!?!" becomes just a rhetorical question; and "will I be loved?"

These words and phrases are all powerful, and really struck me, in addition to the responses in general.

As for what I am looking for - I just want a chance to make life work. I do not want to feel like dying is a viable option. I want to feel at peace with myself. I want to feel congruent between body and mind. I want to be me. And I want to be accepted for who I am.

Of course, this is what we all want. I am no different.

This shouldn't be too much to ask for, should it? I mean seriously??!! It can't be. Because if it's not, I have little hope of keeping all together . . . .

[KellyJameson]

"Kathryn Martin... Women would say to me: you are not a real man. One of my professional partners once said to me out of thin air that I was "like a woman" and the kindest person he knew, while I was sitting in an italian suit and tie across from him discussing major litigation. My wife told me I was feminine and that is what attracted her to me. It was so bizarre because their experience of me was contrary to what I presented as. Yet apparently the suits, my height, facial hair carried the day every time."

This is it right here!

This is a constant experience in your life.

People already know you are a woman because they experience you as such and only their eyes deceive them.

On a feeling level people know intuitively and one of the reasons they may have a problem with you until they understand the truth.

This is one of the surreal aspects of it. Everyone "feels" the truth.

[Amanda22]

Anne, I'd love to transition physically, but my wife isn't on board with that. Yeah, it's a disappointment and I feel I'll never fulfill the kind of person I was meant to be. I have a friend who has advanced ALS and it puts things into perspective for me. Life deals some people a bad hand. The TS hand isn't a good hand. I envy Joe and Jane Blow whose emotions/spirits match their physical bodies. But they have problems I don't have. Somehow, and I don't know how, I have learned to laugh at my situation. As for you, I wish I had words that would help. I just don't.