Rationalization of life

[Denise_Lafame]

Been spending a lot of time here reading posts by a lot of people on a lot of life issues related to being trans.

The reading has made me think that I have been rationalizing to myself why I "can't" move on with my life. You see I find that I have this vast array of "can not go further because....." Now I don't know what others do or have done regarding this but I am of the opinion that I for one just am refusing to make a decision.

I've always been this way regarding my personal life. Not in my professional life. Decisions were what I was paid to make, and I was good at it.

Anyway I continue to rationalize my life away and don't get to make the decision. Not getting any younger and the decision just keeps getting harder to make.

I'm driving myself crazy.

Denise

[melissaK]

Sweetie, your backstory isn't well explained in this post, and forgive me for not reading up on your past posts, but you sound troubled enough by gender issues. Do you have a counselor? What are your rationalizations? How long have you held on and fought a transition desire?

As you can tell from the posts in other threads, most of us have been there. You alone can give yourself permission to do anything about making yourself happier.

[Rianna Humble]

Very large numbers of TS members here have spent time rationalising why we could not transition (or as I put it in my own case lying to myself).

However, I have to disagree when you say the decision gets harder to make - personally I found the excuses got harder to find. If you are transsexual, the dysphoria will not go away it will only get worse then one day you will find yourself up against a brick wall with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. At that point you will be faced with two and only two choices:

1 Cash in your chips

2 Transition

I chose the latter because there was more future in remaining alive

[KellyJameson]

I think there is a period for many where they become immobilized by the fear of acting on and the experience of gender dysphoria.

Transitioning is not for the faint of heart and the experience of gender dysphoria can be very confusing and certainly psychologically painful.

You are already in a weakened state and than expected to make the most important decision of your life.

This is one reason so many transition in a state of crisis where they had reached that point where it was literally a life and death choice.

There is a limit to how much you can rationalize gender dysphoria and transitioning because the experience in many ways is inexplicable so it is difficult to see a cause and effect relationship.

If you consider yourself a rational person and want to approach transitioning rationally there would only be one warning I would give and that is if you do not see any evidence in your childhood of gender dysphoria than to hold off until you speak with a therapist.

I think it is important to discover evidence that as a child you "naturally" identified with the female sex.

This is only my opinion but I believe there are two roads that lead to transitioning.

One is when the brain is not changed in uttero from female to male while the body is so you are literally born female brained in a male body which leaves you living opposed to everything and is very traumatic and in this trauma mental illness is created such as dissociation.

If you had a childhood free of being conflicted about being a boy and have lived successfully as a man who now is experiencing gender confusion than this may have been brought on by existential reasons related to aging and death so you are literally running toward the feminine as a sanctuary from the fear of your mortality much how we run to our mothers when frightened.

It is not uncommon when a soldier lies dying on the battle field to call for their mothers because she is the symbol and comfort of safety.

In my opinion you do not want to transition for existential reasons related to the fear of ones mortality so you are using transitioning to address a spiritual problem because you will come out the otherside of transitioning with the same problem.

It is similar to trying to hold onto physical beauty through plastic surgery because the evidence of aging on the face is a reminder that time is running out.

I have noticed a pattern where many late in life have an onset of GD without any problems in childhood and I suspect it is not gender dysphoria but an existential crisis related to aging and death that is the trigger.

I also suspect that is why so many men find comfort in crossdressing that is not related to gender identity dysphoria

They are creating a sexual companion as "wife" and a security companion as "mother" within themselves and attempting to use the power of physical beauty to remove the reminders of their own mortality from their thoughts by immersing themselves into the feminine power of sexual beauty to create an illusion of omnipotence

This is a potent drug that will confuse the mind.

It is a triage of wife, mother and beauty to keep the reality of aging and death from intruding.

You see this occasionally on the forum where illness or other life stressors have triggered what they think is gender dysphoria when there was never any suffering or evidence of it in the past.

In my opinion an identity crisis does not just happen out of the blue but has always been there causing pain and confusion.

There is no shame in fearing the ending of life because life is precious but to live the last years in torment caused by naming a spiritual problem as gender dysphoria would be tragic.

Look inward without flinching to the true source of your motivations because you hold your life in your hands.

It will not resolve anything not related to gender identity but will only add to your pain.

Transitioning is extremely dangerous when done for the wrong reasons.

It must never be done to run away from life but only in an attempt to join it.

[Donna Joanne]

However, I have to disagree when you say the decision gets harder to make - personally I found the excuses got harder to find.

Thanks for these words of wisdom.

[noeleena]

Hi,

This will depend on many factors in your life, you say your good at your work or job, why are you you know what your doing you have set goals or detail to work to. so you do it.

Can that not apply to others parts of your life if not why not , more like to much ...thinking... your stuck so time to move, heres the detail ether you move ahead or you die its that simple you ether grow or...... well you know where thats heading, no life there,

Now i cant tell you to get off your backside can i only you will do that,

lets look at what do you really wont or need to do. sort that out then set a goal like work do a plan you have at work then act on it well you do that at work or you wont be there will you, some times we need to look a little deeper into our selfs & find our self,

I dont care wther your male or female thats not the issue the issue is you wont see where your going till you take charge of your life, do that first, nothing else matters till you do. get your life back then work through as to who ...you... are, then find the real you. then work on that being a male okay no probs being a woman again no probs just it must come from you & you alone, have you searched from your depth's because its there the answer lies .

trust you find your answer.

...noeleena...

[Stephanie-L]

I think we all have had the "Can't transition because......" stage, for longer or shorter periods of time. At some point, either your need to transition will become so powerful it overrides all of that, or you will decide you are not really trans, or you choose the other option, which nobody recommends. The only thing I can say is, get therapy to figure out who you are and what you need (not want, need), ask specific questions here and elsewhere to help you achieve those needs, and move on with your life as quickly as you can. If you are truly trans you will either figure out ways to deal with those issues that are stopping you, or you will ignore them and deal with the consequences, because transitioning is more important..................Stephanie

[Denise_Lafame]

Thanks for all your insightful responses to my rambling post.

First of all, I have had a lot of time with my psychiatric Dr. and my GP. Originally I crashed at work and was diagnosed by my shrink as suffering from acute clinical depression. It wasn't the first time in my life but it was nice to have an actual diagnosis. About 4 months into the intensive therapy, I finally expressed my feelings of GID and indicated that I had been fighting those feelings all my life. My shrink was unruffled by my admission and later told me that he expected me to bring my GID up from early on. He did a bunch of testing and it confirmed what I already knew and he had identified. I was about an 8 on the scale.

I attended a number of sessions with him in a quasi femme mode and he had no problems with it. After 7 months of therapy, I returned to work, however after 4 months it was apparent that the high stress of the position I held just wouldn't work. So at age 50 I took an early retirement and went about trying to start a new life. I continued to see my shrink during the period of time because with the end of my career, my self esteem was really in a bad state.

It was during this time that we further discussed my gender issues and at some point he asked me if I wish to go on HRT therapy. At this time, I was really wanting to get off of the Anti Depressants because of the way they took all the emotions out of my life. Anyway after a lot of thought and time spent talking with my very loving and accepting wife, I said "No thanks" to my later regret.

It was my hope that once I had settled into retirement that the GID would subside but it didn't, of course it got worse. In an unconscious effort to feel better I started to do something that I'd never done in my life. I started to drink and very quickly I turned into a 24/7 drunk. After about 2 1/2 years, with the love of my wife and my own determination, I quit cold, joined AA and am now very close to 9 years clean and sober.

After I'd cleaned up I went back to my shrink and talked to him about starting HRT but at that point in time, he did not consider that to be an option. I've also talked to my GP of 35 years who is well aware of my GID and what he attributes my fall into the bottle; about HRT but he is reluctant to consider it. He did however suggest that I go back to my shrink to discuss the matter fully with him. I should add that my shrink is very well versed in the field of gender and has a number of people as patients who he treats.

And after all this explaining to you folks, I know what the answer is.

Go back to my shrink.....

Thanks

Denise

[DaniG]

It's been a hard road. I hope you're on the right path now, Denise. Good luck! <3